|
Raptor’s theme music: The
world's NEWEST Christmas carol. Click for "Doperide" by Saliva |
Upcoming Match
|
Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles
Held
|
Record
|
|
Def Metal v Raptor v Jarred v Primetime [C] |
The wWo, Def Metal, |
SANTA!
YAY! Rudolph, oh, and my opponents, the usual.
|
World (1), Intercontinental (1) |
14-6-3 |
Well, the background of this promo goes
way back to when Jesus was born, on December 25th. The angel Gabriel
came to the Virgin Mary… *fades out*
*fades back in 5000 words later* …so that’s the background to this
Christmas promo.
Oh, you want the background to my match,
not the Christmas tradition? Well, Raptor is in a match with Def Metal and
Primetime and Jarred. But it’s Christmas, so let’s try and take our minds off
the big match for a little bit, shall we?
T’was a quiet Christmas night, inside of
Raptor’s house. No living thing was stirring, not even a small mouse.
For Santa Claus was coming, “ho”-ing all the
way, making people happy, and making people gay.
(I know what half of you are thinking now
and it’s not pretty. I don’t mean gay in THAT way)
Young Toby and the Hobo, are sleeping on
the couch, awaiting Santa’s arrival, for more presents they can vouch.
For what they do not realize, they cannot
really know, is Santa Claus is not real, and he’ll never show.
Raptor sneaks right past them, to deliver
Santa’s gifts, and knocks over a lamp, smashing it to bits.
He cringes at the noise, and hopes they didn’t
wake. And luckily for him, they did not hear it break.
He places all the bright gifts, under the
Christmas tree, and tries to sneak away, hoping the gifts give glee.
But then Raptor fucked up again, what a
stupid ass, he waved his arm the wrong way, and shattered Toby’s glass!
This time Toby wakes up, and so does
Hobo, and they look up, shocked at Raptor, not sure if Santa’s shown.
Raptor: *Mumbling* Crap.
Toby: *sleepily*
…Dad? Is that you?
Raptor: err…
umm… Hi there son!
Hobo: What
are you doing?! Where’s Santa?
Raptor: Umm…
I just saw him, yeah… hah, that’s right. I just saw him jump up the chimney
stack, and I was trying to catch him. Yeah. That’s what I was doing… err… Now
go back to sleep.
Hobo: I can’t
sleep… I wanna see my presents! PRESENTS!
Raptor: Umm…
you can’t see your presents… wait! Hobo, wait!
Hobo: PRESENTS!!!!! YAY!
Hobo dived into his stocking, digging in
deep, searching around, but Santa was cheap!
The stocking was empty, as was hobo’s heart,
when he reached in, and pulled out the card,
A card, reading a fateful banter, “Dear
Hobo, I owe you one present, from Santa”
Hobo: THAT
CHEAPASS!
The Hobo cried, as his cheerful Christmas spirit died…
Hobo: He’ll
pay. I’ll kill him, I will. Trust me, he’s dead.
Wait a minute… Santa? Dead? but Hobo you’re rich, just buy stuff instead!
Hobo: Shut
up, stupid narrator. Quit your crappy Planet Stasiak-ish rhyming!
Planet Stasiak Rhyming? Oh no. No, Hell
no!, I was trying for Dr. Seuss, thank you, Hobo!
I’m telling the story, I’m having a go,
now play along, you stupid crack-ho.
Hobo: GODDAMN
YOU!
And out of the room, the Hobo ran, off to
kill Santa, and the narrator man.
Toby: Why did
you give us IOUs for Christmas?
Raptor: I
didn’t, it was Santa!
Toby: Oh
don’t be stupid, I don’t believe in Santa, I was just playing along so I didn’t
upset Hobo.
Raptor: Well…
I kind of don’t get paid that much, now that I lost the world title… and…
Toby: and?
Raptor: I
accidentally spent all of our Christmas money on a barbeque!
Toby: Accidentally?!
BARBEQUE!!?!?! Why would you spend our Christmas money on a BARBEQUE?!
Raptor: Well,
I’m an Australian right? Well, it’s an Australian tradition to have a barbeque
on Christmas and-
Toby: FUCKING
AUSTRALIANS!
Raptor: What?
Toby: It’s
winter over here in America, we can’t have a barbeque!
Late in the evening, they continued to
fight, as Hobo went hunting, for Santa, that night.
That
fateful morning…
After 5 hours of hunting, the Hobo gave
up. He fought Rudolph’s red nose, and got beaten up.
Raptor and Toby, had fallen asleep,
completely forgetting, that Raptor was cheap,
And now it was midday, on Christmas day,
and Barbeque lunch guests, were on their way.
Raptor: Oh
shit! Toby! Hobo! Wake up!
Toby: *Groggily* Huh? What?
Hobo: *Groan*
God… that’s the last
time I try and fight a reindeer!
Raptor: The
guests are gonna arrive in 15 MINUTES!
Hobo: Guests?
Raptor: For
the BARBEQUE!
So Raptor jumped up, running around, wiping
the bench tops, vacuuming the ground…
Hobo: You
think we should help him?
Toby: Hmm…
nah.
Hark, and listen, pray tell… I think I just heard Raptor’s doorbell…
And so Toby got up, and walked up to the
door, opening it wide, and guess who he saw???
Def Metal: Yeah, sorry I’m here early, I could only
get a lift with my mum as she was going to work as an elf at the mall.
Raptor: *walking around the corner* Toby can you get that? Oh… heya Tag
Partner!
Def Metal: Yeah well, we may be tag partners, but it
doesn’t mean I won’t beat you on Sunday.
Raptor: Hahah, yeah yeah… well, since it’s
Christmas, I can take a little friendly joking! *Walks off to keep cleaning*
Def Metal: I wasn’t joking.
But what’s that? The doorbell again?
Raptor came back, and got a shock, when…
Jericho: Guess who’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack?!
Toby: JERICHO!
Angelica: Don’t forget me!
Toby: Oh, yeah, hi angelica… but Uncle JERICHO!
Toby runs up and gives Uncle Jericho a
big hug.
Toby: Where’ve you been?
Angelica: ahh we felt like going on vacation, and
forgot to tell anyone we were leaving.
Hobo: Oh… oh well, welcome home, and Merry
Christmas! When everyone else arrives we’re gonna be having a Barbeque!
Jericho: A barbeque in winter?
Toby: That’s what I said.
And so more guests arrived, from Couch to
Couch, to Michael Cole and the Grouch.
Later
that day still
All the guests now, are standing outside,
freezing their butts off, with time to bide.
It had been half an hour, of trying so
hard, to light the barbeque, and make the food charred,
But the gas pipe was frozen, halting
their plans, the cold fucked up their lunch, and had frozen their hands.
Def Metal: Soooo HUNGRY!
Jericho: Come on, Rapy, we want food, man!
Toby: I told you barbequing in the middle of
winder was a stupid idea!
Raptor: Come on, we’ll go inside!
Couch: Quickly, I think my toes are freezing
off!
They march on inside, carrying the food,
fling open the door, to see Angelica, lewd,
Sculling some booze, looking so tipsy,
sculling some vodka, acting all ditsy.
Angelica: Oh, hi guys! I just found out a new
meaning to the “Christmas Spirit”!
Jericho: *groan* Angelica!
And so Jericho took her away to throw up,
and meanwhile Raptor and Defy were laughing it up.
Raptor: *While cooking the meat on the stove* Yeah, but I’m not worried about Primetime and Jarred, I’ve
beaten them heaps of times before.
Def Metal: Oh yeah? What about me?
Raptor: Oh, we all know I can beat you.
Def Metal: Oh really, Mr. Smarty pants! I believe our
record is 2 wins each and 1 tie!
Raptor: Yeah, so I’ve beaten you 2 times!
Def Metal: Yeah, but I’ve beaten you 2 times too!
Raptor: So I guess this is the decider then.
Def Metal: I guess it is!
Toby: Oh will you guys PLEASE stop thinking
about the match, it’s Christmas day for Christ’s sake, just have some fun!
Raptor: Oh, I am having fun. Having lots of fun,
telling Def how much I’ll beat him.
Def Metal: BULLSHIT you’ll beat me! I’ll crush you’re
hand again. Remember that? I crushed your hand! I did! And I enjoyed it!
Raptor: Hey Defy, I got a Christmas present for
you.
Def Metal: What?
Raptor slapped Defy, and slapped him some more, stopping
the party, and starting the war.
Defy jumped up, and punched Raptor’s face, but Rapy countered with a bottle of
mace.
Defy was blinded, stumbling about, when Raptor looked up, and started to shout:
Raptor: FOOD FIGHT!
Unfortunatley for Raptor, what Defy did then, bashed him
over the head, with a frozen hen.
Raptor got knocked over, stalling the bout, but when Defy checked him, having
his doubts,
Raptor jumped up, surprising the man, biting his nose, doing what damage he
can…
Then Hobo and Toby jumped between them, creating a fence, holding them back,
and talking some sense
Toby: STOP IT! It’s Christmas time, damn it! Christmas! A time to
be with family and friends, not to fight. It’s a time for love, not war. On
this day, Jesus was born! Let’s celebrate, not destroy! Christmas isn’t a time
for fighting, Christmas is a time for giving!
Raptor: You’re right. Christmas IS a time for giving.
It’s a time for giving DEF METAL A BROKEN NOSE! *Launches himself at Def again*
And so the fight, continued once more,
breaking some windows, kicking down doors,
Until the referees Raptor invited, sent
Def Metal away, starting the quiet, calming the day.
Toby: Thank god that’s over.
Couch: Yeah I know, that was insane.
Raptor: Grrr… I’ll show him who’s crap…
Hobo: Raptor, Please! Calm down!
Raptor: NO! Couch, promo time!
Couch: But Raptor it’s Christmas and-
Raptor: NO BUTS! Promo time! NOW!
Toby: Dad NO! Don’t wreck the party!
Raptor: Promo.
And so the couch left, to prepare to
promo, returning real soon, to start up the show.
Couch: *Wearing a Santa hat* Raptor, please, it’s Christmas. You shouldn’t be promoing.
Raptor: I said I’m promoing, and I mean it,
Couch, start filming!
Couch: *Sigh* Fine. Well Raptor. It’s just a few days
away. First Blood. How are you feeling?
Raptor: Aww I’m feeling great about it, Couch!
It’s First Blood, and I’m in the main event! How many people have said I would
amount to nothing? How many people thought, “Hey, this guy does comedy, he’s
going nowhere”. And some people still don’t admit how far I’ve gotten. I had a
HUGE main event feud with Def Metal. I’ve taken on Primetime. I’ve beaten
Jarred so many times it’s not funny. And now, I’m in the main event at First
Blood. So I’m feeling good.
Couch: And what about Def Metal? How does it
feel, to have gone from enemy, to friend, then friend but you gotta beat him
anyway?
Raptor: It’s fucking confusing, you know. The
pressure gets to your friendships, that’s for sure. We may have been tag
partners, but with a matchup of this magnitude, you gotta let loose. You can’t
hold back because you’re friends with someone. If I stand back, and refuse to
hit Def Metal, sooner or later he’s gonna jump me. Trust isn’t something you
can afford to give in the ring. Def Metal is a top notch competitor, the only
hall of famer in the match. And that’s funny, because he’s a hall of famer, yet
he’s also the only man in this match to have NOT held a world title. So he’ll
be the most hungry in the match. He’s taken on Primetime before, like me. And
also like me, he hasn’t beaten him. We’ve got a few things in common, Def and
I. But Def is the man I’m watching in this match… Out of all the opponents I have,
I’ve got a feeling he’s the hungriest for the win. I’ll keep my eye on Def
Metal. That’s for sure.
Couch: Then there’s Jarred. Tell us your
thoughts on Jarred?
Raptor: Last week, in the tag title match, he
put up the best fight I’ve ever seen him do. I’ve been in the ring with him
more times than I care to remember, probably even more times than I’ve been in
the ring with Def now. And that means I’ve been in there A LOT! But last week,
there was something different about him. He’d changed his style, and for the
better. He may be my bitch, and he will probably always BE the wWo’s bitch, but
I’m watching this man too. Because I know he’s ready to pull it out and play
with the big boys again, and I know he wants that title, bad. After a losing
streak like his, who wouldn’t want the title. He needs to show the world a huge
win to prove he can still hang with the big men. Jarred is coming to the table
as a player, at First Blood, and I’ve gotta be ready for it.
Couch: And what of Primetime. The man you’ve
taken on many times, but never beaten?
Raptor: My biggest Christmas wish is to finally
beat Primetime. It’s become a goal of mine, ever since I took him on for the
extreme title 3 times and lost every time. There’s nothing I want more than to
beat this man. To know I can do it… If there is one reason I wrestle these days…
it’s to beat Primetime. I crave a win over the man. I long to beat him, to show
the world I can. He’s a hall of famer in the making, Primetime. He’s tied
X-Cold for the amount of world title’s he’s held. That’s proof that he’s a
legend in the making. There’s an aura around his name… Primetime… you say on
the street “I’ve beaten Primetime”, and they know you’re something in this business.
And there’s nothing that would be finer than to beat Primetime at First Blood.
I’m making sure I’m ready for him. I’m studying up, I’m keeping fit, eating
healthy, saying prayers, taking vitamins, abstaining, you name it, I’ve done
it. Or not done it. Depending on which one keeps me healthier. As you can tell,
I’m desperate for a win over the man.
Couch: Now this match is an elimination match.
How do you think it’ll go?
Raptor: Well, personally, I’d love if it went
like this. 1. Jarred, 2. Def, 3. Primetime. That would be my dream match. But
elimination matches can go any way. Primetime could be eliminated first, then
we’d be guaranteed a new champ. I could go first… god forbid. Def could go
first, or Jarred. It just depends on who has their eyes open and their senses
on high alert.
Couch: Now people are still saying that you
can’t do it. That you can’t beat 3 superstars of such huge proportions. What do
you say to that?
Raptor: I say bull-fucking-shit! I’ve beaten Def
Metal a zillion times before. I’ve beaten Jarred twice however many time’s I’ve
beaten Def. The only man I haven’t beaten is Primetime. And that’s all about to
change, at First Blood. I plan on winning that title. On the greatest stage, I will
win the biggest match, and take home, the biggest title. Showing the world, I am
here to play.
Phew… Thanks
for letting me vent my steam, Couch.
Couch: *Sigh* You mean the interview is over?!
Raptor: Yep.
Couch: Oh… thank god.
Couch falls back, onto a couch. Sitting
there lazily, beginning to slouch.
Toby: Oh great. Great. You’re interviewing drove
away all our guests. Now there’s only the wWo and couch. Great. Some party.
Jericho: Cheer up, Tobes.
Toby: Why should I? There’s nothing to be happy
about. Today has been CRAP!
Jericho: No, you’ve got a reason to be happy. Hey
everyone!!!! It’s time to give PRESENTS!
Hobo: PRESENTS!
YAY!!!!!!!
Toby: That doesn’t make me happy. I won’t be
getting any, because of Dad.
Raptor: Oh, I dunno… You and Hobo might want to
go check out the front of the house.
And out of the house, Toby ran, running
the way, as fast as he can.
And there he spotted, a fucking huge
pile, of brightly wrapped presents, as high as a mile.
Toby: Wooooo-ho-ho-ho!!!!!!!!! BABY!
And we see inside, Raptor shaking Jericho’s
hand, thanking him, for doing what he can.
Raptor: Thanks for taking the BBQ back and
lending me some money.
Jericho: Hey, no problems. Thanks for using a
fight and an interview to distract Toby while I snuck off. Oh, and I got
something for you, too…
Jericho gives him a box, giving him glee,
when he rips off the wrapping, excited to see:
Raptor: World Title polish and a title carrying
bag?! Oh… thanks Jericho. *hugs an uneasy Jericho*
Jericho: You’d better beat those guys; I chucked
the receipt out so if you don’t win the world title, we can’t return that stuff…
A fun afternoon, was had by all, giving, talking,
and playing ball,
And when it’s all done, home friends had
went, Raptor retired, going to bed.
But before he did so, doing something that
meant, grabbing the camera, to let more steam vent.
Raptor: *sets up the camera in the corner of the
room, and presses record* First Blood. You know what I realized
today? My real Christmas isn’t going to come until Sunday. While little
children just stayed up all night last night, waiting for the morning, waiting
for Christmas, I’m counting down the days to First Blood. MY Christmas. And
Saturday night, I probably won’t sleep. I’ll be just like a little child, up
all night, counting down the hours till I can race out of bed and get in that
ring. That’ll be my Christmas day.
Shaking with
anticipation…
Feeling nervous…
Standing behind that curtain, waiting for “Doperide” to hit, so can walk down
that ramp and give that crowd the performance of a lifetime. Letting it rip,
suplexing, punching, flying, running, letting loose, and not holding anything
back. Showing the boys in the back. The boys in the ring. The people in the
arena, the viewers at home, the whole damn world that I mean something. That I DO
come to the table to play. That’s my real Christmas. Not today. Today wasn’t Christmas.
No, Christmas is about giving, and receiving great presents. And I’ll be giving
and receiving on Sunday.
And on Sunday,
MY Christmas, I’ll be receiving the greatest present of all. The world title.
Oh, but don’t think I’m stingy either. No, if it’s Christmas on Sunday, I’d
better be giving. I’ll give Jarred a blood nose, Def a broken hand, Primetime a
broken soul. I’ll hand out free suplexes for all. Hell, I’ll even throw in a
bonus DDT, FREE! How generous I am. But hey… I guess it IS Christmas time.
I’m looking
forward to beating Primetime, finally. Finally I can show him that I’m a main
eventer, for sure. Finally I can show him I’m not a one trick pony. I’m also
looking forward to beating Def Metal. Our record is 2 wins each and a tie… So
this match is the decider. Whoever wins this match is the better mann! That’s
another thing I can’t wait to do. Finally find out who the better man is
between us.
My Christmas dream
is closer and closer to coming true. Winning that world title. Finally
defeating Primetime. Adding 1 to my score against Def Metal. Getting my world
title back. It’s all getting closer. And I’m getting so excited!
So Jarred,
Primetime and Def Metal… You’d better have my present ready, because I’ve sure
got yours prepared. Because it’s 4 sleeps till First Blood.
It’s 4 sleeps
till Christmas, baby.
And after finishing his ranting, he
turned off the light, ending the promo, and starting the night.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE IN THE EMF!!!!!!
Merry Christmas from the EMF’s most unstable stable…