Ever noticed that cartoon shows have certain rigid rules? Similar to What goes up, must come down and The likelihood of an ice-cream cone falling onto the pavement is directly proportional to its height (in scoops).
Newton's First Law of Cartoon-shows:
There is always a silly moral at the end, like: "Remember, Kids, Never
Run With Scissors! Always Share! Avoid The Undead! Don't be a Snarf,
Because They Suck And Even Nice Guys Pick On Them! Don't do Drugs,
Except Prozac!" And so on.
Mr T, Bravestarr, He-boy, Papa smurf, Alf or a Genetically-Altered Adolescent Judo Terrapin would address "the kids on the other side of the TV" with earnest expressions and inane advice. Usually, 30-30 The Humanoid Horse would lounge around somewhere, cleaning his gun and lobbying for the NRA. Panthro, a Mr T substitute, would deliver platitudes and engine oil from under the Thundertank. It didn't stop. Even 4-year-olds laughed at them. Cartoons should never have an axe to grind, as you can't laugh for half an hour then listen with a straight face for five minutes. I saw a 1960's Captain America cartoon once (The SA Broadcasting Corp was rather scraping the bottom of the barrel), where Cap A. went up against the evil Dr Red! Fighting Communism the Cartoonland way! With Uppercuts! I fell off my chair laughing. I hope Senator Mccarthy wont get me.... ;)
Likewise Newton's second law: Energy is neither created nor destroyed. It merely changes phase.
Thus, Newton's second cartoon Law:
Evil is neither created nor destroyed. It is merely stored in sealed
underground chambers until a chance earthquake sets it free. (This
always happens, even in old B-grade giant man-eating scorpions
movies.) Super-villians are never conclusively killed. They keep
popping back up, like round-bottomed Mickey Mouse toys or Hulk Hogan.
This is very annoying, as one cannot defeat the Witch and win the
battle before Bed-time, like in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe;
Nooooooo-ooooo, every fun picnic event or carefree spring morning is
disrupted by the malevolent vengeful undead, who won't even wear paper bags
over their moth-eaten skulls so as not to scare children. This
perpetuates the old lie that evil cannot be decisively defeated; much
like It is Sweet and Fitting to Die for Your Country and Condoms
Really Work. Even if a villian is killed off, a worse one pitches up
as if sent for by urgent post, or the creep somehow re-emerges from
the fires of Barad-dur like Sauron. Bugger.
Newton's Third Law of Cartoon-shows:
[much like the
Law of Inertia...] Characters are Good or Bad because the
animators SAY SO. They don't really have any choice – It's In Their
Nature And It's Also Their Destiny. (They must have a contract or
something.) Can't they deviate a bit on their day off? Bet the
Thundercats catch quick smokes between takes. Maybe Slyyythe
volunteers for Habitat For Humanoids, and keeps a picture of his
dear old Mum next to shots of himself as a tadpole. He also is a
card-carrying member of Henchmen Anonymous, and draws disability
benefits after a particularly mean HERO tortured him simply because He
Was Bad; the HERO can do no wrong. Anything the HERO may do to
the enemy is justifiable because He's The Good Guy, and They Are
Bad. Presumably they are Bad because they slink around looking
shifty, snigger to themselves a lot and attack without warning.
Much like hyenas. Or Jackals, or Vultures for that matter...
(there should be a Save the Mutants Fund. Get 'em back on their
feet with a steady income so they don't have to go back to Henching.) Of course,
no one stops to ask why blonde/redhead musclebound louts (with sorcerous edged weapons)
should be allowed to wander at large around the countryside, violently objecting
to the local landowner's employees arresting him as a dangerous lunatic...
The Good guys ignore the Baddies until some sort of fight occurs; then it's no holds barred. I've never understood these tactics. I mean, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, right? Also, Good guys just hang out and occasionally build a new merchandiseable vehicle; Bad guys delight in being nasty and spend hours cooking up complex and frankly quite stupid plots when a well-aimed guided missile works even better. All the conflict seems to be centred on magic swords, or in the very least a magic ring. Anything shiny that goes *TING* really. (Real good guys would destroy such sorcerous objets d'art, as it's frankly too dangerous for so much power to exist; carelessly leaving magic swords around has caused more cartoon war than anything else - the UN Cartoon Summit has tabled endless resolutions, but Jaga refused to listen! What hubris... King Lear died for less). Why does there have to be any war in cartoon land? This really bothers me. Everyone should have some validity to their cause. Except Mum-blah, as it should be sent back to the hell it came from. I detest DEAD THINGS. Call me Necroist, I don't care.
Notice also that major super-supervillians are so powerful that attacking them is impossible, and yet said uber-creeps can never put together a cohesive plan to actually WIN. This is because good always triumphs By A Happy Chance, and Disorganised Good Intentions Never Backfire (real life could never be more different. Look at Somalia). Most cartoon action occurs when useless henchmen are sent to kidnap someone or steal something because Uber-badguy is too busy watching life pass it by on the big-screen slimepit or ghostly floating movie-screen (there is never popcorn. Ever). If Mumblah could presumably see everything, gloating all the while, (Mwa ha haaaaa arrrgh gasp blaaargh), why did the Thundercats always HIDE behind a group of straggly bushes and glare at the pyramid? Muttering imprecations or making pretty speeches about the futility of evil before going home to cry in their beer/socially acceptable child-friendly substitute? It was all rather pointless, really. Uber-Nastypants would steal a Thunderbabe/magic sword/flying horse (usually as a birthday present for his evil cousin, Evil-Sheila or Evil-Daisy or Evil-Lynnie - their names start with "Evil" in case you confuse them with the token chicks on the side of Good) and then the Good types would rush off to the rescue. Note that Nastybreath, even though he/it is EVIL, still cares enough to arrange birthday parties for family. I don't get this. Mobsters and gangsters LIQUIDATE family. They don't risk glimpsing their horrid reflection just to see a rictus of a smile on Cousin Evil-Lizzy's face.
I think Super-supervillian is really repressed by over-controlling undead parents (there's a disturbing image) and short-sighted scriptwriters; baddies are never "human" or even vaguely sympathetic. Perhaps Bad-yet-Unhappy Guy plants pretty lavender knot-gardens and takes streetkids out for Happy Meals on his day off (but this isn't necessarily what a Good guy would do. Good guys have to wait until a building falls on a streetkid before they can intervene in any way. The child is then trained as a Successor). Maybe buying a kid a Happy Meal is the easiest way of destroying them (like letting them watch He-twerp's or She-blah's over-merchandised crap in the first place) but at least Snot-spit's heart is in the right place. It may be an adamantium suction-pump psuedo-bionic device, but it's covered in a layer of pure eighteen-carat gold and glowy green icky insect ichor. Ag sweet, hey....