Hellsing isn't a romantic Anime, so naturally, everyone makes as many pairings as they can for it, and ship as best as they can. After listing the pairings I have stumbled across over my many treks through the internet, I have decided to discuss with my friend Dr. Washu, where we broached the subject of shipping, pairings, and what characters would act like in a relationship (or if they were even capable of one), and post our summarized comments about them. Enjoy!
Characters:
Alucard
My Comment: I don't know if it's just me, but Alucard seems to be beyond "petty human emotions and relationships". He mocks people, and he will kill them just because he can. =P He's a vampire, and therefore, likes to drink blood. I don't think he's interested in romance.
Dr's Comment: He seems to put himself past such things as romance; like it's beneath him.
Integral
My Comment: Integral HAS to have SOME emotion, right? She is human, last time I checked. But she puts herself behind a shield, and kicks everyone away. XD I don't think she could get into a relationship. She has an image to uphold, you know.
Dr's Comment: Integral distances herself from most people, almost as if she feels she has to prove she can do things herself. The closest people to her are (fuck the anime) Walter and Alucard (as far as I can tell) and even those are like family. She is definitely lonely and probably does wish she could have a romantic attachment to someone, but she determines that her job and the reputation of Hellsing, that she alone must uphold, comes before her personal feelings and wishes.
Seras
My Comment: Poor Seras is lost and confused. I think she could get into a relationship, but she would probably feel uncomfortable because she's a vampire.
Dr's Comment: Seras is young, naive, and idealistic (to a point). She's the average young woman in her early twenties. Not so much looking for love desperately, but most likely wondering from time to time in what ways will her vampiric state hamper her love life or lack thereof. She looks up to Alucard as a mentor and as a confident, strong reassurance that she isn't completely alone as a vampire.
Walter
My Comment: Walter is Integral's guardian and butler. He has no time for love relationships, dammit. =P
Dr's Comment: Walter is an experienced elder in the Hellsing household and he kind of takes up the role as the butler/advisor to Integral. Walter's love takes on stronger forms that don't tread into the realm of romance. If loving someone means protecting them, Walter loves Alucard, Seras and Integral and the whole of the Hellsing employees. Providing weapons for Seras and Alucard so they may protect themselves, assisting Integral and pulling out the Dental Floss of Death to help when/if the need arises. Walter's a charming character who deserves the title of DA MAN!
Pip
My Comment: Uhm... He has spiffy hair? O_o;
Dr's Comment: I have no comments about Poop- err Pip.
Anderson
My Comment: Okay... I deleted my comments because Doctor nails it down too well. XD She's a REAL Anderson fan, I tell you. =P
Dr's Comment: Insane people's perception is different then everyone else's. Andersong strikes as violently obsessive and fanatical with his religion, basing his existence on his twisted, extremist views of the Roman Catholic doctrine. If a vow of chastity will satisfy it, he will remove any sexual thoughts from his mind and make him never thinks of such things ever (kinda of like a German discipline he imposes on himself).
Maxwell
My Comment: Maxwell is sneaky and likes pissing people (Integral) off. =P How should we know what he thinks? I think he would put his duty beyond all else (Well, except for his safety.) and do what he has to do. And in this case, what he has to do is stay away from relationships. Poor Maxwell. XD
Dr's Comment: Maxwell is hard. He's a catholic priest but he's a hell of a lot saner then Andersong. Which means he's more laid back and doesn't force himself not to think any sexual thoughts at all. Period. He probably understands that sexual thoughts now and then are understandable as long as they don't become an obsession or are acted upon because he is a priest. He obviously doesn't think too much of romance because he had to be found "not wanting" when he first entered the priesthood. The most he has is friendships, such as Father Ronaldo, and the unstable allegiance of Andersong which is cause for wariness. He and Integral throw barbs at each other and, while that could be considered a type of flirting, Maxwell would never admit to anything. Neither would Integral, come to think of it. ^^;;
Heinkel
My Comment: I think Heinkel is emotionally unstable, and would kill all her boyfriends. ^^; Besides, she wears male priest garb. WTF?
Dr's Comment: Heinkel...dunno much about her really. She dislikes herself right? If that's the case, she probably thinks she's not worth someone else' affections and bullies herself to forget such ideas.
Yumiko
My Comment: Yumiko is a nun. =P
Dr's Comment: Yumiko's normal persona became a nun, so she really didn't want physical intimacy or she wanted to be closer to God, take your pick. Either way, she does have a distance from people even though her normal persona could be easily victimized. Her psychotic persona seems to relish in turning people to giblets. No really romantic emotions there but, like I stated before, the insane view things differently. For all we know, Yumiko's psychotic persona gets off on killing.
Krieg
My Comment: Krieg is our lovable little chubby fascist. I think he's either too busy with Millenium or food to worry about anything else.
Dr's Comment: Krieg is a politician in many ways. He leads a group of laughing Nazis, he's charismatic(I'm guessing) and he has high goals set for his little organization. The only thing missing is the intern mistresses. His love is power. That's all he wants (but possibly a tub of popcorn all to himself ranks up there too), all he needs and he'll do anything to get it. If he was to get in a relationship, it would most likely be with someone who shares his views on politics but won't rise higher then him on the importance scale.
Captain
My Comment: Captain seems to keep to himself, and he never says anything, so he would be hard to approach. I would need to know more about Captain, but so far, I wouldn't be able to tell.
Dr's Comment: Captain is really mysterious. He doesn't seem to do anything but Krieg keeps him around at all times so he must be able to do something useful. There isn't enough characterization on him to see what his views on romance are. But he does look like he's pondering things a whole damn lot. Makes ya wonder what he's thinking about? ;p
Doc
My Comment: Doc is an evil freak scientist doctor thing. Evil freak scientist doctor things don't get into romance. They do evil freak scientist doctor things instead, like cackling while thunder and lightning strikes in the background, and making evil freak scientist doctor creations.
Dr's Comment: Doc seems to love excelling in the field of mad science. Making new diabolical things and testing them out! Fun! Even if his experiments piss him off a lot (*COUGH*Schrödinger*COUGH*) that doesn't mean he'll just give up his profession and go on to something else. Maybe he's just one of those guys who is in love with his work. If he were to be in a relationship with a person, they would probably get ignored or experimented on.
Luke
My Comment: Luke is charming (when he's not attempting to kill Alucard like a stupid fucktard =P), but damned arrogant. He could probably get into a relationship, but with someone who wouldn't mind his inflated ego. But hey, if I were that damned sexy, I'd have an inflated ego too! =P
Dr's Comment: Luke is intelligent and level headed when he's no under threat of becoming dog food. Romance doesn't seem to be a big deal to him but he'd probably handle it in a very old fashioned way, i.e. paying for dinner, opening doors, etc. He's more or less a gentleman when he doesn't have an agenda.
Jan
My Comment: Jan belongs with a psychiatrist. Perhaps he's loud and vulgar because he's insecure? His piercings are flashy and loud and repulsive to some. An attention-getter, maybe? Or maybe he's just a stupid fuck. =P Whatever is the reason, he's too unstable for a relationship. His girlfriends (or whores as he would probably call them) would get eaten or shot, probably.
Dr's Comment: Jan is the sadistic, sexual torture type. He enjoys making people suffer, suggesting outrageously obscene things and possibly acting on them later, if given the opportunity. Flirting is out of the question with him, he'd right out start molesting someone and talking dirty to them. Jan is the kind of guy who takes what he wants without asking. Strange enough, it seems like he gets off more on drinking blood and such then actual sex itself(which we've never seen him engage in...for all we know, he could be a severely disturbed and perverted virgin but that's subject to a lot of doubt).
Rip
My Comment: Rip's cool and calm and loves blood. Kind of like Alucard in some ways, I think. Perhaps she is beyond relationships also?
Dr's Comment: Rip seems friendly and laid back for a member of Millenium but she does carry that dark presence around. She'd probably make some guy a good girlfriend, pleasant and smiling with dark undertones beneath it all.
Schrödinger
My Comment: I don't think little boys are interested in dating. They think girls have cooties. ... And they are NOT interested in getting raped and tortured by grown men and tentacles, like some people would like to believe. ><
Dr's Comment: Schrödinger is a smart ass cat boy who enjoys pissing authority figures in Millenium off. If he got romantically involved with someone, they'd have to be somewhat of a partner in crime who would help him agitate people even more.
Incognito
My Comment: Do I even need to comment here? Maybe Incognito has a fetish for DEVIL SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! =P
Dr's Comment: Incognito is a purple guy with a huge, chrome dome bald head and no sexual organs to speak of. Anyone who went out with him would most likely leave him due to:
a) Excessive attention drawn at his appearance
b) absence of sex in the relationship
c) the number of times he's been mistaken as an escapee nudist and carted back to a colony.
Pairings:
Alucard x Integral
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics, Doujinshi, Fanpages.
Description: Mostly hentai fanart, fanfics could either be hentai, or just regular fluff. Doujinshi is almost always hentai. Fanpages vary.
My Comment: Most popular pairing. I see it everywhere! I can see why everyone likes it so much. XD I think it's allright. Everyone knows what my fave is. =P
Dr's Comment: The loyalty Alucard feels for her could be viewed as romantic, but then again, he seems to view her with a certain degree of amusement, like he thinks it's a game to fuck around with her. Integral is the type of woman who won't let herself be ruled by a man or by her emotions.
Alucard x Seras
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics, Doujinshi, Fanpages.
Description: Fanart usually fluff, rarely hentai. Fanfics usually romantic, sometimes hentai. Doujinshi almost always hentai. Fanpages vary.
My Comment: You see doujinshi of this on eBay a lot. XD I think it's cute, but don't really think it could work. Why? I dunno! I see of it more as a teacher/student relationship. ^^;
Dr's Comment: I get the vibe that he gets annoyed with how disturbingly naive she is, but he gets to inflate his ego when she practically worships him when he saves her ass...again.
Alucard x Anderson
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics.
Description: Fanart usually implied, or not very graphic. Fanfics usually hentai.
My Comment: Oh my god. WTF? What is with people? You get two guys who absolutely hate each other's guts, and pair them together. You see this in EVERY ANIME FANDOM! WHY!? WHY!? For the love of god, WHY?
Dr's Comment: ...They'd kill each other first.
Alucard x Walter
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Fanart usually hentai, or with characters depicted as nude.
My Comment: This is young Walter, folks. I don't think I've ever seen an Alucard x Old Walter pairing before. ^^; But I find this pairing disturbing anyway. Can we say child molestation? XD;
Dr's Comment: Dunno...their relationships seems more of platonic respect for each other.
Integral x Maxwell
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Fanart range from kissing to glaring. No hentai.
My Comment: HA! I thought I was insane until I saw other people drew fanart of this pairing. It is WRONG, I KNOW, but it's fun, dammit. =P My favorite pairing! Whoo hoo!
Dr's Comment: I'm a shipper for this...my answer would be biased...but I'll say it anyway: Opposites attract! (Note: That doesn't apply when the opposites are desperate to kill each other)
Integral x Seras
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Fanart usually hentai.
My Comment: Oookay. O_o; Sorry, but hot hentai yuri action just isn't for me. XD I think people liked that manga scene where Integral gives her blood to Seras a little too much.
Dr's Comment: Despite the fact that Integral dresses masculine, she is somewhat asexual and Seras seems to annoy her like she does everyone else.
Integral x Pip
Seen in: Idea on a webpage.
Description: Ideas can't be hentai... can they?
My Comment: I have no idea where this came from. O_o;
Dr's Comment: Come on, she can do better then that!
Integral x Jan
Seen in: Fanart, Doujinshi.
Description: Look, with Jan in it, it has to be hentai.
My Comment: HAHA! HA! HA..... Well, I'm sure Jan will enjoy "raping and fucking her dead body over and over". Or as the dubbed Jan says, "I'll shoot her in the head, and fuck her there!"
Dr's Comment: Remember that comment Dub Jan made about fucking her, shooting her in the head and fucking her there...?
Seras x Pip
Seen in: Fanart, Doujinshi.
Description: Fanart usually cute, rarely hentai. Doujinshi usually gag.
My Comment: How cute... I think they fit really well... I don't know what Pip's gonna do when he gets old and Seras is still a vampire, though. ^^;;; Well, until then, they can hang out and go to MacDooolnald's together! XD
Dr's Comment: Match made in annoying character heaven.
Seras x Anderson
Seen in: Fanfic.
Description: Fanfic was angsty. No hentai.
My Comment: Yes, and I'm sure Seras will equally enjoy being skewered by several hundred blessed knives, courtesy of Anderson. How romantic.
Dr's Comment: Um...he did throw a pie server through her neck the first time they met. Reeeeeally romantic, Alex.
Seras x Luke
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: My god, I'd kill myself if I drew hentai.
My Comment: HA HA HA HA! Whatever sick twisted hag came up with this must burn in hell. ... Well, since I never saw the pairing anywhere else, and I drew something for it, I suppose I must've come up with it. WTF. I was bored.
Dr's Comment: If Luke lived, this could make sense. At least she'd stop clinging to Alucard.
Seras x Jan
Seen in: Fanart, Doujinshi.
Description: Hentai, naturally.
My Comment: Heh heh heh... Well, I can see where this comes from, and it's kinky! Yeah, baby! Okay... I'll stop now. o_O; I dunno. I still think Jan is more interested in killing and maiming and torturing even more than ::GASP:: screwing things! ... Oh, and relationships. =P He's probably more like do and run. XD
Dr's Comment: I'd think this would work if Seras is a masochist.
Seras x Halconnen
Seen in: Fanart, Doujinshi.
Description: Fanart always hentai. Doujinshi always hentai.
My Comment: What the...? I'm not even going to say anything.
Dr's Comment: Weapon sex anyone?
Anderson x Maxwell
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Fanart mostly hentai.
My Comment: ARGHFLGKAOPDFHLGJALDFKSAFD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO.
Dr's Comment: I highly doubt it unless, suddenly, the chastity requirement for priesthood is suddenly waved, the Catholic Church says homosexuality is OK, Andersong becomes sane and they both become gay.
Anderson x Heinkel
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Fanart was not hentai.
My Comment: WTF? Okay...
Dr's Comment: God help us if they had children...
Heinkel x Yumiko
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics.
Description: Both are most always hentai.
My Comment: AHHHHHHHHH... x_X
Dr's Comment: True, the Bible makes no mention of lesbianism but still...they're both nuts. ^^;;
Krieg x Captain
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Some hentai, some just groping and angsty bishounen glomping.
My Comment: For the love of GOD NO!!! ARGH! ::gouges her eyes out:: Anything x Krieg is WRONG.
Dr's Comment: Krieg might mistake Captain's...um...Little Captain as a hotdog. ^^;;
Krieg x Doc
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics.
Description: Fanart mostly hentai, with some girly man-bitch bonding.
My Comment: Yes, that applies to THIS TOO!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Dr's Comment: LAB SEX! ::thinks about it:: Ew....>_<
Krieg x Doc x Captain
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Fortunately: There was only one fanart. Unfortunately: It was very hardcore hentai action. I must go kill myself now.
My Comment: PLEASE KILL ME NOW. WTF!!!
Dr's Comment: This rides along the same lines as The Three Stooges screwing.
Doc x Rip
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics, Fanpages.
Description: My god. Doc and Rip being depicted as flowery bishounen/bishoujo glomping while starry eyed, really, really disturbs me. Hey, at least it wasn't hentai.
My Comment: WTF?? Where'd this come from?
Dr's Comment: Rip's got better taste than that!
Doc x Schrödinger
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics.
Description: Hentai bondage. These people are Satan and are going to take over the world and destroy it with this. My god.
My Comment: WTFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr's Comment: Schrödinger would be too busy smart mouthing Doc and Doc would be too busy bitching at him.
Captain x Doc x Schrödinger
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Hentai. What else could it be? Save me now.
My Comment: ................................................WT- YOU GET THE PICTURE!!!
Dr's Comment: Can sex with Schrödinger be considered bestiality?
Captain x Rip
Seen in: Idea.
Description: As I said, ideas can't be very hentai or disturbing. Ha!
My Comment: OMG, a straight pairing! Hmm... Well, I think they'd look cute together, but that's about it. ;p
Dr's Comment: I'm all for this...maybe she'll be the Good Samaritan that will pull the Halconnen out of his ass. Why else would he be so stiff (NOT LIKE THAT!) and quiet.
Luke x Jan
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics, Doujinshi.
Description: Jan = Hentai. Incest = Trauma for me.
My Comment: This, my friends, is the WORST pairing I have seen. My GOD!!!!! Does INCEST mean ANYTHING to people!?!?!?!? ::cries::
Dr's Comment: If this was actually a possibility, they'd be too busy fighting over who would be the top. ^^;;
Schrödinger x Seras
Seen in: Fanart, Doujinshi.
Description: Fanart usually depicts them as nude smiling things. o_O; WTF.
My Comment: Okay... This pairing is freaky. x_X
Dr's Comment: Sex with your make mirror image....does that sound a wee bit creepy or is it just me?
Alucard x Walter(old)
Seen in: Fanfic.
Description: Fanfic describes Alucard screwing Walter. No thank you.
My Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr's Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!! MY EYES!!!
Integral x Walter(old)
Seen in: Fanart.
Description: Thank god they're only shown as hugging. I don't think I could take hentai.
My Comment: WTF? And how much of an age difference is there? I suppose, theoretically, it could work, considering Walter seems to be the closest person alive to Integral, but.... still. My god, he practically raised her for crying out loud!
Dr's Comment: Um.....how about no?
Andersong x Yumiko
Seen in: Idea.
Description: It was a hentai idea. WTF. I didn't think ideas could be hentai. T_T
My Comment: How about no?
Dr's Comment: Two different women for the price of one.
Krieg x Jan
Seen in: Fanfic.
Description: Aren't my eyes glad that fanfic wasn't made into fanart... Hentai, of course. ::cries::
My Comment: ... There's a pairing for everyone, isn't there?
Dr's Comment: Even Jan's not that stupid...
Krieg x Big Sweaty General Nazi Guy
Seen in: Idea.
Description: This idea wasn't hentai, thank god.
My Comment: WTF. Well, if Krieg was a masochist, it would work.
Dr's Comment: Doubtful unless Krieg is into pain and ugly guys with high blood pressure.
Captain x Schrödinger
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics.
Description: Fanart range from bizarre to blinding.
My Comment: Schrödinger goes around, doesn't he? ::SCREAMS and DIES::
Dr's Comment: With how quiet and rarely moving Ruben is, I'm beginning to think he's a trance epileptic. I don't think Ruben's really into cats in little boy shorts.
Alucard x Luke
Seen in: Doujinshi.
Description: Hentai doujinshi.
My Comment: Uh-huh. Here's another example of "OMFG LET'S PAIR UP PEOPLE WHO HATE EACH OTHER AND WANT EACH OTHER TO DIE!!!1111111111111".
Dr's Comment: They'd probably shoot each other in the head, lay around for a few seconds smiling like idiots, get up and do it again.
Integral(young) x Bentwood
Seen in: Fanart, Doujinshi.
Description: Mostly hentai.
My Comment: Why are people in Hellsing turning into pedophiles? XP
Dr's Comment: Like pairing a sumo wrestler with Kate Moss (little, anorexic supermodel)...somebody's getting squished. ^^;;;
Alucard x Incognito
Seen in: Fanart, Fanfics.
Description: WTF?? I'm confused.
My Comment: Okay... Last time I checked, Incognito lacks the proper "defiling equipment", no matter how much he scream about defiling people. My god!
Dr's Comment: Incognito would drape himself on top of a fully clothed Alucard and claim he was defiling him, despite the fact that he (Incognito) has no sexual organs...Alucard would consider the possibility that Incognito is brutally retarded.
Well... That's it for this section. Damn, doesn't Dr Washu analyze things well?? Hope you enjoyed it! If anybody has seen any pairings that aren't on this page, please e-mail me!