ASK KES:

After metamorphosing into a special effect, Kes leaves Voyager and becomes ... a columnist. Yes, our favourite Ocampa is dishing out helpful and practical advice on the important issues: what to wear to Ponn Far, whether you should bite on the first date and how do you gently let your Talaxian chef know you hate him.

Dear Kes,
I've been invited to a formal event, and I am unsure as to whether a skintight catsuit with six-inch heels qualifies as formal clothing. Can you advise me?
Socially Unsure

Dear Socially Unsure,
There is some debate as to whether a skintight catsuit with six-inch heels qualifies as clothing at all. Whenever in doubt, see Tuvok, Chakotay or B'Elanna for advice, but under no circumstances should you approach Captain Janeway, Tom Paris or Neelix for fashion advice.

Dear Kes,
I'm growing out a really terrible hairstyle at the moment, and I know you grew out your hair in the space between two episodes, so I was wondering what you did to speed up the process.
Hairy Situation

Dear HS,
I've found Leola Root to have amazing effects on the rate at which hair grows (just look at Neelix), but you may want to consider other options, as it also has an adverse effect on your screen time.

Dear Kes,
I have found myself the object of unwanted attention, and I am unsure how I can convince the man in question to leave me alone.
Still Socially Unsure

Dear Socially,
You're already on the right track. Just keep hitting him. (Harry's a real pain, isn't he)

Dear Kes,
Despite the fact that I am omnipotent, handsome, incredibly fascinating, and a recurring character to boot, I have had absolutely no luck convincing a particular human woman to have sex with me. What can I do?
Letterman

Dear Letterman,
My advice would be to either try again (perhaps you could give the tattoo another try) or give up and find someone more appreciative of your skills (and I am not volunteering, by the way).

Dear Kes,
Even though I'm not really ugly, I've found that my only fans are middle aged mothers who think I'm 'cute'. So why can't I attract women my age?
Sick of Being Cute

Dear "Cute",
The reason younger women don't like you, other than your complete lack of personality of course, is your clean cut, nerd boy image. Follow the example set by one of your crewmates, and get a tattoo. Or an earring. (A nose ring might be pushing it, though ... you are aiming for a middle American audience after all).

Dear Kes,
I was once a part of a well known girls pop group, but I eventually decided to go my own way. Since then, though, it has become disturbingly clear that I am completely lacking in talent, taste, or even personality. What do you recommend I do?
Spice-less

Dear Spice-less,
Have you considered a job in television?

Dear Kes,
I'm a fairly public figure, and recently my family and I have been publicly humiliated by the revelation that I had an affair with one of my employees. Now my wife and daughter, not to mention the rest of the world, seem to despise me. What am I to do?
Free Willy
PS What are you doing Saturday night?

Dear Mr President,
I would recommend that you return from politics and become a clergyman.
My plans for Saturday night involve a party at the Q Continuum.

Dear Kes,
Can I come?
Free Willy

Dear Mr President,
The party is for omnipotent and/or non-corporeal beings only. Since even the president of the USA isn't omnipotent, and it seems you definitely have a physical form, it would be ... how can I put this ... inappropriate for you to attend.

Dear Kes,
Since the loss of my medical assistant, I have had to suffer through the trauma of prolonged exposure to your so-called replacement. When do you plan to put us all out of our misery and return to Voyager?
Doc

Dear Doctor,
Unfortunately, the space where I could be inserted into the yearly cast portraits is occupied by Seven of Nine's breasts, so I would say "Never."

Dear Kes,
Due to various strains in my life, I have suffered severe depression lately. My moods have swung between apathy, agression and Janeway-level deathwish. I've tried everything, but not even banana pancakes, expanded screentime and the attentions of my yummy boyfriend can pull me out. What can I do?
Klinging On

Dear Klinging On,
You were almost there with the pancakes, but it didn't go far enough. Let's take a tip from the omnipotent. What did Q do when he discovered depression? He ordered 10 chocolate sundaes of course! Try and all-you-can-eat chocolate buffet and you'll be back to your usual self in no time!

(If you were the captain I'd recommend caution for fear of bloating, but we've all seen the evidence of your fitness routine. Still, why not contribute something for the ladies in the audience - ask Seven to join you.)

Dear Kes,
Recently I've found myself receiving a great deal of attention from media publications aimed at male humans. At first this was flattering, but I have become annoyed with the focus on my cleavage and sexuality rather than my personality. How can I avoid this attention in future.
Now really socially confused.

Dear Socially Confused,
It's a sad fact of life that a woman could be the most intelligent human since Einstein, but if she had blond hair and a sizeable bust, the men's magazines will portray her as having an IQ smaller than her waistline. Stll, overt displays of intelligence should scare them off. Talk about Victorian poetry and Renaissance-era French novellists, and I think you'll find the magazines will quickly find a less educated pin-up.

Dear Kes,
I am a thirty-something borderline paranoid sociopath obsessed with the disappearance of my sister. I have a pornography fixation and find it impossible to consummate a potential relationship with a work colleague.

Some days I wake up and feel sure that the world is threatened by black oil and bees. Is this normal?
Confused, Washington.

Dear Confused,
Get help. Soon.

Dear Kes,
Okay, so I'm in high school and I'm like, *totally* social goddess. And then this new chick comes to school, and she's way into this vamp slaying vibe. And I'm kinda cool with that, 'cause being on her side usually means staying alive. Anyway, her boyfriend's a hottie. But now I'm out of high school and all ready to move on with my life, and I'm *still* stuck in the Apocalypse Prevention Department.
Queen C.

Dear Queen C,
Let me get this straight. You start out as a minor member of an ensemble cast. At the end of 3 years, you find yourself being dumped unceremoniously from your series ... to become a major character in a smaller ensemble.

Don't come complaining to me.

Dear Kes,
Recently I've been having disturbing visions. I'll be sitting at my desk or in a meeting, and out of the corner of my eye I'll catch a glimpse of a naked Talaxian. The problem is becoming serious. My girlfriend and colleagues are suggesting that I should take a 'rest' and I'm having trouble concentrating on the universe I'm supposed to be running. What can I do?
Braggin'
P.S. Sorry about that whole Seven of Nine thing. No hard feelings eh?

Dear Braggin',
You bastard! Don't come crying to me after what you've done to my character! I should sue you for defamation after that "Fury" thing. If anyone deserves visions of naked Talaxians, it's you.

If you really want them to go away, try writing a decent -- none of this 'snogging in a muscle car' crap like P/T got -- romantic arc for Janeway and Chakotay. That'll make everyone happy.

And there I ran out of ideas ... email me (elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au) with your questions.