Labastida in a photo that is making the rounds on the Internet
The forced moustached smile of that diminutive PRI candidate still looked down at us up to a day or two ago, confidently awaiting the presidential chair in Los Pinos, the official Mexican presidency accommodation.
Unfortunately, his actual height was not the only characteristic that was diminutive about Francisco Labastida; his campaign fizzled with a series of unfortunate commercials, his speeches lacked any conviction whatsoever and his appearance in the publicly televised debates only enhanced his image as a office-bound number cruncher, incapable of connecting with the general populace. In the end, all these factors brought him down, and ended a 71 year stranglehold on Mexico by the Partido Revolucionario Institucional.
So much has been said and commented and analyzed and regurgitated about these elections that NotTheNews and Yours Truly can not possibly add anything at this point, without resorting to boring plagiarisms from near and far.
In a nutshell, Fox won and the crowd went wild! Cardenas will now be put out to pasture and Labastida will be forgotten in a few months as the PRI splits into several different and opposing factions.
The Big Change
Finally, the elections are over, and everyone is in shock because the "man in the boots" actually won!
The pressure is on Vicente Fox, since he must now perform miracles to prove his followers right and his detractors wrong. Look for a Vicente near you dividing bread and wine among thousands, and pulling all kinds of criminals out of a large black magicians hat... Colosio's real murderer, the schemers behind the Posadas, Massieu and Paco "E"Stanley executions, etc. etc. etc.
Yes indeed. The big change.
Many people are expecting things to turn around from one minute to another, by the simple act of having someone different in the presidents chair. Of course, they do not for a moment consider that making any changes whatsever in their behaviour, their attitudes; there is no change required on their part, they can continue to go on as ever, the simple fact that Fox has won will now change everything! Hooray! Let's sit back, crack open an icy Sol and watch it all change!!!
In the spirit of this hopeful yet naive optimism, NotTheNews goes out on a limb to predict some of the wonderful changes that will occur, now that the opposition has won the election, the evil PRI has been ousted from power and the plebes await Fox's first miracles.
A Whole New World
Corruption and government inefficiency will suddenly end,
as repentant burocrats get up from their seats and reach out to bear-hug
the now-smiling and newly tolerant members of the general public patiently
waiting on the other side of the desk. The formerly gum-chewing, novela-reading,
torta-eating
secretaries and receptionists will now show never-before-seen empathy towards
the persons that they are helping, and will excuse themselves politely
to retire to newly constructed lunchroom facilities, built under new and
exciting human relations programs initiated by grateful and suddenly human
jefes and delegados, for their comida or coffee break.
No longer will bribes be accepted by traffic cops in search
of a cuota to fill for their superiors. The only superiors they will be
answering to are the ones they'll be hoisting in Heladios Bar and that
they will actually be able to pay for, thanks to a significant increase
in their salaries. Their training will also improve, and recruitment ads
will no longer feature demeaning photographs of conscripts diving through
flaming hoops as if they were circus animals.
Merida's passport office will prolong their operating
hours from 2 hours a day to a full and generous 8 hour day. In case a person
is not able to personally able to retrieve their passport, an office member
will deliver it to their home, demonstrating the new service ethic so prevalent
in the government since the elections.
Speaking of passports, the U.S. Consular office in Merida
with their criminal fee for visa applications and their accursed 900 number
where you pay per minute through the nose for information you don't need,
will go out of business, since no one will want to visit the land of the
arms race, the stained blue dress and Disney World, that fantasy world
where facial hair is not permitted even though its founder sported a moustache.
All Mexicans will want to stay home and work I mean watch as Fox magically
transforms the country. Those living in the U.S. will flood back into Mexico
in a great burst of nationalistic pride.
In a similar vein, the U.S. Border Patrol officers along
the U.S. Mexican border will have to get real jobs, for the same reason.
And while we're at the border, just in case, Mexican border officials,
for their part, will take swimming lessons and learn how to lasso people
caught in rivers when trying to cross the Rio Grande.
Meanwhile, here in Merida, Yucatecan drivers in this formerly
white city will courteously let other cars and pedestrians pass in front
of them, without the usual gesturing and blaring of horns. These pedestrians
will wave 'thank you' and offer a piece of whatever they're eating to the
kind driver that let them cross the street.
Merida's (and the Yucatecan) police force will finally
realize that brown is not a fitting color for a brown-skinned person and
will change their outfits to mauve or salmon in an effort to reach out
to the dictates of modern fashion. They will also receive a basic education,
thus enabling them more proficient in the offering of on the spot judgements
and the carrying on of a coherent conversation.
All of Merida's confusing and useless one-way streets
will be abolished, with the obvious exception of downtown, which is the
only place it makes sense. The SPV and other related but not necesarily
informed officials in charge of the city's traffic regulations and modifications,
will actually hire a qualified individual with experience in the subject
to help plan for future growth without resorting to half a dozen brown
uniformed 'officers' swinging batons, whistles and other things at every
possible conflict zone.
Topes will dissappear as refomedly well-behaved
and caring motorists slow down in school zones and respect speed limits
regardless of how much of a hurry they are in.
The once-arrogant drivers of Audis, Mercedes and
upscale late-model
Volkswagen products will suddenly and inexplicably refrain from parking
in spaces marked as reserved for the handicapped, and will actually walk
from their vehicle to their destination, even if it is more than 50 meters
away from where they parked. These same drivers will also now, in the spirit
of a new and changed Mexico, actually pull over to the side of the street
to have conversations with others of their ilk, instead of just parking
in the middle of a two lane street, blocking all traffic. And in order
to pull over to the side of the street, they will actually use turn signals!
The property where a Walmart was going to be built, will
instead become the Merida Municipal Library, funded by altruistic local
businessmen who for years have lived very well by commercializing to the
citizens of the formerly white city. It is realized that Merida needs another
gringo store like a hole in the head. In a sudden and unexpected move,
that can only be attributed to a newly found sense of gratitude to their
community that Fox's election has inspired, the owners of this property
will donate the entire piece of land to the city and together with others
like them, build the most modern library in Mexico, for which they will
be remembered for decades to come.
Armando Medina will be freed from prison and will assume
the control of Assis, the cloth merchants operations, thanks to the clemency
and apologies offered by the prosecuting parties and the leniency of the
judges and attorneys involved, and also to the new-found pleasure of forgiveness
and spirit of human kindness.
After several attempts at this and that politically, Orlando
Paredes will have himself a strong cup of coffee, wake up and discover
that he wasn't cut out for politics after all and retire peacefully to
a farm somewhere near Peto.
Ana Rosa Payan will also (and thankfully) retire from
politics and will dedicate her time to writing, publishing several volumes
of her memoirs, both political and personal, among which will be such titles
as "La Pena Ajena y Yo; Experiencias Personales", "No Somos Uno, No Somos
Cien, Cuentanos Bien" and in English for her many fans abroad, "How I Lost
My Voice to Politics".
Jorge Esma Bazan, that icon of Yucatecan culture, organizer
of dramatic and expansive choral programs whenever foreign dignitaries come
to town, in order to thereby enhance the myth that choral music is alive and
well in Merida, pronouncer of passionate speeches celebrating the great cultural
advances that Yucatan has suffered under his reign, will resign and move
to England to study the Queen's every movement and gesture, thus liberating
the state and the city of his pedantic outbursts.
