Upcoming Match
|
Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
|
Record
|
|
Jarred vs Raptor[C] |
The wWo |
Jarred,
Primetime, Tazz
|
World (1, Current) Extreme (1) |
10-5-3 |
Yeah, Raptor and Jarred hate each other, blah
blah, ect. You read it in my last promo, don’t need to repeat myself. But
something has changed since then… oh yes… Something of great importance.
Oh no! The Demon Clyde or whatever is
back *sigh*. Time for the Demon Clyde Jarred’s boring AND gothic promos,
opposed to just Jarred’s boring promos.
Hey, that’s okay, I’ll deal with it.
Raptor is at the local “Let’s be Gothic Buddies” meeting center. Raptor has black lipstick on, has fake piercing in nearly every spot on his head imaginable, and he’s dyed his hair black. His eyes glow red as he awaits the couch, for an interview on the topic. Soon Couch runs up…
Couch: Raptor!!! Raptor!!! Why are you dressed like that?
Raptor: Because, Couch… I realized that if Jarred can turn gothic
when he feels like it… then so can I! I realized that acting evil isn’t just a
mind set… or an attitude… no, it’s also a crappy gimmick! Say goodbye to the
old raptor… and hello to…
Cue dramatic and evil music
DEMON CHRAPTOR
Couch: So, Chraptor. Now that you’re a goth, why
don’t you start off by telling us how much you love the taste of your own
blood…
Demon
Chraptor: I love pain…
I love to sit at home and give myself Chinese arm burns!!! I love nipple
crippling myself. I love cutting each finger with a rusty knife and seeing
which one gets infected first! So Jarred… How will you beat me, when everything
you do will make me stronger?
Couch: Slitting your throat?
Demon
Chraptor: Even if you
slit my throat… break my neck, CHOP OFF MY HEAD… it’ll make me stronger!
Couch: Err… okay then. So are you the gate keeper
to hell? The son of satan? The anti-christ? What is it this time?
Demon
Chraptor: No… no none
of those… something far worse… Far worse by far.
I am Demon Chraptor…
I am the uncle of “Nick” from the Backstreet Boys!
Couch looks shocked and astounded… He looks like he could almost cry!
Demon
Chraptor: Yes… You
realize the evil you are face to face with!!!
Couch: *Shell shocked* My god!!! I’m sorry. I never meant to disrespect yo-
Demon
Chraptor: QUIET,
MORTAL! Or I shall unleash a great destruction upon the world!!!!
Couch: An earth quake? A meteor shower?
Demon
Chraptor: NO! A Nick
Carter solo career!
Couch almost falls over from fright.
Demon
Chraptor: Yes… And if
you still don’t believe how evil I am… I ordered my assistant, Hunchback Hobo
to kill my very own son, Toby!
HUNCHBACK HOBO!
COME HERE!
Hunchback Hobo creeps in the room,
dragging the bloody corpse of Toby…
Hunchback
Hobo: Yessssss,
Massssster?
Demon
Chraptor: Good work.
Now get back to the Demon-mobile!
Hunchback
Hobo: Thankssssssssssss….
Masssssster!
Hunchback Hobo limps out of the room,
leaving the disemboweled corpse of Toby on the floor.
Demon
Chraptor: You still
don’t believe I’m gothic and evil? The gatekeeper of Nick Carter’s solo career?
Watch how evil I am!
He dips his head into all the blood and
guts in Toby’s ripped open stomach… He stands up, and laughs a shocking and
evil laugh… But out of nowhere… The Demon Chraptor’s eyes light up with shock
and fear… He drops to the ground, and starts to cry…
Demon
Chraptor: Wasabi?! But
you’re dead!!!!
Suddenly Wasabi walks in. He is wearing a
white bed sheet over his head, with eye holes cut out. He is making the spooky
“wooooooooo” ghost like wailing… Chraptor steps back… then pinches himself to
make sure he’s awake…
Demon
Chraptor: Ouch! Damn
that hurt! What the hell is going on here? Have I completely lost my mind?
Wasabi: I assure you, Chraptor, you are
perfectly sane. Yes, I am dead. But I am here… You can reach out and touch me!
I have come to tell you something. Something of great importance…
Demon
Chraptor: But I can get
an erection!
Wasabi: IMPORTANCE! Not impotence!
Demon
Chraptor: Oh, sorry…
Wasabi: That’s okay. I need to tell you
something that will shake the roots of this earth…
Demon
Chraptor: What is it?
Wasabi: *Rips off the bet sheet* GOTHICS SUCK!
Toby jumps up and all the fake blood and
guts fall off his shirt. Raptor knocks the couch and his microphone out of the
way and he and Wasabi start to trash the “Let’s be Gothic Buddies” center for gothics.
Raptor kicks down a door and bursts into a meeting room, where the gothics are
playing mercy and games that cause pain. Raptor kicks and punches them all, and
throws one out the window, while Wasabi trashes the receptionist’s desk. Couch
has run out of the building. Raptor grabs a can of petrol, and starts to pour
it all over the floor… The Gothics all run out of the building, as Wasabi grabs
a match. The two men run out the front door, and Raptor throws the match behind
him, setting the building ablaze…
Wasabi: Man, I haven’t had that much fun in
years!
Toby: Hahah look guys, I’m eating my own bowels!
*Swallows the fake
bowels, then looks a little sick* Aww man that tasted like shit!!!
Raptor: Couch, film me, I’m in a promoing mood!
You know… Jarred.
How fitting it is that you’re now from hell again. You’ve moved house, haven’t
you? Hope you took you’re passport, I hear the customs in Hell are pretty
tight.
Let me tell you
Jarred, it’s sweet that you’re related to the devil… Awww… How cute!!
You remind me
of a 10-year-old boy on Halloween. I’ll remember to bring some sweets tomorrow.
Grow up, you dickhead. Realize that you’ve got a girlfriend and go off and
screw her a few times? Or have you been too busy, engaged in sweet foreplay
with Satan and his cohorts?
Though, you
know, hell seems to be a common theme on Sunday. Here I am, at “Cold Day in
HELL” in a “3 stages of HELL” match, facing a DEMON…
Well, let me
show you this. You’re very lucky for me to be telling you this Jarred. You
wanna know my secret strategy for Sunday??
He pulls Reverend D-Von on screen
D-Von: TESTIFY!!!!
Raptor: Oh that’s right, mighty Jarred… Not only
will the battle be Raptor v Jarred… wWo v nWo. No no, It’s also now… Heaven vs.
Hell!
Kicks D-Von off screen, then gives the camera the thumbs down.
Raptor: Come on, Jarred. Quit it with this
childish bullshit… Oh no, you’re the grandson of the devil…*does the scott hall scary thing* Woopdie Doo! Hurray!
Who gives a
flying fuck? No one. Not one single soul on this earth, Jarred, cares that you
think you’re evil again. Oh deary me, Couch. Save me, Jarred is going to steal
my soul.
Jarred, let me
put it this way… You’re Demon Clyde thing-
Couch: Demon Chylde!!!
Raptor: Shut up couch, it’s Demon Clyde. Your
Demon Clyde thing, as much as you say it isn’t an act, is one huge pile of
horse shit. As much as you think you’re evil, deep down, you’re trying to look
evil. As Dr. Evil says… You’re not quite evil enough. You’re the diet coke of
evil. The margarine of evil. Just one calorie, not even enough!
Okay Jarred, go
back to your evil act. I don’t care. You can see your dead brother, and stab
yourself and drink your own blood for breakfast, whatever. Go ahead. I’ll let
you do it. But there’s one thing I can’t let you do, and that is win. As much
as you’re evil powers say so. As much as your destiny says… as much as I’m sure
Satan cares about the EMF world title, you won’t get it.
Honestly, you’d
think the grandson of Satan would be off starting wars or creating famine or
flood… HAH! I mean, comeon, the grandson of Satan is a wrester! Got nothing
better to do? Hah! Keep going Jarred, you’re almost as good at comedy as the
wWo are!
So Sunday, at
Cold Day in Hell, I now have to face the Demon Clyde. Well I’m sorry to say,
but that changes nothing about what’s going to happen.
Just because
you’re some gothic freak now doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to pin you,
for the 1-2-3, 3 times. Every single stage, you’re going down. Down to the
canvas, for the 1-2-3. And when it’s done, and I’ve gone back home and you’ve
opened your portal to hell, you can go and cry on Satan’s shoulder, eat you’re
ultra-spicy hell TV dinner, and drown your sorrows in some Hell-tastic booze,
while I party down with the NORMAL PEOPLE! People who realize that they aren’t
the grandson of Satan. People who realize being Gothic makes you about as
popular as Shawn Stasiak in the Swiss alps.
So on Sunday,
when we push the envelope off the table, you’ll find that even WITH your crappy
Demon gimmick, you’re still going to get your ass kicked. And trust me… That
scar on your forehead? It’s not the last scar I’ll be giving you! On Sunday,
when I become become “Raptor the Demon Slayer” *copyright pending* The nWo will realize, just like the wWo
did, just how worthless an ally you are.
Oh yes… I’ve
spoken about the personal side of things... But what of the battle between the
stables? That never ending rivalry. nWo vs. wWo. It’s a great one, isn’t it? We
all know that the wWo hate primetime and his “KevinKelly-tastic”© promos! Oh
and we know about Tazz and Wasabi… Those two just don’t stop, do they? Rob
Steelheart the rookie is here, too, and he’s trying to take my son’s title. The
nWo is set up to deliver a major blow to the wWo, aren’t they? It’s not going
to happen, sorry boys. nWo version 3 (without the Mattitude) ain’t gonna be
gaining no gold on Sunday. Toby will retain. And I’m gonna not only retain, but
gain the Intercontinental Title for my stable, and the wWo will end up on top.
Couch: But are you worried about interference from
Primetime or any other nWo goons?
Raptor: HAH! No! Primetime? Primetime!? Hah,
I’ve proven I can hang with the best of them, and this guy hasn’t had a proper
match since he lost the title to Matt Dragon way back when. Tazz, so short he
won’t be able to get in the damn ring. Rob Steelheart is a rookie, I don’t have
to worry about him, at all. Besides… If they interfere, and Jarred wins, it
shows just how “worthy” a champion he’ll be. If he can’t earn this thing on his
own, like I did, he isn’t a world champ… he’s a world chump.
Jarred version
1 lost to Wasabi twice, maybe thrice! Now, I get to take on Demon Clyde Version
2. Oh, what an honor, I get to be the first man to beat down and destroy the
Demon Clyde! Wow, I’ll call my parents and tell them to watch! I’ll sit my son
at ringside! Woah, I beat Jarred!
I’ll tell the
world! “HEY GUYS!!! I BEAT JARRED!!!!” And you know what the world will tell me
back?
“SO WHAT?! IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S HARD TO
DO!”
The world
knows, just as I know Jarred. You can’t hide the fact that you can’t hack the
big time. So… you’ve got a choice to make. Are you going to…
A) Join the wWo, because you know you can’t
beat us? (Hmm… that sounds familiar…)
B) Turn around, go back home to hell, sit
in your comfy hell chair and roast marshmallows with Satan
C) Show up to the match, like an idiot, and
have me show you just how “evil” you are?
Comeon, Jarred…
The choice is yours. But you’re so predictable. I know what you’ll choose. You
want to be a man! You’ve allready given up on one fight…
“Oh no, the nWo
are too damn good, I’ll just join them!” Hah! You’ll never see a wWo member
quit like that!
If you can’t
beat em, join em, hey Jarred? You sure as hell won’t be joining me after I beat
you down within an inch of your life!
Be prepared
Jarred..
The Raptor is
on the Rampage. It’s not gonna be pretty. And when the match is over, and
you’ve used your evil powers in an attempt to cheat, and I’ve still beaten you,
you can run home and cry, and then change your gimmick again, whatever. But the
world title is mine, the nameplate on it agrees with me. And that nameplate
ain’t coming off anytime soon!
It won’t be 3
stages of hell for me Jarred. But I’ll make sure it’s 3 stages of hell for you!
When push comes to shove, the better man will prevail. Who will win? Raptor? Or
Satan Jr.? Jarred…
Come to Cold
Day in Hell, Jarred, Granddaddy Lucifer ain’t gonna be able to help you!!!!!
The promo fades to black as Raptor spits and grabs a drink bottle, washing off his gothic make up…
The EMF’s most unstable stable…