i'm pondering... should i start out with nice things to say and then crush the dreams with the bad stuff, or should i start with the bad and try to soften the blow with a few nice words at the end? well, i'm in a pretty good mood so i think i'll start with the bad stuff and get it out of the way and not have such a tragic ending. ;)

   i'm suffering from an internal conflict as of late. actually, maybe "suffereing" isn't the right word because in no way am i depressed. :) i am, however, one minute: seeing how fake and pointless everyone and everything is, watching countless people everyday be just another idiot and letting their children become idiots because they know no better.. because this is the way things have been since they've been alive and it's the way things will stay because the world's majority are conformist idiots who were never taught to think for themselves on any subject whatsoever - hidden behind shadows created by government and society and ourselves... and i begin to wonder if i'm the only one who's real anymore.

   the next minute: i see the beauty in life; the earth - the wind, the trees, the grass, the water, the few people in my life that are genuinely beautiful. i recently watched the film American Beauty with someone that i love and i think it's quite a wonderful film. one of the characters films things that he finds beauty in, and he finds beauty in the most brilliant things.. the little things that only one in a million people would stop and pay attention to - a bag dancing in the wind. --- i really do think that if everyone would just take a few steps back to breathe, to leave all their baggage behind and just live life like you won't wake up tomorrow.. things would be different, things would be better. things are getting all fucked and twisted and contorted, we need more simplicity in our lives, we need more reminders that life isn't to be lived "in the fast lane." more truthfully we just need to stop and pay attention to all the reminders that we already *have*. go outside tonight at midnight or so, whenever it's dark out.. lie down in your front yard or anywhere that's clear and look at the sky, look at the darkness invaded by beautiful bright bursts of light, look at what phase the moon is in, look at what color it is - does it have a blueish haze tonight or does it have a yellowish glow? how often do you [people] even remember that the moon is there? the moon is a beautiful thing, it's dark but bright, its mysterious but it's been explored, it radiates the most beautiful light anyone could ask for on a night of any season. just take an hour out of your busy day and do something that you'll enjoy.. try to remember that life is supposed to be fun, not a job.

            purely pessimistic,
           --dee

entry #5