Upcoming Match |
Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held |
Record |
Primetime vs Raptor |
The wWo, Good ol’ grandpa, nurse, Mr. Teeny |
Primetime
|
Extreme Title (1) |
5-1-0 |
Our scene opens outside a Nursing Home.
Many old people are walking round the gardens, in walking frames and with
walking sticks. One looks at the camera, and her eyes glow red as she whispers,
“I am the sniper!!!” and walks off. Soon, a limo pulls up and out hop the wWo.
Each member of the wWo is holding a present, brightly wrapped with big bows on
them. Then, out of the car jumps a monkey!
Raptor: No
Mr. Teeny! No! Bad Monkey! I told you to stay home!
Mr. Teeny: Ooh
ooh ahh grr ahh oof.
Hobo: He just
said “fuck off, you extinct bastard”
Raptor: Thanks,
Hobo, I think I know what he said… I did the Monkeytalk 101 class with you,
remember?
Mr. Teeny: Orr
ahh gee ooh faa!
Hobo: Ok
smarty pants, what did he just say?
Raptor: I
like your purple pants???? *all
of the wWo giggle*
Hobo: No, he
said “Doesn’t matter if you took any dumb class, you’re still a fucking
retard!”
Raptor: *Aghast* Mr. Teeny! How could you?!
Mr. Teeny: Oaaa
Grr Ahh Oooh maa…
Mr. Teeny and Hobo both crack up laughing
as Raptor and the rest of the wWo look on confused. Soon the monkey and Hobo
high five each other and walk off.
Raptor: What’s
up with those two? Usually they’re the friendliest guys on earth!
Wasabi: Oh
they’re just excited and a little nervous about the big plan…
Rachel: Still
doesn’t give them an excuse to tease you… I’m going to give them a piece of my
mind…
Wasabi: Oh
well, I suppose we should go visit him.
Edge: Dude,
do we have to?
Christian: Yeah,
he keeps saying I have a small penis!
Edge: Dude,
you do have a small penis!
Christian: Shut
up!!! At least I’m bigger than Mr. Teeny…
Edge: Aww
come on Christian, everyone is bigger than him… Why do you think he’s called
Mr. Teeny?
They walk into the building, and an old
grandma mugs Christian and steals his handbag. They get inside, and walk up to
the front desk
Christian: Oh
man! That had my purse in it and everything! That bag held my life…
He holds back the tears, but soon breaks
down and runs off to the toilets to clean up his makeup. Wasabi talks to the
remainders of the wWo, Raptor and Edge
Wasabi: OK…
Ok… I see there is a bit of friction here. Everyone is getting upset… But it’s
all right. You know this plan will go down great, and it’s going to put the wWo
on the map!
Raptor: Damn
Straight!
Suddenly a voice yells “get in there now
you two!” and in walk Hobo and Mr. Teeny. They have their heads hung low in
shame, big guilty puppy dog eyes, and they whimper as Rachel forces them in.
She has also made them wear big pink bows around their heads, and Mr. Teeny is
holding a banana.
Rachel: Aren’t
they gorgeous? I took some photos, just for future blackmailing. But anyway,
say it, right now you two…
Hobo and Mr. Teeny: *as if they had recited it a thousand times* We’re sorry Raptor, we didn’t mean to hurt
your feelings…
Raptor: Wait
a sec… When did Mr. Teeny learn to speak English?
Mr. Teeny: *He puts
on a monocle, pulls out a tobacco pipe and lights it, and says in a pompous
British accent:* Oh you humans are so relumptickle. I
cannot believe your pomstrosity and vulgarity! It’s deploreable and bedoreable!
I cannot take it any more!
He runs away humming “Mozart’s fifth
symphony in C major” to himself, but stops on the way to fight a senior citizen
for a banana, American gladiators style.
Wasabi: Okay,
we’ve really got to visit him now…
+ Nurse Screwyourpatients +: *seductively* Hi there big boys… Do you want a sponge bath?
Wasabi: No,
we’re here to see HIM…
+ Nurse Screwyourpatients +: *aghast and scared* Oh sweet Jesus! Yes sir… I’ll just get the
keys to his cell… Come this way to the elevator..
They walk for a bit. As they do, we hear
what each wWo member is thinking.
What raptor is thinking: Do my purple pants really look that gay?
What Wasabi is thinking: Hey… Check out her ass! Woah… I’d love to get in her
pants…
What Rachel is thinking: If he stares at her ass one more time I’m going to hit him
over the head with a used bedpan.
What Christian is Thinking: I’m NOT THAT SMALL… I’M not! I’m huge! Gigantuan! Mass-
His thoughts are interrupted by Wasabi
being hit over the head with a bedpan full of senior citizen’s urine. He Falls
to the ground, and the others jump in the locked secure elevator and go up to
the captivity floor. They walk in the room, and a figure is seen, staring out
the window. He starts talking solemnly in a deep voice…
Figure: I
thought you were coming… I’ve been waiting a long time… *evil laugh, and he starts talking really
fast as he turns around again. He drops the deep voice crap, and uses his old decrepit
attention seeking voice again, inserting some fake coughs for effect* You stupid bastard Brontosaurus! Where
the hell have you been, I haven’t seen you since your “hobo tough enough”
promos… Stupid tyrannosaurus.
Raptor: Come
on grandpa… Look, I’m really sorry grandpa, but we bought you some
presents, look!
He opens the presents to find some
toe-nail clippings, one of Mr. Teeny’s furballs, a pile of used golf balls and
a card saying “Happy 10th Birthday, Bodger!”
Good ol’ Grandpa: You bastards!!! *he throws the presents out the window* Those are the presents I gave you fore
your 10th birthday Clatimasaurus! You little chode! And look at your
gay purple pants… Jeesus, anybody could think you’re Chris Jericho!
Raptor: Stop
it Grandpa! Leave me alone! I just came for some advice! Okay?!
Good ol’ Grandpa: Yeah what bodgersaurus?
Raptor: What
should I do when I wrestle an old person? Like, really old… Someone that’s way
past their prime?
Good ol’ Grandpa: Okay, A: Go for the joints- Arthritis, you know? B: Go for the
hair- you get very protective of what little you’ve still got. And if all else
fails, go for the bladder- if someone pisses their pants, their gonna get a
little distracted from the fight, to say the least!
Raptor: Yeah,
I know how to hurt them, but I wanna know how to get to them mentally!
Good ol’ Grandpa: I’m not going to tell you… I will if you get me some mustard
though!
Rachel: Sorry,
we can’t- Not enough time…
Good ol’ Grandpa: GET ME SOME MUSTARD OR I’LL HIT YOU WITH MY BOMMIE
KNOCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They all run, really creeped out by Good
ol’ Grandpa swinging around a bommie knocker. They meet Wasabi in the hallway,
signing autographs to senior citizens, with an oversized novelty pencil- you
know the ones, with the big erasers on the end? Well, anyway, and Mr. Teeny is
sitting on his shoulder, licking the pubic lice out of is hair.
Raptor: Well,
not so dignified now, are we you stupid monkey!
Mr. Teeny: Oh,
be quiet you! I think I dropped my monocle in Wasabi’s hair and I can’t find
it!
Wasabi:
… Sure… Yeah, sure I’ll come visit you again… Thanks, love you too! Aww, that
was great, wasn’t it?
Edge: Yeah,
well, no.
Wasabi: Owww.
You spoil sport! Why, I had a great time!
Christian: Yeah
well you didn’t have to deal with good ol’ Grandpa swinging a bommie knocker
around, did you?
Wasabi: *aghast*
Oh no! Oh NO! He
didn’t pull the bommie knocker out did he? Oh my god… Look out!
They turn around to see the elevator sign
saying “down” Out walks Grandpa, swinging his Bommie Knocker everywhere. Wasabi
looks around, terrified, and sees the sign… The one thing that could save his
life… He sees it- A switch on the wall, covered by glass, that says “In case of
Bommie Knocker, break Glass” He looks, and smashes the nearest window. Rachel
then tells him to smash the glass and push the switch, and he does so, to
reveal a big jar of mustard.
Wasabi: Here’s
your mustard!
Good ol’ Grandpa: That’s not mustard!!!
Wasabi: Okay, so this week we have two things.
Raptor has the most important match right? So, all we really need to focus on
is helping him win the Match. Of course, we have to get the big plan ready too,
but Raptor is important too. So any Promo suggestions?
Edge: Well, I was thinking song and dance style
musical number…
He stands up and grabs a top hat and tap
dancing shoes, and begins to sing, accompanied by Mr. Teeny on a Toy Honky Tonk
Piano…
When I was a boy,
I saw a man, who was wrestling, at the time…
And now these days,
he still wrestles, and he is old and lame…
He’s past his
prime, and you will find, that his fitness is sub-par…
His hair falls
out, his bladder control fails, and out comes rushing, bodily fluids…
He takes his
pills, he rings his great grandson, and this, he says, to him…
Hey little fella
how you doing today, I just realized that I might be gay
I really love my
job and I just can’t quit but all the people think I am a huge dick
What should I do,
where can I go, I have a really really crap win loss ratio,
I really suck,
and my pay is low, so tell me, where can I go?
Wasabi: That’s nice edge, but really
ridiculous, plus, it’s Raptor’s promo, not yours…
Rachel: He could make a mini documentary on
him…
And here, we
see the Primtimeeus McOldieus. He has several failing bodily vitals, and false
teeth. His bowel control is weakening, and that’s why he constantly has the
urge to rush to the toilet and let it all splatter…
Raptor: Ahhh Gross! How about this… I cut a
promo, ok?
Wasabi: Fine, sounds good to me. Then we’ll
organize this big plan for shockwave.
Raptor: Sounds good- Lets go back to Hobos
place. By the way… Where is Hobo?
The scene cuts to Hobo break-dancing to
Rollin with the senior citizens in the Bingo Hall, then cuts back to the limo.
Eventually they reach home. Everyone goes
off in their separate directions, and Raptor goes to Hobo’s Promoing room,
looks to the camera, and starts rambling on, at the end of a promo, just like
always...
Raptor: Okay Primetime… I’ll give you credit.
You surprised me. In a big way. I wasn’t expecting you to show your face last
week, so I did a crap job. Big deal. But what really bites me is that you ended
my Winning streak, in the stupidest way humanly possible. It gets on my nerves,
I think of it everyday. For almost 4 months now, I’ve been undefeated, and it
ends to a guy that has been slacking off for the last 6 months! And I don’t
care for your excuses… You had family emergency, your cat died, you had an
enema, I don’t care. The point is, you were gone. Period. And now your back,
challenging me for my extreme title. Well, I say you’ve got a lotta balls,
coming back, and calling me a jobber before you had even taken the time to
study by past. If there’s one thing I make sure to do Primetime, it’s study my
opponent. I get to know them, and the way they think. I get inside their head
and see what the hell is going on in that twisted little crevice people call a
brain cavity. It helps- You can predict what and when your opponent is about to
do something, you can scout it and stop it from happening. It can mean the
difference between winning, and losing. And admittedly, I went slack with you
last week. I thought I had an easy win on my hands, and you proved me wrong.
But that was
last week…
I’ve been
watching tapes of you Primetime. Your matches with Blindside and Jarred, to
back when you were nothing but a Rookie. Does that seem a little stalkerish? Yeah…
Hell yeah, it does. Does it seem obsessive? Damn straight it does… But hell,
wrestling is my life. I revolve around wrestling… Why just when I was a little
kid, my first words were “Whatcha gonna do, brother?”. I was hulking up by the
age of 3. And I was pile-driving my goldfish by age 5. I’ve broken a few necks
in my day, let me tell you that, son. But the greatest thing about me, is that I
learn. I don’t make the same mistakes twice! Ain’t it great? And trust me, I’m
not making the same mistake twice. Last week, I underestimated you, This week, I’m
bringing everything I’ve got to the plate. And it’s going to be a feast for me
when it’s all said and done. Because, eventually, I’ll win! There’s no denying
it… It’s just a simple fact. It’s what I do… Winning, and Raptor- The two words
go hand in hand. And yeah, I tease you about being old and false teeth and all
that, I have a bit of fun. But I know just as well as you that you are still a
threat… And one that I need to take seriously. You’re putting everything I worked
for in jeopardy…
Geez, that’s
credit to you, buddy… There’s not many people I take seriously.
And when it
comes down to it, I’ll feel proud to put my title on the line against you. I’ve
seen you, up there at the top of the mountain, holding that world championship…
So to know that someone like you is willing to step in the ring with someone
like me makes me feel good. But at the end of the day, it will still be a
fight. There will have to be a loser and a winner. So… Bring what you’ve got. I
wanna see your cards, I’ve shown you my hand all-ready. Can you handle the
game?
All bets are
off Primetime, this one is the all or nothing game.