Raptor’s theme music:

Oh god... When you lose an opportunity like this, all you can do is "ride" Dope. And "ride" LOTS and LOTS. Click for "Doperide" by Saliva


Upcoming Match

Other People Used

People Mentioned

Titles Held

Record

????

The wWo, John Bashemgood

Matt Dragon, Def Metal

Attitude World (2 and Last Ever)

Extreme (1)

9-5-2

 

 

Well, Raptor WAS going to get a world title shot… But… But… Well, he fucked up- Big time- And now the media, and the government have screwed him over nice and good and he might not get the chance to face Matt Dragon and Def Metal like he’d hoped. It’s all very heart-wrenching, to say the least, when you lose the biggest chance of your career…

 

Toby is running around his and Raptor’s home, looking worried. The house seems very un-clean, and empty for some reason.

 

Toby: Dad?! Dad get out here! I told you, I don’t play hide and seek!

 

The only response is silence

 

Toby: Dad??? Come on, man, come out…

 

Still nothing…

 

Toby: Alright… Fine. *He gets a sneaky look in his eye* I’ll just go and get LAID THEN!

 

Suddenly a hand comes out of nowhere behind Toby and grabs him by the hair…

 

Raptor: No you won’t!!!!

 

Toby: Why do you bother to hide man, it’s not gonna help!

 

Raptor: I’m just sick of the media hounding me! Look!

 

He opens the front door, and hundreds of camera flashes go off, as he shuts the door again…

 

Raptor: It’s almost as bad as that time I went “midget bashing” in the summer of ’84, but that’s another story. I can’t believe that stupid video has cost me my world title shot! It’s shitty I tell you! It’s fucked up!!!!

 

Suddenly, the door bursts down, and there stands Hobo, wearing clothes this time, holding a videotape…

 

Hobo: Quick! Quick!!!!! Raptor, I got evidence that your interview was rigged! I do! Where’s your TV?

 

Raptor: Ugh… I smashed it after they tried to prove that I was Unreal in heavy disguise.

 

Toby: No, I thought it was after they tried to find pro-communism remarks in DEF files. That sure took the magic out of that promo…

 

Raptor: They RUINED A CLASSIC! *Smashes a vase* Ugh… Anyway I’ve got another TV in my bedroom, come on, let’s go.

 

They go to the bedroom

 

Hobo: Okay, look at this- *he puts the tape in, and presses play*

 

TV Raptor: Smelly old codgers should rot in hell, because I hate them, and I think they smell like a musky old ride on lawnmower.

 

Hobo: Okay *Presses pause* Look at this- There’s my wallet- and my jewelry on the table behind you! And LOOK! There I am, walking past the camera in the nude!

 

Raptor: Hobo, is this just so we could see you nude?

 

Hobo: No!!!!

 

Well, okay, just a bit.

 

But it’s also to get you your world title shot back! Now look! *he pushes play again*

 

TV Raptor: That’s all. All I said was I hate ALL elderly people and ALL Jewish people. YES! ALL. They smell, they drool, and they should all be put down! So should black people, and gay people too! They should ALL be put down.

 

Hobo: And there I am again! 2 seconds after you see me nude, there I am, fully clothed, waving and yelling to my mom! And I just put my wallet down on the table, yet my wallet was already there 2 seconds ago!

 

Toby: So what the hell is this proving, apart from you are one crazy biatch?

 

Hobo: That the Interview was a fake! That it was edited and taken out of context!!!!!!

 

Raptor: Hah! I knew it all along!!!! Quick! Let’s go and show the Senator!!!!

 

They run off, commando style to save the day!!!!


Later that day…

 

After just showing the damning evidence to John Bashemgood, the boys and the senator discuss the actions they’ll take.

 

John Bashemgood: …and ANN news LIVE will be heavily reprimanded for this! I’m very sorry Raptor, you can be sure they’ll PAY!

 

Raptor: *All excited* Are you really gonna punish them bad?

 

John Bashemgood: Yeah, I’ll probably fine them $3.20 or so… And they’ll have to make a public apology.

 

Raptor: Oh… *Is disappointed* OK then. Thank you for your time, senator…

 

The guys walk out the front…

 

Raptor: Woooooooooooah! I got me shot back, I got me shot back!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hobo: Everyone knew it was going to happen.

 

Toby: Pretty much.

 

Raptor: I didn’t!

 

Hobo: Yeah you did, you wrote the damn story!

 

Raptor: Oh yeah… Heh!

 

Hobo: And what’s the moral of the story?

 

Raptor: Never ever make derogatory comments towards minority groups?

 

Toby: Hah! No, don’t be stupid. The moral of the story is this: Hobo’s nudity always saves the day.

 

Hobo: Damn Straight!!!!!!! *Flashes his pearly white grin*

 

Raptor: *Looks at his watch* awww shit man!!!! Look how much time I’ve got till the match! I gotta get ready!!!

 

Hobo: Oh you know mike, he’s got you covered- Look.

 

Suddenly a van pulls up and out hops a cameraman, who waves seductivley at Raptor…

 

Toby: Holy shit, that’s fucking creepy…

 

Raptor: *Whispering* Yeah, no kidding, they should keep those bastards on a leash. *Loudly again* Hi!

 

Jean Pierre Frontdoor: Hello, darlings… I’ve come to film a promo.

 

Raptor: Aight, well, first, let me tell you a little story, no?

 

A long long time ago, in a country far far away…

 

Hobo: Australia?

 

Raptor: Yep… A long time ago, when I was but a little boy…


The scene goes cloudy, as we are taken into Raptor’s story…

 

Raptor: I was such a young kid, and we were having a family barbeque… I was on the trampoline with my cousins, who were incidentally named Dratt Magon, and Mef Detal.

 

Dratt Magon: Heya Rapy, I bet you anything we’ll kick your ass!

 

Mef Detal: Hehe, Raptor, you can’t beat us if you tried!!!

 

Raptor: You see, we’d all been wrestling since before we could walk, and…

 

Young Raptor: Man, I beat you, every time…

 

Raptor: Dratt Magon had never wrestled me before… But I’d wrestled Mef Detal a trillion times before. But Mef Detal’s parents didn’t like him wrestling. They were busy, they had work, and they wanted Mef Detal to focus on his grades instead of his wrestling.

 

Mef Detal: If this is going to be my last wrestling match, there’s no way you’re gonna beat me!

 

Dratt Magon: Come on man, show me what you got!

 

Raptor: So, me, Dratt Magon, and Mef Detal got it on- It was fun! It went for almost half and hour, back and forth, in brutal 3 way action… Until something amazing happened… Dratt Magon fell off the trampoline, on top of Mef Detal. And I looked, and thought… why the fuck not?

 

I jumped… It was my first ever shooting star press, right on top of BOTH the guys… They both were screwed… I pinned them BOTH at once… It was amazing. I won, just like I said I would.

 

Just like I always do. And you know, this story has a phenomenally, almost, exact resemblance to what’s happening now- I know Def Metal backwards, just like I knew Mef Detal. I’ve never wrestled Matt Dragon, just like I had never wrestled Dratt Mragon… And I’m going to beat the two guys now, just like I beat the two kids before!

 

Hobo: You made that up!

 

Raptor: I DID NOT!!!!!

 

Hobo: Yeah you did…

 

Raptor: Yeah, I did, I know. But what I’m NOT making up- That I will defeat Def Metal, for the last time. That I will defeat Matt Dragon, for the first time. And I will be the champion, for the first time, and for a long time. In fact, not only am I making it up… but…

 

I CLAIM TO BE ABOUT TO BEAT DEF METAL AND MATT DRAGON

 

Raptor: Ugh, that’s a tounge twister, try saying that 20 times really really fast.

 

Toby: Iclaimtobeabouttobeatdefmetalandmattdragon. Iclaimtobeabouttobeat-

 

Raptor: I DIDN’T MEAN literally, SHUT UP!

 

Matt Dragon, the nWo member, and the EMF CEO. I tell you what, you mofo, there’s no way you’re keeping that title. I’m too strong. Def Metal is too strong. The odds against you are pretty big.

Matt, you were handed that championship… Now I’m going to snatch it off you. Primetime hardly tried- You won, easily. Well, guess what- Your time is up, because it’ll be mine, whether you like it or not.

And now that your precious nWo is practically dead, there’ll be no interfering, just an even, fantastic match up.

 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not going to disappoint. I’ve got some moves up my sleeve that could kill a donkey. Def Metal and Matt Dragon are going to feel like they’ve been run over with a ride-on lawnmower.


And Def Metal… Good old Def Metal- We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we… I’ve done almost 9 promos on you- It’s insane. I’ve been in the ring with you, heaps of times… And now you’re career is over. And I was thinking about it. Is he my enemy still? No… But is he my friend? Not really… He’s just… Def Metal, and that’s the way it’ll always be. As Magnificent as I would like your retirement to be, because, hell, I respect you, and you deserve it- I can’t let that stand in my way. Believe me, it’d be great to see you win it, but hey- It’s my career I’m talking about. And my career comes before ANYBODY.

 

Toby: Anybody?!

 

Raptor: Sorry Tobes. Anybody.

 

Toby: Shit man.

 

Raptor: Yep. And you know, I realized something else too…

 

Remember back two months ago, we had this EXACT match? Def Metal vs Matt Dragon vs Raptor for the Attitude Internet title…

 

We never did find out who won that match, did we? Because Def and I got DQed. Now the truth comes out, and we’ll find out who the better man is. Me. Me me me me me ME ME ME ME ME!

 

Hobo: What are you, a little baby?

 

Raptor: Sorry, forgot to take my riddlin this morning. Defy, Matt, I can’t wait to see the night. We all know it won’t disappoint. Just like I’m not going to disappoint my Raptor-heads…

 

Hobo: *Cough* RIPOFF *Cough*

 

Raptor: Ugh, fine. My Raptinites…

 

Hobo: Ahem…

 

Raptor: OKAY! People who like Raptor! I’m not going to disappoint them-  I’m gonna bring home the belt, and they can all say their favorite superstar is now the EMF Heavyweight Champion!

 

And in true cliché form, I’m gonna say something that has been said a million times

 

Matt… Polish that belt up real nice- It’s gonna be mine soon

 

Because if you don’t, I’ll have to polish it, but I won’t have time, because I’m gonna be way to busy, so please, polish it, for god’s sakes.

 

Thanks Matty. Thank you too, Def. The match is on, the match will be great…

 

 

And so will Raptor- The hunt is on, and the Raptor is on the Rampage, boys. Hope you’ve had your tetanus shots.

 

The promo fades to black as Doperide by Saliva plays

 

The EMF’s most unstable stable…