Getting your Visa to go to
los Estados UnidosThat popular Merida past-time - by Yours Truly
All my Yucatecan readers will be happy today. This article does not point out any observations on life in Merida; instead, it pokes fun at the gringo presence here!One of the things that many a local can't be without is that little plastic card that grants those of us who live in a place other than the center of the universe, access to the Estados Unidos. The entire process of obtaining a visa to enter the U.S. is a ritual undertaken by many, although not everyone makes the cut.
This is as close as this woman is going to get to the U.S.
Speaking of cuts and those who can leave Mexico and those who can't or have to do it in stuffy railway cars that sit in deserts for days at a time, reminds me of a comment overheard by yours truly regarding that nasty Cuban dictator and the way he keeps his people prisoners on that little island in the sun. Many people in Mexico complain about that and extoll (look it up) the freedom here in Mexico. The reality of the situation is quite different, since most Mexicans are in the same boat (figuratively speaking of course) as their Cuban counterparts and are not able to leave the country, not because of some crazy bearded power-mad generalisimo, but because of the fact that they are too poor to leave legally.But back to that popular Yucatecan pasttime, getting that elusive U.S. visa. "What's the big deal?" you may ask, Mr. American Reader. Well, the big deal is that the locals all want to have one since you can't go to Diss Nay Whirl, Nueba Yor or even Choppin En Jiustom without one. Very few locals with any active cerebral components actually want to stay in the U.S. to live (estamos re-bien aqui, todavia hay servicio!) but the United States government is under the impression that there are a few Mexicans here and there throughout the country that seem to want to get to their promised land to work and/or study there illegally, so they have decided to make it onerous, difficult and annoying and hell, why not, even profitable to process your visa application form. If you want to see the buffalo roam and deer and the antelope play, you'll have to pay for the privelege.
So you, the aspiring visitor to the U.S., must pay to get a visa application. Are they the only country in the world that does this? And payment does not by any means guarantee that you'll actually get a visa! Long live capitalism! Who do these people think they are? And then there's their consular information service. Want information? Don't bother calling the real humans at the office; they can't or won't help you. Call their 900 number instead and pay per-minute charges while you listen to instructions.
The best part of this whole rather smelly process is the visa application form itself.
It would appear that the United States government (through their INS - does this stand for "I'm NOT Stupid"? - department) is trying to identify the intellectually challenged among those of us unfortunate enough to have not been selected by the deity of the month to be U.S. citizens. Just look at these questions that actually appear on the visa application form and tell me how anyone planning to go to the U.S. would answer them (these are real questions, so try not to laugh; be serious):
Questions 1 - 19 are the usual name, address, eye color, spouse name, occupation, beard length etc etc etc. Nothing new there. The good stuff starts at question 22:
Visa holders are not permitted to work in the U.S.Then question 34-A is a winner! Imagine answering "Duh yeah I think so" to this one:
Do you plan to work in the U.S.?Possible answer:
Yeah umm actually, I was going to, like, wash dishes at Tio Ricardo's Taco Emporium in San Diego - is that like, a problem?
Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization?The rest of question 34 goes on to ask if you've been arrested, etc., all questions to which you will be sure to answer appropriately. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more...Possible answer:
What's it to you imperialistic swine - terrorists have human rights too you know...yes I am, so what.
Then this tidbit:
Have you ever been involved in the smuggling of controlled substances (such as drugs) or in activities related to prostitution?Even better:Possible answer:
Yes, I'm a crack smoking, 20 dollar per blowjob streetwalker! Are you saying I can't take my seven ilegitimate kids to Disney World?
Are you going to the U.S. to join subversive, terrorist or other illegal groups?And last, but definitely not least:Possible answers:
1. Yeah, why? (Yucatecan version: Ehhhhhh que tiene?)
2. I am a already card-holding member of the Valladolid branch of the I.R.A. So, no I'm not going to join a group.
Have you ever directed, provoked, assisted or participated in any way in the persecution of any person or persons based on their race, religion, country of origin or political opinion, under the control, directly or indirectly, of the Nazi government in Germany or any other area occupied or allied with the aforementioned Nazi government? Have you participated in actions implied with genocide?This last question was a good one wasn't it! You would think you were entering the land of the holy! Vatican City move over, the good old U.S. of A. is even more pristine than St. Petes and the ground more hallowed. Can't have former Nazis applying to visit this country, what would the European business partners think! After all, those ex-Nazis already got all the U.S. help they're gonna get when they were spirited out of the ruins of Germany and set up in Brazil, Bolivia and other even more shady hangouts. Besides, there's already enough ultra-right-wing fascist redneck skinheads in 'America', blowing things up and shooting other kids in elementary and junior high schools thank you very much.Possible answer:
Yes, my name is Eichmann and although I play piano pretty well, I'm getting old and the fingers just aren't what they used to be. Did some genocide when I was younger, with Hitler and some other guys from school, but we never inhaled.
Does the INS actually think that anyone is going to answer YES to any of these questions?
If you ask me, the U.S. government is secretly more concerned about the increase in stupid people within it's borders, and not so much with actual bloodthirsty and potentially suicidal terrorists. There can be no other explanation for the ridiculousness of the questions on that form.
And regarding charging a non-refundable fee for a visa application really reeks of self-importance and prepotencia. Quite a change from "give me your tired huddled masses" and the statue of liberty and all that corny crap! What if Mexico responded and perhaps charged a small fee for tourist visas? Would all that tourism really go to Jamaica or the Virgin Islands? I doubt it.
And that's today's rambling diatribe. If you want more, there's more; look below for more comments on the definition of 'terrorist' and other nonsense.
take me back to the February page - I can't stand any more of this!
Bonus Section for Avid Readers
(Definition of Terrorists)Terrorists, by the way are not allowed into the U.S. (there're already enough, here in 'merica we call 'em the Marines) and below is the definition of "terrorist" (transpose the following definition of terrorism onto U.S. involvement in Chile, Central America, Iraq, Iran, Vietnam, Cuba, etc.):(ii) TERRORIST ACTIVITY DEFINED.-- As used in this Act, the term 'terrorist activity' means any activity which is unlawful under the laws of the place where it is committed (or which, if committed in the United States, would be unlawful under the laws of the United States or any State) and which involves any to the following:(I) The hijacking or sabotaging of any conveyance (including aircraft, vessel, or vehicle).
(II) The seizing or detaining, and threatening to kill, injure, or continue to detain, another individual in order to compel a third person(including a governmental organization) to do or abstain from doing any act as an explicit or implicit condition for the release of the individual seized or detained.
(III) A violent attack upon an internationally protected person (as defined in section 1116 (b)(4) of title 18, United States Code) or upon the liberty of such a person.
(IV) An assassination
(V) The use of any--
(a) biological agent, chemical agent, or nuclear weapon or device, or(VI) A threat, attempt, or conspiracy to do any of the foregoing.
(b) explosive or firearm (other than for mere personal monetary gain), with the intent to endanger, directly or indirectly, the safety of one or more individuals or to cause substantial damage to property.
The definition by the way comes from a U.S. Gov't page located at:http://travel.state.gov/visa;ineligible.html
so don't take my word for it.
