June 20, 2000
Hello.
It’s hard to believe, but just a few years ago, I was building computers in the garage with my friends. We had to save for weeks on end to get enough to buy the parts that we needed. We spent entire weekends and vacations trying to figure out just how computers worked and how to make them better, all at the expense of our social lives. And now I rule the world.
It’s true. You may try to deny it, but face it, it was inevitable. Ever since I put those subliminal messages in Minesweeper, it was all over for the public. My earnings through Microsoft have totaled somewhere near the point in which I can buy God. So the fact that I would take over the world could not be avoided.
Unfortunately, my peons have started to rise against me, using technical jargon such as "monopolies," and "smothering," and "go home, you dork." This upsets me. I have tried to be a benevolent leader. I gave you Windows 98. I gave you FreeCell. I gave you free access to pornography. It was all for you. And what have you done? You unworthy crustaceans? You have tried to shut me down and take away my money.
Bill Gates doesn’t like that at all.
I have just issued a new plan for the future of my company. It will now be called: MicroHard. I played softball with you, and you revolted. Now it’s time for Bill to get down and dirty and play some hardcore, in-your-face, no-holds-barred, God-like ass kicking. Just to show you the power that I have over you, you will no longer be allowed to play Solitaire. Go ahead, try it. It won’t work. And do you know why? It’s because through Internet Explorer, I have gained access to all of your personal computers. I know everything about you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Second, just to show you that I’m not going to take anymore crap, I present China. Do you remember China? Yeah, well, I just bought it. That and all of Southeast Asia. It’s all mine now, buddy! Don’t mess with me! I’m dangerous!
I just thought that you, as carbon-based life-forms, should be told of this. You should all know that I will take over the world, and soon. Sooner than you think. I have seen the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and I gave them the fastest connection to the world wide web possible!
So, until the end arrives, keep on thinking that you control your own lives, that you are the only one that knows what web sites you visit, that you are different from anyone else, and that that smiley-face guy at the top of Minesweeper can’t see you. Just keep on thinking that, and you will be integrated into my new program with as little pain as possible. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Sincerely, William "Your Lord" Gates.
P.S. This is to Susie Larkins. Do you remember me? I sat behind you in 8th grade math class. I was the quiet one with the pocket protector and the big glasses. In fact, I think you ignored me totally. I just wanted to say that I had a crush on you for the longest time. And I … was just wondering … that if you weren’t busy sometime … that you could just …KISS MY ASS!! JUST GO ON AND KISS IT!!