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Raptor’s theme music: |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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???? |
The wWo, John Bashemgood |
Matt
Dragon, Def Metal
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Attitude World (2 and Last Ever) Extreme (1) |
9-5-2 |
Well, Raptor WAS going to get a world
title shot… But… But… Well, he fucked up- Big time- And now the media, and the
government have screwed him over nice and good and he might not get the chance
to face Matt Dragon and Def Metal like he’d hoped. It’s all very
heart-wrenching, to say the least, when you lose the biggest chance of your
career…
Toby is running around his and Raptor’s
home, looking worried. The house seems very un-clean, and empty for some
reason.
Toby: Dad?! Dad get out here! I told you, I
don’t play hide and seek!
The only response is silence
Toby: Dad??? Come on, man, come out…
Still nothing…
Toby: Alright… Fine. *He gets a sneaky look in his eye* I’ll just go and get LAID THEN!
Suddenly a hand comes out of nowhere
behind Toby and grabs him by the hair…
Raptor: No you won’t!!!!
Toby: Why do you bother to hide man, it’s not
gonna help!
Raptor: I’m just sick of the media hounding me!
Look!
He opens the front door, and hundreds of
camera flashes go off, as he shuts the door again…
Raptor: It’s almost as bad as that time I went
“midget bashing” in the summer of ’84, but that’s another story. I can’t
believe that stupid video has cost me my world title shot! It’s shitty I tell
you! It’s fucked up!!!!
Suddenly, the door bursts down, and there
stands Hobo, wearing clothes this time, holding a videotape…
Hobo: Quick! Quick!!!!! Raptor, I got evidence
that your interview was rigged! I do! Where’s your TV?
Raptor: Ugh… I smashed it after they tried to
prove that I was Unreal in heavy disguise.
Toby: No, I thought it was after they tried to
find pro-communism remarks in DEF files. That sure took the magic out of that
promo…
Raptor: They RUINED A CLASSIC! *Smashes a vase* Ugh… Anyway I’ve got another TV in my
bedroom, come on, let’s go.
They go to the bedroom
Hobo: Okay, look at this- *he puts the tape in, and presses play*
TV Raptor: Smelly old codgers should rot in hell,
because I hate them, and I think they smell like a musky old ride on lawnmower.
Hobo: Okay *Presses pause* Look at this- There’s my wallet- and my jewelry on the table
behind you! And LOOK! There I am, walking past the camera in the nude!
Raptor: Hobo, is this just so we could see you
nude?
Hobo: No!!!!
Well, okay, just
a bit.
But it’s also to
get you your world title shot back! Now look! *he pushes play again*
TV Raptor: That’s all. All I said was I hate ALL
elderly people and ALL Jewish people. YES! ALL. They smell, they drool, and
they should all be put down! So should black people, and gay people too! They
should ALL be put down.
Hobo: And there I am again! 2 seconds after you
see me nude, there I am, fully clothed, waving and yelling to my mom! And I
just put my wallet down on the table, yet my wallet was already there 2 seconds
ago!
Toby: So what the hell is this proving, apart
from you are one crazy biatch?
Hobo: That the Interview was a fake! That it was
edited and taken out of context!!!!!!
Raptor: Hah! I knew it all along!!!! Quick!
Let’s go and show the Senator!!!!
They run off, commando style to save the
day!!!!
Later
that day…
After just showing the damning evidence
to John Bashemgood, the boys and the senator discuss the actions they’ll take.
John
Bashemgood: …and ANN
news LIVE will be heavily reprimanded for this! I’m very sorry Raptor, you can
be sure they’ll PAY!
Raptor: *All excited* Are you really gonna punish them bad?
John
Bashemgood: Yeah, I’ll
probably fine them $3.20 or so… And they’ll have to make a public apology.
Raptor: Oh… *Is disappointed* OK then. Thank you for your time, senator…
The guys walk out the front…
Raptor: Woooooooooooah! I got me shot back, I
got me shot back!!!!!!!!!!
Hobo: Everyone knew it was going to happen.
Toby: Pretty much.
Raptor: I didn’t!
Hobo: Yeah you did, you wrote the damn story!
Raptor: Oh yeah… Heh!
Hobo: And what’s the moral of the story?
Raptor: Never ever make derogatory comments
towards minority groups?
Toby: Hah! No, don’t be stupid. The moral of the
story is this: Hobo’s nudity always saves the day.
Hobo: Damn Straight!!!!!!! *Flashes his pearly white grin*
Raptor: *Looks at his watch* awww shit man!!!! Look how much time
I’ve got till the match! I gotta get ready!!!
Hobo: Oh you know mike, he’s got you covered-
Look.
Suddenly a van pulls up and out hops a cameraman, who waves seductivley at Raptor…
Toby: Holy shit, that’s fucking creepy…
Raptor: *Whispering* Yeah, no kidding, they should keep those
bastards on a leash. *Loudly
again* Hi!
Jean Pierre
Frontdoor: Hello,
darlings… I’ve come to film a promo.
Raptor: Aight, well, first, let me tell you a
little story, no?
A long long
time ago, in a country far far away…
Hobo: Australia?
Raptor: Yep… A long time ago, when I was but a
little boy…
The scene goes cloudy, as we are taken
into Raptor’s story…
Raptor: I was such a young kid, and we were
having a family barbeque… I was on the trampoline with my cousins, who were
incidentally named Dratt Magon, and Mef Detal.
Dratt Magon: Heya Rapy, I bet you anything we’ll kick
your ass!
Mef Detal: Hehe, Raptor, you can’t beat us if you
tried!!!
Raptor: You see, we’d all been wrestling since
before we could walk, and…
Young
Raptor: Man, I beat
you, every time…
Raptor: Dratt Magon had never wrestled me
before… But I’d wrestled Mef Detal a trillion times before. But Mef Detal’s
parents didn’t like him wrestling. They were busy, they had work, and they
wanted Mef Detal to focus on his grades instead of his wrestling.
Mef Detal: If this is going to be my last wrestling
match, there’s no way you’re gonna beat me!
Dratt Magon: Come on man, show me what you got!
Raptor: So, me, Dratt Magon, and Mef Detal got
it on- It was fun! It went for almost half and hour, back and forth, in brutal
3 way action… Until something amazing happened… Dratt Magon fell off the
trampoline, on top of Mef Detal. And I looked, and thought… why the fuck not?
I jumped… It
was my first ever shooting star press, right on top of BOTH the guys… They both
were screwed… I pinned them BOTH at once… It was amazing. I won, just like I
said I would.
Just like I
always do. And you know, this story has a phenomenally, almost, exact
resemblance to what’s happening now- I know Def Metal backwards, just like I
knew Mef Detal. I’ve never wrestled Matt Dragon, just like I had never wrestled
Dratt Mragon… And I’m going to beat the two guys now, just like I beat the two
kids before!
Hobo: You made that up!
Raptor: I DID NOT!!!!!
Hobo: Yeah you did…
Raptor: Yeah, I did, I know. But what I’m NOT
making up- That I will defeat Def Metal, for the last time. That I will defeat
Matt Dragon, for the first time. And I will be the champion, for the first time,
and for a long time. In fact, not only am I making it up… but…
I CLAIM TO BE ABOUT TO BEAT DEF METAL
AND MATT DRAGON
Raptor: Ugh, that’s a tounge twister, try saying
that 20 times really really fast.
Toby: Iclaimtobeabouttobeatdefmetalandmattdragon.
Iclaimtobeabouttobeat-
Raptor: I DIDN’T MEAN literally, SHUT UP!
Matt Dragon,
the nWo member, and the EMF CEO. I tell you what, you mofo, there’s no way
you’re keeping that title. I’m too strong. Def Metal is too strong. The odds
against you are pretty big.
Matt, you were
handed that championship… Now I’m going to snatch it off you. Primetime hardly
tried- You won, easily. Well, guess what- Your time is up, because it’ll be
mine, whether you like it or not.
And now that
your precious nWo is practically dead, there’ll be no interfering, just an
even, fantastic match up.
Don’t get me
wrong, it’s not going to disappoint. I’ve got some moves up my sleeve that
could kill a donkey. Def Metal and Matt Dragon are going to feel like they’ve
been run over with a ride-on lawnmower.
And Def Metal…
Good old Def Metal- We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we… I’ve done almost 9
promos on you- It’s insane. I’ve been in the ring with you, heaps of times… And
now you’re career is over. And I was thinking about it. Is he my enemy still?
No… But is he my friend? Not really… He’s just… Def Metal, and that’s the way
it’ll always be. As Magnificent as I would like your retirement to be, because,
hell, I respect you, and you deserve it- I can’t let that stand in my way. Believe
me, it’d be great to see you win it, but hey- It’s my career I’m talking about.
And my career comes before ANYBODY.
Toby: Anybody?!
Raptor: Sorry Tobes. Anybody.
Toby: Shit man.
Raptor: Yep. And you know, I realized something
else too…
Remember back
two months ago, we had this EXACT match? Def Metal vs Matt Dragon vs Raptor for
the Attitude Internet title…
We never did
find out who won that match, did we? Because Def and I got DQed. Now the truth comes
out, and we’ll find out who the better man is. Me. Me me me me me ME ME ME ME
ME!
Hobo: What are you, a little baby?
Raptor: Sorry, forgot to take my riddlin this
morning. Defy, Matt, I can’t wait to see the night. We all know it won’t
disappoint. Just like I’m not going to disappoint my Raptor-heads…
Hobo: *Cough* RIPOFF *Cough*
Raptor: Ugh, fine. My Raptinites…
Hobo: Ahem…
Raptor: OKAY! People who like Raptor! I’m not
going to disappoint them- I’m gonna bring
home the belt, and they can all say their favorite superstar is now the EMF
Heavyweight Champion!
And in true
cliché form, I’m gonna say something that has been said a million times
Matt… Polish
that belt up real nice- It’s gonna be mine soon
Because if you
don’t, I’ll have to polish it, but I won’t have time, because I’m gonna be way
to busy, so please, polish it, for god’s sakes.
Thanks Matty.
Thank you too, Def. The match is on, the match will be great…
And so will
Raptor- The hunt is on, and the Raptor is on the Rampage, boys. Hope you’ve had
your tetanus shots.
The promo fades to black as Doperide by Saliva plays
The
EMF’s most unstable stable…