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Raptor’s theme music: Unlike
Wasabi, I don't change my theme every two weeks. Click for
"Doperide" by Saliva |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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Jarred vs Raptor[C] |
The wWo |
Jarred,
Primetime, Tazz
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World (1, Current) Extreme (1) |
10-5-3 |
Goddamn it, they just won’t PISS OFF,
will they? Yes, you know whom I’m talking about…
Those goddamned, self loving, constantly
interfering and double teaming bastards… the nWo (a blatant rip off of the wWo)
It sure has been an interesting couple of
weeks for the EMF, that’s for sure- First Raptor decides it’s Jarred he wants
to face at Cold Day in Hell.
Then the next week, on shockwave, after
taunting Jarred all night, when he was special guest referee, the nWo returns,
and bashes the living shit out of him.
Then last week, there was a Tag Match
scheduled. Wasabi and Raptor vs Jarred and Primetime. But Jarred and Primetime
took Wasabi out, thus rendering the match a Handicap Match- But, what the nWo
wasn’t counting on was the sheer fact that everybody’s favorite Assclown
Basher, Chris Jericho, would join the wWo, helping them fight off the now
AND NOW…
It’s the big one. The Main Event of EMF
Cold Day in Hell… Jarred vs Raptor. Will all this pent up rage end in something
big? What will happen in the never ending war between the wWo and the nWo? Will
Raptor be the first man in 2002 to break the First Pay Per View defense curse?
Find out the answers to all these questions at EMF Cold Day in Hell!!!!
Ahem…
*Puts on a Jarred voice*
Our scene opens in Raptor’s bedroom… The
light, shimmering through the curtains, is dim, but light enough to see
everything, but still dim… The cupboard, once closed, is now wide open… A
portal to Raptor’s life and clothing. His bed, lumpy, since Raptor is lying
asleep in it- Dreaming of those fantastic times when the nWo weren’t around…
For those were fantastic times. He lays asleep, snoring. His hear is ruffled,
his goatee, being beard-ish, his skin, acting skin-like, His sheets, ruffled…
His carpet-
*Changes to normal narrator voice*
Or, if your not some sort of weird
over-descriptive freak like Jarred, you could just say Raptor is in bed,
asleep.
Suddenly, Jericho bursts through the
doors holding a big box. Raptor opens his eyes, and Jericho drops the box on
Raptor’s torso, triggering a grunting fart from Raptor…
Jericho: Holy shit, Rapy, lay off the beans!
Right, lets get to this…
Raptor: Ughhhhh……
Jericho: WAKE UP, SLACKASS!
Raptor: *Yawn* …What the hell?
Jericho: Quick! Up up up UP UP! This is the big week,
your first PPV defense! You wanna lose? Or do you wanna break this damn
curse!?! Get up, you mommies boy!! We’ve got work to do!!!
The door opens again and in walks Angelica Boycott
Angelica: Holy hell! You’re still not up?!?
She walks up to Raptor, and slaps him, really, really hard, then proceeds to scream in Raptor’s ear like a cross between a banshee and Ashlee’s mum when she first saw her baby.
Raptor: Okay, okay!!!! I’m up, I’m up!!!
Angelica: Now get in the shower, quickly, and get
dressed, we’ve got work to do!
He walks into his bedroom en-suit, and shuts the door…
Jericho: Nice work, Angelica, I’m proud!
Angelica: *Beaming with pride* Well, I do try…
Suddenly, coming from the bathroom, we
hear a bloodcurdling (and almost womanly) scream, followed by:
Raptor: FUCK THAT’S COLD!!!! COLD, COLD, COLD,
COLD!!!
Angelica looks at Jericho, who is cracking up…
Angelica: This your handiwork?
Jericho: I thought I’d prepare him for the
“Cold” part of “Cold Day in Hell”.
Jericho keeps laughing as a shell-shocked Raptor stumbles out of the bathroom.
Angelica: Double time, weakling! Move out!!!
Jericho: I just realized… It’s gonna be “3
stages of hell” at “cold day in hell”, so technically it’s going to be “3
stages of a very cold hell”!!!!!! We’ve gotta get you prepared, Rapy!
Raptor: Ugh… holy shit, what time is it?
Angelica: 4.30am.
Raptor: Oh my god… *falls over*
Jericho: Goddamn it! Get up, Captain Unco! We’re
going to the couch.
We cut to Raptor, sitting on the couch,
as Jericho attempts to give him an inspirational speech…
Jericho: You think this’ll be a walk in the
park? This is the nWo, junior! You may be scheduled to face just Jarred, but
knowing Primetime and Tazz, not to forget that new guy Rob Steelheart, it’ll be
a handicap match sooner or later! I know these people, Raptor… Well, two of
them, I don’t know Rob Steelheart and I tend to avoid Jarred…
Angelica: Quite justifiably…
Jericho: And they don’t play fair. So I’m
training you…
Raptor: As if I couldn’t tell already…
Jericho: DON’T INTERUPPT ME, JUNIOR!
Angelica: The box Jericho brought… It’s Jarred
highlights and promos- So you can investigate your opponent!
Angelica puts on a tape of a Jarred promo…
Raptor: God, if you don’t want me to fall asleep
this isn’t the right way to go about it.
Angelica: *Yawns* Yeah I could use a little shut-eye myself…
Jericho starts to fast-forward the tape.
We see Jarred walk in, and sit down, and start talking to the camera. As we
fast forward, we see him talk… and talk…
And talk… and talk…
And maybe talk a little more…
Ooh, and don’t forget an unnecessarily
graphic description of the sunset.
Jericho: Jesus! They guy’s mouth just doesn’t
STOP! It’s almost… hypnotizing.
Raptor: zzzz…. zzzz….
Angelica: zzz… zzzz….
Jericho: GODDAMN IT! Will you please… wake… the
hell… UP!!!!
Raptor: Seriously Jericho- It’s 4am and you’ve
got a Jarred promo on. Explain to me the logic of staying awake!?
Jericho: Hmm… I know what’ll keep you awake…
Jericho drags Raptor out of the room, to the front lawn of his house…
Outside, it’s dark, and the moon is high, and the sun can’t be seen, because it’s dark. It’s very dark. We can just see the three figures silhouettes from the moonlight, because it’s dark. The grass is green, but it’s so dark outside you can’t see that it’s green, because it’s dark. Did I mention it’s dark?
Sorry, fell into “Jarred” mode again.
umm… yeah, they’re outside.
Jericho: Right, now before you have breakfast,
you gotta go for a morning jog!
Raptor just groans…
Jericho: Are you the world champ, or not?! How
bad do you want this?!
Suddenly a window on the top floor of the
house opens, and Toby sticks his head out…
Toby: Holy Hell, can you people make any MORE
NOISE!?
Jericho: Hey Tobes? You’re facing an nWo member
at Cold Day in Hell, right?
Toby: *Cautious as to where this is going* yeah?
The scene cuts to Toby and Raptor running
around the block in the dark.
Toby: Goddamn it! This is YOUR promo, how did I
get dragged into this?
Raptor: Don’t ask me! It’s Jericho who’s running
this show!
Toby: Yeah well, speaking of running, I’m
running away to Hobo’s mansion so I can get some goddamn sleep!
Toby runs off, leaving Raptor to run alone.
12
hours later…
We see Raptor slumped on the couch,
looking absolutely wrecked. Jericho and Angelica Boycott are standing next to
him.
Jericho: Ha! That was pretty impressive, Rapy.
300 pushups, 500 situps, a 10 kilometer run plus swallowing 10 eggs whole, then
a session at the gym! Man… that took guts…
Raptor: *grunts*
Jericho: We’re not finished yet though… Now it’s
time to review the Jarred tapes I brought.
He puts on the Jarred promo again…
Raptor: *Breaks down into tears* No more!!! PLEASE!!! No… no more
torture! Please! I can take sit ups… I can take push ups. I even tried to fly
like Hobo wanted me too… But please… NOT THE JARRED PROMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angelica: Come on, Jericho… I think he’s had enough.
Jericho: NO! If he wants to win! HE MUST DO
THIS!
Jericho puts in a tape and presses play. We see Jarred sitting down on a chair talking…
12
hours later
We cut back to the guys, who are all fast
asleep. We look at the TV, and, Jarred is STILL on the same chair, talking. And
talking. And talking… He just doesn’t shut up, does he? Finally, the tape
finishes, and the sound of the static coming from the TV wakes the 3 people up…
Raptor: Huh!? What?! I am a legend! Legends
never die! nWo 2 SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jericho: Oh god… that was painful!
Angelica: Ugh… Remind me to never watch a Jarred
promo again… Though the sunset behind him was sweet…
Jericho: Oh well… Raptor… I think you’re ready
for your match now.
Raptor: Thank god. I’m going to bed!
He stands up and starts walking… But Jericho
grabs him by the arm to hold him back…
Jericho: Not yet, Junior. Promo time!
Raptor sighs loudly as Jericho pulls out
a handicam
Raptor: *talking really slowly and softly… like
he can’t be bothered* Jarred…
Jarred. I hate you. I will beat you. *Falls asleep*
Angelica starts prodding him with a stick
until he wakes up.
Raptor: Huh?! Oh yeah… Jarred. You think you’re
smart? Teaming with those cock-knockers the nWo? Hah! That’s funny. Jarred,
smart?! They don’t go in the same sentence, do they? Sure, Jarred can go in a
sentence with a lot of things… Let me see
Jarred can go
with… Boring, Ugly, Annoying, Overly Discriptive, pin dick, doesn’t stop
talking, bullshit artist, never backs up what he says, loser, and last but not
least, plain old crap.
Yes, you’re right
when you say “Legends never die, they only get stronger” but for Christ’s sake,
YOU’RE NOT THE FUCKING LEGEND YOU THINK YOU ARE!
All you ever
talk about is how damn good you are. You’re ego is bigger than the entire south
African continent. You talk about how much of a legend you are, and how you’re
going to get in the hall of fame. You air crappy vignettes to the crappy tune
of “Hero” because, aww, isn’t that sweet, he was going to save the EMF from the
nWo. Did he do what he said he would? NO! Is he the king of the death cell? NO!
If your such a
legend, how come you’ve lost 2 matches to Wasabi in a row? Does that make
Wasabi MORE of a legend? Yeah, it does. Does that mean if Wasabi can do it, I can
do it? You’re DAMN SKIPPY HIPPY! Jarred, my point with this is that you are all
talk and no action. You spoke for fucking HOURS about how you’re the king of
the death cell, and there’s no way Wasabi would beat you. And guess what.
Wasabi beat you! But you were lucky when you beat Primetime for this shot. Yeah…
I chose you, Jarred. I’m only facing you because I WANT to face you.
And you say “Why
on god’s green earth would anyone want to face me?” Oh so scary, Jarred. You
act like people are actually afraid of you! HAH! *He bursts into really overdone and fake
laughter* That’s the
funniest joke I’ve heard in a long time! People, afraid of Jarred! Hahah!
Honestly, you
over-hyped sack of steroids, you’re nowhere near the legend you say yourself to
be!
It’s time to
burst your bubble, Jarred. That’s why I want to face you. Because I want to
teach you a simple lesson- You’re not a legend.
Sorry, J-man.
It’s true. Contrary to what you (and only you!) believe, the only legendary
quality you have is that of legendarily sucking ass.
Speaking of
which, I hear you nWo boys get up to some nasty happenings together in that
locker room…
But hey, don’t
be upset, Jarred. When I defeat you and win the IC title as well as retain my
world title, in 3 stages of hell, at least you’ve got a shoulder to cry on now.
You don’t “Stand alone” anymore, so don’t be afraid, uncle Primetime and aunty
Tazz are there to suck your cock… er.. I mean to help you… Silly me! Have fun
with your IC title Jarred. Look at it, play with it, take photos to make the
memories last. Because you’re about to lose it.
Have fun with
you’re pride, too. Take photos of yourself. Look at yourself. Play with
yourself. Because you’re about to lose your pride too.
Not that you
don’t take photos of yourself, look at yourself, and play with yourself
non-stop anyway, you self loving bastard!
Jarred. At Cold
Day in Hell, I will defeat you. At Cold Day in Hell, I will show you just how “Legendary”
you are. And most of all…
Most of all,
don’t you forget this Jarred…
I will show you
just how vicious this Raptor can get. It’s time to play with the big boys,
Jarred. Can you hack it?
Jericho stops the handicam as this promo
fades to black.
The EMF’s most unstable stable…