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Jarred/Primetime vs wWo Phalanx
EMF Tag Team Championship

The wWo

Jarred, Primetime

World (1, Current), Intercontinental (1)
Attitude World (2+Last Ever)

Extreme (1)

11-5-3

 

 

wWo Phalanx is here, boys and girls, and we’re here to cause a stir. Wasabi and Raptor have posted a challenge to Primetime and Jarred to defend their tag titles for the first time since they won them! Hurray! Anyway, Jarred is sure to be pissed off after not only losing his chance at the world title, but also losing his IC championship to the wWo. The nWo sure had a bad night at Cold Day in Hell, being beaten by Badd Boy too. So they’re pretty sure to be pissed off.

 

No one likes an opponent on the rebound.

 

Raptor and Wasabi are at Hobo’s place, because Hobo is throwing a congratulatory party for Raptor on breaking the First Pay Per View Defense curse! Rapy is at the Bar, and the Sabi Man walks up to him.

 

Raptor: Hey man!

 

Wasabi: I’m not Paul Heyman!

 

Raptor: No I said Hey Man!

 

Wasabi: Oh right. Oh well, congrats on the win last Sunday!

 

Raptor: Yeah, I’m happy. Plus because of me, you’re now the IC champion. Ain’t that cool?

 

Wasabi: Yeah, but it’s even cooler that the wWo hold every male singles title in the EMF!

 

Raptor: And soon the tag belts! Ooooooh yeah! We’ll be getting Phalanxy!

 

They high five each other…

 

Wasabi: Man what is up with Primetime these days, anyway? He’s never, ever around anymore!!!

 

Raptor: Yeah when was his last actual match?

 

Wasabi: I’m not sure… He had those fake matches with Jarred… and his promos were all like: “Ooooh, I hate you Jarred (join the nWo!!!!) But I hate you! (no really, JOIN!)”

 

Suddenly Kevin Kelly bursts into the room, screaming “WHERE’S PRIMETIME?” panicking. He runs around in circles, then runs out to find his favorite sex toy.

 

Raptor: Yeah that was kind of weird. I tell you what, this nWo is nowhere near as good as the old nWo. This is just a crappy sequel. It’s the Episode 1: Phantom Menace of nWo. It’s the Naked Gun 3 of the nWo. In other words, it’s “nWo: Version Crap”.

 

Wasabi: Yeah, as soon as Jarred joined all respectability just flew out the window. Then Rob Stalebread, that Viking guy joined, and, well, now nWo stands for “new Wasabibitches order”.

 

Raptor: Oh yeah… not forgetting the fact they got bashed… by BADD BOY! 

 

They both crack up laughing…

 

Wasabi: Ahahah! They really are “nWo:Version Crap” And I can’t wait to kick their asses again.

 

Raptor: I don’t know what’s funnier. They got bashed by Badd Boy… or just Badd Boy full stop.

 

Wasabi: Yeah and now that he’s back the wWo have another bitch to wreck every 3 seconds!

 

Raptor: Like we need more! I can’t keep wrecking so many people Wasabi, I can’t keep up!

 

Wasabi: I think you’ll manage just fine with wrecking them all Raptor.

 

Raptor: *smiling* Yeah I know!

 

They spot Toby wandering around in a top hat, and call him over…

 

Toby: Hey guys, can I ask, what the hell is the point of promoing on Primetime and Jarred the Hut?

 

Wasabi: So we win!

 

Toby: Yeah but with the losing streak Jobbed has been on, I don’t think you need to bother.

 

Raptor: Oh well, we may as well bother, I mean… he is Demon Clydefrog now!

 

They all do the scott hall scary thing and go oooooh!

 

Wasabi: I’m so scared, the guy is the grandson of the devil. Oh no. Excuse me while I change my diaper.

 

Toby: THAT’S what the smell was!

 

Wasabi: What? No! I wasn’t actually wearing a diaper!

 

Raptor: Sure Wasabi… sure…

 

Wasabi: I WASN’T! *runs off to check if he is wearing a diaper*

 

Raptor: Oh well Tobes, I am going to promo, so can you film?

 

Toby: Yeah well, I got nothing better to do.

 

They walk into Hobo’s long lost and underused Promoing room, and dust off the cameras and equipment…

 

Raptor: Man it brings back memories being in here!

 

Toby: Man where is this place?

 

Raptor: Long story, I’ll tell you it sometime. Now, time to promo!

 

Toby jumps behind the camera, and presses a button which sends the live feed straight around the world.

 

Raptor: Are we on?

 

Toby: Yeah.

 

Raptor: Oh! *Puts his promoing face and voice on* I hate you Primetime. I hate you so very, very much. More than I hate Jarred. More than I hated Def Metal. More than I hate Vince McMahon and his satanic business practices… (OOC: No Smackdown in Australia, Vince you BASTARD!) And I hate you more than the other world’s hatred for the entire world combined! But what I hate the most is the fact that you just won’t let the nWo die! No matter how crap it gets, it must survive.

 

You could have just let it pass away quietly when I retired Matt Dragon, but noooooo… No, not at all! You had to go and recruit the EMF’s main event Jobber, Jarred. And then Jarred recruited that new guy. Rob whatshisface. And now, look at the nWo. It’s a shambles. A mere spin off of what it used to be. That’s part of the reason Jericho and Angelica left- Because they saw how stupid a leader you actually were. They saw your failings.

 

And what else can I say about you Primetime? There’s nothing to say about you. Because you don’t have a gimmick. You’re just… Primetime. You come on, and you talk, and you leave. And that’s about it. You don’t go on wacky adventures. You don’t see dead people. You don’t look like a Viking. You’re just… Primetime. The man that hasn’t had a proper match since Last Stand. You’ve been sitting on your hands, at home on the couch, watching Jarred run the nWo for you. And look how Jarred has won the nWo. The nWo have NO singles titles. The nWo got bashed last week. The nWo are a JOKE. That’s right, a joke. And we, the wWo Phalanx, are the punchline. The knockout blow. When we take the only titles you’ve got, what’s going to happen? Will you turn on each other? Will the nWo fall apart? Or will you make sure it stays alive again Primetime? What are you going to do, recruit Homeboy this time? Or Badd Boy? Or Jake Jeckyl? Wow, you sure would be a dominating stable then, wouldn’t you?

 

The nWo is the bottom of the EMF these days. Not like those glory days, all the while ago, where they were actually respected. As much as I hate to admit it, when Matt Dragon was at the helm of the nWo, they were a powerful stable. One that the wWo had trouble keeping up with. But we hang in there, and I retired Matt Dragon, and now look. The nWo is a watered down pile of mush. A pack of wannabes and has-beens coming together in the hopes of actually winning a couple of matches. Primetime, what happened to you? You just disappeared! And Jarred… we all know what happened to Jarred. He lost all his matches, so he decided to see Dead People again, like the kid from the sixth sense. Well, let me tell you, seeing Dead People ain’t gonna help you in the ring, Jarred. Nothing will help YOU in the ring, at the rate your going. I mean, when was the last time you ACTUALLY won a proper match? When? Before you left the EMF in april? Wow! That’s great Jarred. That’s real great, you Joke.

 

You guys over there at the nWo are the laughing stock of a nation. You’re the comic relief of the EMF, not the wWo. Because you take yourself so seriously, when really, you’re a pile of dog shit withering away in the sun! Slowly but surely, decomposing into nothing. That’s the nWo for you. And that paralell’s Jarred’s career too. Jarred’s career is slowly but surely decomposing into Wes’ career. Losing week after week against people like Homeboy. People who do “I will beat you” promos. How long till that’s you, Primetime? How long?


And the Demon Klutz Jarred. What about him? How long till… wait, no, his career is already down the toilet. My mistake. Demon Crap isn’t a gimmick, it’s a mindset, is it Jarred? Are you sure? Because I think it’s a crappy gimmick that makes you look 10 times stupider than you already are. But that’s okay, because you’re going to realize that after your losing streak continues. It’s a pity Jarred. You’re a pity. That’s what your parents probably think too. Pity you were born. Pity you shame their family. That’s what your brother thinks too.

 

Ahh yes, good old dead brother, making you think your related to the devil again. Jarred, can I ask, have you ever been to the insane asylum? Because if you pull any more of this crap out of your ass, I’m going to send you there.


It’s creepy that you think it’s real. It’s even creepier that you’re not on drugs when you think it’s real.

 

Jarred, is it sugar? Are you high on sugar? Is that why? Or is it Tazz’s bodily odor? Is that what’s getting you high enough to believe you’ve seen dead people and you’re the great grand son of Lucifer? What is it? Why? Should you even be wrestling if your that high? I don’t get you nWo goons, you make no sense to me.

The Phalanx is here to cure these problems, boys and girls. We’re here to show Primetime how his career is anything but in it’s Primetime. We’re here to show Jarred that seeing Dead People is for that kid in the sixth sense and that guy from crossing over. We’re here to teach the nWo that they’re stable is to the EMF what Walker Texas Ranger is to Television. Or in one word, they’re CRAP. C, R, A, P, crap. Matt Dragon would be rolling around in his grave. If he was dead, that is. What have you done to his killer stable? You’ve killed the killer stable.

 

Oh well, the Phalanx is going to deal it a deadly blow by taking away your only Championship you hold. Those tag belts will be ours, boys, because the wWo is the EMF’s biggest and best stable. And we’ve proven that over and over again, now will be just another time. You don’t learn, no matter how much we teach you that, do you? No matter how many times we beat you, no matter how many times we take your title belts and job you, you just can’t work out that we truly are the better stable. Oh well. Hopefully when you 2 guys are limp underneath Wasabi and Me, standing above you, holding the tag title belts, maybe you’ll finally realize that the nWo is over for good now.

 

So, nWo:Version Crap…

 

It’s time to get Phalanxy!!!!!!!

 

The EMF’s most unstable stable…