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Raptor’s theme music: |
Holy
shit. It’s been a while, ain’t it? Raptor feels like he’s coming into a new EMF…
So many impossible happenings have somehow happened- New rookies in the EMF…
WOW! Jarred as the champion? You’ve gotta be joking! Ha… ha…
You’re
not joking?
How
the fuck did that happen? Wait… I know how it happened. And I want to fix it,
soon. But, first, I got some business to deal with. Primetime and Badd Boy. Two
foes that Raptor knows extremely well. And after the Phalanx defends their Tag
Titles successfully, who knows what could be in store for Raptor?
And
after Prez Mike’s little speech about Wasabi holding Raptor back, he must have
a lot on his mind.
Is
Wasabi holding Raptor back? Is Raptor still in the hunt for the world title?
Why does he wear those crazy purple pants? Lets find out in everybody’s
favorite pass time- A Raptor Promo!!!!! *3 separate people clap, while no one
else cares*
Our
scene opens with Raptor in a dimly lit church. He kneels on the ground before
the altar, his hands clasped together, mumbling something off slowly.
Raptor: Dear god… Why won’t you
let me beat Primetime? Why? Is it something I said? I’m sorry! Well, this
shockwave, I have to face him and Badd Boy… and please god…
SMITE THEM! Use lighting and zap them, cripple
them, make them get washed away by a tidal wave, I don’t care… just SMITE THEM
PLEASE!
Father Holywater: *Approaching
Raptor slowly* My son… You
can’t ask that of our lord…
Raptor: Forgive me father,
for I have sinned… But can you blame me? This guy… We’ll just call him Mr. Primetime.
I can’t beat him. I’ve faced him like 20 million times… It’s impossible! I’ve
only ever gotten further than him in 1 match, and I STILL didn’t win that
match… It’s like some curse or something!
Father Holywater: Why
do you think that is, my son?
Raptor: *mumbling*
Because Mike loves Primetime.
Father Holywater: Huh?
Raptor: Nothing.
Father Holywater: Well,
there’s no use complaining about it. What are you going to do about it?
Raptor: Train really hard and
think strategy?
Father Holywater: OH,
GODDAMN IT! I was hoping for another one of those wacky Raptor adventures.
Raptor: Well, I could always
bomb him, that seems to always be George W. Bush’s way of fixing everything.
Father Holywater: Well…
that seems a little… fatal. Go home my son, it is late. Sleep on it. I’m sure
you’ll think of something.
Raptor
walks out of the church, dejected at the fact that god can’t smite Primetime,
and Father Holywater can’t come up with any good ideas. He pulls up in his
convertible in front of his house, opens the door, and walks up to his room. He
lays down to sleep, still vexed and disturbed by the fact he just can’t beat
Primetime… He slowly fades away into the land of sleep… Many thoughts swirl
through his head… Irrelevant thoughts… Hobo telling Raptor he needs a loan…
Wasabi telling Raptor he’s gay… King telling Raptor he needs to “Cheat to win”…
Raptor pulling his pants down and…
Raptor: *Waking
up* CHEAT TO WIN!?
He
jumps up out of his bed, and runs downstairs, while still putting his shirt on.
As he runs out the door, he passes Toby, who has 2 chicks under each arm,
laughing…
Toby: Oh! Hi Dad! I swear,
it’s not what it looks….
Raptor: *not
paying attention* That’s nice,
gotta go! BYE!
He
jumps in his convertible and speeds off. Later, he arrives at “Weapons ‘R’ Us”
and finds it open! Thank god for those 24/7 weapons stores. He pulls up in his
convertible and hops out, and walks into the store. There, an attendant is
asleep, hugging his shotgun on the counter. Raptor walks over to him…
Raptor: Hello? Sir?
Attendant: HUH!?
*Accidentaly pulls the trigger and blows a hole
in the roof* What!? Oh! A customer. Hello, may I
help you?
Raptor: Hi, I’m hoping to
cheat in a title match this Saturday, I was hoping if you could help me?
Attendant: Yes SIR!
*Walks out from behind the counter, taking
Raptor to the shelves* Well,
we have many knives we can conceal in your tights, pants, whatever you wear…
Raptor: Um…. I was hoping for
something… a little less lethal….
Attendant: Less… Lethal?
Are you CRAZY!? We don’t stock non-lethal weapons here! Get OUT!
The
attendant points the shotgun at him, and Raptor runs like hell out of the shop.
He walks up to his convertable, speaking to himself…
Raptor: How am I going to
cheat now!? That’s the only weapons store open at this hour!!!!
Voice: PSSSTT! You want to
cheat?!
Raptor: *Looking
around* Who said that?!
Voice: PSST! Over HERE!
Raptor
looks around, and spots behind the store, in a dark alleyway, a dark figure…the
moon is high, and distant sirens can be heard. Steam rises from the wet
pavement, and Raptor slowly walks up to the man in the alleyway, to find it’s…
Nathan Johns: Hey Mate! You
wanna cheat? I got your edge over your opponents right here!
Raptor: Huh?
Nathan Johns: See this stuff
in my hands? Human growth hormone…
Raptor: STEROIDS?! No WAY! I
don’t want MAN-TITS!
Nathan Johns: Oh… well can I
interest you in some milk then?
Voice: Hey Jones! Get your
ass out of there!
Other Voice: You know that WE
run the steroid racket in THIS TOWN!
Nathan
Jones scarpers off as a gunshot is fired at his feet… and up come two big,
hulky men… Oh, I knew they were on steroids… but SELLING THEM?
Scott Stoner: Hey
man… we got your REAL premium growth hormone here!
Quadripper H: Check this shit
out!
Raptor: NO! I’M NOT TAKING
STEROIDS!!!!!
Scott Stoner: Come
on, Quadripper… Let’s go then. We’re not wanted.
Quadripper H: Okay Scott, but
before we go… Raptor, I heard you were being held down… You wanna know the
secret to breaking past being held down?
He
leans in closely and whispers something to Raptor…
Raptor: *Disgusted*
I’m NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH PREZ MIKE!!! You guys are SICK
FREAKS!
He
runs off, jumps in his car, and drives away…
Raptor: I’m never going to be able to cheat and beat Primetime…
Well what the hell am I supposed to do now?
Couch: You could always promo!!!!
Raptor
spins around to see Couch sitting in the back seat of the car!
Raptor: How the HELL did you
get back there?
Couch: Well, to cut a long
story short… I’ve been trying to get an interview ever since you came back, but
I just couldn’t find you. But it doesn’t matter, because HERE I AM!
Raptor: GRR… Fine, where do
you want to do this?
Couch: Ahh just pull up here
and it should be fine.
Raptor pulls up and they hop out, and Couch and his camera man hop out and begin interviewing Raptor…
Couch: Welcome back to the EMF,
Raptor! How does it feel?
Raptor: Different, and I was
only gone for a month! Look how many new guys we’ve got! Intruder, Barbwire
Chris, The Ripper… It feels like a different place. But maybe that’s because I went
insane and was put on heavy tranquilizers.
Couch: For many of the rookies,
this is probably their first Raptor interview.
Raptor: They’d better get
used to it… I’ve done hundreds of interviews, I’m gonna do hundreds more.
Couch: Onto the match at hand…
How do you feel about this match at Saturday Shockwave?
Raptor: Finally hoping to
hand Primetime his own ass on a silver platter… Like every other match I’m in
with him… Whether that happens again or not depends on the night. But you’ll
see a replenished, refreshed, Raptor, back, better than ever, ready to hang
with the best of them again. And I’m going for that world title as soon as
possible, because it taints that belt that Jarred holds it. But first things
first. Primetime and Badd Boy, the masters of talking for over half an hour
without taking a breath, rambling on about jack-shit and about as entertaining
as it. Two competitors the wWo has faced many a time. We’ll be ready for them tomorrow
night. I’ll guarantee you that.
Couch: Have you got a strategy
to help you?
Raptor: Well, we could always
isolate Badd Boy and not let Primetime tag in… But that’s not my style. As
usual, I’m gonna be doing things face to face, man to man with Primetime. You
know I’ve never beaten Primetime… Not once. And it pisses me off… Then again,
his tag partner Badd Boy, well… I’ve beaten him every match I’ve had with him.
So I guess we go from one extreme to the other. It should be interesting to see
which one we pin. You see, their not really a proper tag team… How many times
have you seen Badd Boy and Primetime together? Once? Twice? As far as I recall,
Badd Boy has run in to a total of ONE(1) match to help Primetime. That’s not a
whole lot. They don’t often work together, they don’t often see each other.
They don’t have the ring chemistry that Wasabi and I have. They don’t have the
tag team tactics that Wasabi and I have. Wasabi and I have known each other for
over a year, even though it seems like I’ve known him since year 2. We can
anticipate what the other is thinking, whether we wanna hit a double team, we
want a tag, ect. We know it, we don’t need it said. We can operate quickly,
without word, knowing what the other wants to do. Do Primetime and Badd Boy
have the same silent communication? Do they have the same companionship and tag
team stamina? I don’t think so. The only decent talent Badd Boy and Primetime
have is killing off small children with their INSANELY boring rants.
Couch: Aight… Well, you’ve held
the tag titles for nearly 3 months now… Aren’t you glad you’re defending them?
Raptor: Yeah, this is the second
defense we’ve had so far, I believe… Of course the other Defense was against
the Dark Circle, Jarred and Rob Steelheart. So if anybody else out there wants
to challenge us for them, damn well go right ahead, because I wanna prove that we
deserve them. That’s what we’re going to do on Saturday, by taking on the EMF’s
two biggest hurdles (and bores). We’re going to show the world that we still
deserve this gold we hold.
Couch: And as you always say
when you face Primetime, you wanna show the world you CAN beat him?
Raptor: Yep.
Couch: You mentioned just
before your Tag Team title defense against Jarred and Rob Steelheart- The Dark Circle.
What do you say to Rob Steelheart’s offer to you?
Raptor: Offer? To me? Huh?
Couch: Rob Steelheart asked you to stop being held
down by Wasabi and help him complete the Dark Circle.
Raptor jumps into his car quickly and speeds off, leaving couch and his cameraman staring at the cloud of dust he left behind, as the promo fades to black
The EMF’s most unstable
stable…