Time
Travel
Have you ever thought about microwaves? i
mean really thought about them. In a way, they’re kind of like TVs. After all,
they’re the same shape, you can look in them, they make people get fat, and
they have buttons. The buttons are they main similarity, at least, the
similarity I’m going to focus on. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why. I couldn’t
think of a way to begin talking about time travel so I’m going to pretend that
this is an introduction to it and pick up in the middle.
Now that you have your time machine and
you’ve gotten rid of that nasty rash you can begin to explore the fourth
dimension. There are many many possibilities you could explore. Some of the
more popular ones are going back in time and placing a bet on an upset sports victory,
investing in Microsoft, killing Hitler, and having sex with a really old lady
while she was still really hot so you can gross out your friends later by
saying “Yeah, I hit that piece.” You may have noticed that all of these things
deal with traveling to the past. This is because you never, EVER, under any
circumstances want to go to the future. Trust me. Everyone in the future
already has their own time machines. They’re a hell of a lot cooler than your
time machine, and you’ll just be laughed at. Its not a pretty place to be.
So we’ve established that the past is fair
game. Do whatever you want. Oh wait, one thing to remember....time travel isn’t
possible. Bare with me on this. If time travel was possible, why hasn’t anyone
from the future ever showed up? Am I right? If someone invented a time machine
in the future....any time in the future....and then actually USED the time
machine, why haven’t we seen anyone from the future. After all, we’re exactly
where they would visit, the past. It’s weird to think about it that way but
it’s true. “We are the future” bullshit, we’re the past. The future is the
people that have never shown up because time travel isn’t possible. You’re
probably sitting there going “Wow, why hasn‘t anyone else thought of that?” I’ll
tell you why.....actually, no I won’t. But i will tell you why you reading this
article was a complete waste of time. Time travel isn’t possible because it
creates matter. Take the ore from the mountain, make it into metal, take the
metal and build a time machine, go into the past with the time machine. You
have now created matter. How? The metal from the time machine from the ore from
the mountain is in existence in two places: The Time Machine and The Mountain.
It’s in the mountain because you haven’t taken it from there yet. You’re in the
past. Now that that is done with, try this one. Get your time machine and go
into the future. You’ve created matter once again. There are now two of the
time machines you built existing at the same time. The one you’re in and the
one that you built in the present (the present not being where you are, since
where you are is in the future). Yeah, stupid Albert Einstein and his crackpot
“laws of relativity”. Don’t you hate when some brainiac ruins all of your
brilliant epiphany?