ABSOLUTELY USELESS STUFF
A short and ever growing list of all those things that are invented, designed and produced somewhere in the world that are n/a (non applicable) in this fine city.

Turn Signals on Cars
Somewhere, at some time, Mr. Ford or Mr. Plymouth or Mr. Daimler or perhaps his buddy Mr. Benz thought that having some way of indicating, while driving,  that you were going to turn, would be of great benefit, as a kind of consideration for those behind you, thereby preventing traffic accidents.

However, in Merida, this feature could be left out, since nobody actually uses theirs.

Turns are made at the last minute and lane changes are made using the weaving method patented by drunken Irishmen in the 17th century. Think of the savings to be had if Yucatecans didn't have to pay for this extra on their new cars.

City Zoning Regulations
Since anyone can build anything anywhere here, perhaps the effort and money spent on designing commercial, residential, light industrial and industrial zoning for the city of Merida, could be better applied elsewhere. Then again, where would some of these city inspectors get their extra income if it weren't for for blind-eye incentives offered by whomever is building where they're not supposed to...

Look at Comercial Mexicana at the Gran Plaza Mall. Not the front, mind you, but the back, where the semi trailers arrive to unload their merchandise for the store. The street itself is about 2 feet wide (ok I'm exaggerating a little) and there is absolutely no room for maneuvering a truck that size. Somebody had to approve those plans, right? And surely no zoning plan would contemplate such a ridiculous access for a store of this size...

Look at any new residential area. Watch how almost immediately there is a small Coca-Cola or Pepsi sponsored tiendita in one of the houses, followed by the inevitable Superior beer agencia and a convenient tortilleria.

What about the permits given for the construction of factories within what will soon be Merida's city limits? One such enterprise had to relocate because of pressure from the families who had bought residential lots all around the factory and were complaining about the dust, noise and pollution. Everyone was blaming the factory owner, but who signed off on the original plan to put the factory there in the first place? Did they think that Merida wouldn't grow? Then, a decade or two later, somebody downtown signs off on a residential development right beside the factory. What was hi$ motivation, I wonder?

So throw out those zoning plans and let anarchy rule, as it inevitably will anyway.

Law Enforcement
I won't get into too much detail here, but basically if you're robbed, mugged or otherwise have your basic constitutional rights violated, you're S.O.L. unless you're apotalado (loaded - as in money) and can pay your way to justicia. So why even bother?

Parent Teacher Organizations
In the case of most schools, school parent's organizations; those that are supposedly there to represent the parent's interests vs. the school, the persons chosen for this task are designated by the school! Candidates are picked (like in the PRI political party) by means of the famous dedazo, and qualifications include the ability to divulge only the information that the school deems appropriate, quash parental involvement in the running and organizing of school and extra-curricular activities, collect money from the parents for dubious 'projects' and 'trips' and so on.

Why do they even bother to call them Parent's Associations? These are more like paid off union bosses from Chicago in the 30's.

Painted Traffic Islands, Those Lines That Divide Lanes and Pedestrian Crosswalks
There is no logical reason to make the effort, take the time or spend the money to paint markings on the street that no-one is going to pay any attention to whatsoever. Traffic islands? Please. People drive over these without a second thought or even glance.

Those painted lines that divide the left lane from the right lane? These are being phased out already, since the Ayuntamiento or SPV or whoever has realized that no one actually uses these lines to stay in their lane; rather they are used by those Lincoln-driving, cellular-gabbing, curlers-in-their-hair-and-just going-to-the-super Colonia Mexico residents to center their vehicles. Note the Paseo de Montejo around Collection/Omega. There are no more visible lines and the race to the fountain really does seem like a little rally!

And what about painted pedestrian crosswalks? These are apparently invisible to the local eye as well; in order to make a crosswalk work in this good christian town (love thy neighbor, church on Sunday) real physical barriers must be placed directly in the path of the distracted, I'm-in-a-hurry and me-first-mentality conductores.

These barriers include:

In short, a lot of money spent on paint and the corresponding human effort could be saved by omitting these señalamientos in Merida's streets.

Handicapped Parking Spaces
Political correctness aside, handicapped parking is an integral part of living in a civilized society. That being the definition, it should come as no surprise that the few establishments that have attempted the implementation of this service in Merida have been rather unsuccessful in their efforts. Local drivers are simply not interested in consideration of their fellow man, regardless of how many masses they may profess to attending each week, and that lack of consideration has no mercy for a handicapped driver. The me-first I'm-in-a-hurry mentality applies here too. The most interesting observation on this phenomenon, from a social study standpoint, is the fact that the people that most frequently occupy handicapped parking are those folks who drive brand new expensive cars, have travelled and you should bloody well know better. They simply don't care.

Wheelchair Access
While we're on the subject of handicapped parking, wheelchair access comes to mind. If you've ever been to the Gran Plaza and wondered what that little ramp by the entrance off the 2nd floor parking lot is (next to the now defunct Mrs. Fields) you should know that this is someone's brilliant idea of how a wheelchair bound person can get into the mall. See for yourself! The grade is so steep that any injury suffered by the wheelchair user is bound to be exacerbated (look it up) if they should attempt to use this ramp, if it doesn't kill them outright. You have got to have the brain the size of a x'cuclin if you think that anybody in their right mind will use this thing! Oh, they'll tell you, it's not a wheelchair ramp; it's for bringing in merchandise for the shops. Which means that they even more stupid than we had originally thought - since this means that a)screw the wheelchair people, there's no access, we don't don't want cripples in our mall and b)their calculations were way off even for a guy bringing in merchandise - have you ever watched a Comercial Mexicana bagboy trying to slide down that ramp with a cartload of groceries? He usually ends up half-killing himself and anybody within a 10 foot radius as the cart screams down the ramp with the poor kid in tow. Useless.

Have YOU come across any
ABSOLUTELY USELESS STUFF
while visiting or living in this fine city? Let's have it! Send in your donation TODAY! Hallelujah!


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Original Copyright 1998. No unauthorized reproduction without the express in
writing authorization by the author or one of his two dogs Sorrullo and Pulgoso