Part Two:Out to Lunch (And Dinner!)

The next morning, Zack and Ivy were in Acme Headquarters.

Zack held up the current roster. "Chief, may I have a retake? I hate my
picture."

"Why?" Ivy asked, taking the roster. "It's a good picture."

"It's a stupid picture."

"No," Ivy argued. "It's a good picture of you looking stupid!"

Across town, at a medical center. Nigel Skeffinger waved to his friend and
partner. "See you this afternoon at Acme, Valerie." He opened a glass door,
and went into the courtyard. He felt someone grab his shoulder. What is it
now, Jacob, he thought silently as he turned around. He received a shock at
who was there. "Carmen Sandiego! What are you doing here? This is a hospital
zone!"

"There's something I need to tell you," Carmen explained. "I'll be perfectly
straightforward. If given the chance, would you date my henchwoman, Sara
Bellum?"

Nigel looked horrified. "No! No, and if you didn't hear the first two times,
NO!"

"And why not?"

Nigel looked terrified. "She's too stubborn, she's too reckless, and I'm too
young to die! Why are you asking me this?"

Carmen sighed. "Sara's in love with you."

"How? Nobody's interested in me."

Carmen looked Nigel in the eye. "If I told her you're not interested, she
won't believe. Perhaps if you told her yourself, she'll back off. I've
already arranged lunch for you today."

"No! Under no circumstances--" Nigel began. He stopped short. "Did you say
lunch? As in 'not dinner' ?"

Carmen smiled. "Only over my dead body will any VILE operative have dinner
with an Acme detective. So, will you please have lunch with Sara and tell her
how you feel?"

Nigel was resigned. "I suppose so. But will you kindly tell her I'm not
interested beforehand? I don't want to disappoint her that much."

"Oh, I will."

A few minutes later, Carmen had taken Nigel to the VILE cafeteria. "Wait
here," she commanded Nigel. She went in. She was only gone for a five minutes
when she came back. "OK, it's ready."

Nigel sighed and followed Carmen into the empty cafeteria. At least, empty
except for Sara sitting expectantly at the table. Nigel sat down.

"I'll be back in a while," Carmen informed as she left.

"So, Nigel? Shall ve have polite converrsation?" Sara asked. Not waiting for
an answer, she commented, "I have a postcard of Neil Simon bowling. Do you
think William Shakespeare could have beaten Neil Simon at bowling?"

Nigel looked confused. "Why are you asking such a question?"

"Do you have a strrranger one?"

"Sure. Do you think Jane Austen could have beaten Charlotte Bronte at chess?"

Sara shrugged "Think Charles Dickens could have beaten Lewis Carroll at
Clue?"

Nigel braced himself. "Do you have any other questions?"

"Vhat do you think are zee the chances of us getting marrried someday?"

"Oh," Nigel said. "I'd say, a google to one.

Sara sighed. "A google is one followed by a hundred zeros."

"Sara, you're older than me."

"Only five years!"

Nigel looked nervous. "Shall we change the subject?"

Just then, one of the VILE operatives came in and approached the table.
"Sara, do you remember me? Harold Angel?"

"Ah, yes," Sara answered. "But I don't think my sweet sprrrocket would
approve of me talking to you. Nigel may get jealous."

"I wouldn't care if you went to talk to Moe and Lars!" Nigel cried. "And I am
NOT your sweet sprocket."

Harold ignored him. "Sara, would you like to go to the movies with me?"

"My sweet sprrrocket vouldn't like to see me go to the movies vith someone
else."

"I wouldn't care if you went to the Moon!" Nigel wailed.

Harold held up a rose. "Would you like this flower?"

Sara shook her head. "I don't think my sweet sprrrocket would approve of me
accepting such a gift."

"I am not your sweet sprocket, and I wouldn't care if you accepted a dozen
roses and a six-pound box of chocolates from him!"

Sara wasn't listening. "Vhen ve go on planes, he'll probably insist I sit in
first class."

"I'll insist you sit outside strapped to the wing!" Nigel blurted out. "And
I'd rather crawl three thousand miles on my hands and knees before I'd get on
the same plane as you!"

"May I please have a glass of water before I go?" Harold requested.

"I don't know. My sweet sprrrocket may not want me to give you water."

Nigel only said, "I wouldn't care if you gave him a glass of water and a
twelve course turkey dinner with all the trimmings."

Carmen returned. "Harold, what are you doing here?"

"I'm just on my way out," Harold replied. He left.

Sara eyed Carmen. "Von't you excuse me?" She left as well.

Nigel grabbed a coat sleeve. "Carmen, I'm going insane and I'm taking you
with me! I thought I thought I told you to talk to Sara and make her behave!"

"I did," Carmen said apologetically. "She is."

Sara came back. "The VILE dance is tonight, and I just know my sweet
sprrocket vill ask me!"

"I am not your sweet sprrocket," whined Nigel. "And I wouldn't ask you to a
garage sale!"

"Isn't he zee cutest thing?" Sara sighed. She left, humming.

Nigel looked at Carmen. "Well? She thinks I'm taking her to the dance."

"I could think of an alternative," replied Carmen. "If you wish."

"No. I'm going to the dance and royally dumping Sara. Even if I have to do it
in front of all of VILE."

That afternoon, Nigel knocked on Valerie's door. Valerie answered it and let
him in."

Nigel looked at Valerie's desk. There were crumpled pieces of paper on the
desktop, the floor, and the trashbin was full. "What are you doing?
Destroying a forest?"

"I suppose so," Valerie sighed. She crumpled another piece. "I've ruined six
sheets of paper by crying on them, another two because I misspelled words,
and the rest  either weren't written neat enough or wasn't worded elegantly
enough."

Nigel picked up a piece of paper and read it. "Dear Armando, I've just wanted
to tell you--" He stopped. "Valerie, you're in love with Armando?"

"Yes," Valerie admitted.

"I'm sorry, Val," Nigel replied, putting down the letter. "It's just that two
divided by love can only be one, and one is a lonely number. Loneliness is no
one's friend. Believe me, I should know. I've been taking the same kind of
ride."

"Nigel, Judith never did anything to return your love."

"I was referring to Sara Bellum!"

"Sara Bellum?" repeated Valerie. "What happened?"

"She's under the mistaken impression that I'm taking her to a dance tonight.
Problem is, most of VILE is going to be there."

"But you work for Acme."

"Exactly, Val. They'll kill me. But then again, I'd rather die than date
Sara. But I have to go, like it or not."

To be continued