Written in response to Robert Beltran's comments that Chakotay isn't in love with Janeway anymore.  Something about how she kept blowing him off, silly woman.  And why'd he have to go and say that anyway?  I'm still in denial about my parent's divorce 5 years ago -- I don't want to have to deal with this as well!

Anyway, this is sad and short.

***

I don't love her anymore.

I thought it would hurt to say that.  I thought there would be anger.  Bitterness.

But there's only peace.

Strange.  Loving her brought me peace.  Aggravation, frustration, jealousy ... and a kind of peace, a sense that I didn't have to search anymore.  And now the love has gone, but I'm still at peace.

I'm still her friend.  I'd happily spend the rest of my life following her through the delta quadrant.  I'd kill anyone who hurt her.  I'd expected to resent her for not responding to my advances, for not returning my feelings.  But when I think of her, the absence of pain is as strong as the absence of love.

Romantic love, that is.  There's still the platonic love that made our friendship so strong.  There's even the erotic love, the sexual attraction that still crackles between us sometimes.  But I no longer see her as the mother of my children.

I guess I'm not in love with her anymore.

I'm not sure if she realises this.  But then, I've never been sure whether she was even aware of my infatuation when it existed.  She responds more enthusiastically to an emotional overture from Seven.

Now there's a terrifying thought.

And now she's in love with a hologram.  At first I thought it was an infatuation, even more pathetic and lonely than my infatuation with her.  But a few quiet words -- well, threats, both to himself and her hologram -- assured me that her feelings were genuine.  And I've come to believe him -- I know from experience that Kathryn doesn't give her heart easily.

She seems happy.  Strange that an artificial construct -- from the mind of Tom Paris, think about that -- could make her happy where I failed.  But she's glowing, smiling more, laughing easily.

I guess it won't last -- it's not like she can take him home and introduce him to her mother.  And I have no doubt that, when the thrill is gone or when B'Elanna finally makes good her threat to decompile the whole Fair Haven program, I'll be the one picking up the pieces.

That's what friends do.

At least, for once, I won't feel like I'm using her grief as an excuse to be close to her.

After all, I don't love her anymore.

END

Go to Coral's sequel, "Loving Her"

Comments (I'm expecting some virtual heavy objects), criticisms (of which there'll no doubt be plenty), chocolate (unlikely) and praise (ha! It even depressed me!): elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au

Copyright © 2000 Elizabeth M. Barr

Star Trek, Star Trek Voyager and all related characters and situations are the property of Paramount Pictures.  No profit is derived from this story.