Reading over my last list, I decided it was lacking something.  Sure, it's a good crew (well, apart from the fact that only a handful are actually qualified for their jobs). But they're all so … nice.

So it's with joy and evil laughter that I present to you the Dark Side of the Trek force. The ship where the goons are aggressive and the weapons are strangely lacking in a stun setting.

The bad guy's ship.

The captain: I'd happily command this ship too, but instead I've relinquished that job to a woman who oozed more evil in one episode than I could in a lifetime: "Living Witness" Janeway.  Unfettered by morals, rules and possibly sanity, LW Janeway is a caffeine-powered psychotic.  The perfect accomplice for any massacre, and it's a damn shame that there's not more fanfic about her.

First officer: Angelus, the evil side of Angel.  His loyalty is questionable, but he's a snappy dresser and he seems to have so much fun that it's a joy to watch him at work.  Unless, of course, you have a weak stomach.

The doctor: the evil EMH.  You may remember him from such episodes as "Darkling", "Warhead" and "Equinox part 1 and 2". Not everyone can sing happy little songs while lobotomising the woman they love. Mostly, though, he's here because there's no way Paramount's going to let Robert Picardo leave that soundstage.  They've got something good and they're not going to let him go.  He'll be spending the rest of his life being shuttled between sets and convention appearances.

Conn: Spike, aka William the Bloody.  There's an unfortunate lack of platinum-haired Brits in Star Trek, which I feel needs to be remedied as soon as possible.  Not sure if he's qualified, but if you're 400-odd years old, you'll probably have developed a knack for new technology.  And no one makes smart-ass remarks like Spike.

Ops: a position that requires as much multi-tasking as ops demands someone whose skills can be upgraded whenever necessary.  Who better than the Borg Queen?  She doesn't balk at mass-murder, and if her skills are getting a bit rusty, just open her up and insert a new motherboard.

Security: Faith.  Not the semi-peaceful, redemption-seeking Faith of Angel, but the hell-raising, human-killing man-eater of Buffy's third season.  With her supernatural strength and inherent love of violence, she was virtually born for the job.

Engineering: Seska.  She seemed qualified enough on Voyager, and malicious impregnation is a special art.  Although it usually works better when you get the identity of the father right.  Still, she stood up to Janeway and lived, and is probably quite professional when Chakotay's not around.  And she writes killer holonovels.  (Sorry.  Had to say it.)

Ship's counsellor: Drusilla.  As long as we have Angelus and Spike, we might was well add Dru and complete the unholy trinity.  In any case, if the good guys get a counsellor with prescient visions, the bad guys deserve no less, even if they do come from a delusional psychopath.  And when she gets bored with her patients, she can gouge their eyes out – always a good party trick.

The advantage of the evil crew is that, if they were running Voyager, it would have gotten home a lot faster:

"Captain, we've discovered a life form whose body produces energy we can use to get home within a year."

"Fantastic.  Kill as many as we need."

"What do we do with the bodies?"

"Hmm.  Who's up for a barbecue?"
 
 

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Copyright © 2000 Elizabeth M. Barr

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