i'll warn you now, 8 times out of 10 i start things that i really do intend to finish or follow through with but wind up quitting half way through, or when things get tough. over the years i've bought lots of journals and diaries and i'll write for a week maybe.. then maybe stop a month or two and write another week. i don't know why i can't do it - my mind wanders (constantly), too lazy? maybe; not enough time? i've got all the time in the world really. i figure though, i spend quite a lot of time on the computer, and i type a hell of a lot faster than i write, so maybe i'll keep this up. i just hope someone actually reads this.. maybe i could actually get inside someone, imagine that! or maybe you'll get inside of me, which is rather unnerving to say the least (i hardly ever let people see the real me.. not the Real me). if i don't want people to know me.. why even write this and publish it on the www? well, i've got problems - mental, emotional, i need a release. writing has always been my release, only normally it's through poetry, but lately i just can't write decent poems.

   writing is my passion, at least i think it is. sometimes i don't know what my passion is anymore, sometimes i don't care, many times though i don't even have passion enough for anything to even want to live. this, however, is a digression for later - back to writing. the written word has been an important source of temporary sanity for me for quite some time now. if my life gets to be a little too much to handle i can disappear in a book, read about someone else having the same problems, or worse problems.. that always proves to make me feel better for at least a while. poetry - the beauty in each word, the way they all seem to fit together so perfectly, the way the same view or object can be expressed by many people yet in so many different words and ways, the way the words flow so easily through my mind; sets my mind at ease like a soft, comforting stroke to my arm after a nightmare. i want to be the person to write such powerful words, to reach someone in a time of need, to comfort someone after the nightmares life throws at us, to let them know that at least one person understands and cares. and then there's music - lyrics. sometimes good music is the only glue keeping me from falling apart.

   for quite some time now my mind has been filled with thoughts, constant thoughts, on every subject you could possibly think of. one tiny thing sends my brain into all different directions, i could start with one thing and suddenly end with something entirely different. maybe it's decided to finally kick in and make up for all the time that it stayed dormant when i was a kid, believing and trusting in adults because they are "older, therefore wiser", looking at the world with innocent eyes, no sense of time, nothing unpure.. who knows. all i know is you are the lucky few who may feast upon the fruits of my insanity. grin.

   i think i'm going to end this here for tonight, i don't want to scare you away too early.

        purely pessimistic,
           --dee

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