An Announcement
(Not
to be confused with An Arkie, which is in a completely different order of
things)
Our scene
opens with Raptor staring straight at the camera. There is a black backdrop in the
background, and he talks in a solemn tone.
Raptor-
Hey Yo.
*Pauses for no
reason*
Yes. I am here
to announce two things. But before that, I wish to thank everyone who has ever
met me for no apparent reason. Then, I would like to pull a Russell Crowe, and
read a poem.
*Clears throat*
There once was
a man from kentucket.
There was a
hole in a bucket and he…
In fact,
forget that.
Okay, Here it
is.
From now on, I
am an all-new, *Pauses for
effect* official member of
the wWo!
Balloons drop from the roof, streamers fly everywhere, and the
camera zooms out and we see Wasabi, Edge, Christian and Hobo standing next to
Raptor, holding sparklers.
Wasabi- Well, it was going to happen some time.
So, the wWo grows to five members. And we will hold even more gold.
Hobo- Damn straight! Even though I already
own Fort Knox.
Edge- What the hell? What?
Hobo- It’s where the US government USED to keep
all of their gold. Now it’s where I keep my spare change.
Christian- Totally sweet.
Raptor- I know, it totally rocks. But there is
something else I need to announce.
The other members of the wWo look puzzled, including Wasabi
Raptor- Wasabi mentioned that we will hold
more gold. That’s right. Because, this week, at Return of an Era, I get a shot
at the extreme title!!!!!!!!
The wWo look even more puzzled.
Wasabi- What!? YOU are the Mystery Dude?
Raptor- Oh hell yeah! I was just screwing with
Cobra, letting him know what I can do.
Edge- Sweeet!
More balloons drop from the ceiling and music starts playing. The
backdrop is lifted, and we see that they are at a party at hobo’s place!
Raptor- Well dudes, I can’t wait for my first
match as a member of the wWo. And of course, I won’t let you down. I haven’t
lost 1 match in the EMF yet! But right now, I gotta roll. I’ll be back soon.
As he walks off, Wasabi finally works out what is going on a screams
“Yay!”. Raptor walks straight past the “Hobo’s house and Part Time Casino” sign
and hops in his convertible, driving off.
Later that night
Raptor arrives at his apartment to find it totally trashed. There
is graffiti on the walls, and there is dead dog on the front step… Raptor
pauses to think why a dog would be on his step, considering he doesn’t have a
dog…Then he walks in and sees Jessica, his lady friend (or fuck buddy, take
your pick) lying on the ground, covered in blood, with her cranium missing and
bits of brain sticking out of her head. Raptor screams with horror, and calls
the cops.
Raptor- Oh my god!! This was
Angelus I bet! Dear god!!!! OH no! I got blood on my pants!
Jessica *standing up*- Are you talking to
yourself?
Raptor- Holy shit! What the?
You’re alive!!!!!!
Jessica- What? I’m alive?
OOOOHHH… The blood and guts thing… Sorry about that. No angelus hasn’t been
around, he’s probably hanging out with his evil clown troop, juggling with
castrated cow testicles and swallowing dog feces for laughs. I’m making an
amateur film! Billy Bob and Sven the camera men are helping me. Its called
“Eyelids in Paris”
Billy Bob and Sven walk out from the next room.
Sven *looking proudly at
Raptor*- I thought of that name! *He smiles and giggles*
Billy Bob- We got some more cut
up fish guts for your head Jessica
Raptor- Jesus! That stuff is
festy!
Sven- Some would say *Quotation Fingers* “Extremely” festy
Billy Bob- My friend here is
trying to tell you that he saw your announcement.
Raptor- My friend, you just
gave me one hell of an idea!
Jessica- Wait! Don’t you wanna (CENSORED) before you go?
Raptor- Wash of the fish guts
and I’ll think about it when I get home!
He jumps in the convertible again, and rings the EMF, letting him
know that he would be at the arena soon, since one of his hometowns is
Philadelphia.
Even Later that night
The EMF cameras are at the Arena, and we see Michael Cole
awaiting the Impending arrival of Raptor. All of a sudden, a Massive Cement
truck comes rambling past the camera in reverse. It backs right up to a
convertible that has a Hardcore Timmay signed picture in the front seat, and a
license plate that says “HCT” The camera takes a quick look at inside the
vehicle, and we see a diary that Michael Cole grabs. The cement truck starts
spinning, and Michael Cole holds his nose in disgust from the awful smell.
Suddenly, fish guts start flying out of the Truck, all over the fine leather
upholstery and all over Timmay’s signed picture of himself. Raptor hops out of
the truck and walks over to Cole, all the while the fish guts are still
dropping into the car.
Cole- Oh my god! Raptor!
Raptor! Why are you doing this?
Raptor- Why do you think Cole?
Not the brightest star in the sky tonight are we?
Cole- Ohhh! The extreme
title match right?
Raptor- Now you’re catching
on! Just letting Timmay know what he’ll look like when I’m finished with him!
Cole- What about Angelus?
Raptor- What? Orgasmic Pain
dude? Well, the way he says he loves pain, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t
already look like this by the time we get to him. He probably flies to L.A.
just to run onto the highway into oncoming traffic or something.
Cole- Well I think Angelus
is a little more threatening than you think…
Raptor- Threatening?! Ha! The
guy’s face looks like something from the Looney Toons! Honestly, I seriously
think the guy is a moron trying to look smart! And the way he constantly
reminds you of his moves! Honestly! If he does it again, Hobo will hit the
“Hobo-can-rana” on him, or “the Money Shot” or “Take This Hippy” or I will hit
“The Sharpclaw Impaler” or Wasabi will hit the “Hangtime”
See how stupid it
looks?
Cole- Almost as stupid as
CaRnAge writes his name?
Raptor- Oh yeah! And HCT? I’m not
going to do the initial thing, since Wasabi completely overused that, but I
will say this…
He spots the diary Cole picked up.
Raptor- Gimmie that! *Reads inside aloud* Dear Diary… Last night
I saw Raptor on TV again… I wish I was more like him, he’s so cool. And I wish
I was friends with Wasabi. Oh well. This week I fight Angelus and some other
guy…
What the fuck is this?
What, is he in 2nd grade or something? And some other guy… I thought
you said you knew who the mystery man was…
*He starts singing*
Liar, Liar, your pants
are on fire!
*Michael Cole just
laughs*
No, Cole, I’m serious,
your pants are on fire!
Michael Cole looks down to see that his pants are actually on
fire. He runs around screaming, then jumps in the pile of fish gutsto put the
flame out. Raptor picks up the Mic and begins talking.
Raptor- Okay, here’s the deal,
so listen up all. I’m undefeated here in the EMF. I’ve already beaten Angelus’
clone Phantom, HCT, then the both of them together. And I’m not going to start
losing now. So since I’ve already beaten HCT twice, he’s not my problem. But
hey, props to guy, he tries hard. He’s a little full of himself, but still, he
tries. *mumbling* Maybe too hard. But anyway, I look forward to getting in the
ring with him. What I’m worried about is Angelus. Yeah.
You heard me right.
I’m worried.
I’m worried that, at
the rate he is going, he probably will be dead by Sunday anyway. He gets
orgasms from pain? I mean he probably sits at home all week long, preparing for
the match by slitting his wrists and stabbing himself. Kinda like a teenage boy
who sits at home masturbating all week, just with a knife. Maybe he has a
second job as a Hollywood stunt double. Even though he could only pass as a
double for Darth Maul on a hot day. But still, I can just imagine him, about to
take a big 100 foot fall, and just so he can sprog himself, he lets the air out
of the landing pad. He lands on the ground, screaming “Oooohh yeah, baby,
that’s the stuff!”
He’s a fucking freak,
that’s what I’m trying to get across. But still, I won’t take him too lightly…
Well, I will if he has a wet patch on his wrestling tights, but anyway. And I won’t
take Timmay too lightly, he puts up a fight every time. And frankly, when he
wants to get hardcore, he can… Hence the name- Hardcore Timmay… Duh! But this
isn’t a Hardcore match- No no no no! Its an “Extreme” Match, so how will he
fare?
Cole *emerging from the pile
of fish innards*- They’re no different numb nuts!
Raptor- Shut up Cole, you’re
on fire again.
The camera spins around to see Michael Cole rolling around
in carp intestines trying to put out the strange spontaneous combustions.
Raptor- That’s right; It aint
no “Hardcore” Match. It’s an Extreme Match. And I can get extreme with the best
of them. You remember our first match don’t you Timmay? It had extreme rules.
After I hit the “Sharpclaw Impaler”… Oh wait, sorry, going down the Angelus road.
Anyway the point is Timmay, I beat you, fair and square, in a no DQ match. I’ve
done it once, and I’ll do it again! I Proved that the Claw is truly mightier
than the Bong… Twice! So be prepared. The Raptor is going to snatch up all the
gold. Nothing will stop me from getting my grubby paws on that title. Not some
fucked up clown who sits at home getting off on his bondage fetish, and not
some stoner who I’ve already beaten twice. No way. So, whether it is Angelus or
Timmay I pin to the mat this Sunday, It doesn’t matter. I don’t care who I
beat; all I care about is the actually beating. And you know I will destroy
you. All the fans know I will *Raptor rocks chants start up* Michael “Fire me!”
Cole knows it *Cole is heard screaming in the background* And I know it. So,
since we all agree, I think I’ll go chill at a Party. I’ll see you round
Timmay. Hopefully I won’t see Angelus’ ugly mug around… Christ his breath
stinks! So, see you this Sunday at return of an era. You will see how truly
sharp my claws can be, and how truly deep they can sink into flesh. And I’m
sure Angelus can’t wait for it. Just remember Angelus. Don’t forget to bring
something to clean any bodily fluids you “ejaculate” during the torture
section. Because if you get any of that evil clown semen on my wrestling gear,
I’ll be really pissed off!
He walks towards the Cement Truck, and
gets back in. He drives off, then realizes that Michael Cole’s jacket is caught
on the Slide. He stops, gets out and unhooks the jacket, and drives off.