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Raptor’s theme music: Thinking
of things to say here is getting harder and harder... Click for
"Doperide" by Saliva |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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Primetime vs Jarred vs Raptor [c] |
The wWo, a couple of |
Primetime,
Jarred, their nWo
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World (1, Current), Intercontinental (1) Extreme (1) |
12-5-3 |
Okay, to cut this short, Jarred,
Primetime and Raptor hate each other, and they want to take Raptor’s title
away. What more do you need to know?!
Our scene opens with Raptor bashing the shit
out of Big Boss Man, who is wearing a Primetime mask. He punches him over and
over and over, and puts him in his new submission finisher, the atomic wedgie.
Boss Man taps, and Raptor grabs a steel chair. He runs up to Boss Man, and
smashes him over the head, then again, and again, then hits him over the back.
Then he kicks Boss Man while he’s down for good measure.
Raptor: Wow!
Thanks for helping me train for my match this week, Boss man!
Boss Man groans and passes out in a pool of his own dribble. Hobo walks in, stepping on Boss Man’s head on the way, and walks up to Raptor.
Hobo: Hey man… Some guy rang while you were
training. He called himself “you-know-who” and he wants you to meet him at the
“wink-wink” to discuss the “investigation”.
Raptor: Oh
goodie! I was hoping I’d get that call this week! Quick, you can come with,
we’ll pick up the others on the way there!
Hobo starts to hulk up as he and Raptor
run to the Raptor-Mobile. As they speed off, they “accidentally” reverse over
Big Boss Man, leaving tire marks on his face.
Later
that Day…
The Raptor Mobile pulls up outside
Raptor’s house. Raptor and Hobo hop out, and realize they dragged Boss Man this
whole way because his t-shirt got caught on the exhaust pipe. They ignore his
cries for help and Raptor kicks the door down, then they run inside, where Toby
and Wasabi are playing “pin the dick on Primetime’s head” and Rachel is
throwing darts at a darts board with Jarred’s face pinned to it.
Wasabi: *spinning a blindfolded Toby around* Round and round and round we go, where
we stop, nobody knows! Now, make Primetime look like even MORE of a dickhead!
Raptor: Guys,
there’s something you need to see! Come with me, quickly!
Toby: Huh?
What is it?
Hobo: He wants
you guys to see the “investigation” at the “wink wink”
Raptor: There’s
no time for questions… Wait a second? Pin the dick on Primetime’s head?! I LOVE
THIS GAME!
Half
an hour later
We see many, many penises on Primetime’s
head, and Raptor and Toby laugh at him. Raptor looks at his watch, and
remembers he was supposed to go to the “wink wink” to discuss the
“investigation”. So he grabs everyone else, they jump in the Raptor mobile and
drive off.
Another
half hour later
They arrive at the “wink wink”. Which
happens to be the CIA headquarters. Raptor gets out of the car, and goes to
kick the door down, but realizes it’s the CIA and he’d better not. He pushes
the doorbell instead and Agent Mully answers the door…
Raptor: MULLY!!!
Agent Mully: Long
time no see, Raptor!
Raptor: I
see they’ve re-assigned you from the DEF files…
Agent Mully: Yeah,
after he retired we had nothing to do except play “pin the dick on primetime’s
head”. Ah well, follow me, quickly, I’ve got to show you the progress we’ve
made on the “investigation”
Wasabi: Let
me guess, the PRIMETIME files?
Raptor: No,
I’m not so cheap that I re-use the same idea twice. Come on, this is huge.
They walk into a sterile room, containing nothing but a table, and a record player…
Raptor: Finally… the answer to life’s greatest
question.
Agent Mully: Why does Primetime always win his matches,
when his promos are so crap…
Hobo: Okay, well, that’s great, but what has
that record player got to do with it?
Agent Mully: Watch. This is a recording of “Snap your
fingers, snap your neck”…
Raptor: Primetime’s entrance music!
Agent Mully puts the record on, and sets
it spinning. The record seems to be a “normal” recording of the song.
Toby: You know… I think Primetime is kinda cool…
Raptor: Actually, now that you mention it, so do
I! Wait a second… NO I DON’T!
Agent Mully: Yes, you’ve been tricked. It seems like a
normal recording… but WATCH!
She stops the record with her hand, and
starts spinning it backwards… The lyrics from the song are suddenly warped to:
You Love Primetime! You DO! You Love
Primetime! Primetime is a god! His last promo was his BEST EVER! And so was the
one before that! YOU LOVE PRIMETIME! YOU DO! None of his promos are boring. And…
Kevin Kelly is your soulmate!
The wWo stand there, looking shocked…
Wasabi: OH MY GOD! So THAT’S how he does it!
Hobo: Subliminal Advertising!!!! I hate him so
much!
Raptor: What about the OTHER investigation…
Agent Mully: Ah… well… We’ve had a little trouble with
that one.
Toby: Oh god, what’s THIS test?
Agent Mully: A DNA test to see whether Jarred really IS
the grandson of the Devil. The only trouble is we haven’t been able to obtain
any Jarred DNA.
Raptor: Damn! Mully, do you CIA guys have any
promoing equipment?
Agent Mully: *Sarcastic* Why yes, us CIA guys always promo against
each other. *end
sarcasm* Why the fuck
would we?
Raptor: I dunno, you’re investigating the EMF,
which is completely unnecessary, plus you’ve been playing “pin the dick on
primetime’s head” so I assumed.
Agent Mully: Oh, wait… I do have a sony handicam.
Hobo: Awesine! Let’s do this.
Hobo grabs the Sony Handicam of Agent
Mully and Raptor gets ready to promo
Raptor: I don’t love Primetime. It’s true. In
fact, I really hate Primetime. It’s not a fact I hide. And he obviously doesn’t
hide the fact he hates me…
*Agent Mully plays the tape that has
Primetime saying “I hate Raptor!”*
Raptor: You see… and it’s not like Jarred and I
don’t have our history, either. Last month, I kicked his ass, after 3 stages of
a cold hell, to become the man who will forever be known as the man who broke
the “first PPV defense” curse. But I need to show the world that last month at
Cold Day in Hell it wasn’t a fluke. Oh no. I didn’t need Badd Boy’s help, nor
did I want it. It’s my time to show that I finally can beat you, Primetime. And
I know I can. I’ve already proven I can beat Jarred, the world’s dumbest CEO.
Honestly, the nWo has gone down the toilet since Jarred took over. And
Primetime wants the nWo back, doesn’t he? Didn’t he say HE was the leader? So
which one of you IS the leader?
Man, if I were you Jarred, I wouldn’t be so quick as to assume
leadership of the nWo. I mean, look at it… It’s the EMF’s biggest piece of shit
stable since… since… man, I can’t think of something to compare it to, it’s so
shit. I mean, ever since you… “Took Control”, NWO has been a group of Jobbers
helping each other deal with losses. With the exception of Rob Steelheart, who
is going to lose his title after only a week anyway, thanks to the Sabi Man.
Wasabi: Damn
Skippy, Hippy!
Raptor: My
point is, you two fighting over the nWo is like two desperate Hobo’s fighting
over monopoly money- Fighting over something that’s not worth fighting for!
But you’re right on one point, Jarred… And that’s this: Primetime
doesn’t deserve shit, because he hasn’t been around. Why should Primetime, a
man that only shows up to fight once every two months, get the best title in
the business, when people who work hard all week every week for this company
get nothing? You couldn’t be more right on that. Primetime, you didn’t earn
this shot. But it’s not like Primetime to EARN something, is it?! That’s not the
Primetime way! NO! You weasled your way into this shot, just like Jarred.
Jarred didn’t earn this shot either, he gave himself this shot! There was no
Number 1 contendership match for either of you!
People call my World title run a fluke?! I defeated Wasabi for
this shot. I defeated Def Metal for this shot. I defeated Def and Matt Dragon
for this title, and then Jarred! Tell me THAT isn’t deserving. Who did you
defeat for your shot Primetime? Noone! Who did Jarred defeat for this shot? NO
ONE! You cheap shits are getting a shot over men who deserve it. Such as Big
Mastadon.
Now that I think of it, why isn’t Big Mastadon in the Hall of
Fame yet?
Wasabi: You
know that’s a question I’ve been wondering about for quite a while.
Raptor: But
I digress. Primetime, the sheer fact that you haven’t been here for the last
month just makes me hate you more, DESPITE that cheap advertising in your theme
song! Nothing in this world could make me like you. From the time you ended my
winning streak and took my extreme title, to today. And Jarred. Jarred, we all
know how you are the wWo’s bitch. You’ve jobbed to us more times than Wes has
jobbe- actually, no you haven’t. But you’ve Jobbed to the wWo fuckin heaps.
From the Death Cell with Wasabi, to the TLC with Wasabi, to the 3 stages of
Hell match with me.
Wait a second… notice a pattern? MY GOD, JARRED! This will be
your first NON-GIMMICKED MATCH, EVER! WOW! Good for you, son! Good for you! You’re
still going to lose.
My title reign is far from over, gentlemen. This is just another
win to prove that I am the best this federation has to offer. My win last month
was no fluke. My title reign is not a fluke. And I am not the joke you think I am.
And I’m finally going to beat that message into you two, and even if I have to
beat you within an inch of your life, I’ll do it. It’s a lesson you’re gonna
have to learn.
Because just like Big Bird, I’M TAKING YOUR ASS TO SCHOOL!
The Raptor is on the Rampage, gentlemen, and you’re standing smack
bang in the middle of my game trail.
Wasabi: What,
you’re not gonna finish with “YA MUM!”?
Rachel: Shut
up! *Hits Wasabi*
Raptor: YA
MUM!
Rachel: YOU
TOO! *Hits Raptor*
Raptor: OW!
That wasn’t the end, anyway! Wait… yes it was. Oh well.
The EMF’s most unstable stable…