"..why can't you look after yourself and not down on me, do you have to try to piss me off just 'cause i'm easy to please?"

   out of that whole cd, that particular line of that particular song always catches my ear no matter what i'm doing. i'm laughing for once.. and crying and shaking my head. i'd gotten tired and laid down upon my bed and of course all these thoughts rush into my head (no, *mind*, not head) as they always do when i'm not heavily preoccupied. so i was lying there, turning the events of the last week in my mind, and there was a sudden beautiful flash of remembrance - of truth.. in the every day course of life, a life i've concluded i'd like altered only slightly, i let myself forget what it is that i want and need and thrive upon. in the course of my every day life i let everyone else's thoughts become my own therefor smothering any real happiness i could have been searching for to an ultimate choking death.

   i'm 19 years old, female, high school graduate, quit college 9 months ago after 2 semesters, quit my 2nd ever dead-end job 2 weeks ago, currently unemployed and don't really care. your thoughts just smothered mine and i'd appreciate you wiping that smirk off your face. don't play games with me because i've figured you out. when my family asks me if i'm going back to school and i say no, their face contorts and their eyes glaze over with pity, and in the course of 2 seconds the pity from their eyes travels into mine and their thoughts have overtaken me. i wasn't supposed to do this, i was supposed to be the good kid, i always was - i was supposed to flourish and do the things my family ruined for themselves. i'm pathetic, and i've lost.

   those thoughts aren't mine, they're yours. i know what's important to me and it's not that i go through years of school that i hate to get a paper that says i've done my time and i can now be hired for a job i could already do. all i want to do is figure out who i am before i'm too old to care anymore and i won't find that in your schools or your churches or your neighborhood 'barbeques'. i'll find that by spending time with the only person who can hold the answers to my questions - me. if by doing this i become a poor degenerate in your eyes, so be it, it's what i've got to do. i'm a nice person or i try to be, i get depressed quite often and i think i've just discovered part of the reasons why, i'm not pathetic, i'm not a loser.. i'm just me.

        purely pessimistic,
           --dee

entry #8