There are times when the line between fanfic, column and oddity becomes thin and distinctly grey.  This is one of those times. "Invasion of the Furbys" owes a lot to the Starfleet Journal column co-written by Jim Wright and Heather C Jarman.  Apologies to both.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WITHOUT CHILDREN: A Furby (plural Furbys) is the current must have toy.  It can talk, both in its own language and English, sing and play games.  To be honest, I'm less than impressed.  There's something pitiful about a toy that sings itself to sleep, and what genius decided not to give them an off switch?

Note to TPTB: all character assassinations, slanders and general insults are intended as good clean fun. Let's not get the law involved.

***

SCENE: a spacious briefing room in LA.  The Big Giant Head sits at the head of the table.  Joining him are Smaller Giant Head, Ego In Chief, Young and Upcoming Producer and the infamous three Lawyer-drones, 001, 002 and 003.

BGH: Okay boys, we at the network have some recommendations--

SGH: Creative input.

[EIC and Y&UP roll their eyes.]

BGH: For the Seven of Nine series.

EIC: It's called Voyager.  There are eight other characters.

BGH: Yeah, but she's the important one, right?  The one who holds it all together, keeps the crew going--

SGH: Looks good in photos.

[001 leans over and whispers briefly in BGH's ear. The words "leading lady" and "was threatening to resign" are heard.]

BGH: That broad?  *She's* running the show?  She's too old to pass for a college student.

001: Nevertheless she is a respected actress.

002: 'Respected' being defined as admired by a large number of people for her acting abilities rather than her physical appearance.

003: The focus of said admiration being defined by--

BGH: All right, I get it.  The skinny grandmother chick's in charge. [To SGH] Have her fired tomorrow. [Sees the look from the assembled lawyers] Okay, keep her.  Whatever.

Y&UP: Tell us about your creative input.

[SMH and BGH are enthusiastic.]

BGH: We've been in talks with Tiger Toys--

EIC: God, no more action figures.

SMH: Why not?  We were talking to Mattel about giving that captain chick a little sex appeal.

BGH: It's not about action figures,  We've arranged a deal which will allow the crew of ... what was it again?

Y&UP: Voyager.

BGH: Which will allow the crew of Voyager to have adventures on the planet Furby.

EIC and Y&UP: **The planet *Furby*?**

BGH: Yeah, you know.  Like the toys.

SGH: The internationally successful juvenile electronics range.

EIC: Are we talking about the thing that woke me up at 3 AM on Christmas morning?

BGH [happily]: Yup!

EIC: The thing which caused World War 3 to break out between my two children?

BGH: The very same!

EIC: Over my dead body.

002: The client will sign a statement acknowledging that statement was in jest.

[EIC signs the statement as the argument continues]

Y&UP: You can't make us write characters based on toys.  It's blatant advertising!

SGH: And you're trying to tell me that Seven of Nine isn't just another name for a Barbie doll?

001: Client will sign a statement acknowledging that there is no formal relationship between Mattel and Paramount regarding the Seven of Nine character.

003: And that any resemblance between the human known as Jeri Lynn Ryan and the doll known as Barbie is purely coincidental.

[002 and 003 produce reams of paper]

002 and 003: In triplicate!

[SGH signs the statements as the argument continues.]

EIC: Listen, we can't create characters based on toys.  Not only is it stupid in a generic kind of way, but it's aiming towards the wrong demographic.  Our target audiences don't want Furbys for Christmas, they want a rise in the stockmarket and a Jeri Ryan swimsuit calender.  Voyager is aimed at the same people who were woken up by the electronic monsters on Christmas morning, and who have plotted the destruction of the Furby every since!

SGH: C'mon guys, there's gotta be a way to resolve this. We need something new, something groundbreaking--

BGH: We need to push the envelope.

SGH: We need to think outside the box.

BGH and SGH: We need a plot!

EIC and Y&UP roll their eyes.

Y&UP: How about having the Furby assimilated by the Borg?

EIC: Or wiped out by a race of genocidal monsters?

003: The contract states that the episode must have a happy ending.

EIC: That's what I said.

002: The Furbys must end the episode alive.

Y&UP: Damn.

SGH: I was thinking of an ecology story.  You know, planet is begin polluted by bad aliens, killing happy, innocent Furbys, until Neelix comes along and saves them.

BGH: Neelix?  Not much audience appeal.  How about that Indian guy?  Y'know, sacred bond with nature, yada yada yada.  He goes behind Janeway's back, but eventually she sees the light and they rediscover their love while saving the Furbys.

EIC [sarcastic]: And they can have a baby and give it a Furby for Christmas?

BGH: Now you're getting into the swing of things!

SGH: Or how about a full on love story?

Y&UP: Janeway falls in love with a Furby?

EIC: Lemme guess, she gets drunk and mistakes him for Neelix?

SGH: Do Furbys have a gender?  Because we could do some really groundbreaking stuff...

Y&UP: Television's first lesbian love scene between a woman and a toy.

BGH: Wow, maybe I *should* call Mattel...

EIC: But Chakotay gets jealous that he was rejected for a toy, and beats the Furby into a pulp.  I'll lend ours to Robert, it'll help him understand his motivation.

001: Happy ending.  Or lawsuit.  You choose.

EIC: You have such a narrow definition of 'happy'.

002: On the contrary, our definition of 'happy' originates in the Oxford English dictionary, 1999 edition, which describes happiness as --

EIC: All right, I get the point.

Y&UP: This is really, really stupid, okay?  And I'll move to Seven Days before I put Voyager through this crap.

BGH: You refuse?  You're turning this opportunity down?  [Quietly, so that the lawyer drones don't hear] Do you know how much money rests on this?

Y&UP: Do you know how much ego rests on Voyager?

003: Is this a formal refusal?

EIC and Y&UP: Yes!

[001 and 002 present the two producers with several reams of forms and statements to sign]

003 [to BGH]: Then I am afraid our offer is withdrawn.  Good day, gentlemen.

001: 'Good day' being defined as one in which the Earth is not sucked into a black hole.

002: And 'gentlemen' being defined as men who can use cutlery.  Come on, guys.  Let's see if Buffy wants some cute electronic demons.

END

Well okay, it wasn't *that* J/C, but it had a little bit.

Questions, comments, chocolate, Neelix jokes: elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au

Copyright © 1999 Elizabeth M Barr

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