written long before "Fury"

~*~

I always knew there was magic in the universe, but I never imagined the extent of the beauty. Is beauty magic? Tuvok would tell me that beauty is merely a random convergence of molecular particles assembled in an aesthetically pleasing form, but I'm sure there is more than that. Even after all this time, there is still so much that I don't understand.

I remain close to Voyager, for short periods of time, at least. It has become like a shelter, but I can't bring myself to return to corporeal form on board. Sometimes I take on a different personae, and sell flowers to Tom Paris, or trade with the captain, but I know that if I join them again, I won't be able to bring myself to leave. And there is so much that I want to see.

I visit my homeworld sometimes, too. With joy I've been able to watch my people reclaim their heritage and walk under the sun; only a few now, but I sense the desire for knowledge growing among the Ocampa again. I wonder sometimes whether any others will join me, or was my transformation simply a side effect of contact with Species 8472. But in a way it doesn't matter, because I have the universe, and it seems silly to have the whole universe and experience only one part of it.

I did materialise within the Federation. I wanted to see the world which my crewmates had loved enough to risk everything to rejoin. I was disappointed, in a way; I had expected the citizens of the Federation to be like Captain Janeway, and some were. But others were petty and ignorant. But the worlds ... what immense beauty: the oceans of Earth (imagine -- a world where water covers almost all the planet, and yet the people choose to leave!) or the wild, tawny colours of Vulcan. Yellows and golds, like Neelix. I wonder whether that ever occurred to Tuvok? Perhaps not, but one day I will visit Voyager and tell them. And the languages, and the foods, the art and the music.

There was a whole universe, and it was all different.

I remembered the Q Continuum, the apathy which millennia of near-immortality had encouraged. But I am not a Q, and even after I have seen everything, there will still be something new. Like the Vulcan philosophy, infinite diversity, infinite combinations.

I've almost mastered time travel, now. Small jumps at first, but yesterday I assisted with Chakotay's birth, introducing myself as a visiting nurse. My telepathic skills have grown, too, no one questioned my claim. And so I was the first person Chakotay ever saw.

It is not all beautiful.

I'd known even on Ocampa that people had great capacity for cruelty, but some of the things I saw ... I've seen the Trabe slave camps, where the Kazon were penned up like animals. Cardassian death camps, human concentration camps ... the names are different, but the purpose is always the same.

But I can't change it.

The first decision I made after my change was that I would not interfere. It had seemed like an easy, moral choice to make, but I never imagined how hard it was to maintain my distance. Sometimes I can change things ... but carefully. And so I have to stand by and watch while people slaughter each other.

It hurts so much sometimes...

But I have the entire universe. And I cannot confine myself to one small portion.

~*~

END

(If you're wondering where I got the title from, it was a toast made by Kes and Neelix when they first came on board Voyager, and repeated in "The Gift".)

Question, comments, praise, snide remarks, money, adoring worship and chocolate can be sent to: elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au

Copyright © 1999 Elizabeth Barr

Star Trek ® is a registered trademark of Paramount Pictures registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office. Star Trek: Voyager is a trademark of Paramount Pictures.