Raptor is seen lying asleep on a couch
in Hobo’s mansion. As he wakes, he groans, and just lies there, groggy. Slowly
he gets up and looks around. It is broad daylight, and there is a pool of
garbage and junk after last night’s party. He wriggles his jaw, moaning, and
Hobo enters from another room.
Hobo: Man, you’re awake!! He cut off your air
supply for well over 2 minutes, then socked you one right in the jaw… Nasty.
But eh, I’ve heard all the stories about Phantom… Wasabi is a chatty fellow. (He looks around) It’s pretty filthy in here isn’t it?
Raptor: Dude… Who are you?
Hobo: Man, he must of hit you hard… Im the
fantastic, all important, totally loaded Hobo!!! We met last night!
Raptor: You’re THE hobo??? Pleasure to meet you
Hobo: Ahh yeah well, I’d still be a Hobo were it
not for Wasabi…
Raptor: Yeah well he seems pretty cool. A
little weird though… Wait a sec… Aren’t you still a ho--
Hobo: I don’t know how Rachel can put up with it!
But, whatta ya gonna do? Listen man, can you do me a favor?
Raptor: Ummm.. Okay…. If that’s what you want…
What is it?
Hobo: Can you stand up quickly, I think you’re
lying on top of my cousin
(Raptor stands up and there we see,
indented into the couch, a hobo, squashed into the leather couch.. He squeezes
out from between the cushions and rambles on, screaming in Raptors face…)
Raptor: Sorry… If I’d had a little more
consciousness last night I could of avoided it…
Hobo: its not that big a deal, he’s constantly
drunk (he does that to avoid hangovers) and he probably didn’t feel anything..
You’ve got other things to worry about right? Say a psychopathic swamp freak
and an egotistical rock headed moron!
Raptor: What??? Phantom and Wasabi? What do I
have to worry about Wasabi for?
Raptor: Its Timmay dude. Yeah well, he knows
what’s coming for him… He’s got a big mouth. And nobody cares abo….
Hobo: Well, “The man, the munchkin, the echidna”
is goin down this Saturday!
Raptor: Hell yeah!! (they high five) Hey I’m just gonna go back to my
apartment to get some stuff, I’ll see you at the arena?
Hobo: Nah man! I’ve got a party to run tonight!!!
I have parties every night you see… But don’t worry, I’ll be rooting for you
from here! “the hardcore nun” is going to get it tonight, I can feel it!
(Raptor walks out, and hops in to his
convertible. What he doesn’t realize, is that the Jessica chick from last night
is asleep in his back seat)
Jessica: Whoa!!! Where the hell? Hey! You’re
that raptor guy!!!
Raptor: Yeah, good to see you’re awake!
Jessica: Good to see last night wasn’t a one
night stand….
Raptor: Huh? We didn’t???
Jessica: Oh yes we did… I’ll have to ring my
parents you know, so you can meet them, and so I can let them know I’m moving
in with you.
Raptor: What?! Moving In!? I never said—
Jessica: I’ll have to get my pet hamster, my pet
cobra, oh, and I can’t forget my llama… His name is Luigi.
Raptor (confused and slightly disturbed): Maybe you should get out now…
Jessica: Nah, no way! I’m gonna give you some
tips on Timmay… He’s my ex you know, I’ve got the dirt on him…
Raptor: No way!!! I don’t believe you… Prove
it…
Jessica: Well, first of all, he sleeps with a
teddy bear named Edgar… Also, he used to be a regular at these Hobo parties,
but Hobo kicked him out because he got caught playing “soggy biscuit” with
himself
Raptor: Awww…YUCK!!!! I didn’t need to know
that!
Jessica: Yeah well, that’s just the start of it…
His mum isn’t a crazy drunk like he says, but his mum is actually a
hermaphrodite, and thus, “Hardcore Timmay” as he calls himself, is actually
“Inbred Timmay”
Raptor: Eww….. Yuck! That’s really disgusting.
Is there anything about this guy that isn’t fucked up?
Jessica: Well, he named himself “Hardcore
Timmay” because he used to be a porn star.
The only reason he isn’t still in those movies is because his agent went
bust, and “Hardcore Timmay” decided that the name “hardcore” also worked for
wrestling… That’s the only reason he wrestles… In the hopes he can raise enough
money to once again be the nudist within.
Now come
inside, I wanna see my new house. Its time I told you the REALLY disgusting
things about Timmay…
(Raptor and Jessica walk into the
apartment, and sit down, talking over a hot cup of coffee)
Raptor: Why did you even go out with him if
he’s that screwed up?
Jessica: Well, I dumped him after ½ an hour.
Listen; his weakness is not is “ego” because that’s just a front. Really, he’s
just an insecure little boy. A sick, twisted freak of one, but still, an
insecure little boy
Raptor: Cool. Actually, I think I feel a promo
coming on. Wanna grab the handycam?
Jessica: Sure thing, but only if you promise we
can have a good (censored)
afterwards
Raptor: No prob, just as long as you promise
you never, ever did anything that would exchange bodily fluids with Timmay..
Jessica: No way!! Do you think I WANT genital
herpes? I didn’t even touch the guy!
Raptor: Cool, lets roll! (she grabs the camera and turns it on)
So the truth
is revealed Hardcore Timmay. I now know why you have to resort to your “ego”.
It’s a front. The true “you” hides behind your “ego” The true Timmay. The
Timmay that is a sad, twisted, confused little sicko, who likes eating
biscuits. And on them, his own-- on second thoughts, forget that last sentence.
I look forward
to beating you down Timmay. I look forward to showing you that I am not just
some rookie. You may think I’m out of your league, and that’s fine. Why would
anyone want to be in your league? If you beat An Arkie, It would be an Upset.
And you say you’re wasting your so-called “talent” on me? Gimme a break! What
talent? This Saturday, get ready, the Raptor is on the Rampage. Hope you are
getting prepared, getting pumped as much as I am. Its going to be an awesome match.
Don’t let me down Timmay, I don’t want Saturday to be boring.
Jessica: Nice! Okay that’s good. (she stops the camera) I’ll send this in to the EMF for
screening, and I’ll send one to Timmay for good measure. Now, lets go!!!
Yipee!!!
(they run into the bedroom, laughing,
slamming the door behind them)