Part Two, Chapter Three: Lost, Again, In More Ways Than One

Several hours of nearly-futile searching later, they had only managed to recover a handful of coins and a bedraggled piece of paper that they could only assume had once been their map from the bottom of the river. It was about noon when they finally gave up and started back to their camp to decide what they were going to do.

“So what are we going to do now?” Ryouga asked morosely, holding the ruined map near the fire in an attempt to dry it out and perhaps make it near-readable again.

Ranma finished counting the coins they had found. “1450 yen. Not much… but we shouldn’t need more, if we’re careful. And we can ask around… someone’s bound to know where Horisan is, even if it’s not marked on any of the normal maps. I think I know the general direction…”

Ryouga shook out the map one last time and spread it out on a flat rock near the fire. It was dry, but all that she could make out was a vague wash of black ink faded to gray that got darker in a few spots - nothing readable. Irritated, she tossed it aside. The pain she had almost forgotten about had come back, stabbing her sharp in the stomach… she resisted the urge to wince and rubbed her forehead again, where the beginnings of a headache were forming. “But what if we don’t find it?” she whispered, only half speaking to Ranma. “What if we just get lost – I always get lost – and we never make it? What if Herb finds it before us and takes it back to wherever they came from?” Her words grew louder and louder as she continued, until she was screaming into Ranma’s face, shaking him by the collar. “What if I’m stuck like this forever! I don’t want to be a girl forever! I don’t want to ever have to be like this again, with this body, with these…” she suddenly cut off, in the middle of her shout.

Ranma was so frozen in surprise that it took her a few seconds to realize that Ryouga was crying, and then had an armful of girl when Ryouga collapsed forward, sobbing into her chest. Awkwardly, Ranma patted her shoulder, trying to calm her down. That was sudden… yet somehow, when she thought about it, she wasn’t all that surprised. Surprised that Ryouga was crying like this, but not really too shocked over the fact that she had had this outburst. In a way it was actually better than the quiet.

“Damnit… now I’m even acting like a girl…” the words were muffled. But she didn’t stop sobbing against Ranma’s shirt, which was already soaked from her repeated divings into the river. 

“Ryouga… I -” she didn’t finish the statement. I what? I… I… I won’t let you stay like this? How can I promise something like that? I don’t *know* that Herb hasn’t already gotten the kettle and left with it… and if even the old ghoul didn’t know where they were from, I doubt that anyone else does… she felt her own heart sinking as she considered their admittedly dismal prospects. Without the map it would take them that much longer to reach the mountain, giving Herb a good chance to beat them there and simply leave… and they only knew the name of the mountain, not the specific location. There was no guarantee that anyone would know it… 

“I’ll try my best…” was all she eventually offered. It was all she really could say.

***

Ryouga pretended to sleep. She wasn’t sure if she had actually fooled Ranma or not, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop pretending, and have to face *him*. Not after embarrassing herself like that. What’s wrong with me? But whether Ranma was just letting her pretend to be asleep or if he was actually fooled, he let her sleep. He had even carried her into her tent, after changing himself back from herself, and covered her up with more blankets than the comfortably warm evening required. Ryouga supposed it was her own fault, but she just hadn’t been able to stop shivering. Even though she wasn’t cold.

She just stared at the ceiling of the tent. Sleep was impossible. She didn’t even consider actually trying to get some obviously much-needed rest, such was her agitation. She watched the ceiling of the tent – an insubstantial barrier if ever there was one – her mind going in circles too fast for its own good. 

Why did I do that? Why am I acting like a girl? I’m not a girl, damnit! I’m a guy! I love Akane. As soon as I get cured… when I get cured… *if* get cured… but what if I don’t? Ranma said he would help. Ranma always thinks he can do anything. But he can’t… or can he? He could always beat me… he could always beat *everyone*. Except Akane. He always let her win… I don’t think she could beat him really, but she never missed with the mallet or table or whatever… did he let her hit him? Why? Could it be that he really loves her? They never act as if they love each other… but… there are a lot of times when… But why? Why would he love her? He’s got so many other girls who aren’t as in so much denial as Akane… if she loves him of course and I’m not saying that she does… who would be so happy to be with him… and I can’t really blame them, I mean they all have reasons and he’s not that bad a guy… they could do worse for themselves. Good-looking… pretty handsome, actually, although a jerk, of course. He doesn’t always act like that, though… like today. He didn’t just push me away, he listened and tried to help… well, he didn’t actually help much but he tried, in a bumbling cute sort of way. But he always has to act so macho. Like he doesn’t care. And it hurts everyone, can’t he see? He can’t be nice to Akane… he doesn’t deserve to be with Akane. Ukyou would be a good person for him. She obviously likes him, heck, she followed him for ten years trying to get revenge and then did an emotional one-eighty when he told her she was cute. Okay so maybe she’s not the most stable of persons. As if I’m one to talk. I followed him for… hated him so badly for how long? Three? Four years? Geez, I can’t even remember. That’s not a good sign. And now I’ve done the same thing… gone from hating him to…

She sat up, eyes wide with shock at the directions her thoughts had gone. Wait! What the HELL am I *thinking*?!? The tent wobbled slightly from the forcefulness of her movement, but stayed upright. I do *not*… an image of Ranma flitted past her mental eye and she groaned. Damnit… this is why I need to get that cure NOW… damn *damn*… 

She flopped back down unto her back. Her headache was growing again. And, because misery loves company, the pain in her stomach came sharp and suddenly back again, worse now than it was even at the beginning. The combined pain made her eyes unfocus and she curled up into the tightest, smallest fetal ball she could manage, anything to lessen it. But it had one good effect, good in her opinion at least – it stopped the thoughts and blurred the memory. Eventually she fell asleep, even if it wasn’t restful.

***

~Mordain

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