by Liz Barr
March 2001
J/C, C/7
rated PG-13
summary: Janeway, Chakotay and Seven think about their complicated relationship.
 

After I posted "Parameters" to ASC, Boadicea asked for a C/7 where Chakotay wasn't the nice guy.  This isn't an AU, but it's certainly not canon.  Call it a 'what if'.  (Lyrics on the picture come from 'Sweeter than Anything' by PJ Harvey.)

Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures, despite the fact that it seems to have no idea what to do with them.
 

1.  Janeway

He doesn't bother to hide his revulsion.  He lies next to me, but he doesn't touch me.  I draw myself inwards, not touching him, and wonder how this happened.  Why I don't end it.

I gambled and lost, and that hurts as much as anything else.  I don't think it's my fault, exactly, but I don't want to admit that I was wrong about him.

Last night, he came to me late, not even washing her scent from his skin.  There's no respect, let alone affection, in his eyes anymore.  I ended up finishing reports in my ready room, knowing that he'll accuse me of being work-obsessed and distant.

I think I made a mistake. He looks at me, and I know he's superimposing her face over mine.  No respect. I turn it all over in my mind, wondering if the fault is mine.  I began the relationship.  The blame for that, if nothing else, lies with me.

I should end it.  Take control back from him.  Even the crew can feel the schism.  I'm lucky that the majority have chosen to support me in this.  If his disrespect spread ... the wellbeing of the ship shouldn't be tangled up with the captain's personal life.  This was a mistake from the beginning, and staying only makes it worse.

I can't be angry at *her*.  Because I know she's making the same mistake I did.

He looks at her, and he doesn't bother to hide his revulsion.
 

2.  Chakotay

There are scars on her back.  I didn't expect them.

She's not the woman I'd thought she was.  Demanding where I'd thought her independent, emotional when I want her to be rational and rational where I need to see a glimpse of emotion.  Obsessed with the ship, in love with dead metal.

Her offer surprised me when it came.  I'd honestly imagined her cut off from needs and wants.  Above the call of flesh and warmth and, yes, love.  Even friendship seemed impossible.  But we already know that I am no judge of women.

There are scars on her back, and even knowing what she suffered, I cannot bring myself to touch them.

In my mind they are one woman, the scars of the Cardassian camp and assimilation mingled.

In my imagination, they'd been perfect.
 

3.  Seven

Human motives, even my own, are frequently confusing.  People often defy my expectations, leaving me to reconsider the variables and redefine the parameters.  I usually find it challenging.

He looks at me with an odd expression on his face, and I find that I do not wish to be challenged tonight.  So I avoid asking why he continues his relationship with the captain, despite his claims of loving me.  My expectations have not been met, and I must decide whether to revise them or confront him.

His hands are warm, comforting.  For tonight, at least, I choose to revise them.

B'Elanna lost her temper yesterday.  She called me childish, taking the one thing the captain cannot afford to lose.  The crew stood watching, waiting to see how I would defend myself.  I have not been popular lately.  Normally, I would consider such a thing irrelevant, but I do not like the way the crew look at me.

B'Elanna was only partially correct.  The captain has given no indication of her preferences regarding Chakotay.  Her face is composed, mask-like.

But perhaps I have been childish, choosing Chakotay and expecting everyone to accommodate my expectations.  I do not know why I believed they would.

Even my own motivations are confusing.

END

(I promise, I'll write something funny soon)

Feedback, chocolate and virtual brickbats: elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au

Copyright © 2001 Elizabeth M. Barr

Star Trek ® is a registered trademark of Paramount Pictures registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office. Star Trek: Voyager is a trademark of Paramount Pictures.