you can't see my beauty because you only look at my face, and the judging begins, and you never think. you never ever take the time to think things through, everything else takes over and that's the end. no thought, no care, no me - you never saw who i really was and you never cared but you'll pay. everything you do comes back to you threefold.. i've been led, no, practically forced to believe this by events in my life and you'll see. do my face and skin and arms and legs change who i am, who i've come to be? i am the person that you don't know but you hate. you take one look at me and think you know my everything but you know nothing. how could you possibly know what i hold inside when you linger on the outside? you don't, and fuck you for thinking you do. all these things are factors leading to my insanity - i don't open up to you [people] because i know you don't really care. you feign your concern, as long as you pretend you can't be the asshole, right? ~she's naive, she'll believe it, and i'll be the shining star once again!~ i'll stay hidden in my shell and you'll never know me and you won't care until you have no one left to fuck. i breathe for love in a world of hate and i'm dying. you'll miss me, you will. a soul that you never knew, a soul that only wanted to let you in and wanted to shine but you only wanted to make it suffer and burn out. you'll be the burn-out, when you're old and gray and take a second out of admiring yourself to really examine your life before you die and you see the truth, you lived for years on fake hopes and fake dreams and fake happiness. i'll be long gone and in the ground but i'll be laughing at you, and that will be the last thing you hear before your body gives up on you just as i did. this makes me ecstatic.

   with that all said and done, you know that i've given up on you, and i don't care anymore because you're not worth what i would put myself through and what i've already put myself through. i want you to see just what you're going to miss out on because all you could ever do was open up your eyes and not your mind. here it begins, the disappointment, the hatred, the fear, the lonliness, the evil, and finally the emptiness starts to creep in. it seeps into you as you read and you go white, yes, a whiter shade of pale, and your face twists and contorts, and you're so empty now that you can't even cry, no release, how does that feel? live with it, forever. it's your own fault and you'll learn your lesson now, and maybe you'll change and maybe you won't but either way you'll never have me or see me or feel me or really truly know me. ever. but as promised i want to give you a small taste of me, a flash of what's inside of me. i want you to take a look at my soul. i am dark and soft. i am beautiful, and i know that now no thanks to you. i would've emptied myself and given you my everything for just one second of feeling loved, and that feeling would've filled me up again. it's so easy to please me, i'm not difficult, i could live on simple acts of kindness alone. i breathe for love in a world full of hate. i'm dying. you've killed what i had inside.

   wow, believe it or not this was going to be a rather happy entry but i'd decided i'd add a bit of bitterness and it just came pouring out. i was actually going to write about *just* my inner beauty but i ended up bitching out society.. ah well :) society deserves it. good night.

        purely pessimistic,
           --dee

entry #4