How To Become Pope In Three Days
Original Idea- Andy King
So you’re sitting there on your
couch or chair or Chinese torture rack thinking to yourself, “Hmmm, I wish I
wasn’t such a loser.” So you decide to turn the TV on in hopes of seeing bigger
losers than yourself to make you feel better. *Click* *Click* *Click* What’s
this? “Warning! This material might be
unsuitable for children. Are you tired of the same old beaches with the same
old girls willing to take off their clothes for the camera?” *Click* “Hi I‘m Lee
Sahore, today in downtown Citiesville, a man was arrested for raping four goats
while forcing a flock of seagulls to watch him” *Click* “Today in world news
the Pope visited Ethiopia. The trip was cut short, unfortunately, after a group
of starving Ethiopian children mistook the Pope for a giant raisin.” As you sit
there and mumble to yourself about what a miserable failure you are compared to
the Pope an idea hits you....What exactly makes the Pope so great anyway? It’s
not like he was elected or anything. That means that anyone could be Pope.
That’s right, even you, douche bag. “Well, how on Earth do I get started?” The
answer is simple...you don’t get started on Earth at all, you get started in
your own happy place. Soon your happy thoughts will give a rising sensation
throughout your body and....oh wait, The Pope. That’s another story. Your
journey to becoming Pope does, in fact, start on Earth. It’s a lot easier than
you would think.
Day 1: (Note: A
Passport is required)
Step Number One:
Use your passport and fly to Italy. Preferably in a plane.
Step Number
Two: Buy some Italian food or a Handgun. Either one will do.
Step Number
Three: Use your passport to enter Vatican City.
Step Number
Four: Join the local homeless on the street for the night and rest.
Day
2:
Step Number
One: Go to the Pope’s house and offer the guards whichever item you bought on
arrival. Italians can’t resist a good plate of spaghetti and meatballs or a
nice shiny handgun. At least that’s what TV has told me.
Step Number
Two: Find the Pope and scream in his face. Really, do anything you can to make
him have a heart attack. He’s old, shouldn’t be too hard. Make sure it’s a
heart attack or some other semi-natural
cause of death, he is Pope after all.
Step Number
Three: Steal his hat. This is by far the most crucial step of the
process.
Step Number
Four: Send the Pope’s body to Ethiopia to dispose of the evidence
Step Number
Five: Hang out in the Pope’s bedroom for the night and get some rest.
Day 3:
Step Number
One: After you wake up, practice thid phrase over and over. “Salvete, petaso
ad spectate” First of all, this is Latin. Everyone will think you’re the Pope
if you speak Latin. Second of all, this means “Hey, look at the hat” An easy
phrase to say, but since no one speaks Latin they wont be able to tell what
you’re saying.
Step Number
Two: Step out on the balcony of your house and yell your newly learned Latin
phrase at a large gathering of people. After this, put both hands up in the air
and wave.
Step Number
Three: Take a ride in the Pope Mobile. This isn’t important, just fun.
So now you’re Pope instead of a real
big loser. Well, actually, you’re still a real big loser. At least you have a
cool hat though. This is when I would take the initiative to make a few changes
to the church, but that’s for another article....
