"Everything's Relative", by Mona.


Hi. My name is Zackary. But if you don't mind, I greatly prefer Zack. You
already know I work with my sister to try to capture Carmen Sandiego.

What's that? Where am I? Oh, yeah. Ivy and I are in ACME Detective
Headquarters with our friend and fellow detective, Jasmine. Right now, we're
talking about family get togethers.

"What?" I asked. When Ivy and I were little kids, all we had in the backseat
was a mayonaise jar!"

Ivy agreed with me. Quite the accomplishment to use it successfully at
seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonaise since."

"Or speedbumps," I added. Then I asked, "Don't you remember when Dad brought
us to the police charity ball?"

She stared at me. "All I remember is you jumping on a banquet table yelling,
'food fight' "

"Stick in the mud," I muttered just loud enough for her to hear.

"Warmonger," she retorted.

"Party Pooper!"

"Rebel!"

"Stop, or we'll be here all night!" Jasmine interrupted.

"Ooh, I wish I'd thrown that pie in your face when I had the chance!" Ivy
said to me. "Besides, it's time to go to dinner."

"No fancy stuff," I added. "We don't want to be weighed down with a heavy
meal, lots of appetizers, and expensive desserts."

Ivy thought a moment. "It's your turn to pay, isn't it?"

"You know me so well!"

We all laughed at this. Jasmine asked, "Aren't you eating with your parents?"

You've probably wondered who my parents are. OK, I'll tell you. Dad's first
name is Charles, but no one calls me that except Mom when she's really mad.
As for his job, he a police officer for the San Francisco Department. He
works a WEIRD amount of shifts. One day, he's working the swing shift and the
next, he's working the graveyard. He's won the Dedicated Detective Award for
the last ten years running. (Think I'm joking? Shame on you!) About three
times a year, he actually flies out of the country. What does he look like?
Well, he's a few inches taller than Ivy. Dad also has blue eyes and red hair.

Not even "Dear old Dad" can prepare you for Mom! She has a multitude of jobs.
One of them is an accountant. Not to mention businesswoman, prima ballerina,
and ice skater on occasion. (You'd never guess by watching her in action, but
Ivy is a total klutz on skates. So am I. Surprising? Then wait till you see
her in a bowling alley!) Mom is actually the one who helped me gain my
language expertise. She flies out of the country nearly every week. Her first
name is Kaitlyn, although her friends call her Kate or Katie.Dad's dedicated
to his job, but Mom has always been, I don't know. I guess "obsessed with
success" is the right word. As for her appearance, she's shorter than Dad
with blonde hair and green eyes.

OK. So you know about my parents. What? Why don't you see them? Well, like I
said, they're into their jobs, and my sister and I are into ours.

"Look, Jasmine," Ivy was saying, "I don't know what goes on at your house,
but Zack and I can sit in the empty living room late at night. Him at the
jigsaw puzzle, me at my crossword puzzle, neither parent in sight, not a word
between us, and be perfectly content."

Jasmine only sagely replied, "I've been told it was a lot like that near the
end in the Romanov household."

I knew she was only joking, but her words shocked me. (Don't you wonder what
went on with the Romanovs before they were all shot by the Bolsheviks?)

"Um, Zack? Ivy?" Jasmine asked. "When was the last time your family had
dinner together?"

Ivy's expression went completely blank. "I- I don't remember."

"I remember us all sitting around the table at my last birthday party," I
commented, trying to jar my memory.

"Zack, your last birthday party was two years ago,"

"TWO YEARS?!" Our boss, the Chief, exploded.

Had it been that long?

As I pondered this, Ivy asked me, "Remember the times Dad took us to the
police station. He made a big game of locking us in one of the cells and
pretending to lose the key."

I remembered. "Remember Dad's partner?"

"Parter!" she exclaimed.

"What did he do?" asked Jasmine.

"He had a very strange sense of humor," Ivy explained. "When Zack was about 5
or 6, Parter thouht it would be funny to handcuff him." She snickered. "All
Zack had to do was put his wrists down and the cuffs slipped right off."

The Chief laughed. "Oh, someone's coming in!"

The doors opened, and who was standing there but-

"Mom! Dad!" Ivy cried. "What are you doing here?"

Mom replied, "We are going home to have dinner together."

"Family dinners are important," Dad stated. And we don't have them nearly
often enough."

"You got THAT right!" the Chief declared.

"I know the line. Beat it." Jasmine noted. She curtsied and left.


To Be Continued......