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Raptor’s theme music: No
really? Should I change my theme to the Ketchup Song? SHOULD I!? Click for
"Doperide" by Saliva |
Upcoming Match
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Other People Used |
People Mentioned |
Titles Held
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Record
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Raptor v Def Metal v Jarred v Primetime[C] |
The wWo, |
Jarred,
Defy, Primetime, Wasabi
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World (1), Intercontinental(1) Extreme (1), Tag (1, Current) |
14-6-3 |
Coming off a successful tag team title
defense, Raptor’s back in the title hunt, ladies and gents. And this match, at
the EMF’s biggest show of the year, First Blood III, is sure to be a doozy.
Raptor knows all 4 men well. He’s been in the ring with Def Metal so many times
that he can pronounce his exact measurements to a Taylor, if Def even needs a
tuxedo. He’s beaten Jarred so many times that it can’t be counted his hands.
He’s faced Primetime a few times too, way back in may, for the extreme title
(and lost every time… grrrr *makes an angry face*)
So Raptor definitely has the advantage of
knowing his opponents. And he has another advantage. His semi-ally-yet-former-death
wisher Def Metal is in the match. Could they team up, and help each other? They
are co-tag team champions, after all.
But one thing is certain. The match IS
guaranteed to be a absolute thriller, on the biggest stage of them all, the
main event at First Blood!!!!
Our scene opens with Raptor, Hobo, and Toby having a video night at Raptor’s house. It’s dark outside, and inside we see the boys sitting in the lounge room. There is no light inside, except the light coming from the TV. They’ve got sleeping bags ready, in front of the TV, on the couch and on a mattress on the floor, and popcorn, and coke and red bull to keep them awake all night.
Hobo: So, Rapy, you went and rented some videos
for tonight, didn’t you?
Toby: Man, I’m excited, we haven’t had a movie
night in ages!
Raptor: *Grinning* Sure did! Look!
He holds up 3 tapes… a “Best of Raptor v
Def Metal” tape, a “Best of Raptor losing to Primetime” tape, and a “Best of
Raptor whooping Jarred’s gothic backside over and over” video
Raptor: Ain’t it great?! Except for the Raptor
losing to Primetime video, I’m surprised they had that. But ever since I was
the world champ, the EMF marketing guys have been pumping out Raptor
merchandise!
Toby: Dad this was supposed to be a fun video
night!!!! NOT A WRESTLING NIGHT!
Raptor: But wrestling IS fun when you’re
watching me! I thought a video night would be perfect for studying up for the
match this week!
Hobo: Oh come on, Toby… You know watching your
Dad kick Jarred’s ass over and over again gives you SOME pleasure…
Toby: Hmm… I guess so.
Raptor: So it’s decided… we’re watching the “Best
of Raptor whooping Jarred’s gothic backside over and over” video first?
He puts the tape in, and we see a short
video package of Jarred being knocked down, over, and over, and over… and over.
And over.
Raptor: Haha! I remember that one! That was our
Winner take all match where I took his IC title!
And over…
Raptor: And that’s where I eliminated him from
the triple threat match with Primetime.
Toby: Dad… do we HAVE to watch this video?
Hobo: *is asleep from the boredom*
Raptor: Oh come on! Fine! I’ll put on the “Best
of Raptor v Def Metal” tape.
Toby: *Groan* Can we do something else?! PLEASE?!
Raptor: Hmmph! Okay then. You don’t like videos.
OK. We’ll play a board game
He pulls out a “Def Metal, Primetime, and
Jarred” edition of Trivial Pursuit…
Raptor: Okay, Toby, you start. What Bra size is
Jarred: A) D cup, B) A cup, C) An inflatable bra because he has insufficient
breasts, D) All of the above?
Toby: Board games are BORING!
Hobo: Yeah, I agree.
Raptor: Hmm… okay. Okay. Hold on, I’ll get
something better!
He runs off, and comes back with a X-Box
and it’s all new game “Become Raptor and bash Jarred, Def Metal and Primetime,
and win the world title at the same time!”
Toby: That’s an actual GAME?!
Raptor: I had to pull some strings, but I
convinced THQ to pull it off.
Hobo: Raptor, I think Toby wants to do something
that HASN’T got to do with your world title match.
Raptor: WHAT?! Well what am I supposed to do with
the “Jarred after being beaten by Raptor” costumes?! What about the “Read this
and you’ll beat Primetime, Jarred and Def Metal all in the same match,
DEFINATLEY!” Book?
Toby grabs the “Read this and you’ll beat Primetime, Jarred and Def Metal all in the same match, DEFINATLEY!” Book and chucks it in the fire.
Raptor: WAIT! I was going to read that!!! Now what am I supposed to do?
Toby: No more Title Match stuff! This was
supposed to be a fun night!
Raptor: BUT TOBY! You don’t know how important
this match is to me!
Toby: Oh trust me, I can tell.
Raptor: Hmmmph… Well… what about a game of “pin
the dick on primetime’s head”? You love that, and it’s got to do with my match!
Toby: *holding back a smile* oh… I dunno…
Hobo: he wants to!
Raptor goes off and pulls out the picture
of Primetime. They pull out some cartoon penises, the blindfold, and get
pinning!
The
next morning…
We see the 3 guys asleep on the floor…
They have a ton of games out- Pin the dick on primetime’s head, Raptor’s dart
board with Jarred’s face on it, and one of those blow up Def Metal dolls that
you punch, it falls over, makes a noise, and it goes upright again. Raptor is
snoring away, mumbling about how he’s going to win on Sunday at first blood,
Toby is out like a light, and Hobo is drooling on his pillow. Suddenly, they
are all woken up by a crash noise. Raptor jumps up, looks around, and spots
that a brick was thrown through his window… He runs to the window, to see a car
drive away. He looks down, at the brick, and notices a mobile phone attached to
it.
Toby: What was that?!
Hobo: A mobile phone!? What the hell?
They all jump, when, suddenly, the phone
rings. Raptor answers it, and hears an electronically altered voice.
Voice: Hello Raptor. I’m glad you found the
phone.
Raptor: Why couldn’t you have just rang my home
phone? Or left the phone in my mail box?! Was it really necessary to smash my
window!?
Voice: Yes!! A good dramatic style entrance is
always good. I’m ringing about your match.
Raptor: Huh?
Voice: Go to the corner of Jobthem Street and
Secretadvisor Road. 10pm tonight. Come alone.
Raptor: Yes but-
Whoever it was hangs up on Raptor, as he
stands there confused.
Toby: What did they say?!
Raptor: To meet them, tonight. They didn’t say
who they were, and they want to talk about my match!
Hobo: Hmm… that’s pretty odd.
Suddenly the phone rings again. Raptor
answers it again.
Voice: I forgot to say, don’t bring anyone.
Raptor: No, you said that.
Voice: GRR! Godd@mn it! I knew I screwed up
somehow.
Whoever it was hangs up again.
Toby: Do you think you should go?
Raptor: What have I got to lose?
Hobo: Nothing… I guess.
THAT
NIGHT…
We see Hobo, Toby and Raptor driving
along in Hobo’s limo. Raptor looks at the time… 9.50pm.
Raptor: 10 minutes to go.
Hobo: I wonder what they’ll tell you?
Raptor: Who knows…
Driver: We’re here!
Raptor hops out, on the corner of Jobthem
Street and Secretadvisor Road. There he waits for a while. Until, up the other
end of the dark alleyway, a figure, dressed in all black, a trench coat, and a
hat that covers their face appears. They look around, and signal Raptor to come
up to them.
Raptor: Who are you?
Female
Voice: That’s not
important…
Raptor: Your voice is horribly familiar…
Female
Voice: Stop it! If you
find out who I am, I won’t help you. So stop thinking about it. I’m here to
talk to you about Jarred…
Raptor: Jarred?!
Female
Voice: Yes. Jarred. I
know a couple of weakness’ of his. First off, he has an Achilles heel.
Raptor: Where?
Female
Voice: His ass.
Raptor: WHAT?
Female
Voice: Yes. His ass.
He has hernias. Don’t ask me what from, maybe getting taken from behind by the
devil, who knows. So if you need a quick pin, just go for Jarred’s ass. Kick
it, hard. Give him a bubba bomb, anything that gets his ass.
Raptor: Umm… riiiiiiiight… Anything else?
Female
Voice: Of course there’s
more. I found something you might be interested in. Remember how you found Ashlee’s
yearbook?
Raptor: Ashlee… yes…
Female
Voice: Well, take a
look at this.
|
CLASS OF 666 B.C. Most likely to be convicted of
necrophilia before the age of 25:
Jarred “Evil my ASS!” Carthallion |
Raptor: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAH!
*Dies from laughter*
Female Voice: Thought you
might like it.
Raptor: *Still dying from
laughter*
Female Voice: Yes, it is
pretty damn funny.
Raptor: *Finally calming down* Aww god. That’s gold… That is damn fantastic! But
why are you doing this?
Female Voice: Because I’d
rather be seen in public with a wWo member, then have Jarred as a 3 time world
champion.
Raptor: Oh, well if
you don’t like wWo members then, why didn’t you go talk to Def Metal or Primetime?
Female Voice: Hmm… That’s a
good point!! D@MN IT! D@MN IT! I knew I’d screw up. I knew it! Give me the
book!
She snatches the
book off Raptor and runs off down the alleyway. Before she’s gone, Raptor
catches a glimpse of her long, blonde hair… And before he leaves… he notices
something on the ground. A BWO key ring, that must have dropped out of whoever
that woman was’ pocket. He turns around, and goes back to Hobo’s limo.
Hobo: Who was it!?
Raptor hands Hobo the BWO keyring, and Hobo drops it, not wanting to touch it!
Hobo: EWW! Don’t give me that… Don’t answer my question;
I don’t think I want to know who it was.
Raptor: *looks like he’s about to throw up* I need to get my mind off that…
Couch: *poking his head in the car window* Let me interview you then?
Raptor: You always interview me, couch. It’s
getting boring.
Couch: Oh well then… ummm… let’s dress it up a
bit then.
He opens the car door to reveal he’s
wearing a “Henry the Octopus” costume.
Raptor: Screw it, that’s interesting enough.
Couch: Now, Raptor… it’s been a long week, but
First Blood is under 24 hours away. How do you think the week has gone so far?
Raptor: Hmm, well, quite frankly, I think apart
from my Christmas party, it’s been pretty lackluster. I mean, apart from Defy
and I bashing each other, nothing very dramatic has happened. Nothing major, at
all. Jarred and Primetime haven’t even shown their faces. It’s like they’re
almost… scared. Scared that if they speak too soon, we’ll be able to rebut
their claims. That we’ll be able to roll them. But oh well, I’ll just keep
yapping, in the hopes that maybe they’ll show up soon.
Couch: It’s first blood week, the most
anticipated week of the year in the EMF world. Are you getting excited?
Raptor: Hell yes! Getting my title back, on the biggest
show of the year… how could I NOT be excited?! It’ll be fun. It’ll probably be
one of the most memorable nights of my career, alongside the wWo lockdown and
Legacy of Blood, where I won my first EMF championship. So I will have won my first one at Legacy of
Blood, and I’m about to win my second one at First Blood… Now that I think of
it, we should rename more Pay Per Views to have Blood in their name.
Couch: *laughs* Right.
Raptor: Oh come on, Couch, I don’t one of those
Coach like fake laughs. You don’t need acting lessons like he does.
Couch: *laughs properly*
Raptor: That’s better.
Couch: Now, tell me Raptor. What are your
plans for the match? Do you plan on focusing on one particular opponent? Or are
you just going to go all out?
Raptor: To be perfectly honest, I haven’t
thought about it. I mean, Def Metal and I have our legendary rivalry. Jarred
and I have our history, and everyone on this earth knows I flat out fucking
hate Primetime. So I could pick one of them… But I’ll wait until the day to see
what I feel like doing. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, so to speak.
The only thing I know for sure is I plan on walking out of there the winner,
with my belt back in my possession.
Couch: Yes, now, Primetime, the man that stole
the EMF world championship from you, is still to show his face. What if he doesn’t?
Raptor: I’ll have to beat him, and I’ll have to
beat him bad. This is First Blood! This is the biggest show of the year! You don’t
no-show for First Blood! I’ll be disappointed, that’s for sure. But oh well,
what happens, happens. The winner of these matches is usually the one who can
adapt to whatever happens, so I’ll just have to adapt.
Couch: Now Raptor… this match is for the World
title. You’re not nervous?
Raptor: No! I’ve been in many matches for this
title before. The wWo won it at lockdown, I won it at Legacy of Blood, then
defended it successfully against Jarred, and then defended it again, unsuccessfully,
against Jarred and Primetime. I’m not nervous. I’m excited.
The world title
means everything to me. It’s what I live for. I don’t care for the IC title.
The TV title. The Tag title, which I still hold. I don’t care for any of it.
The World title is the only thing that concerns me. Now that I’ve had a taste, I
want more… I want way more. And I PLAN on having more. It drives me, the title.
Maybe it drives me a little insane. Who knows. But it’s my one and only desire.
And no matter who I have to go through, be it Metal, Satan, or boring ass old
guy, I’ll do it. No matter what it takes. I’ll die trying. The world title is
all that matters to me in this world, now. It is the one and only thing that
drives me. And I’ll sweat, I’ll bleed for it. For the greatness is gives me.
For the money it puts in my bank account. For the glory of being the world
champion, winning the title, at the most glorious show of all time, First
Blood. Def Metal wants it this bad too… I know. He’s never held it, he hasn’t
felt it’s radiance. It’s addictive presence. But all the same. He’s dying for
it. But I’m sorry Def. I can’t let you take it from me. It drives me mad, not
holding the title. It screws with my head. That thing was mine, for 2 whole
months. I was the man who finally broke the first PPV defense curse. I DID IT!
And I kept that title away from Jarred Carthallion as best I could. Now he’s
going for it again, too. I’m afraid I’m going to have to eliminate him first
again. Because there is no way in heaven or hell that a Dark Circle member is
going to hold an EMF title, let alone the World Title. I won’t allow it. And
Primetime. As desperately as he wants to hold on to the title. I’m not going to
slow down for any one. Def, my friend… I think… Jarred, my bitch, and
Primetime, my hated foe. All 3 will walk in with hopes, and dreams. All 3 will crawl
out, with their hopes and dreams crushed. By me.
And at that
time, when they are struggling to stand, distraught by their loss, I’ll be
partying down with the wWo, many, many ladies, with the world title around my
waist.
Raptor is on
the Rampage, boys! The Hunt for the Title is on once again. There’s gonna be no
stopping me this time.
The limo pulls up outside Raptor’s house,
and he jumps out, before Couch can ask him another question, ending this promo…
The EMF’s most unstable
stable…