Raptor’s theme music:

The world's NEWEST Christmas carol. Click for "Doperide" by Saliva

 

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Record

Def Metal v Raptor v Jarred v Primetime [C]
EMF World Championship

The wWo, Def Metal,
the couch

SANTA! YAY! Rudolph, oh, and my opponents, the usual.

World (1), Intercontinental (1)
Attitude World (2+Last Ever)
Extreme (1), Tag (1, Current)

14-6-3

 

Well, the background of this promo goes way back to when Jesus was born, on December 25th. The angel Gabriel came to the Virgin Mary… *fades out*

 

 *fades back in 5000 words later* …so that’s the background to this Christmas promo.

 

Oh, you want the background to my match, not the Christmas tradition? Well, Raptor is in a match with Def Metal and Primetime and Jarred. But it’s Christmas, so let’s try and take our minds off the big match for a little bit, shall we?

 

T’was a quiet Christmas night, inside of Raptor’s house. No living thing was stirring, not even a small mouse.

For Santa Claus was coming, “ho”-ing all the way, making people happy, and making people gay.

 

(I know what half of you are thinking now and it’s not pretty. I don’t mean gay in THAT way)

 

Young Toby and the Hobo, are sleeping on the couch, awaiting Santa’s arrival, for more presents they can vouch.

For what they do not realize, they cannot really know, is Santa Claus is not real, and he’ll never show.

Raptor sneaks right past them, to deliver Santa’s gifts, and knocks over a lamp, smashing it to bits.

He cringes at the noise, and hopes they didn’t wake. And luckily for him, they did not hear it break.

He places all the bright gifts, under the Christmas tree, and tries to sneak away, hoping the gifts give glee.

But then Raptor fucked up again, what a stupid ass, he waved his arm the wrong way, and shattered Toby’s glass!

This time Toby wakes up, and so does Hobo, and they look up, shocked at Raptor, not sure if Santa’s shown.

 

Raptor: *Mumbling* Crap.

 

Toby: *sleepily* …Dad? Is that you?

 

Raptor: err… umm… Hi there son!

 

Hobo: What are you doing?! Where’s Santa?

 

Raptor: Umm… I just saw him, yeah… hah, that’s right. I just saw him jump up the chimney stack, and I was trying to catch him. Yeah. That’s what I was doing… err… Now go back to sleep.

 

Hobo: I can’t sleep… I wanna see my presents! PRESENTS!

 

Raptor: Umm… you can’t see your presents… wait! Hobo, wait!

 

Hobo: PRESENTS!!!!! YAY!

 

Hobo dived into his stocking, digging in deep, searching around, but Santa was cheap!

The stocking was empty, as was hobo’s heart, when he reached in, and pulled out the card,

A card, reading a fateful banter, “Dear Hobo, I owe you one present, from Santa”

 

Hobo: THAT CHEAPASS!

 

The Hobo cried, as his cheerful Christmas spirit died…

 

Hobo: He’ll pay. I’ll kill him, I will. Trust me, he’s dead.

 

Wait a minute… Santa? Dead? but Hobo you’re rich, just buy stuff instead!

 

Hobo: Shut up, stupid narrator. Quit your crappy Planet Stasiak-ish rhyming!

 

Planet Stasiak Rhyming? Oh no. No, Hell no!, I was trying for Dr. Seuss, thank you, Hobo!

I’m telling the story, I’m having a go, now play along, you stupid crack-ho.

 

Hobo: GODDAMN YOU!

 

And out of the room, the Hobo ran, off to kill Santa, and the narrator man.

 

Toby: Why did you give us IOUs for Christmas?

 

Raptor: I didn’t, it was Santa!

 

Toby: Oh don’t be stupid, I don’t believe in Santa, I was just playing along so I didn’t upset Hobo.

 

Raptor: Well… I kind of don’t get paid that much, now that I lost the world title… and…

 

Toby: and?

 

Raptor: I accidentally spent all of our Christmas money on a barbeque!

 

Toby: Accidentally?! BARBEQUE!!?!?! Why would you spend our Christmas money on a BARBEQUE?!

Raptor: Well, I’m an Australian right? Well, it’s an Australian tradition to have a barbeque on Christmas and-

 

Toby: FUCKING AUSTRALIANS!

 

Raptor: What?

 

Toby: It’s winter over here in America, we can’t have a barbeque!

 

Late in the evening, they continued to fight, as Hobo went hunting, for Santa, that night.

 

That fateful morning…

 

After 5 hours of hunting, the Hobo gave up. He fought Rudolph’s red nose, and got beaten up.

Raptor and Toby, had fallen asleep, completely forgetting, that Raptor was cheap,

And now it was midday, on Christmas day, and Barbeque lunch guests, were on their way.


Raptor: Oh shit! Toby! Hobo! Wake up!

 

Toby: *Groggily* Huh? What?

 

Hobo: *Groan* God… that’s the last time I try and fight a reindeer!

 

Raptor: The guests are gonna arrive in 15 MINUTES!

 

Hobo: Guests?

 

Raptor: For the BARBEQUE!

 

So Raptor jumped up, running around, wiping the bench tops, vacuuming the ground…

 

Hobo: You think we should help him?

 

Toby: Hmm… nah.

 

Hark, and listen, pray tell… I think I just heard Raptor’s doorbell…

And so Toby got up, and walked up to the door, opening it wide, and guess who he saw???

 

Def Metal: Yeah, sorry I’m here early, I could only get a lift with my mum as she was going to work as an elf at the mall.

 

Raptor: *walking around the corner* Toby can you get that? Oh… heya Tag Partner!

 

Def Metal: Yeah well, we may be tag partners, but it doesn’t mean I won’t beat you on Sunday.

 

Raptor: Hahah, yeah yeah… well, since it’s Christmas, I can take a little friendly joking! *Walks off to keep cleaning*

 

Def Metal: I wasn’t joking.


But what’s that? The doorbell again? Raptor came back, and got a shock, when…

 

Jericho: Guess who’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack?!

 

Toby: JERICHO!

 

Angelica: Don’t forget me!

 

Toby: Oh, yeah, hi angelica… but Uncle JERICHO!

 

Toby runs up and gives Uncle Jericho a big hug.

 

Toby: Where’ve you been?

 

Angelica: ahh we felt like going on vacation, and forgot to tell anyone we were leaving.

 

Hobo: Oh… oh well, welcome home, and Merry Christmas! When everyone else arrives we’re gonna be having a Barbeque!

 

Jericho: A barbeque in winter?

 

Toby: That’s what I said.

 

And so more guests arrived, from Couch to Couch, to Michael Cole and the Grouch.

 

Later that day still

 

All the guests now, are standing outside, freezing their butts off, with time to bide.

It had been half an hour, of trying so hard, to light the barbeque, and make the food charred,

But the gas pipe was frozen, halting their plans, the cold fucked up their lunch, and had frozen their hands.

 

Def Metal: Soooo HUNGRY!

 

Jericho: Come on, Rapy, we want food, man!

 

Toby: I told you barbequing in the middle of winder was a stupid idea!

 

Raptor: Come on, we’ll go inside!

 

Couch: Quickly, I think my toes are freezing off!

 

They march on inside, carrying the food, fling open the door, to see Angelica, lewd,

Sculling some booze, looking so tipsy, sculling some vodka, acting all ditsy.

 

Angelica: Oh, hi guys! I just found out a new meaning to the “Christmas Spirit”!

 

Jericho: *groan* Angelica!

 

And so Jericho took her away to throw up, and meanwhile Raptor and Defy were laughing it up.

 

Raptor: *While cooking the meat on the stove* Yeah, but I’m not worried about Primetime and Jarred, I’ve beaten them heaps of times before.

 

Def Metal: Oh yeah? What about me?

 

Raptor: Oh, we all know I can beat you.

 

Def Metal: Oh really, Mr. Smarty pants! I believe our record is 2 wins each and 1 tie!

 

Raptor: Yeah, so I’ve beaten you 2 times!

 

Def Metal: Yeah, but I’ve beaten you 2 times too!

 

Raptor: So I guess this is the decider then.

 

Def Metal: I guess it is!

 

Toby: Oh will you guys PLEASE stop thinking about the match, it’s Christmas day for Christ’s sake, just have some fun!

                                                                                                  

Raptor: Oh, I am having fun. Having lots of fun, telling Def how much I’ll beat him.

 

Def Metal: BULLSHIT you’ll beat me! I’ll crush you’re hand again. Remember that? I crushed your hand! I did! And I enjoyed it!

 

Raptor: Hey Defy, I got a Christmas present for you.

 

Def Metal: What?

 

Raptor slapped Defy, and slapped him some more, stopping the party, and starting the war.
Defy jumped up, and punched Raptor’s face, but Rapy countered with a bottle of mace.

Defy was blinded, stumbling about, when Raptor looked up, and started to shout:

 

Raptor: FOOD FIGHT!

 

Unfortunatley for Raptor, what Defy did then, bashed him over the head, with a frozen hen.
Raptor got knocked over, stalling the bout, but when Defy checked him, having his doubts,
Raptor jumped up, surprising the man, biting his nose, doing what damage he can…
Then Hobo and Toby jumped between them, creating a fence, holding them back, and talking some sense

 

Toby: STOP IT! It’s Christmas time, damn it! Christmas! A time to be with family and friends, not to fight. It’s a time for love, not war. On this day, Jesus was born! Let’s celebrate, not destroy! Christmas isn’t a time for fighting, Christmas is a time for giving!

 

Raptor: You’re right. Christmas IS a time for giving.

 

It’s a time for giving DEF METAL A BROKEN NOSE! *Launches himself at Def again*  

 

And so the fight, continued once more, breaking some windows, kicking down doors,

Until the referees Raptor invited, sent Def Metal away, starting the quiet, calming the day.

 

Toby: Thank god that’s over.

 

Couch: Yeah I know, that was insane.

 

Raptor: Grrr… I’ll show him who’s crap…

 

Hobo: Raptor, Please! Calm down!

 

Raptor: NO! Couch, promo time!

 

Couch: But Raptor it’s Christmas and-

 

Raptor: NO BUTS! Promo time! NOW!

 

Toby: Dad NO! Don’t wreck the party!

 

Raptor: Promo.

 

And so the couch left, to prepare to promo, returning real soon, to start up the show.

 

Couch: *Wearing a Santa hat* Raptor, please, it’s Christmas. You shouldn’t be promoing.

 

Raptor: I said I’m promoing, and I mean it, Couch, start filming!

 

Couch: *Sigh* Fine. Well Raptor. It’s just a few days away. First Blood. How are you feeling?

 

Raptor: Aww I’m feeling great about it, Couch! It’s First Blood, and I’m in the main event! How many people have said I would amount to nothing? How many people thought, “Hey, this guy does comedy, he’s going nowhere”. And some people still don’t admit how far I’ve gotten. I had a HUGE main event feud with Def Metal. I’ve taken on Primetime. I’ve beaten Jarred so many times it’s not funny. And now, I’m in the main event at First Blood. So I’m feeling good.

 

Couch: And what about Def Metal? How does it feel, to have gone from enemy, to friend, then friend but you gotta beat him anyway?

 

Raptor: It’s fucking confusing, you know. The pressure gets to your friendships, that’s for sure. We may have been tag partners, but with a matchup of this magnitude, you gotta let loose. You can’t hold back because you’re friends with someone. If I stand back, and refuse to hit Def Metal, sooner or later he’s gonna jump me. Trust isn’t something you can afford to give in the ring. Def Metal is a top notch competitor, the only hall of famer in the match. And that’s funny, because he’s a hall of famer, yet he’s also the only man in this match to have NOT held a world title. So he’ll be the most hungry in the match. He’s taken on Primetime before, like me. And also like me, he hasn’t beaten him. We’ve got a few things in common, Def and I. But Def is the man I’m watching in this match… Out of all the opponents I have, I’ve got a feeling he’s the hungriest for the win. I’ll keep my eye on Def Metal. That’s for sure.

 

Couch: Then there’s Jarred. Tell us your thoughts on Jarred?

 

Raptor: Last week, in the tag title match, he put up the best fight I’ve ever seen him do. I’ve been in the ring with him more times than I care to remember, probably even more times than I’ve been in the ring with Def now. And that means I’ve been in there A LOT! But last week, there was something different about him. He’d changed his style, and for the better. He may be my bitch, and he will probably always BE the wWo’s bitch, but I’m watching this man too. Because I know he’s ready to pull it out and play with the big boys again, and I know he wants that title, bad. After a losing streak like his, who wouldn’t want the title. He needs to show the world a huge win to prove he can still hang with the big men. Jarred is coming to the table as a player, at First Blood, and I’ve gotta be ready for it.

 

Couch: And what of Primetime. The man you’ve taken on many times, but never beaten?

 

Raptor: My biggest Christmas wish is to finally beat Primetime. It’s become a goal of mine, ever since I took him on for the extreme title 3 times and lost every time. There’s nothing I want more than to beat this man. To know I can do it… If there is one reason I wrestle these days… it’s to beat Primetime. I crave a win over the man. I long to beat him, to show the world I can. He’s a hall of famer in the making, Primetime. He’s tied X-Cold for the amount of world title’s he’s held. That’s proof that he’s a legend in the making. There’s an aura around his name… Primetime… you say on the street “I’ve beaten Primetime”, and they know you’re something in this business. And there’s nothing that would be finer than to beat Primetime at First Blood. I’m making sure I’m ready for him. I’m studying up, I’m keeping fit, eating healthy, saying prayers, taking vitamins, abstaining, you name it, I’ve done it. Or not done it. Depending on which one keeps me healthier. As you can tell, I’m desperate for a win over the man.

 

Couch: Now this match is an elimination match. How do you think it’ll go?

 

Raptor: Well, personally, I’d love if it went like this. 1. Jarred, 2. Def, 3. Primetime. That would be my dream match. But elimination matches can go any way. Primetime could be eliminated first, then we’d be guaranteed a new champ. I could go first… god forbid. Def could go first, or Jarred. It just depends on who has their eyes open and their senses on high alert.

 

Couch: Now people are still saying that you can’t do it. That you can’t beat 3 superstars of such huge proportions. What do you say to that?

 

Raptor: I say bull-fucking-shit! I’ve beaten Def Metal a zillion times before. I’ve beaten Jarred twice however many time’s I’ve beaten Def. The only man I haven’t beaten is Primetime. And that’s all about to change, at First Blood. I plan on winning that title. On the greatest stage, I will win the biggest match, and take home, the biggest title. Showing the world, I am here to play.

 

Phew… Thanks for letting me vent my steam, Couch.

 

Couch: *Sigh* You mean the interview is over?!

 

Raptor: Yep.

 

Couch: Oh… thank god.

 

Couch falls back, onto a couch. Sitting there lazily, beginning to slouch.

 

Toby: Oh great. Great. You’re interviewing drove away all our guests. Now there’s only the wWo and couch. Great. Some party.

 

Jericho: Cheer up, Tobes.

 

Toby: Why should I? There’s nothing to be happy about. Today has been CRAP!

 

Jericho: No, you’ve got a reason to be happy. Hey everyone!!!! It’s time to give PRESENTS!

 

Hobo: PRESENTS! YAY!!!!!!!

 

Toby: That doesn’t make me happy. I won’t be getting any, because of Dad.

 

Raptor: Oh, I dunno… You and Hobo might want to go check out the front of the house.

 

And out of the house, Toby ran, running the way, as fast as he can.

And there he spotted, a fucking huge pile, of brightly wrapped presents, as high as a mile.

 

Toby: Wooooo-ho-ho-ho!!!!!!!!! BABY!

 

And we see inside, Raptor shaking Jericho’s hand, thanking him, for doing what he can.

 

Raptor: Thanks for taking the BBQ back and lending me some money.

 

Jericho: Hey, no problems. Thanks for using a fight and an interview to distract Toby while I snuck off. Oh, and I got something for you, too…

 

Jericho gives him a box, giving him glee, when he rips off the wrapping, excited to see:

 

Raptor: World Title polish and a title carrying bag?! Oh… thanks Jericho. *hugs an uneasy Jericho*

 

Jericho: You’d better beat those guys; I chucked the receipt out so if you don’t win the world title, we can’t return that stuff…

 

A fun afternoon, was had by all, giving, talking, and playing ball,

And when it’s all done, home friends had went, Raptor retired, going to bed.

But before he did so, doing something that meant, grabbing the camera, to let more steam vent.

 

Raptor: *sets up the camera in the corner of the room, and presses record*  First Blood. You know what I realized today? My real Christmas isn’t going to come until Sunday. While little children just stayed up all night last night, waiting for the morning, waiting for Christmas, I’m counting down the days to First Blood. MY Christmas. And Saturday night, I probably won’t sleep. I’ll be just like a little child, up all night, counting down the hours till I can race out of bed and get in that ring. That’ll be my Christmas day.

 

Shaking with anticipation…

 

Feeling nervous…


Standing behind that curtain, waiting for “Doperide” to hit, so can walk down that ramp and give that crowd the performance of a lifetime. Letting it rip, suplexing, punching, flying, running, letting loose, and not holding anything back. Showing the boys in the back. The boys in the ring. The people in the arena, the viewers at home, the whole damn world that I mean something. That I DO come to the table to play. That’s my real Christmas. Not today. Today wasn’t Christmas. No, Christmas is about giving, and receiving great presents. And I’ll be giving and receiving on Sunday.

 

And on Sunday, MY Christmas, I’ll be receiving the greatest present of all. The world title. Oh, but don’t think I’m stingy either. No, if it’s Christmas on Sunday, I’d better be giving. I’ll give Jarred a blood nose, Def a broken hand, Primetime a broken soul. I’ll hand out free suplexes for all. Hell, I’ll even throw in a bonus DDT, FREE! How generous I am. But hey… I guess it IS Christmas time.

 

I’m looking forward to beating Primetime, finally. Finally I can show him that I’m a main eventer, for sure. Finally I can show him I’m not a one trick pony. I’m also looking forward to beating Def Metal. Our record is 2 wins each and a tie… So this match is the decider. Whoever wins this match is the better mann! That’s another thing I can’t wait to do. Finally find out who the better man is between us.

 

My Christmas dream is closer and closer to coming true. Winning that world title. Finally defeating Primetime. Adding 1 to my score against Def Metal. Getting my world title back. It’s all getting closer. And I’m getting so excited!

 

So Jarred, Primetime and Def Metal… You’d better have my present ready, because I’ve sure got yours prepared. Because it’s 4 sleeps till First Blood.

 

It’s 4 sleeps till Christmas, baby.

 

And after finishing his ranting, he turned off the light, ending the promo, and starting the night.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE IN THE EMF!!!!!!

 

Merry Christmas from the EMF’s most unstable stable…