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Raptor’s theme music: |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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Raptor/Def v Dork Circle |
Toby, Def Metal, Wasabi, |
Jarred,
Steelheart
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World (1), Intercontinental (1) Extreme (1), Tag (1, Current) |
13-6-3 |
Well, Wasabi’s pissed off (gone away, not
angry). He’s beaten Dreg Head, so now he couldn’t care LESS THAT HE STILL HAS A
TAG PARTNER WHO NEEDS HIS HELP!!! Oh well. Fine. JUST FINE! GOOD! I’ll get
someone BETTER THEN! Raptor recruited a long lost Def Metal, his former enemy,
as his partner, and now he’s taking on Jarred and Rob Steelheart, from that
stable, you know, the “Dark Circle Jerkers”
Our scene opens with Raptor sitting at
his computer desk. He looks ready to get working on something, as he has a
stack of papers next to the computer, and Winword is open. We see that he’s
typing a front cover to something. Eventually we see “Jarred Carthallion: The
unofficial biography” He finishes the front page and starts writing the first
page, until Toby bursts into the room.
Toby: Dad Wasabi’s dog fell down the gutter
again and- Umm… What are you doing?
Raptor: Nothing important, you know, just…
stuff…
Toby: Oh don’t act so innocent. It’ll have to be
something interesting, you only usually use the computer for online gambling or
porn.
Raptor: I TOLD YOU! That wasn’t porn! It was old
Hardy Boyz and Terri merchandise!
Toby: Yeah, sure sure. *He grabs the mouse and scrolls up to the
front page* Um…. What
the fuck?
Raptor: Well, I was thinking…
Toby: *Starts backing away from Raptor slowly* Are you a Jarred fan?
Raptor: No! I was thinking that, you know, since
we’ve been in like, a gazillion matches together, and I’ve won them all, I
could practically write his biography.
Toby: That’s nice, but isn’t it a little
pointless and… well… time consuming?
Raptor: Well I figured that writing a book would
still take less time than listening to a boring-ass Jarred lecture, so I’m not
worried about that. And think of the cultural impact this book could have! It
could scare the youth of America so much that the gothic satan loving culture
all but vanishes from the earth!
Toby: Yeah, but then again, you’re spending more
than 5 minutes thinking about Jarred, and that’s been known to cause lung
cancer, and extreme depression.
Raptor: Hmm… Guess you’re right.
He picks up the computer and throws it
out the window.
Toby: That’s the 3rd one this week,
Dad! You know, you can just delete the files!
Raptor: Oh shit, sorry, I forgot again.
Suddenly the phone rings. Raptor puts it
on speakerphone, because last week he accidentally threw the handset out the
window.
Raptor: Hello?
Wasabi: Ahhh! Hey there, Rapy!
Raptor: Wasabi!? Where the hell are you!?
Wasabi: Ahh man, I’m everywhere, and I’m
nowhere… Actually, I’m holidaying with Rachel in the Caribbean! It’s MAD here!
It’s warm as hell, the beaches are beautiful and… DAMN! The women over here are
fiiiiine looking.
OW! Sorry
Rachel…
So how are
you?
Raptor: Um, yeah good. But if you haven’t
noticed, we had a tag match here this week, and you bailed on me man!
Wasabi: huh? KSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHH oh, sorry Rapy,
KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH I think you’re breaking up KSSSSSHHHH I’ll call you again
later.
He hangs up
Raptor: Slack ass…
Toby: Ah well, at least you’ve got Defy giving
you a hand.
Raptor: Def? Hand?
Raptor shudders, and has a flashback of
the horrible time when Def Metal crushed his hand with a sledgehammer…
Toby: Sorry! Sorry…
Raptor: Hmmm it’s gonna be so weird being
partners with my former enemy.
Toby: Ahh you’ll get along just fine.
Raptor: Hmm… even so, I think I might invite him
over here to talk, make sure we’re on the same page.
2
hours later
There is a knock on the door, and Def Metal walks in…
Raptor: Ahh, Def Metal… umm… Hi.
Def Metal: Hmm. Hello Raptor.
They sit down at the table and stare at each
other for a bit. Def coughing is the only break in the silence.
Raptor: So…
Um…
How are things?
Def Metal: ………… Things are good.
Raptor: and… the wife and kids?
Def Metal: I’m single and I have no kids.
Raptor: oh… Um… that’s o.k. too.
Raptor gets a brilliant idea
Raptor: Do you want alcohol?
Def Metal: God yes!
Another hour later…
Our scene comes back with Raptor playing Pokemon cards with Defy
Def Metal: Hah! My Pikachu beats your Bulbasaur!
Raptor: Pika Pikaaaaa my ASS! Take this! *Lays down a Crapanutter*
Def Metal: Crapanutter!!! That’s not a real Pokemon!!
Raptor: IS TOO!
Def Metal: IS NOT!
The door opens and in walks Toby
Raptor: IS TOO!
Toby: Hey hey! Fellas, please!!! Pokemon? umm… what
the fuck? Besides, shouldn’t you guys be preparing for your match?
Raptor: Au Contraire, my son, this IS preparing
for our match.
Toby: And how do you figure that?
Def Metal: Well we figured that Jarred talks about
himself so much that he’s just like a Pokemon!
Raptor jumps up, puts on his Jarred face
and starts running around the room, acting like Jarred, screaming:
Raptor: Jarr… Jarred. Jarred Jarred, ed Jarr,
arred, Jarr… Jarred Jarred!!!! *starts to convulse* Jarr…. EEEEEEEDDD!!!! *Lightning comes out his ass*
Def Metal: Translated that means “Fetch the puke
bucket, I just saw my reflection in a mirror again”
Toby: Hmm… Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight… Well you’re
forgetting his partner…
Def Metal: Ahh! No we’re not! See this?
He pulls out a copy of Mel Gibson’s “Braveheart”
Raptor: Dude, we went over this already, it’s
STEELheart. Wait a second, metal boy… he’s ripping on your gimmick…
Def Metal: Good GOD! He is too!
Raptor: Come on, Defy! We’ll go find them!! I think I know where
they hang out.
Raptor drags Defy by the arm out of the room…
Later
that day
We come back to see Raptor and Def Metal undercover at a Gay Pride meeting.
Def Metal: I can’t believe I let you talk me into
this. Are you SURE this is where Jarred and Steelheart go in their spare time?
Raptor: Trust me, I know. Just you wait, they’ll
be here soon.
Richard Simmons stands up and starts the meeting…
Def Metal: Raptor… they aren’t here yet, and the doors
are closed now…
Raptor: Fine, we’ll try the “It’s unreal being
gay” center down the street, maybe they’re there.
They stand up and go to leave… and
everyone looks at them.
Richard
Simmons: Where are you
going?
Raptor: Umm… Nowhere. Just… ummm *he spots two spare chairs near the door*
Moving seats, so we
can get a better view…
They sit down, and resume the meeting.
Richard
Simmons: Now… Question
time. You can all ask me questions.
Raptor gets a mischievous look in his eye, and a sly grin on his face…
5
minutes later
We see Defy and Raptor being thrown out
of the building. They get up, and brush themselves off…
Def Metal: That was the stupidest question I’ve ever
heard!
Raptor: What?! How was I supposed to know that
they’d be insulted?
They look up and spot a car that catches Raptor’s eye…
Raptor: I swear to god that car had “Dark
Circle” written on it!!!!
Raptor and Defy look at each other, and run to Defy’s NEW classic Camaro (one that Raptor hasn’t wrecked), Raptor gets in the driver’s seat, and Defy looks shocked, but goes along to save time. They give chase. And after a short chase, they catch a red light.
Def Metal: Damn it! It went that way!
Raptor: No it didn’t it went THAT way!
Def Metal: Great. Just GREAT! You’ve lost it! I KNEW I
shouldn’t have let you drive.
They start to drive home, when…
Raptor: There it IS!
He spots the car outside a hardware
store.
Def Metal: Maybe they’re building a cubby house.
They park the Camaro and hop out. They walk up to the van, to see the window, with “…ark Circl..” on it, covered in dust, so it can’t be read properly. Raptor goes up to it, and wipes the dust off… But they both let out a groan when…
Def Metal: John Clark and Co. Circlular Saws?! We were
chasing CIRCULAR SAWS?!
Raptor: GODDAMNIT!
Def Metal: You thought it was a Dark Circle van?
Raptor: Yeah I guess that is pretty stupid… I
mean, they don’t win any matches, so I guess they wouldn’t be able to afford a
van!
Def Metal: Why exactly are we trying to find them
anyway?
Raptor: Hmm… I didn’t really think about that… I
guess I was going to cross that bride when I came to it.
Def Metal: God well that was the biggest waste of time
I’ve ever been on. I’m outta here, later Rapy.
Defy jumps in the Camaro and drives off, leaving Raptor standing there.
Raptor: Oh that’s just great, now how the hell
am I going to get home?
He looks at the stores in front of him.
There’s the hardware store, a laser eye clinic, and a…
Raptor: Wow I never thought I’d be back here any
time soon…
A bondage store, run by “Checkovina
Strapslosky Whipya Spankalot”… You know, the same store he visited long ago
when he faced Angelus for the extreme title! Yeah, that’s the one. He walks
inside, to see if the “painted faces of death” are there. And there we see a
knocked up Checkovina! She’s PREGNANT?! Behind her, more children are running
around…
Checkovina:
Yeah, Whadda ya want?
Raptor: Oh nothing… Just wondering if I can use
your phone, I gotta get to the arena, I’ve got a match against Jarred tommorow.
Checkovina:
Huh!? Jarred…. EMF,
JARRED? Demon Bullshit Jarred? Brother of our former best customer Angelus?!
Raptor: That’s the one.
Checkovina:
THAT BASTARD! He
hasn’t paid child support in years! After Angelus was killed, he still had
bills he owed here at the bondage shop. So I called Jarred… And, well, to cut a
long story short, here we are.
Raptor: That’s not cutting it short, that’s
cutting it completely.
Checkovina:
Yeah I know. Phone’s
over there, use it. And when you see Jarred, give him a shiner for me.
He calls someone up, and goes and waits
outside. Soon, the Couch-van pulls up, and out hops the Couch!
Couch: Somebody call for an interview?
Raptor: No I called cause I need a lift home.
Couch: Oh… *looks dejected* well,
can I interview you on the way home?
Raptor: Oh… I guess so, how can I resist a cute
little puppy dog face like that?! Let’s go.
They hop in the Couch van, which,
ironically, is a van, with couches in it. Raptor sits on one, Couch sits on
another, and they begin the interview.
Couch: So, Raptor, you’re taking on Jarred, who
you’ve faced a gazillion times before, and Rob Steelheart, who is no stranger
to the wWo. You’ll be defending your Tag Team titles, which you won with
Wasabi, but you’ll be defending them with your new partner, Def Metal. How does
that make you feel?
Raptor: Well I’m annoyed at Wasabi for leaving
with such short notice, for one. Sabi Man, if you’re watching this… *Looks angrily at the camera* YOU BAILED ON ME, YOU BASTARD! YOU
BAILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, if you’re not watching, I have this message to
you. You should be watching. You should.
Anyway back to
the match at hand, I’m glad to have Def on my side. He’s a guaranteed win for
us. I’ve faced Defy even more times than I’ve faced Jarred, and I tell you
what, I know what that man can do. He takes his opponents to the limit. That’s
the kind of partner I want. I couldn’t have chosen a better replacement for Wasabi.
Not that I
couldn’t take Jarred and Steelheart by myself. I mean, honestly, look at them.
Jarred still hasn’t had a pinfall or submission victory in the last 3 months,
and Steelheart hasn’t held a title for more than a week. Am I supposed to take
the “Dark Circle” as a threat?!
Oh, “Fear us!”
they cry. “Pretty please?! Just a little?”
Nobody fears
them because there’s nothing worth fearing in that stable. Jarred, their
leader, isn’t capable of beating Homeboy while he’s asleep, and Steelheart is still
stuck on the leash of Dark Talon…
Couch: Who!?
Raptor: Yeah that’s what I said. Some guy that
can’t stop talking about DCW. DCW this, DCW that. If he hasn’t noticed, this is
the EMF, not the DCW, and quite frankly, DCW can suck my balls, because nobody
CARES ABOUT IT HERE.
Then there’s
Kevin Nash… Who hasn’t been seen since Jarred got bashed by Franchize, ages
ago. And… I think that’s it? Is that it? Yeah.
The Dark Circle
is nothing but a pack of losers who’ve been watching way to many horror movies.
Well, wake up call to Jarred, HALLOWEEN IS FOR KIDDIES. Drop the scary thing,
it makes you look stupid.
Wait, I’ve
already told you guys that like 50 gazillion times, you never believe me, so go
ahead, act all dark and evil, see if I care. It hasn’t got you anywhere in the
ring so far, and it’s not going to later on.
Couch: Now you and Jarred seem to have a history.
Tell us about that.
Raptor: Hmm well, History? If me beating his
ass, over, and over, and over again is what you call a history, then sure. We
have a history. I pinned him and took his intercontinental title, while defending
my world title. In the world title match last month, even though I lost to
Primetime, I was the man that pinned Jarred and eliminated his chances of getting
that title. I took the tag titles from Primetime and Jarred, and guess who got
pinned in that match?! Jarred did! Wow! Now I’m facing him for those same very
titles I took from him. Yeah, we have a history. A very one sided history, but
a history, none the less.
Couch: And what of Rob Steelheart, the man who
took Toby’s TV title, then lost it to Wasabi a week later?
Raptor: Well, to be honest, I haven’t been
paying much attention to the guy. He makes himself out to be such a huge star,
yet his biggest match has been that very match where he lost his TV title. That’s
his career highlight? Wow. I guess that means that facing TWO main event
superstars like Defy and Me will make THIS match his career highlight. He’s
been here in the EMF before though, I’ve heard. He was in the EMF long before I
debuted, which was nearly a year ago (Yay for me!). And people remember him. That’s
a plus, I guess. When you’re gone but not forgotten. Too bad he’s back and he
IS forgotten this time. I don’t plan on losing the titles to Steelheart and
Jarred. Of all the 2 competitors we could be facing, these are the last two
people I would deem worthy of taking the titles.
Def Metal and I
are ready for those two. We’re locked in, we’re loaded and ready to blow. And I
don’t mean that in a dirty way, for the sickos out there who will take it that
way. We’re here to squash the Dark Circle and move on to bigger and better
things. See you on Shockwave, boys. The Tag Team titles won’t be yours.
The Raptor is
on the Rampage, boys. Don’t get caught on my game trail.
The EMF’s most unstable
stable…