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Raptor’s theme music: There
may be a new Layout, but sadly, no new theme. oh well Click for
"Doperide" by Saliva |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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Matt Dragon vs. Def Metal vs. Raptor |
The wWo, Big Press Man |
Matt
Dragon, Def Metal
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Attitude World (2 and Last Ever) Extreme (1) |
9-5-2 |
Well, Raptor’s finally getting a shot at
the top gold. The chance to prove he’s the top shit around the EMF. (Which we
all know anyway, but hey, the gold re-assures that!). And after last week’s
draw with Def Metal, it’s become everyone’s favorite match, a three way! Yay!
Somebody shoot me. But anyway, it’s going to be a doozy, and thanks to the
sacred “first PPV defense” curse, Matt Dragon is sure to lose his title! YAY
(again)! Oh well, on with the promo, as they say.
The scene opens with Raptor, standing in
front of an eager wWo. They are all standing around a TV, obviously waiting,
with baited breath, to see what Raptor will unveil.
Raptor: Okay- Here it is! Watch THIS!
He pushes play on the TV remote, and a
screen comes up, saying “This message brought to you by Raptor”
It fades to black, and then some footage,
of what looks to be a hospital plays as a voice over comes up…
Narrator: “Pathetically Helpless Acres”. Your
choice in aged care. Whether you’re retiring for the first time…
Raptor: *Cough* Def Metal *Cough*
Narrator: Or retiring for the tenth time…
Raptor: *Cough* Matt Dragon *Cough*
Narrator: Here at “Pathetically Helpless Acres”
we try to take care of our elderly and incoherent retirees. And after a long
and hardy career, why not? We have only the best facilities, and the best
staff- Whether you’ve started to wet yourself or you’ve become so senile you
think your granddaughter is a ride on lawnmower, whatever your ailment, we’ll
make it all better at “Pathetically Helpless Acres”, your choice in aged care.
The commercial fades out with an image of
a smiling nurse changing a old man’s bedpan, then cuts to Raptor, smiling at
the camera…
Raptor (on
the tape): Like that
boys? There’s another place down the street called “Craptown” but I thought the
more luxurious one would suit you better, you old codgers! Hurry up and retire-
You know that title will be mine on Sunday either way!!!
The tape goes to static, and the camera spins around to look at Raptor (the real one this time)
Raptor: Whadda ya think? I’m going to mail it to
Dragon and Defy. And now that I’ve got my usual pre-match taunting of my
opponents out of the way, I can just relax for the week, and get ready for the
match! Well? Thoughts?
Hobo: I think that’s where HBK’s gone right now-
He sure thought Natashia was a ride on lawnmower…
Rachel: I think it’s sweet that you’re helping
Def Dragon and Matt Metal to find a retirement home…
Everyone gives Rachel that “what the fuck?” look…
Wasabi: I think you should see a doctor about
that cough, Raptor- We don’t want you sick for the big match…
Now everyone just looks at Wasabi as if to say… “What the?!”. Raptor pulls Hobo aside, quickly…
Raptor: What do those two smoke in their spare
time?
Hobo: I dunno man, but damn, if it’s as good as
Hirok… err… Timmay said it is, then I’m getting some!
Toby: So you’re just gonna relax for the rest of
the week?
Raptor: Yeah, why not… I might go down to the
gym now, then I’ve booked a luxury hotel suite later on, I’ll just go there.
Aww, I can’t wait for this match sooo much- It’s time for me to prove what I
can do- That I really am as good as they say I am! Tobes… This is my chance-
It’s great! I get to face two great, if not a little under the weather,
opponents, in the match of my lifetime! If I can hold that belt…. Aww, it’s
fantastic… Aight, well, I’m going down to the gym, I’ll see you soon.
He wanders out of the room, after
ejecting the tape, so he can mail it to Matt Dragon and Def Metal.
Later
that day
Our scene comes back, with Raptor,
finishing up at the gym. He’s just showered, and we can see, on a bench across
the room, the video tape. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and there are thousands
of paparazzi and media moguls, screaming and yelling at Raptor, wanting an
interview about Sunday’s big match up.
Big Press Man: Raptor?! Raptor!? Can I get your thoughts
on your opponents?
Raptor: Sure man, why not? I think they’re both at
the end of their careers. I think it’s useless for them to bother trying to win
the world title- Neither of them need it- Defy’s going out, and Dragon’s
practically finished. I’m the man that needs to win, I’m the man that wants to
win, and I’m the man that’s GOING to win.
Big Press Man: Uh huh… And how do you feel about Def Metal
and Matt Dragon?
Raptor: Umm… Weird… I think they’re both very
talented. I’ve faced Def Metal many, many a time, and we’ve both had our wins
and losses against each other- We’re very evenly matched up. And Matt Dragon-
I’ve heard heaps of stories about him. He sure was a legend back in his day.
But now is not his day- Now is MY day. Matt Dragon is washed up. He’s past his
prime, and his career is flailing. He’s only the world champion because
Primetime LET him be the world champion. Well, now I’ll prove that he isn’t
deserving. And I know I can beat him, too- Def Metal’s beaten him, and I’ve
beaten Def Metal, so technically, that means I can beat Matt Dragon. So I can
beat both of these guys, it’s not a problem for me.
Big Press Man: Yes… And what about your thoughts on the
two men you’ll be facing on Sunday?
He continues to answer their redundant,
boring and Kevin Kelly like questions for half an hour or so, before they leave…
But when they do, Raptor realizes something bad… He looks over to the bench
where the tape was, and…
Uh oh…
It’s gone!!!!
Raptor: Where’s
the tape? Where is IT!?
Later
that day
We see Raptor running up to Hobo’s
mansion, kicking the doors down, and running in. The wWo are sitting on the
couch, staring at the TV, dumbfounded. Raptor doesn’t seem to pay attention to
them though…
Raptor: Where’s
the tape? Did I leave the tape here?
Hobo: Shit
Man.
Toby: Hey!!!
That’s my one and only line, I’ll thank YOU not to steal it!!!
Hobo: Oh…
Sorry.
Wasabi: No
man, you didn’t leave it here… But look- I know where it is.
The camera spins around to look at the television, to see a news reporter…
Big Press Man: And
yes, it has been revealed, right here, on ANN news live, that the world title
contender, Raptor, hates elderly people. After damning evidence was found at
his gym today, John Bashemgood, Senator for Contact Sports, said he’d be
looking into the competitor, and maybe suspending him from competing in this
country till he takes back his remarks.
The camera spins back around to Raptor,
who is shocked, and stunned (is that a tautology? Did I just say the same thing
twice?)
Raptor: Aww
shit… What Remarks? I didn’t make any remarks!!!!!
He pulls out a cellphone and dials a number, as the scene fades to black
Later
that day (again!)
We see Raptor meeting the Big Press Man
outside Hobo’s mansion, on the front lawn. They shake hands briefly, then
continue on inside, talking all the way…
Raptor: You
see, it’s all a big misunderstanding!!!! I don’t hate all elderly people, just
these two guys I’m facing on Sunday!! Plus they’re not that old anyway!!!
They’re not really elderly, they’re just retiring!
Big Press Man: Yes,
well, thank you for calling- I’m sure we can fix this all up with a quick
interview.
Raptor: Is
here good for an interview?
Big Press Man: Yep,
sure is. Okay, let’s start… Is there anything you’d like to start off with?
Raptor: YES!
I’d like to start off by saying I don’t hate ALL elderly people! I just hate
these two guys I’m facing on the weekend, that’s all! I never said any
derogatory remarks- I never said they smell, they drool and they should all be
put down! I didn’t say anything like that. All I said was… in fact, I didn’t
really say anything-
Hobo walks up to a table behind Raptor,
puts down his wallet and his jewelry, yells “Hi Mom”, waves at the camera, and
walks off…
I’m careful about these
things too- I make sure never to remark about black people, or gay people, or
Jewish people, or anyone.
All I said was Matt Dragon and Def Metal are Smelly old codgers
and they should rot in hell, because I hate them, and I think they smell like
an musky old ride on lawnmower.
Hobo walks past nude in the background for no apparent reason
Big Press Man: Hmm…
That should be enough- Thank you, Raptor.
Raptor walks off, hopeful that the
interview will do him some good as the scene fades out…
Later
that day (oh my god, again?!)
Now, we see Raptor greeting the Senator
for Contact Sports, Senator John Bashemgood, outside Hobo’s mansion.
Raptor: …So
anyway, I don’t think being suspended is right- I mean, I didn’t say much at
all, it was just a little prank for my opponents!
John Bashemgood: Yes, well, that’s all well and good, but it gives wrestling a
bad name- We don’t want any more bad publicity after that expose on Unreal and
his “fetish”
Raptor: Unreal…. *shudders* Listen
man, I don’t think it’s fair, that’s all- I don’t want to be suspended-
Especially when it’s my biggest match ever coming up! I didn’t really say
ANYTHING- I don’t know where they got all this from!
John Bashemgood: Yes well, you may have not said anything at all, but the public
sure thinks you have- And I need to satisfy the pub-
He’s interrupted by Hobo, sitting in the nude on the couch, turning up the television…
John
Bashemgood: Is that
normal?
Hobo: Hey hey! This is MY home, I’m allowed to
be naked. And I’ll thank YOU not to stare. Now check this out- Look! Raptor’s
on TV!
Wasabi: OOH! Turn it up!
Raptor (On TV): Smelly old codgers should rot in hell, because I hate them, and I
think they smell like a musky old ride on lawnmower. That’s all. All I said was
I hate ALL elderly people and ALL Jewish people. YES! ALL. They smell, they
drool, and they should all be put down! So do black people, gay people too!
They should ALL be put down.
Big Press Man: So
there you have it- The chilling confession- Raptor- An entertainer, or a
politically incorrect, racist, anti-gay, anti-jew communist? You decide… We’ve got
a poll- If you think Raptor is evil, call 1 900 YES. That’s 1 900 YES. If you
think he’s right, call 1 900 IMASTUPIDFREAKINIDIOTANDSOMEBODYSHOOTMENOW
Thank you.
The camera spins around to see John
Bashemgood outraged, and Raptor stunned…
Raptor (real one now): No! No! I didn’t say that!!! I DIDN’T!!!
John Bashemgood: Hmmph!!! Say GOODBYE to your world title shot, Mr. Raptor- You
will no longer legally be allowed to compete in this country!!!!! I’ll be
contacting Prez Mike and asking him to change the card!
He storms off, as Raptor yells after him…
Raptor: I DIDN’T
SAY THAT!!!
Wasabi: Hey Hobo, what’s that really long
number for that poll?
Raptor: You don’t think I’m bad? I knew you guys
would stick by me! It’s 1 900 IMAFUCKINMORO… no, that’s not right…
Wasabi: No, the OTHER really long one. The YES
one.
Hobo: 1 900 YES? I’ve already called 3 times!
Wasabi: Hey whats up with you, Raptor- You used
to be cool, man…
Raptor: I didn’t say it!!! I didn’t!!!!!!
Wasabi: *holding the phone* Sure… Sure… We believe you. What was that number again
Hobo? 1 900…
Our scene closes, with Raptor realizing he may never get that world title shot he so desperately wanted…
To be continued…
The
EMF’s most unstable stable…