Sunday, April 21, 2002

Dear ones,

It is hard to believe, but it is over five months since my transplant!!! And, almost two months since we returned to Vermont. As I approach my 52nd birthday this week, I am frequently aware of how incredibly lucky I am to be alive and able to celebrate another year of life.

My medical condition continues to be good. I am about midway in my taper of immune suppressant drugs and that has allowed me to reduce some other medications as well. I have what seems like a constant stream of small symptoms. None of these are really difficult to deal with but each requires careful evaluation and follow up. And it is not like being at the Hutch, where these kind of symptoms and diagnostic tests are familiar and done daily. But, I continue to be impressed by everyone here involved in my medical care as well as the Hutch staff who are available for consultation with my docs and me.

I seem to be settling into the ongoing mix of things that are now part of my current life -- incredible fatigue which varies from hour to hour and day to day; gratitude for the incredible network of family and friends; daily vigilance about various symptoms; yoga, meditation and walks with my dog; listening to wonderful CDs; and, getting private screenings (in order to avoid crowds/germ exposure) of movies at our local theater, owned by some friends. The heat wave here this past week brought spring to Vermont. It was wonderful and challenging. I so wanted to be out in my garden which is off limits this season. But, I have decided to learn more about birds which I can enjoy from my couch on days when I don't have energy for much else. And the bird life outside my windows is really diverse. And, I have continued writing and am exploring the possibility of finding an agent to help. While I miss my paid professional work which has been so central to my life before cancer, I am certainly not able to resume that life at present.

As my energy allows, I have been going out. A couple of meals at restaurants (trying to follow my immune suppressed diet), attending my central Vermont energy/healing group (YEAH!), and tonight actually going to some friends house for an early dinner! Great to be able to incorporate some of these old "normal" activities.

Becky got her driver's permit and is learning to drive under guidance from some of our friends. (Although, I have been out a few times, I am still not driving regularly as a result of some remaining cognitive impairment and intermittent eye problems.) This seems to mark some new developmental chapter. And, it has provoked images and recollections of Michael who taught B to ride a bike and would have taken the driving lessons on with enthusiasm and patience.

My folks have come to visit a couple times since we returned from Seattle but it is a far different relationship than when they lived close by and we could have regular, casual contact. Steve is here every few weeks depending on his travel schedule for work and his need to be in his own new home in Rockville. While I miss his every day physical presence, we talk pretty much daily and I also relish some of my time alone.

This is a journey which will clearly be lifelong. Cancer and its treatment-related aftermath will, I suspect, remain a large part of whatever time is ahead. Although I sometimes really miss what is not possible now (gardening, travel, etc), much of the time I am able to enjoy each day as it unfolds. And I seem to be learning, that that pleasure can not be based on any assumptions/expectations about what I am going to accomplish. Easier at some times than at others.

Thanks for continued support and concern. I KNOW that that caring is one of the key ingredients in my being here now. I hope that each of you is able to appreciate the spring and what is in your life now.

E

If you have not checked it out recently, you might want tovisit my web site: http://www.oocities.org/ellenfeinwebsite/

for some updated photos. Thanks to Nancy Wasserman who has taken over as web wizard.