this song, "Do Ya Know", rather describes how i've been feeling lately. i can't say that i really know who i am and what i want anymore. the last.. hmm.. well, close to a year, has been the most confusing time of my life. it's almost like i'm "finding myself" yet in the process i've lost myself completely, i don't even make sense to myself anymore. the confusion was initiated by myself, small things at first, a change in the look and style of my webpage (which, if you'd seen my last webpage, is a very big change), a major change in the look of my room (i practially live in my room, its like my own lil apartment), i've started liking food i never liked before and hating food i've always liked (i can't bare to eat meat anymore, the only meat i can make myself eat is chicken and turkey - poor animals...) anyway, i think i started losing my direction there for a minute - i'm almost a completely different person, i look the same and have the same personality but my views and habits i guess you'd say are all screwed. everything is for the better though, except my loss of sanity. a slight insanity never hurt anyone, but when you literally start feeling like you belong locked up somewhere, that's when you've gotten bad.

   my better changes were, for the most part, influenced by a friend, an inspiration. :) a reminder. talking to him has awoken the part of me that i'd lost somewhere between age 13 or so and 18. high school really does change a person, and not for the better - it steals away an innocence and replaces it with a preconception. innocence is something true, something you're born with, yet it's something they blot out so easily - preconception, deception.. you get reeled in, in most cases it's never shaken, innocence lost forever. am i being harsh? no. i left high school living in a dream world where everyone is supposed go off to college and have fun and get good jobs, only to be broken by reality. (see that? preconception.) all throughout high school teachers preach about it being their job, the school's job, to prepare us for college and for the real world.. so what happened? what happened to that promise? more comforting words to keep us in the game, to be processed, to be mechanical animals.

   you know, sometimes i feel like we're all just little ants in an ant farm. one huge ant farm owned by the government(s). just when you think you've made a nice home, a nice life for yourself and your family, the government comes along and reminds you just how much you *belong* to them, just how much your life will never *really* be your own. the only way out would be to disappear, which is next to impossible. so, really, the only way out is death; ah, sweet death. wrong, again. death is really more bittersweet than sweet, do you think the government will be saddened, changed, hurt by your death? another little ant out of the way, one less statistic in our over-populated farm. so now here you are, a lifeless corpse, free of the worries and torment of the every day life we've accumulated for ourselves over the years.. government throwing a little party at your expense, your loved ones grieving the loss of a wonderful person, your name chiselled in stone as a mentally unstable person who committed a sin. so they say a little prayer over your corpse.. and eat you, to get you the hell out of the way.

        purely pessimistic,
           --dee

entry #2