lost (adj.) : Unable to find one's way, Unable to function, act, or make progress, Spiritually or physically destroyed, Completely involved or absorbed.

   i'm shaking. i'm a nervous person, everything makes me nervous - but lately i'm shaking more than usual. i'm completely and utterly lost again after thinking i had started progressing down the path of self discovery. it's never-ending with me, i'm starting to think i'll never know where i am, won't be able to remember where i've been, and won't have the slightest clue where i'm going to go. i'm lost, in every sense of the word.

   i want to go away, far, far away, to some place i've never been - a place you've only ever seen in dreams. some place where the grass is always lustrous and green; the trees are always in bloom with leaves of green, yellow, orange, or golden brown; flowers of every color cascading on the hilltops; fields of green and shimmering with life; animals all around, animals you could only see in books and pictures before, sharing space with people, unafraid - everything rightfully equal. yes, a place i'll only ever see in my dreams.. and when i close my eyes i can see everything around me, and all that's unimportant fades away and disappears.. and for a second, everything that is important to me is right in front of my eyes and it's so clear.. the choices i should be making, and the paths i should be taking, my memory is sharp and i know everything.. and the tears have come. ~and she wept.~

   when i open my eyes i see nothing. i see the same things i see every day, the things that will give me everything but what i really need, and this is what confuses. you open your eyes and you're right back where you started, in a reality that's man-made and it's all wrong and everyone thinks it's so, so right. and it confuses you til you've forgotten what you saw again, and you don't know what to do, and you're all alone here. it's so hard to make it back to that realization that was once so clear in your mind, the realization that reality wears thin, the realization that you try so hard to unravel and set free. confusion causes and is caused by conflicts within yourself.. a mind and a heart sometimes go hand in hand and work together to make a person beautiful, but sometimes the brain tricks the mind and together they conspire against the heart. life entangles itself with the three and you are then separated and unsure of which way to go. the mind is abstract and sometimes acts as a referee between the brain and the heart. the brain is merely a storage unit for information, it gives and receives on command but you yourself choose indefinitely. the heart is a center, it gives you life, pumping it throughout your body, and if you listen to it it will tell you truths.

   soul searching. digging deep within yourself to find out who you really are and what you really want. this is the simplest yet also the hardest solution to finding yourself. you dig deep and start finding things you'd pushed away because they were too hard to deal with and they haunt you, and you dig deeper to find lies that have turned your life upside down and inside out, and even deeper you find the pieces of yourself shattered, torn, ripped apart by people and things that have happened to you.. and finally, you come to the truths.. and you're so shaken and weary already you're not sure if you can go on. you may find your answers, but what if those answers are so far from everything you've come to know? and is that really such a bad thing? and some of those truths may be the dark truths about yourself that you don't know if you can live with, they're always there but you've burried them so far you make yourself forget.. and you're scared. but if life is already so mixed up that you've come this far you may as well go on with it, because if you find what you're looking for, you're free.

        purely pessimistic,
           --dee

entry #6