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Raptor’s theme music: Man,
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Saliva |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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Jarred/Primetime vs wWo Phalanx |
The wWo |
Jarred,
Primetime
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World (1, Current), Intercontinental (1) Extreme (1) |
11-5-3 |
wWo Phalanx is here, boys and girls, and
we’re here to cause a stir. Wasabi and Raptor have posted a challenge to
Primetime and Jarred to defend their tag titles for the first time since they
won them! Hurray! Anyway, Jarred is sure to be pissed off after not only losing
his chance at the world title, but also losing his IC championship to the wWo.
The nWo sure had a bad night at Cold Day in Hell, being beaten by Badd Boy too.
So they’re pretty sure to be pissed off.
No one likes an opponent on the rebound.
Raptor and Wasabi are at Hobo’s place,
because Hobo is throwing a congratulatory party for Raptor on breaking the
First Pay Per View Defense curse! Rapy is at the Bar, and the Sabi Man walks up
to him.
Raptor: Hey man!
Wasabi: I’m not Paul Heyman!
Raptor: No I said Hey Man!
Wasabi: Oh right. Oh well, congrats on the win
last Sunday!
Raptor: Yeah, I’m happy. Plus because of me,
you’re now the IC champion. Ain’t that cool?
Wasabi: Yeah, but it’s even cooler that the wWo
hold every male singles title in the EMF!
Raptor: And soon the tag belts! Ooooooh yeah!
We’ll be getting Phalanxy!
They high five each other…
Wasabi: Man what is up with Primetime these
days, anyway? He’s never, ever around anymore!!!
Raptor: Yeah when was his last actual match?
Wasabi: I’m not sure… He had those fake matches
with Jarred… and his promos were all like: “Ooooh, I hate you Jarred (join the
nWo!!!!) But I hate you! (no really, JOIN!)”
Suddenly Kevin Kelly bursts into the
room, screaming “WHERE’S PRIMETIME?” panicking. He runs around in circles, then
runs out to find his favorite sex toy.
Raptor: Yeah that was kind of weird. I tell you
what, this nWo is nowhere near as good as the old nWo. This is just a crappy
sequel. It’s the Episode 1: Phantom Menace of nWo. It’s the Naked Gun 3 of the
nWo. In other words, it’s “nWo: Version Crap”.
Wasabi: Yeah, as soon as Jarred joined all
respectability just flew out the window. Then Rob Stalebread, that Viking guy
joined, and, well, now nWo stands for “new Wasabibitches order”.
Raptor: Oh yeah… not forgetting the fact they
got bashed… by BADD BOY!
They both crack up laughing…
Wasabi: Ahahah! They really are “nWo:Version
Crap” And I can’t wait to kick their asses again.
Raptor: I don’t know what’s funnier. They got
bashed by Badd Boy… or just Badd Boy full stop.
Wasabi: Yeah and now that he’s back the wWo
have another bitch to wreck every 3 seconds!
Raptor: Like we need more! I can’t keep wrecking
so many people Wasabi, I can’t keep up!
Wasabi: I think you’ll manage just fine with
wrecking them all Raptor.
Raptor: *smiling* Yeah I know!
They spot Toby wandering around in a top hat, and call him over…
Toby: Hey guys, can I ask, what the hell is the
point of promoing on Primetime and Jarred the Hut?
Wasabi: So we win!
Toby: Yeah but with the losing streak Jobbed has
been on, I don’t think you need to bother.
Raptor: Oh well, we may as well bother, I mean…
he is Demon Clydefrog now!
They all do the scott hall scary thing and go oooooh!
Wasabi: I’m so scared, the guy is the grandson
of the devil. Oh no. Excuse me while I change my diaper.
Toby: THAT’S what the smell was!
Wasabi: What? No! I wasn’t actually wearing a
diaper!
Raptor: Sure Wasabi… sure…
Wasabi: I WASN’T! *runs off to check if he is wearing a
diaper*
Raptor: Oh well Tobes, I am going to promo, so
can you film?
Toby: Yeah well, I got nothing better to do.
They walk into Hobo’s long lost and underused
Promoing room, and dust off the cameras and equipment…
Raptor: Man it brings back memories being in
here!
Toby: Man where is this place?
Raptor: Long story, I’ll tell you it sometime. Now,
time to promo!
Toby jumps behind the camera, and presses
a button which sends the live feed straight around the world.
Raptor: Are we on?
Toby: Yeah.
Raptor: Oh! *Puts his promoing face and voice on* I hate you Primetime. I hate you so
very, very much. More than I hate Jarred. More than I hated Def Metal. More
than I hate Vince McMahon and his satanic business practices… (OOC: No Smackdown in Australia, Vince
you BASTARD!) And I
hate you more than the other world’s hatred for the entire world combined! But
what I hate the most is the fact that you just won’t let the nWo die! No matter
how crap it gets, it must survive.
You could have
just let it pass away quietly when I retired Matt Dragon, but noooooo… No, not
at all! You had to go and recruit the EMF’s main event Jobber, Jarred. And then
Jarred recruited that new guy. Rob whatshisface. And now, look at the nWo. It’s
a shambles. A mere spin off of what it used to be. That’s part of the reason
Jericho and Angelica left- Because they saw how stupid a leader you actually
were. They saw your failings.
And what else
can I say about you Primetime? There’s nothing to say about you. Because you
don’t have a gimmick. You’re just… Primetime. You come on, and you talk, and
you leave. And that’s about it. You don’t go on wacky adventures. You don’t see
dead people. You don’t look like a Viking. You’re just… Primetime. The man that
hasn’t had a proper match since Last Stand. You’ve been sitting on your hands,
at home on the couch, watching Jarred run the nWo for you. And look how Jarred
has won the nWo. The nWo have NO singles titles. The nWo got bashed last week.
The nWo are a JOKE. That’s right, a joke. And we, the wWo Phalanx, are the
punchline. The knockout blow. When we take the only titles you’ve got, what’s
going to happen? Will you turn on each other? Will the nWo fall apart? Or will
you make sure it stays alive again Primetime? What are you going to do, recruit
Homeboy this time? Or Badd Boy? Or Jake Jeckyl? Wow, you sure would be a
dominating stable then, wouldn’t you?
The nWo is the
bottom of the EMF these days. Not like those glory days, all the while ago,
where they were actually respected. As much as I hate to admit it, when Matt
Dragon was at the helm of the nWo, they were a powerful stable. One that the
wWo had trouble keeping up with. But we hang in there, and I retired Matt
Dragon, and now look. The nWo is a watered down pile of mush. A pack of
wannabes and has-beens coming together in the hopes of actually winning a
couple of matches. Primetime, what happened to you? You just disappeared! And
Jarred… we all know what happened to Jarred. He lost all his matches, so he
decided to see Dead People again, like the kid from the sixth sense. Well, let
me tell you, seeing Dead People ain’t gonna help you in the ring, Jarred. Nothing
will help YOU in the ring, at the rate your going. I mean, when was the last
time you ACTUALLY won a proper match? When? Before you left the EMF in april?
Wow! That’s great Jarred. That’s real great, you Joke.
You guys over
there at the nWo are the laughing stock of a nation. You’re the comic relief of
the EMF, not the wWo. Because you take yourself so seriously, when really, you’re
a pile of dog shit withering away in the sun! Slowly but surely, decomposing
into nothing. That’s the nWo for you. And that paralell’s Jarred’s career too.
Jarred’s career is slowly but surely decomposing into Wes’ career. Losing week
after week against people like Homeboy. People who do “I will beat you” promos.
How long till that’s you, Primetime? How long?
And the Demon Klutz Jarred. What about him? How long till… wait, no, his career
is already down the toilet. My mistake. Demon Crap isn’t a gimmick, it’s a
mindset, is it Jarred? Are you sure? Because I think it’s a crappy gimmick that
makes you look 10 times stupider than you already are. But that’s okay, because
you’re going to realize that after your losing streak continues. It’s a pity
Jarred. You’re a pity. That’s what your parents probably think too. Pity you
were born. Pity you shame their family. That’s what your brother thinks too.
Ahh yes, good
old dead brother, making you think your related to the devil again. Jarred, can
I ask, have you ever been to the insane asylum? Because if you pull any more of
this crap out of your ass, I’m going to send you there.
It’s creepy that you think it’s real. It’s even creepier that you’re not on
drugs when you think it’s real.
Jarred, is it
sugar? Are you high on sugar? Is that why? Or is it Tazz’s bodily odor? Is that
what’s getting you high enough to believe you’ve seen dead people and you’re
the great grand son of Lucifer? What is it? Why? Should you even be wrestling
if your that high? I don’t get you nWo goons, you make no sense to me.
The Phalanx is here to cure these problems, boys and girls. We’re here to show
Primetime how his career is anything but in it’s Primetime. We’re here to show
Jarred that seeing Dead People is for that kid in the sixth sense and that guy
from crossing over. We’re here to teach the nWo that they’re stable is to the
EMF what Walker Texas Ranger is to Television. Or in one word, they’re CRAP. C,
R, A, P, crap. Matt Dragon would be rolling around in his grave. If he was
dead, that is. What have you done to his killer stable? You’ve killed the
killer stable.
Oh well, the
Phalanx is going to deal it a deadly blow by taking away your only Championship
you hold. Those tag belts will be ours, boys, because the wWo is the EMF’s
biggest and best stable. And we’ve proven that over and over again, now will be
just another time. You don’t learn, no matter how much we teach you that, do
you? No matter how many times we beat you, no matter how many times we take
your title belts and job you, you just can’t work out that we truly are the
better stable. Oh well. Hopefully when you 2 guys are limp underneath Wasabi
and Me, standing above you, holding the tag title belts, maybe you’ll finally
realize that the nWo is over for good now.
So, nWo:Version
Crap…
It’s time to
get Phalanxy!!!!!!!
The EMF’s most unstable stable…