(Fade into the SOL bridge. Mike is standing in front of the bridge. Carmen walks on stage.)
Carmen: Boy is it good to get out of that movie theater... the repetition was starting to get to me...
Mike: Yeah...Hey, wouldn't it be nice if we had a popcorn machine in here?
Carmen: Well sure, Mike.
Mike: Popcorn for the movies again, yeah that would be nice...
(Enter Tom looking ticked off)
Tom: Mike! Crow's stealing my banana warmers!
Mike: Huh?
Tom: Yeah! And he won't tell me where he put them!
Carmen: Well, I'm sure they'll turn up eventually T-
Mike: Hey, wouldn't it be nice if we had a popcorn machine in here?
(Crow runs in)
Crow: Mike? Have you seen my sweater?
Mike: No, Crow I haven't.
Carmen: Crow, would you give Tom back his banana warmers?
Tom: Mike! Crow's stealing my banana warmers!
Carmen: Yes, Tom, we're working on it...
(Enter Gypsy)
Gypsy: Chief? Davy? Rocky? McCloud!
Carmen: Gypsy?
Mike: Huh?
Tom: Yeah! And he won't tell me where he hid them!
Carmen: Look, if we could all just calm down for a minute...
Crow: Mike, have you seen my sweater?
Mike: No Crow, I haven't!
Carmen: Look, Crow, about those banana warmers...
Mike: Yeah...Hey, wouldn't it be nice if we had a popcorn machine in here?
Gypsy: Mike, the fission generator is about to explode, we'll all be destroyed!
Mike: Huh?
Carmen: Oh God.. Gypsy, how long do we have...
Crow: Hey, Carmen, whatcha got there?
Mike: Huh?
Carmen: Wait a minute, Gypsy.
Mike: Popcorn for the movies again, yeah that would be nice...
Tom: Mike! Crow's stealing my banana warmers!
Carmen: Again?
Tom: He won't tell me where he put them!
Carmen: Yes, Tom, we KNOW! Now Gypsy, what's this about the fission reactor?
Crow: Mike, have you seen my sweater?
Gypsy: Chief? Davy? Rocky? McCloud!
Carmen: Gypsy? Get back here!
Mike: No Crow, I haven't.
Carmen: Mike, would you HELP me here? The fission reactor's gonna--
Gypsy: Mike, the fission generator is about to explode, we'll all be destroyed!
Carmen: I know! How do I fix it?!?!
Mike: Huh?
Carmen: What the HELL is going on here?!
Crow: Hey, Carmen, whatcha got there?
Mike: Yeah...Hey, wouldn't it be nice if we had a popcorn machine in here?
Tom: Mike! Crow's stealing my banana warmers!
Crow: Mike, Have you seen my sweater?
Mike: No Crow, I haven't...
Gypsy: Chief? Davy? Rocky? McCloud!
Tom: Yeah! And he won't tell me where he hid them!
Crow: Mike, have you seen my sweater?
Gypsy: Mike, the fission generator is about to explode, we'll all be destroyed!
Carmen: AAARRRRGGGHHH! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK! (storms off screen)
Tom: Eh? What's wrong with her?
Crow: I think the fic is getting to her, Mike.
Gypsy: Oh, false alarm on the fission generator, Mike, it was just the coffee machine.
Mike: Oh, okay...We'll be right back...(goes off screen) Hey, Carmen! Wait up!
(Commercial light starts blinking)
Tom: Oops! Heh, heh.. We'll be right back.
(Fade out)
(Fade into the theater. Riffers take their seats)
Find Carmen Lost in Time, Part 2
(Many Deaths of Carmen, Part 7)
Carmen: Which is actually part 5 on the Manor's fic page.
Crow: Mike! Make her stop my head hurts!
Brief Summary of Part One:
- Carmen "dies" in explosion
- Carmen sends message from past to Chief
- Wild goose chase in the past
- Carmen leads Globie into the future
- Standoff in St. Petersburg
- Globie's BCCC 3000 get tuned up, then leaves 2030
Twelve
Location: International Space Station, 220 miles above
sea level Year: 2045
Carmen: The ACME BabbleChronoCyberCom 3000 can't travel up here without hooking up to some other power source, so Globie can't come here, so might as well relax.
*** C-5 portal opens ***
Carmen (during C-5 Portal): Well, I think my addiction to pudding began during my childhood...
Globie: Guess again, Carmen. The Chief in 2030 tuned it up so it can travel to the Moon and Mars without any outside power source!
Carmen: Well, well, well. I guess I can't beat everyone every time. So, you've got me, Globie.
Carmen: Not.
Globie: I have orders to take you back to the present and arrest you.
Carmen: Well, to do that, you'll have to catch me first!
Globie: Bet on it, Carmen.
*** Time Tunnel opens ***
Globie: Ready or not, here I come, Carmen!
*** Time Tunnel closes ***
Carmen: Is this the best you can do, Globie? Follow?
Tom: (sings) He will follow her...
Globie: Guess again, Carmen.
*** Globie pulls out 'cuff cannon ***
Carmen: Uh oh.
Mike: Tries to write a understandable fic....
*** Globie fires ***
Globie: Missed!
Crow: Which one of us said that?
*** Globie fires again ***
Globie: Bull's eye!
Carmen: What in the name of Agnes is this?
Mike: God's name is Agnes?
Tom: And here I thought it was Alanis!
Crow: (Metatron): She's quiet.. and funny. God's got a great sense of humor..
Globie: The ACME Time Cuff Special Carmen Edition!
Carmen: And you took it out of the package?
Tom: That'll bring down the price on eBay....
Carmen: Very nice, Globie. Even though my hands are tied, but I can still run!
*** Globie fires ***
Globie: Now, I've got your legs, too.
Tom: Words Globie will never say to another woman...
Carmen: Very clever. But we'll see who has the last laugh when we get to the next location!
Carmen: If I have to crawl kicking and screaming out of this fic, I'll do it!
Globie: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will not hurt me, Carmen.
Carmen: Oh, you'll see, Globie.
Carmen: When I whomp you with the world's biggest dictionary.
Tom: How big is that?
Carmen: 6 tons.
Globie: Hah!
Carmen: Well, here we are, Globie. Welcome to your destiny!
Mike: I am your mother.
Carmen: GAH!
Globie: Really?
Carmen: NO!
Carmen: Oh, you'll see, Globie. You'll see.
Crow: Just look into the nuclear reactor and smile for the birdie...
Globie: Yeah, right.
Thirteen
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Year: 2047
Mike: Oh yes, Globie was SUCH a great detective Acme relocated to his home town.
Carmen: Here we are, Globie...oops.
Tom: (sings) I did it again....
Carmen: Damn you Britney Spears...
Globie: Get her, boys!
Future Chase: Carmen Sandiego!
Carmen: (waves)
*** Carmen arrested ***
Globie: Chase! Good to see ya!
Future Chase: Globie! I thought you died in that Chronoskimmer accident back in '21!
Crow: (through his teeth) Wish you still were dead...I mean...hey!
Globie: Well, I'm here in 2047 now, and that's what matters. By the way, where's Zack, Ann, Ivy, Polly and the Chief?
Future Chase: Well...
Globie: Well?
Tom: WELL?!
Future Chief: GLOBIE!
Globie: Whoa!
Future Chief: Look, Ivy! Globie's back from the dead!
Globie: What? I'm not dead!
All: DAMN!!!
Future Ivy: Globie! You look really...young.
Globie: Well, I was coming from 1999.
All: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Future Chief: Gimme your ACME BabbleChronoCyberCom 3000 that I fixed in 2030, Globie. I wanna take a look at it.
Future Zack: The police are here, Chief.
Future Chief: Send them in, Zack.
Carmen: Huh?
Mike: I'm just as confused as you are.
Globie: What's this?
Future Chief: A paddy wagon.
*** Carmen taken away ***
Future Zack: We can finally close the Carmen file!
Tom: The fifth time is the one that really tears you up...
Globie: You mean...
Future Polly: The file was opened since 1985 and now, we can finally close ACME's longest open file!
*** All cheers, except Globie ***
Carmen: CHEER, DAMMIT! Okay...must settle...
Globie: I dunno what to say...
Future Chief: Just say yes, Globie...
Tom: After all it's how this all got started.
Mike and Crow: Whoooo!
Fourteen
Location: Gehenna Prison, The Moon
Carmen: Okay, so now rip off Jaci's fics.
Year: 2047
Carmen: Where am I?
Convict 1: You've just been shanghaied, that's what!
Mike (Carmen) :I've been roped into a lukewarm movie with Jackie Chan?
Convict 2: Well, look here! It's Carmen Sandiego!
Crow: Duh!
*** Convicts awake ***
Convict 1: Thinks that the law is just a toy, she sez.
Prison Guard: SHUT UP!
Carmen: I don't find this "chat" very amusing, due to the fact that you dimwits probably don't have the gadgetry that I have!
Crow: Go-go gadget...
*** Carmen's gadgets short circuit ***
Crow: Oh rats.
Convict 2: So much for your "gadgetry"! Ha! Ha!
Carmen: So, what happens here?
Convict 1: Well, we're all here for murder, treason, and the like. Everyday, we work, and work and work. When your time here is up, you get sent to Earth, and you begin again with a stain in your record.
Tom: you know, for illiterate cell fodder, this guy's got more lines than Obi-Wan.
Carmen: That's it?
Convict 2: Nope. You're here for life. We're here for an another day, and we're free. You, Carmen Sandiego, still haven't faced trial, so you'll be coming with us,
Carmen: (quickly) DON'T EVEN THINK OF GOING THERE....!!
but you'll be in a cage and we won't!
Carmen: What happened to VILE?
Convict 1: The Villains' International League of Evil? Well, after the death of you in 2021, with a guy named Globie, Sara Bellum took over, then Fast Eddie B. killed her, then dissolved VILE, and now, VILE is nothing on Earth!
Mike: Um, did ANYONE understand that?
Carmen and the 'bots: Nope.
Convict 2: I was a member of VILE back 3 years ago. Caught trying to steal the Stanley Cup from Toronto!
Carmen: Good for you. And can anyone bust outta here?
Convict 1: Nope. 23 tried and 23 victims. One was Fast Eddie B., by the way.
Carmen: OK, so escape is futile.
Mike: Along with resistance.
Crow: Then how the hell did Jean-Luc escape?
Tom: Guys! Focus!
Convict 2: That's right.
Carmen: Is there any way to contact Earth?
Convict 1: Can the talk. You have a visitor.
Carmen: How do you know?
Convict 2: The green light on the top of your door goes on when you have a visitor. Red means you're trying to escape and yellow means the door's opening.
Carmen: Well, let's see who this "visitor" is!
Tom: Oh, no one special. He'll just open up your chest cavity, digest your soft organs and lay his queens brood in your chest.
Carmen: But he's not an alien.
Mike: Course not!
Fifteen
Location: Gehenna Prison Convict Visitor Room, The Moon
Year: 2047
Globie: Hello, Carmen.
Carmen: Hello Globie.
Future Chief: Hello, Carmen!
Carmen: Hello Future Chief.
Crow: Knock it off.
Globie: Ready for your trip to the present, Carmen?
Carmen: Oh, yes, Globie.
Future Chief: OK, fire up the Time Tunnel.
Carmen: OK, to the present
Carmen: I got a present? Oh boy, oh boy!
*** Time Tunnel opens ***
Carmen: Ciao.
*** Carmen escapes ***
Globie: I told you not to activate the Time Tunnel on her side!
Tom: D'oh!
Future Chief: Ann, the Carmen from the past has escaped.
Future Ann: Oh, boy. You guys should come back to HQ.
Crow: The coffee machine's broken again!
*** C-5 portal opens ***
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Year: 1999
Chief: Globie! Come in!
Chase: It's no use, Chief. He's too far into the future to receive a Videophone call from 1999.
Ann: We can't stop trying.
Mike: Yes you can.
Polly: I'm going after him.
Zack: No!
Ivy: We need as many people in the present as possible.
Jaci: I'll go.
Laurie: No, Jaci. If you go and help Globie, you'll probably mess things up, especially if he's in a one on one standoff with Carmen!
Crow: (Laurie) Remember, we're still useless women!
Jaci: I guess you're right.
Polly: In the meantime, how's about some coffee, donuts and cookies?
Tom: Enough with the life long vendettas! Let's have some snacks!
Chase: I'm starved.
Laurie: I'll go and get some cots.
Ann: I'll help.
Zack: Will we have to pull an all nighter?
Ivy: I hope not, little bro.
Zack: I'm gonna go.
Ivy: No, Zack, wait!
*** Time Tunnel opens, then closes ***
Tom: Not in there! You never put the seat down!
Sixteen
Location: NBC Studios, New York City, New York
Time: 2021
Host 1: Welcome to Dateline NBC. Tonight...
Crow: Stone Phillps is hit by a truck on live tv...
Host 2: Carmen Sandiego. Is she really dead? Or is it yet an another joke by the diva of deviousness?
Carmen: No, it's not funny. It's a Globie fic.
Future Chief: Globie, this is where Carmen's time ship exploded 3 days ago. You were right here, and you were blown clear across the street into that wall over there.
Globie: Really? Maybe I might be able to save myself!
Tom: (laughs) I doubt it!
*** Time Tunnel opens, then closes ***
*** Time Tunnel reopens, then closes ***
1999 Globie: There I am! Globie! Globie
2021 Globie: Huh?
1999 Globie: Get out of there!
*** 1999 Globie tackles 2021 Globie ***
Carmen: Well, he's finally accomplished his life long dream- picking a fight with himself.
*** Both rolls out of danger ***
Carmen: GC!
Tom: Huh?
Carmen: Shorthand for Grammar check.
Tom: Ah
1999 Carmen: Carmen!
Future Chief: Oh, no! Our quarry is gonna be blown to smithereens!
1999 Globie: Not if I can help it!
2021 Carmen: Oh NOOOOOOOO!
Mike: There's no way out of this fic!
*** Explosion ***
1999 Globie: Catch her!
*** Carmen hits ground ***
Carmen: (falls off her chair) Ow! (off camera) You know there's a lot of candy down here you never picked up...
Mike: Sorry.
(Carmen gets back up.)
*** Time Tunnel opens, then closes ***
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Time: 2021
Future Chief: Is she all right?
Globie: I think so.
Future Chief: She's coming to!
Globie: I'm taking you back to the present, Carmen.
Future Chief: I'll fire up your BCCC 3000.
Globie: Farewell, Future.
Tom: And good riddance.
Future Chief: Take care! Don't be a stranger!
Carmen: Y'all come back now, ya hear?
Globie: I won't!
*** Time Tunnel opens, then closes ***
Seventeen
Location: Time Tunnel
Year: Somewhere between 2021 and 1999
Carmen: Ugh...
*** Carmen tries to escape ***
Tom: Using the leather high heels and pink underwear.
Carmen: Tom? Since when was I the kinky MacGyver?
Globie: Uh oh, a time vortex. If I don't get through, I'll be dead, and I won't be able to contact anyone in the present.
Mike: Suddenly the need for matrix-style slow mo becomes apparent....
Carmen: Bet on it...
*** Carmen pushes Globie into vortex ***
Globie: AAAAAAAAAAAA...
All: HUZZAH!
*** Carmen escapes ***
Chase: GLOBIE!
Globie: Chase! No! Don't!
Tom (Chase): We can't let Jaci catch us like this!
*** Vortex disappears ***
Chase: GLOBIE!
Location: Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea
Year: 2135
Mike: Five years after the armageddon.
Carmen: You have no idea.
Mike: Huh?
Carmen: 2130 ref. Let it go.
Globie: Ugh...Where...? Why am I in Port Moresby? Lemme check the Chronoskimmer to see what year I'm in.
*** Chronoskimmer flashes 2135 ***
Globie: 2135? What? How?
Crow: Who? Why? When?
*** Videophone rings ***
*** Chase appears, but with heavy static ***
Chase: Globie! How did you get to 2135?
Globie: I don't know. But I don't see Carmen anywhere.
Chase: Hold on, I'm coming!
All: AAAAAAGGGH! NO!
Globie: No, I can...oh, nope. My BCCC is running out of juice. I can only make a time jump to...2002.
Tom: So, go to Salt Lake City, catch the Olympics, bet on 'em....
Carmen: And watch the Salt Lake City Olympics Committee make off with all the cash.
Chase: Shoot for 2005. Then, the BCCC will have enough power to send a distress signal so the Chronoskimmer ship can track you down and take you back to the present.
Globie: OK, here goes.
Chase: We'll be waiting...
*** Time Tunnel opens, then closes ***
Globie: Chase, is there any sign of Carmen anywhere?
Chase: Nope. Wait...There's a blip on 2020!
Globie: ID.
Tom: Reads "under 21 until 2003..." GET OUTTA HERE, KID!
Chase: It's Carmen!
Globie: I'm going to get her.
Chase: No, Globie, no...
Crow: IT'S A BAD FIC, LET IT GO!
Eighteen
Location: Maui, Hawaii
Year: 2020
Tom: Aloha!
Carmen: Ah, no ACME agents from the past to disturb my vacation to the future. That's the life.
Globie: Guess again, Carmen.
Carmen: Globie!
Globie: Let's go, Carmen.
Carmen: Isn't that a nicely blood soaked shirt you're wearing.
Mike: Goes nice with the blood soaked pants, socks...
Globie: I don't care. I want to arrest you first.
*** Transfer to Globie's mind ***
Crow: I'm honesty scared what we'll find...
Mike, Carmen and Tom: (murmur in agreement)
Globie: I must have had a rough landing in 2135. Oh, god. Never mind the broken stuff and the 2 centimeter wound,
Tom: Oh, so Globie's a doctor now,
I've gotta catch Carmen first! Oh, ouch. I think that was an arm.
*** Back to Hawaii ***
Carmen: Let's go.
Globie: OK, Carmen. This ends. NOW!
Crow: How many times have we wished that?
*** Time Tunnel opens ***
Carmen: Ciao.
*** Globie jumps in ***
Globie: Oh, no, you don't. Not this time!
*** Time Tunnel closes ***
Location: Time Tunnel
Year: Between 2020 and 1999
Carmen: You can't catch me, Globie. Face it.
Carmen: Please do!
Globie: Oh, yeah?
*** Chronoskimmer ship appears ***
Carmen: Uh oh.
Globie: So, what do you say NOW?
Tom: That a major plot hole brought you the power for the ship.
*** Carmen arrested ***
Chase: Thought you might need some help!
Globie: Oh, really?
Chase: Are you bleeding?
Globie: No. Wh...
Crow: It's just a flesh wound.
*** Collapses ***
Chase: Oh, no.
Nineteen
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Year: May 19, 1999 - 11:55 PM
Carmen: San Francisco! San Francisco. Acme HQ is in SAN FRAN-CIS-CO, DAMMIT!
Mike: Whoa! Easy there Carmen.
Ann: Is he okay?
Polly: I think so.
Chase: We should transfer him to a real doctor at the hospital.
Carmen: No...send a fake TV one...like George Clooney.
Tom: Oh shut up.
Mike: Do you both need a nap or what?
Zack: Let's get going.
Jaci: I'll stay here.
Laurie: Where's the Chief?
Jaci: I don't know.
*** All except Laurie and Jaci rush out ***
Laurie: I'm glad Carmen's behind bars again.
Jaci: Coffee?
Crow: No, it's called PRISON!
Laurie: Yeah, sure.
Jaci: But what was Carmen's motive? Trying to go on vacation?
Laurie: I think so.
Jaci: I'd better call the Chief. CHIEF!
Tom: Sadly, Jaci forgot that the Chief had gone to Tiajuana for the week.
Chief:
Jaci: Chief! Globie has finally arrested Carmen...
Laurie: But he's on the way to the doc.
Carmen: (daydreaming again) Yes the doc..that wonderful...*ahem*
Tom: You SURE you're okay?
Chief: What?
Laurie: He was pushed into a time vortex, and landed in 2135.
Chief: So you're saying...
Jaci: Carmen almost killed Globie.
Mike: So close and yet...
Chief: Carmen Sandiego...
Carmen: Good grief, you'd think I was a hit man or something.
Laurie: Relax, Chief. Globie's arrested Carmen already.
Chief: That's good to hear.
Jaci: Well, let's wait until Zack calls.
Chief: So, where's Carmen's henchmen?
Laurie: They're all in the big house, so never mind them.
Tom: They're visiting Bill Gates?
Chief: Incoming call from Zack.
Jaci: Let's see what he has to say.
Twenty
Crow: That's all Zack says?
Location: Foothills Hospital, Calgary, Alberta
Time: May 20, 1999 - 2:30 AM
Zack: Doctor!
Carmen: (daydreaming) Why yes Dr. Ross...that's EXACTLY how it-
Mike and the 'bots: (stare at Carmen)
Carmen: Um...um....no, I'm...um...fine.
Doctor (Extra): Zack, Globie will be all right, he hasn't waked up yet, that's all.
Mike: Apparently, you can get a Ph.D without an English degree, huh?
Ann: How bad is it?
Doctor: Something I call semi-serious.
Crow: Doctor-speak for, 'I've haven't got a clue!'
Chase: What is it?
Doctor: Internal bleeding, 3 inch long and 1 cm wide wound from cutting something sharp and wide in 2135, 2 broken arms, 1 leg (the already broken one), loss of not too much blood, slight head wound, mild concussion.
All: And a partridge in a pear tree.
Polly: That's semi-serious?
Doctor: I've seen others with even worse conditions, Ms. Tix.
Chase: Lemme see.
*** All rush ***
Doctor: One at a time, folks. If all 4 of you go in, you'll give him shock!
Tom: Really?
Crow: Then BRING ON THE ACME SOFTBALL TEAM!
Tom: With the June Taylor Dances!
Chase: OK, me first.
Ann: Don't talk too loud, Chase. And don't try to wake the dead with your guitar!
Carmen: Use the blood of the innocent like everyone else!
Chase: Oh, rats.
*** Cut into room ***
Mike: (foreman) Right! You guys get the sledge hammers and we're gonna knock down that wall, through the beams and struts and run conduit through the whole thing!
Chase: Globie?
Globie: Ooh...
Chase: It's me, Chase.
Globie: Chase...
Tom (Globie): Oh YES stud muffin... lower!
Carmen: Ew.. Tom!
Chase: How are you feeling?
Globie: Terrible...
Chase: Any music?
Mike: It makes the people... come together!
Tom: Yeah?
Carmen: Ugg...
Globie: No, Chase...you'll wake...the dead...at...the morgue...
Tom: And I will speak like Shatner.
Chase: OK, fine.
Ann: Get out, Chase, it's my turn.
Globie: Ann...
Carmen: ANY of you say ANYTHING and I will take away the shower for a week!
Mike and the bots: Awwww...
Polly: Globie, Carmen's behind bars.
Globie: That's...good...
Ann: Polly, what in the name of George Washington are you doing here?
Crow: Of all the historical figures to envoke, we go with the one who had wooden teeth?
Polly: It's none of your business.
Globie: Knock...it off...
Tom: I must...talk...like...this.
Twenty One
Tom: Twenty One? Of Five sections?! WIth God knows how many sections left?! END! EEEENNNNNNNNNDDDDD!!!!
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Time: June 4, 1999 - 11:30 AM
Ann: Globie! You're finally back at work.
Crow: It only took him some 14+ days to heal from massive head wounds? What gives?!
Carmen: Simple. If you don't use it, it heals faster.
Zack: How do you feel?
Mike: (Steven Wright) You know that feeling when you're about to fall off your chair but you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time.
Globie: Not too good right now.
Chase: Coffee?
Tom: Tea?
Crow: Messy death?
Mike (Globie): Messy death?
Crow: Coming right up.
Tom: (makes chainsaw noises)
Carmen: Don't give Lenore any ideas.
Globie: Yeah.
Polly: So, I guess TV reruns made you come back sooner.
Globie: Why do you say that?
Polly: Well, summer is the season of reruns.
Tom Well there's always new Millionaire....
Chase: True.
Ann: TOO true.
Crow: So, more irrelevant conversation?
Zack: So, how's about lunch on me today?
Tom: Cuz I'll puke it all up onto you.
Chase: Uh oh, here comes the Chief.
Mike: (Chief) Globie, you;re incompetent and fired...oh, and we hate you.
Chief: I see you're back for work and typing up the case report, I see.
Globie: Chief, why didn't you come to the hospital at all?
Chief: Um, I was busy.
Crow: Wills are alot harder to write if the person didn't authorize it...
Chase: Yeah, right.
Chief: OK, so I might have forgotten! ACME was involved in a VILE cleansing operation during the time you were absent.
Tom (Motherly tone): We were going to arrest them, but when we saw what condition their rooms were in, we grounded them until they picked everything up....
Globie: Oh, really. So, what happened?
Chief: We cleaned out the VILE bases...
Zack: And arrested all henchmen...
Ann: And all VILE bluecoats...
Chase: And caught the ringleader, Sara Bellum...
Tom: (Chase) And did this all without you.
Polly: And the rest is history.
Globie: I guess you've been busy.
Polly: We sure have.
Tom: And wouldn't you-
Mike: TOM!
*** Clock chimes 12 ***
Carmen: We only have one more hour to get through the Labyrinth!
Crow: (To "As the World falls down") It's such a crappy/ fic and it hurts/ a kind of/slow burn..."
Zack: Lunchtime. Let's go!
Crow: Right, we don't wanna be eating when the nurse gets here to give Globie his enema.
Carmen and Mike: Guys...
Chief: I'm famished.
Globie: You're a computer, Chief.
Chief: Oh, oops.
Tom: Yet ANOTHER example of robot bashing!
Crow: Bigot!
*** All laughs ***
Carmen: Ah yes, the good ole days of pointless laughter and bad grammar.
Twenty Two or Epilogue
Tom: Is this the last Epilogue or the next to last?
Carmen: Ten more sections Tom.
Tom: GAHH! Shut me off me now!
Location: Gehenna Prison, Alert, Nunavut Territory, Canada
Time: June 5, 1999 - 11:45 PM
Crow: Geez, how many Gehenna prisons are there?!
Carmen: Star light, star bright. Wish I may and wish I might, make my dreams come true tonight!
Sara: Well, this is an another fine mess you've gotten us into.
Maelstrom: Carmen, think of your past.
Carmen: As William Faulkner said, "The Past isn't dead, it hasn't passed yet."
Mike: Yeah, well, Will also said that about his lunch...
Crow: Riker's on board?
Tom: Yes! Kill him!
Sara: What's that supposed to mean?
Medeva: Yeah.
Dr. Belljar: That saying has no meanings at all, Carmen.
Carmen: Only because Globie doesn't understand it.
I.I. Captain: So, mateys, what will we do in the hell of Davy Jones' Locker?
All: Shut up!
I.I. Captain: Aye, mateys.
Crow: We said shut UUUUUP!
Prison Guard: Dinnertime!
Dr. Belljar: I'm famished.
Carmen: Hold it!
All: What?
Maelstrom: What is it now, Carmen? People want to eat, you know.
Carmen: Oh, never mind.
Crow (Carmen): The brood couldn't survive anyway...
Carmen: No dessert, please.
Medeva: Let's go!
*** Flash to canteen ***
Mike: Mos Eisley!
Tom: Cool! Where's that band?
Carmen: No dessert, please.
Medeva: Why not, Carmen?
Sara: You know why, Medeva.
Carmen: So says 'She Who Is Without Donuts.'
Maelstrom: Or is she too fat? Ha! Ha!
Carmen: I do not find all this amusing.
All: A-MEN!
VILE: We might hate Carmen, but we're still loyal to VILE!
Carmen: Uh...huh. Note to self: Cancel the VILE Dental Plan.
Maelstrom: And how might you prove that?
*** Melee erupts ***
Carmen: Why did I ever recruit a bunch of bozos in the first place?
Tom: Hey, you were the one who wanted nonviolent crime...
*** Melee continues ***
Dr. Belljar: I don't know.
Carmen: Oh, shut up, Belljar.
All: A-MEN!
--- The End (For Now) ---
All: NOOOOOO!!!
Tom: Thus ends the horror that is the 5th part of Many deaths!
Crow: From it's corpse rose the plague of part 6...
Carmen: And the demon of propetual nausia
Mike: No wonder no one actually eats anything..
Crystal Fragments, Part 1
Tom: So is this a Sailor Moon fic now?
Crow: Hey are those lesbian scouts in this one?
(The Many Deaths of Carmen, Part 8)
Tom: Screenplay by Herman Goering.
Crow: Screen Story by: Genhis Kahn.
Mike: Based on the Novel by the Marquis de Sade.
Carmen: And a short story by Torquemada.
Cast:
Crow: Be sure you keep your list handy as the fic goes on...
Tom: When you spot five in a row you could win a fabulous prize.
Mike: Be the first to guess the real killer and get this lovely silver set
Crow: I did it!
Tom: CROW! That's the second time you've done that!
ACME:
- Jaci
- Chase Devinaux
- The Chief
- Ivy
- Ivan Idea
- Herman Nootix
- Suhara (Carmen's partner during her ACME
days)
Carmen: Oh great, Globie dragged Suhara into this. Poor guy, hasn't he been through enough?!
VILE:
- Carmen
- Sara Bellum
- Medeva
- Dr. Belljar
- Moe Skeeter
- Hannah Lulu
- Fast Eddie B.
One
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Time: June 7, 1999 - 7:45 AM
Jaci: Hey, Chief.
Chief: Jaci, what in the world are you up?
This is Ivan Idea
and Laurie's shift!
Jaci: Laurie's on vacation.
Chief: Oh, yeah. Where's Globie.
Carmen: And, for future reference, it's I Don't Know on third.
Herman Nootix: Off somewhere in Asia.
Mike: In a Turkish Prison
Tom: Having a painful--
Carmen: TOM!
Tom:--cavity search. What did you think I was going to say?
Chief: What? He's on next shift with you, Jaci!
Ivy: What's the racket? Can't anyone get some sleep around here?
Crow: Nope.
Chase Devinaux: The paper just came, and it's not good.
Mike: It's got all these words on them.. row after row of them! And I think if you put them all together, they might be important!
Ivan Idea: What is it?
Chase Devinaux: Carmen has escaped from Gehenna in Nunavut, so, put ACME on world wide alert.
Crow: One of the maids left the screen door open.
*** Phone rings ***
*** Chase talking ***
Mike: Mike riffing.
Crow: Crow watching.
Carmen: Carmen snoozing.
Tom: Tom composing a thirty volume essay on What Makes A Good Fanfic and Why Globie Is Incapable of Ever Doing So.
Ivy: Who was it?
Chase: The prison warden from Alert.
Chief: Is there something wrong?
Jaci: Carmen died?
Chase: That's right.
Chief: NOOOOO!
Mike: Poor guy... But you'd think he'd be used to it by now..
Crow: Yeah really...
Jaci: OK, back to work. Now that Carmen's loose, there's no time to relax!
Tom: She's DEAD! There's no need to panic!
Carmen: Hey! Even as a corpse, I'm damn tricky!
*** All leaves except Ivan and Jaci ***
Carmen: All LEAVE....
Jaci: Close the file, Ivan.
Ivan: Right.
Crow: Push the button, Frank.
*** Ivan starts closing file ***
*** Static ***
Jaci: Carmen!
Carmen:
Ivan: What in the world does she mean?
Jaci: I dunno. But let's ask the Chief.
Two
All: (sing) Turtle Doves!
Location: Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco,
CA
Time: June 7, 1999 - 12:35 PM
Jaci: Well, here we are at ACME's old building. What did they do with the building?
Mike: Shiwan Khan has hypnotised the entire city!
Tom: Enough with the Shadow references!
Ivan: I dunno. The Chief rented the building to some businessman. Besides, we're not here to see ACME's old building! We're here to find Suhara!
(Carmen begins to stand up and stalk towards the screen)
Tom: Uh...Carmen?
Crow: SHE'S GONNA BLOW!
Jaci: Where's the others?
Ivan: I guess they're all across the globe now.
Jaci: Look! There's Suhara now.
Suhara: I believe you are looking for me.
Tom: I sensed a disturbence in the Force.
Ivan: Yeah, dude.
Jaci: We need help solving Carmen's "memory lane" caper.
Mike: We're too damn lazy to watch "Deja Vu" and "The Remnants" again.
Suhara: Yes, I remember. Before she went to a life of crime, we were on one caper where she was placing bits of a diamond that she had made in a Hawaiian volcano.
Carmen: NO! MORE FEELING!
Tom: Plus he's ripping off "Hot Ice" now.
Jaci: She placed it all across the world, and we have to find all the fragments first!
Ivan: How big is the diamond you're talking about, Suhara?
Suhara: I only saw it once, it was about 3 times the size of the Hope Diamond in Washington.
Crow (Suhara): Just don't tell anyone we have it. Woo boy would we take a hit in taxes!
Ivan: Where are the diamond fragments?
Jaci: Let's find the first fragment before those VILE creeps can find it!
Suhara: The first fragment is at South Ferry Station.
*** C-5 scene to New York ***
Mike: (NY cabbie) Hey! I'm telaporting here!
Location: South Ferry Subway Station, New York
Time: June 7, 1999 - 4:45 PM
Jaci: OK, Suhara, where did Carmen put the fragment?
Sara: Don't bother looking, ACME. I've got the fragment!
Ivan: I'll use the walking stick.
*** Ivan extends walking stick ***
Crow: There's a walking stick in his pocket AND he's happy to see us!
*** Sara sent flying, drops fragment ***
All: Get the fragment!
*** Train approaches ***
Ivan: I got it!
Three
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) French Hens!
*** Continuation of last act ***
Tom: The HELL?!
Jaci: Great grab! We've got the first fragment!
Carmen: No! No! No! I'm sorry this is not working for me! We'll have to so it all again!
Mike: Um.. Carmen? They can't hear you.
Carmen: Yeah, right kid, get me a sandwich from the commissary willya?
Mike: Commissary?
Tom: (snickering) Kid?
Ivan: Suhara, where's the next piece?
Suhara: I remember the case now. A thief was stealing transportation objects! The second fragment should be at Kowloon Station in Hong Kong.
Crow: And this has WHAT to do with the diamond?
Mike: Work with it Crow, this is a whole other realm of existance.
*** C-5 to Hong Kong ***
Location: Kowloon KCR Station, Hong Kong
Time: June 7, 1999 - 5:30 AM
Jaci: Kowloon Station.
Ivan: There it is! Under that train on platform 2!
Suhara: I think you'll have to wait awhile until you can retrieve the fragment.
Tom: Fragment? I see no fragments here.
Carmen: Good point, Maurice! PROPS! Where the hell's that diamond fragment?!
Jaci: Looks like Fast Eddie B. isn't taking any chances.
Fast Eddie B.: I've got the fragment! Ha! Ha! You ACME agents can't get the crystal now!
Mike: Kindergarteners in a dippy play act better than this!
Ivan: Wanna bet?
Mike: Sure do, pal...
*** Ivan chases Fast Eddie B. through station ***
Jaci: He went into the Through Trains platform!
Crow: We watched him and he went anyway!
Suhara: Then, let's follow Fast Eddie! You go ahead. I need to get something first.
Tom: My agent. I'm gonna kill him.
Carmen: NO AGENTS ON THE SET! And where the hell's my sandwich?!
Tom: Uh.. Mike?
Mike: I know, just ignore her...
Ivan: Let's go! Suhara, wait here until we've got the fragment.
Jaci: Let's go!
*** Down stairs ***
Tom: (sings) Down stairs, look what's waiting for you!
Ivan: There he is! He's escaping on one of those speeders!
Jaci: And there's a Northbound leaving the station! If we hold on to that train, we might be able to catch him!
Ivan: Is this an express?
Jaci: Afraid not, Ivan. This line has no expresses!
Carmen: No Espressos! Not on my set. Vinny! Get that damn coffee machine fixed!
Crow: Who's Vinny?
Carmen: You nimrod!
*** Flash to front of train ***
Ivan: There he is!
Motorman: What in the world are you doing?
Mike: Reading a really bad, pointless fic. What does it look like we're doing?
Jaci: ACME Detective Agency! No stopping until we catch that speeder! This crook is getting away with KCR and ACME property!
Motorman: Full speed ahead! This is Train #234 to Lo Wu, over.
Kowloon: Come in, 234.
Motorman: We have a VILE villain with a speeder heading toward Mong Kok.
Mike: Suspect is considered armed and stupid.
Requesting for a diversion for the speeder at Mong Kok yards.
Kowloon: You got it, 234. Good luck, ACME agents.
Crow: We'll tell your loved ones you died fighting.
Four
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) Calling birds!
Carmen: Take four! ACTION!
Tom: Ow! I'm not a marker!
Carmen: Maurice? Where's the props?
*** Continuation of last act ***
Ivan: Nice station. Curvy too.
Tom: You don't get out much, do you?
Where's Fast Eddie?
Jaci: Look! A note!
Crow: Listen! It's cold!
Tom: Hear this! I'm hungry!
Ivan: Dear ACME: I have escaped, even though that you have diverted me onto a spur track, and I have crashed the speeder into the bumper. - Fast Eddie B.
Crow: I dunno, at least Carmen's clues are entertaining.
Tom: And consider some brain power.
Jaci: Motorman! Stop this train! Police! Fence off the whole station! Do not leave the station, motorman. This train is now terminated!
Mike: Hasta la vista.
Ivan: OK, we'll have to search the train for any other clues.
Tom: There are clues in this fic?
Mike: In theory, at least.
< Later >
Location: KCR Ho Tung Lau Yards, New Territories,
HK
Time: June 7, 1999 - 11:30 AM
Ivan: Any clues?
Jaci: Nope.
Motorman: Is the train OK to go back into service now?
Suhara: Yes, you and your train may go.
Crow: And go while you can! Make a break for it, buddy!
Jaci: OK, we've got 1 and VILE's got 1.
Tom: So let's have lunch.
Carmen: I can't have lunch now! Tell Armand to reschedule for 2:30....
Crow: Uh...Mike?
Mike: I know, I know.. but what do you want me to do about it?
Ivan: Where's the next one, Suhara?
Suhara: I remember that Carmen has hid it in one the berths at Seattle's Streetcar Car Barn.
Mike: Man, he sure knows alot about where this stuff is...
Jaci: C-5 to Seattle.
Crow: Think we'd be lucky and they'd arrive during the earthquake?
Mike and Tom: No.
*** C-5 scene to Seattle ***
Location: Seattle, Washington
Time: June 7, 1999 - 7:34 PM
Jaci: Here we are at the Car Barns, but there are no streetcars here.
Carmen: Barns? I said satellites! SAT-TELL-ITES!
Suhara: Try the storage room. I think it was there.
Mike: I mean it should still be after ten years, right?
Ivan: OK, let's go.
*** Opens door ***
Ivan: There it is!
Mike: And it's holding the murder weapon!
Jaci: I got it!
Ivan: Let's get out of here!
*** C-5 out ***
Ivan: I think that was the easiest fragment ever!
Crow: It stopped fighting after the third blow to the head...
Jaci: Let's go back to HQ and get some coffee!
Ivan: Capital idea! Let's go!
Tom: Meanwhile VILE has gotten all the other fragments.
*** C-5 closes ***
Five
Mike and the 'bots (sing) Goooooollllllden Rings!
Carmen: FIVE! We haven finished the first one yet!
Tom: Hey! She said something sane! Mike! I think she's coming out of it!
Carmen: How the hell do they expect the fifth sequel to be out when we haven't done the first four!
Tom: Mike, can we switch seats?
Mike: No.
Location: Honshu Seikan Rail Tunnel Portal,
Aomori, Japan
Time: June 8, 1999 - 3:00 AM
Jaci: Here's the crystal fragment.
Ivan: I got it.
Medeva: Not so fast, my pretties.
Crow: (hums Witch of the West theme)
Jaci: Medeva!
Ivan: Pick up the fragment and let's beat the stuffing out of Medeva, and then go and get the next fragment!
Tom: Violence solves everything!
Jaci: By the way, Suhara, how many fragments are there?
Suhara: 7 parts.
Carmen: THEY WANT 7 SEQUELS?! Armand, get the head of the studio on the horn!
Tom: I'm not Armand!
Crow: No. He's Maurice..I think....
Carmen: Oh. Well, where's my sandich?!
Tom: Gah!!
Medeva: That crysta1 fragment! Give it to me!
Ivan: What exactly does the crystal do?
Jaci: The crystal out together will make ACME's computers faster. It was meant to be a gift to ACME, but unfortunately, I dropped it, and it shattered into 7 perfect parts.
Tom: (Jaci) I'm such a klutz.
Crow: Wait a sec, who made this thing? Carmen or someone else?!
*** Sounds of Medeva being beaten up. ***
Medeva: Stop! Help! Mercy!
Jaci: No mercy!
Ivan: No surrender!
Crow: No way we're coming out of this alive!
Mike: Now Crow, think positive!
Suhara: We have 3 parts already. They have 1. We have to get on with it before those VILE people get the rest of the 3 that's still out there!
Tom: Then we'll swap them for Boardwalk and Park Place!
Jaci: Let's get out of here!
Crow: Good idea. (gets up to leave, but Mike pushes him back into his seat)
Ivan: But I was having so much fun!
Jaci: NOW.
Ivan: Oh, OK.
Suhara: I remember that the 5th crystal fragment lies in wait at the wreck of the Empress of Ireland, a Canadian Pacific ship sunk in 1914 that we saved about 2 months before she went to a life of crime.
Tom: ARRRGH! IT HURTS!
Carmen: Get the studio nurse. Maurice's assaulted the vending machines again!
*** C-5 scene to St. Lawrence River, Canada ***
Ivan: Are you sure?
Suhara: I'm positive.
Mike: I have Mono.
Jaci: Let's get going.
Ivan: Should we take Medeva to the Japanese Police?
Crow: Nah, she's suffered enough.
Jaci: Let's just kayo her, call the police, then leave a note in Japanese to arrest Medeva, and leave a copy of the warrant!
Suhara: Medeva kayoed, and tied up, and the note and warrant in place.
Mike: And tell the legal department to expect brutality lawsuits.
Carmen: What, are the vending machines going to sue?
*** C-5 portal closes ***
Six
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) Geese-a-laying!
Location: Empress of Ireland wreck, St. Lawrence
River, Canada
Time: June 8, 1999 - 2:30 PM
Jaci: Well, here's the wreck of the Empress of Ireland. But where's the crystal?
Ivan: I dunno.
Suhara: I think it was on the deck someplace.
Jaci: Let's all check the deck thoroughly.
Tom: Little did they know. it was in the hull the entire time!
Ivan: I think it's in this chest.
Suhara: Yes! This is the chest!
Crow: And what a chest it is!
*** Chest opens ***
*** Stuff floats out ***
Tom: Could you be a little more vague?
Ivan: There's a Carmen chest!
Mike and 'bots: Say....
Jaci: Open it up!
Tom: Now I'm not expert on human physiology Mike, but wouldn't that hurt?
Carmen: Vinny! You want ANOTHER sexual harrassment suit lodged against you?
Crow: But my name's not Vinny!
Suhara: I've got Carmen's key, if you want it to open the chest.
Jaci: Great!
Ivan: I've got it!
Suhara: The diamond fragment! We've got 4 now!
Tom: Is it a diamond or a crystal? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
Ivan: Let's get out of here before any VILE shows up!
Jaci: Let's go!
Dr. Belljar: I'm here for the diamond, and I'm not leaving until I've got it!
Crow: But you won't mind if we take the CRYSTAL right?
Jaci: Guess again, Belljar. We've got the crystal.
Hannah Lulu: Not if I have anything to say about that!
Dr. Belljar: Surrender! You're surrounded.
Jaci: Do you really think we ACME agents would give up to a bunch of idiots like you? Think again.
Tom (Dr. B): Ha! Silly Agents! We do not think at all!
Carmen: Evidently. You haven't gotten the props yet MAURICE!
Tom: Which one of us is Maurice?
Dr. Belljar: You will not get away with the crystal fragment!
Crow: Diamond!
Tom: Crystal!
Crow: Diamond!
Tom: Crystal!
Hannah Lulu: And I'm here to make it so.
Mike: (Captain Picard) Number One, engage.
Ivan: I don't think so.
Suhara: Jaci, catch!
*** Suhara gives crystal to Jaci ***
Jaci: Over here, Belljar.
Mike and the 'bots: Keep away!
Carmen: Hey! My sandwich!
*** Jaci passes to Ivan ***
Ivan: Let' get out of here!
Seven
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) Swans-a-swimming!
Tom: At this point I wouldn't mind to find my head mailed to a signifigant other...
Carmen: I'll say. Are we paying these yutzes on scale? And give me my sandwich!
*** Continuation of last act ***
Ivan: Let's get out of here!
Jaci: No! We will fight on to the end.
Mike: We shall never surrender. Never have so many done so much with so little.
Suhara: Jaci, this is gone on long enough. We do not have enough time to fool around here. We must retrieve the 6th fragment in Singapore straight away!
Crow: Then we'll find the seventh symbol for the Stargate, go home and not eat.
Ivan: C-5 to Singapore.
*** C-5 portal opens, then closes ***
Jaci: We're on our way now!
Mike and 'bots: (John Mellancamp) I'm on my waay... And I'm not running anymore!
Location: Port of Singapore, Singapore
Time: June 8, 1999 - 3:55 AM
Ivan: Jaci, Suhara and I can handle the rest of the fragments. You go back to ACME HQ.
Jaci: No, you go back to ACME HQ.
Ivan: You.
Jaci: YOU!
Ivan: YOU!
Suhara: Enough fighting! Ivan, Jaci and I should handle this.
Mike: Globie has to prove he's not a complete chauvanist.
Tom: You mean now? Where?
Ivan: OK,
*** C-5 opens, then closes ***
Jaci: Look! There's Moe Skeeter, one of Carmen's henchmen!
Suhara: Does he have the crystal?
Jaci: Nope.
Suhara: It's in the 3rd office on the left on the second level at the MAIN office.
Carmen: CUT! CUT! I'm not buying it, Suhara! Do it again!
Tom: They can't hear you Carmen. Yell louder.
Mike: Tom, don't be mean!
Jaci: Gotcha.
Suhara: I think we've been spotted.
Moe: Hey, you ACME agents. Stop!
Tom: (sings) In the name of love....
Jaci: Fat chance, Moe.
Moe: You can't take my crystal...
Jaci: Who says it was yours?
Mike: If you need something, give it to an Acme agent. If you never get it back, it was never yours in the first place...
Moe: Carmen!
Jaci: Uh-huh. And Carmen told me to stab you in the stomach!
Carmen: No I didn't! I haven't cleared it with the insurance people!
Tom: That sounds normal...
Carmen: Armand! Get the insurance people on the horn!
Crow: Spoke too soon again, Servo.
Moe: You can't take my crystal!
Jaci: So long, loser!
Eight
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) Maids-a-milking!
*** Continuation of last act ***
Suhara: I know how to ward off Moe.
Tom: (Suhara) I have a picture of Globie in a leather clown suit.
Jaci: How?
Suhara: I have a can of citronella oil in my jacket. Pour it behind us.
Crow: Now make the sign of the beast! That should ward him off...
*** Jaci pours oil ***
Jaci: Uh, oh, here comes Moe!
Suhara: Look! He's slipping!
Tom: (Goofy) Yaaaah hooo hoo hoy!
Jaci: All right! Let's get to the crystal!
< Later >
Crow: Hey! they cut out a whole section!
Mike: Yeah, but did you really want to see how they got it.. all that oil....
Crow: EEEEEEWWWWW!
Jaci: We've got the crystal! Let's go back to HQ!
Suhara: We can go and get the last fragment there.
Jaci: Look! It's Fast Eddie B.!
Suhara: And he's got the last crystal fragment!
Carmen: All right! Who the hell ripped the pages out of the script!
Jaci: Hey, Fast Eddie!
Fast Eddie B.: I have the last crystal. You can have it!
Suhara: Throw it up!
Crow: (makes puking noises)
Fast Eddie B.: Here.
*** Fast Eddie throws crystal ***
Jaci: Thanks, sucker!
Moe: Treachery!
*** C-5 to HQ ***
Moe: You idiot!
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Time: June 8, 1999 - 12:00 PM
Carmen: ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! (collapses)
Tom: Carmen? Carmen! Mike, something's wrong...
Mike: Um...welll...just let her rest, maybe she'll come out of it.
Jaci: OK, we've got all the crystal fragments.
Ivan: I found the last piece in the cafeteria in San Francisco!
Crow: I was on my way to San Jose...
Chase: Hey, neat diamond.
Chief: We have to put it together first.
Ivy: OK, Well, these two pieces fit.
Suhara: Here's three that fit together.
Herman: Here's an another two that fits together.
All: By George, I think we've got it!
Mike: (Korban) Now what?
Tom: (Kornlieus) Now we have to open the stones...
Suhara: OK, Super glue, please.
Mike: Super glue, for all your diamond assembling needs.
*** Suhara puts the diamond together ***
All: To the control room!
Crow: (hums campy Batman theme song)
*** Flash to Control Room ***
Chief: All thanks to Carmen Sandiego, we'll now have the fastest, most powerful computer in the world!
Nine
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) Ladies dancing!
*** Continuation of last act ***
Chase: Now, what will we do?
*** Suhara places diamond onto holder ***
Suhara: Ivan, please realign the beams.
*** Ivan realigns the beam ***
Crow: BEAMS! You need to realign more than one!
Jaci: Uh oh, the diamond's cracking!
Chase: Run for cover!
*** Explosion ***
Tom: Woo hoo! they're all dead!
Mike: Tom stop it!... No way we're that lucky...
Herman: 3 fragments! They're bouncing off into a C-5 portal!
Ivan: Get them!
Jaci: NOOOO!
Mike: The whole story is starting over!
Tom: I told you! I told you this was all just one big Mobius strip! But would you listen? Nooo...
*** C-5 portal closes ***
Chief: Well, we've lost 3 fragments.
Chase: I wonder where those three fragments went.
Ivan: At VILE HQ! Someone hacked into the system!
All: We've got to go and get them!
Crow: Boy they say a lot of things simultaneously don't they.
*** C-5 to VILE Headquarters ***
Location: VILE HQ, Buenos Aires, Argentina
Time: June 8, 1999 - 4:32 PM
Sara: We go out on a simple mission to retrieve Carmen's crystal, and we don't get one single fragment!
*** C-5 portal opens ***
*** 3 fragments drop out ***
Dr. Belljar: Well, look at that. ACME actually gave us 3 fragments!
Mike: Lovely.
Moe: Ha! Ha! Now we can build the world's most powerful hacker!
Tom: The hell?!
Crow: If they want the most powerful hacker, couldn't they just go to a trekkie convention and pick out the most obesce one?
Hannah: And then, we can finally hack into all security systems and steal all of the world's treasures without those ACME fools!
Fast Eddie: OK, let's get to it!
Hannah: we've got all the parts...
Moe: And all the tools...
Sara: And a born leader...
Fast Eddie: All the money...
Dr. Belljar: and all the brains!
Tom: And don't forget the cookies!
All: Let's get to it!
Ten
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) Lords-a-leaping!
Tom: They cleaned out all of VILE in the last section instantly and they weren't able to track these bozos down for two months?!
Mike: Just keep thinking Tom- Alternate Universe...
Hannah: We're finally finished!
Dr. Belljar: OK, so now we can use it through phone lines to annihilate all security systems around the world!
Crow: Why?
Tom: Just for the hell of it.
Chase: Not so fast, people.
VILE: Chase Devinaux!
Chase: OK, people, let's rumble!
Mike: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!
Sara: All systems ready!
Dr. Belljar: Set target!
*** Fighting ***
Sara: OK, target set.
*** Fighting ***
Moe: Press...
*** Fighting ***
Tom: What? No multiple KOs?
Crow: Globie's style is actually improving!
Mike: 10,000 years of hell will do that to a person...
Chase: The red...
*** Fighting ***
Hannah: switch!
*** Fighting ***
*** Sara activates red switch ***
*** Fighting ***
Sara: What did I do?
Tom: You pulling the red switch, dummy!
*** Fighting ***
Dr. Belljar: Good! You've got the firing mechanism warmed up! You press...
*** Fighting ***
Chase: The blue...
*** Fighting ***
Hannah: covered button...
*** Fighting ***
*** Sara presses blue covered button ***
Mike: Fighting.
*** Self-destruct mechanism engaged ***
Mike: Fighting.
Dr. Belljar: Sara, you idiot! You activated the self-destruct!
Mike: Fighting.
Sara: Oh, no! Let's get out of here!
Eleven
Mike and the 'bots: (sing) Pipers piping!
*** Continuation of last act ***
Dr. Belljar: Hurry! To the escape pods!
Mike: VILE has escape pods Car- Oh. Right. Unconcious.
Tom: Hey Mike? Her eyes are starting to open...
Ivan: Not so fast!
*** All VILE arrested ***
Jaci: let's all get out of here!
*** C-5 activates ***
*** C-5 portal opens ***
Herman: Hurry up!
Jaci: Let's get out of here!
Tom: You just said that!
*** C-5 portal closes ***
*** Explosion ***
ACME: Whoo-hoo!
VILE: Oh, no!
Mike: There's still more fic left!
< Later >
Chase: Are they back in Gehenna?
Crow (Chase): So, we put them right back where they broke out, eh?
Jaci: Yep.
Ivan: OK, then, let's celebrate!
Chief: How?
Herman: Where?
Suhara: When?
Tom: Why?
Ivan: I dunno.
All: Who cares?
Crow: No, Who's on first!
Ivan: Yeah!
Jaci: That's the spirit!
Suhara: Let's all go out and party until the sun comes up!
All: Yeah!
Mike: Which by my watch is in five minutes...
Chase: Nothing will stop us...by the way, where's Carmen or the diamond?
Jaci: Carmen's back in prison,
Tom: And dead.
Mike: Nice one Tom.
Tom: Huh?
and the 7 fragments are safely put together in the ACME archives.
Ivan: Who cares? Let's just go and party!
All: Let's go!
*** C-5 portal opens, then sucks everyone in ***
*** C-5 portal closes ***
--- The End (For Now) ---
Tom: Wait, we need a Twelve for the Twelve Drummers drumming!
Mike: Never mind that! I think we better get Carmen out of here...
(Mike picks up Carmen and our heroes leave the theatre)
(Fade out)
And again, "To be continued..."