Nazgûl Protest Animal Cruelty October 22, 3018
Bill the Pony

Yestereve, the Nazgûl crossed the Ford of Bruinen – or attempted to – in a controversial pursuit after a hobbit of the Shire, Frodo, who allegedly has on his person a certain item of jewelry that is highly sought after and sold out in Bree-marts all over Middle-earth and equally unavailable on Gbay (founded recently by Cirdan, the shipwright). Although, after speaking with the Lord of the Nazgûl, they claim that their straightforward thieving was hampered by foul play on the part of Elrond Peredhil, a well known and respected elven individual.

“Animal cruelty. Killed our black steeds!” exclaimed Khamûl, a high ranking member of the fraternity based in Minas Morgul and Dol Guldur. “Smelly Elf cheated, called waters upon us.” He went on to relate, though with some difficulty due to his slightly formless shape as it were that he has yet to find a suitable Inky Black Ringwraith™ cloak.

Investigating this matter further, it was discovered that the Peredhil had in fact called down a flood upon them. His response to the allegation of animal cruelty was, “Those horses were not as those free or bridled, but born and bred to the service of the Dark Lord in Mordor.”

The Nine refused this “excuse” and went on to claim that they would “tell on him”. Elrond’s rebuttal was a concise snort after which he walked out of the room. Later in his office, he recounted that he was not the one that “drove iron spikes into the hooves of his horses” or “refused to accept his Yuletide gift of Noble Steed Hoof Sheen™” which guarantees a healthy luster.” The Nazgûls’ response was unable to be printed due to translation difficulties and the potential age range of readers.

Coverage of this unconcluded debate will continue despite potentially unhealthy conditions for reporters.