(Copyright HRC - Characters courtesy of Alliance, to be returned asap! 09/00)
Coming Home
As
I stroll down the steps of the Consulate, I remove my Stetson and run the brim
through my fingers.
I look up and take in a deep breath; I have said my goodbyes.
I have come to that time in my life when I need to start again – I know
that is what must happen.
I start to walk forward again, against the will of the city wind that
blows in my face.
The sky is darkening as the sun begins to set in the murky haze of
another Chicago evening.
All around me I hear the bustle of the City workers heading home to their
families after a days work.
The pathways are full of people, but, strangely enough, it is as if
nobody is there.
I have a deep sense of loneliness, but I also feel at ease.
I knew this day would come, but now it is here, my thoughts are confusing
my emotions. I
do not feel sad, nor do I feel happy.
I am almost oblivious to the world that surrounds me.
I begin to think of how things would be different if I stayed, but soon
banish those thoughts as I step out to cross the road catching fleeting glimpses
of past memories.
I smile to myself.
A car blasts at me as I hold the traffic for a few more seconds while the
crossing clears.
I acknowledge the driver, thank him, and move on.
As
I walk the roads to my apartment, it occurs to me that this will be the last
time I make this journey. I begin
to notice tiny details that I had never seen before.
All the windows in surrounding houses are closed, shut tight.
A curtain swishes as a set of prying eyes move away from my glance.
I tilt my Stetson to acknowledge a passer by; they ignore me.
The iron railing fence, next to which I am walking, is rusty and broken.
I reach out and touch it with my hand and a few rusty flakes fall down
and meet the litter-strewn pavement. I
smell the air as a breeze stirs up a tiny whirlwind of dust which dances around
my feet. I have reached my
apartment.
Home
for the last time, I check my watch. I
am behind schedule but do not feel the need to hurry.
I do not want to eat, I am not hungry this evening.
I prepare Diefs food then realise that he is not there to eat it.
I feel my stomach lurch as I think of him; I miss him.
It is strange for me to feel that way about an ‘animal’.
I still try to replay it in my head.
I talk to him out loud, I apologise to him for not saving his life, as he
had mine, time and time again. I
sigh, deeply, checking my watch again.
I
begin to gather my belongings. I do
not have much in the way of ‘physical’ belongings.
Carefully, I begin to pack. I
resist opening my Fathers journals; I will read them during my journey.
As I open a cupboard door I notice a space where I would normally hang my
uniform – there is no uniform to hang there now.
Astutely folding all the other items of clothing I come across a long
thing box at the back of the cupboard. Inside
there is a dead rose. I close my
eyes as extreme emotion runs through my body.
I want to take it with me, but another part of me knows that this is one
goodbye that I shall never get to say. I
put the box, and its contents, to one side.
I whisper goodbye to her.
I
leave the key to my apartment hanging on the door handle.
It is strange – I never used the key, I never locked my door.
I think of Ray and how this annoyed him.
A rare smile spreads across my face.
I shall miss Ray.
The
airport is full of hectic people rushing around to catch flights and say
farewell to loved ones. I walk over to the check-in desk and hand in my ticket.
As I leave Chicago behind me, I glance back to see if there is anybody
there. Of course there is not.
I am ushered onto the plane – for once, I am behind schedule.
Chicago begins to disappear into the distance. I place my hand upon the small window and peer out into the
darkness. My breath causes the
window to mist up. Almost
frantically I wipe a clearing so that I can see out again.
I push my hand against the glass as if trying to reach down and touch the
fading image. “Goodbye”, I say
quietly……..”Goodbye”…..
The
short flight feels like a lifetime to me. The
aircraft lands, I have almost reached my destination.
I feel slightly nervous, this confuses me as I was not expecting to feel
this way. I feel like a small boy
who has taken the last cookie from the jar – I am ‘excited’.
I step down onto the hard concrete and in a blur the airport and city are
behind me. I find myself walking
along an icy pathway towards the ashen remains of a welcoming site – my
Fathers cabin. I stand motionless
as something surrounds me. It
envelops me. I fill my lungs with the clear, cold air; I exhale, my breath
freezing. I am totally unaware of
the bitter cold wind – all I can see is translucent vivid blue sky, snow
capped mountains, and a vast expanse of ‘nothing’.
I hear nothing but the sound of my own breathing and the distant call of
a wolf. I kneel down and remove my
gloves pushing my hands deep into the snow.
Tiny holes begin to appear in the blanket of fresh snowfall as tears fall
from my eyes and bury their sadness in the snowy grave into which they settle
and freeze. For all my sadness, I
take a moment and absorb my ‘new’ beginning.
I lay on my back, outstretched on a soft bed of white snow. The sunlight awakens me and a smile beams across my
face……..
I
am home……I am home……