Lately I've encountered what seems like a disturbing number of fanfics which involve Janeway bonding with a bottle of scotch, whiskey or Saurian brandy.  Sometimes all three at once.  I have three theories: either Janeway has finally lost the last of her credibility with fandom, or everyone's getting ready for the upcoming holiday season, or it's just coincidence.  Either way, I felt that this was warranted.

WARNING: remarkably few of these ideas actually originated in my own grey matter.  Given that the three or four similar 'quizzes' I've read are all from different fandoms, I'm fairly sure that no one really cares.  But email me if you think I've trodden on your copyright.  Please keep your tongue in your cheek at all times.

The problem of alcoholism among starship captains has been of serious concern for many years, and Starfleet has put a great deal of resources into combatting it.  If you, or anyone you know, has a commanding officer battling this problem, please, don't hesitate to give them this survey.

Simply apply a 'yes' answer to every statement below that you agree or identify with, and a 'no'
for those you do not. Tally up your points at the end of the questionnaire; with two points for every 'yes', and one for every 'no'.

Are YOU an alcoholic starship captain?  Do you:

1.  …Keep losing arguments with inanimate objects and/or Chakotay?

2.  …Often have to hang onto the nearest bulkhead/chair/Borg drone to keep from falling off the deck?

3.  …When donating blood, find that the Doctor has trouble finding enough blood in your alcohol system to make it worthwhile?

4.  ...keep getting hit in the back of your head by the toilet seat?

5.  ...ever get taunted mercilessly by Kes—but cannot retaliate, because you know in your heart that if you release your grip on the aforementioned bulkhead/chair/Borg drone to go eviscerate the wench, Tom will steal your scotch?

6.  ...focus better with one eye closed?

7.  ...ever muse that your quarters seem to have moved while you were inside 'Sandrine's'?

8.  ...often crawl into bed in a drunken stupor, and dream of those delicious little marshmallows... then wake up to discover your pillows have vanished?

9.  ...now give your crewmen easily remembered names... such as 'Barley', 'Hops', 'Jim', 'Jack', 'Fosters' and 'XXXX' (Harry drew the short straw)?

10.  ...ever think that, hey, a bottle of Tequila has just as many calories as coffee—screw dinner!?

11.  …find that bloodsucking alien mosquitoes seem rather tipsy after attacking you?

12.  ...admit that your idea of 'cutting back' is with a machete?

13.  ...ever wake up in the bedroom, then discover your underwear is in the bathroom... but you don't wear underwear?

14. ...worry about the fact that there are three B'Elannas, all working in perfect sync?

15.  ...sincerely believe the four basic food groups are caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, and Chakotay?

16.  ...find yourself noticing that every night you're beginning to find your Talaxian chef more and more attractive?

17.  ...catch yourself wondering what the Doctor would look like naked?

18.  ...no longer recognize Seven unless she's seen through the bottom of a glass?

19.  ...get annoyed when that damned pink elephant follows you back to your quarters again?

20.  …instead of sexual prowess, you now reprogram your holographic boyfriend to mix drinks?

21.  …wake up to find leaves in your bed and your prehensile plant looking *very* satisfied?

22.  ...declare the Prixin season earlier and earlier every year, just so you can enjoy more of Neelix's brew?

23.  ...wake up in the middle of the day... then notice Neelix beside you … and suddenly that bout of 'rebound' sex comes back to you in frightening clarity?

24.  ...when in a murderous mood, now eschew the Borg, and instead kill a six-pack, just to watch it die?

25.  ...catch your previously respectful underlings referring to you as 'Katie the Blotto'?

26.  …wake up from a bender and get strange looks from your crewmen all day until Neelix finally tells you you have 'bite me' written on your forehead in chocolate sauce?

27.  …take the helm during a victory flight on your return to the alpha quadrant and accidently land Voyager on top of Starfleet Command instead of on Mars?

Now, add up your points. If you got:

(24 – 54 points) You are definitely an alcoholic starship captain.  It is recommended that you resign your commission and retire to your quarters in a funk, occasionally venturing out to act out drunkfics and engage in meaningless sex.

(12 – 23 points) You are well on your way to being perpetually pissed. Heaven knows how more your liver can take. In the interests of health, a speedy conversion to hard drug use is recommended.

(5 – 11 points) You are a paranoid puritan fundamentalist. The idea that someone, somewhere, is having fun haunts you. You have a peanut butter fetish, and secretly enjoy weasels. You paint umbrellas and waltz with cows in your spare time. Go scull something, for heaven's sake!

Comments?  Queries?  Are YOU an alcoholic starship captain?  Email me: elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au

Copyright: I'm not even gonna try claiming it.  Suffice it to say, gags were borrowed from similar quizzes on various websites and the University of Queensland's student paper.  No offense, whether you're alcoholic, the family of an alcoholic or Baptist, is intended.

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