(SOL doors close and the camera zooms in on the bridge.. Carmen is lying on the table under a blanket with an ice pack on her head while Mike and the 'bots look on worriedly.)
Carmen: (muttering frantically) It's in 'frisco not Canada...'frisco not Canada... (begins to twitch)
Crow: Mike, she won't stop saying that! It's scaring me!
Mike: (adds another cold compress to Carmen's forehead) It's going to be okay...don't worry...
Tom: Mike, if Carmen could go...how long before one of us goes? How LONG, Mike!
Mike: Gah! I don't even want to consider that!
Carmen: (still muttering and twitching) 'Frisco not Canada...three casts...make up your mind...'frisco, dammit... (continues muttering and twitching)
Crow: She's getting worse!
Tom: Should we let her rest? Sing her a lullaby or something? The hell should we do?
Mike: Um, guys...I hate to say this, but maybe we should call Pearl?
Crow: Not yet...um...maybe Gypsy could help!
Gypsy: (off camera) Whot happened?
Tom: Gypsy, we have a sick patient!
(Enter Gypsy with a nurse's cap on her head)
Gypsy: Where's the patient?
Mike: (motions to the bed) Right here Gyps. Can you help her?
Carmen: Calgary wrong..'frisco good...Evil One running rampant...
Gypsy: Oh my! This IS serious...
Tom: See? Please, help her if you can!
Gypsy: Well...let's see...cold compress....
Mike: Check.
Gypsy: Comfy place to rest.
Mike: Check.
Gypsy: Something to jumpstart her will to live?
Tom: THAT'S IT! Quick! Say something to motivate her!
Crow: Um....okay, got it! (pause) It's a shame. The world's greatest thief brought to her knees by a third rate fic author.
(Carmen stops muttering.)
Mike: Carmen! Um...you can steal any landmark in the world...outwit any law enforcement agency....and...you've got a really high IQ. Globie's...just a putz!
(Carmen stops twitching.)
Tom: Yeah, you can take on this jerk with both hands tied beyind your back!
(Carmen's eyes appear a bit more focused.)
Crow: Hell if you can deal with Maelstrom and a yutz like Lee Jordan, Globie should be a piece of cake!
Gypsy: Yeah...! Um...and....yeah!
Mike: Come on Sandiego, if you can't out wit Globie just imagine what they'll say at this year's VILE company picnic!
Tom: Yeah, they'll be making snide comments about you. "Oh yeah she
can eveade the police but present her with
a bad Globie fic and she shrivels up and cries!"
Crow: And if THAT happens, well...Sara Bellum might take over again.
(Carmen sits bolt upright)
Carmen: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Tom: Yeah! Come out of this state...get in there...send some riffs flying! After this, any prison time is a cakewalk compared to this torture!
Carmen: You're right!
Crow: And you can wear any scars from this like a badge of honor!
Carmen: The Evil One will NOT get the best of me!
Crow: Evil One?
Mike: I think she means Globie.
Carmen: Yes...Globie. From now on....his name shall be "the Evil One."
Tom: Heh heh...works for me.
Carmen: He is the Evil One! And he will NOT get the best of me! (hits the red light) You hear me Forrester?! HE WILL NOT GET THE BEST OF ME!
(Castle Forrester)
(Pearl is sitting in a chair, filing her nails)
(SOL)
Carmen: You hear me, Pearl?!
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: (looking up) Huh?
(SOL)
Carmen: You thought you could bring me to me knees....
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: What?!
(SOL)
Carmen: You thought this horrid Globie fic would murder me, didn't you?
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: Well...yeah. What do you-- (realizes how close to success she came) DAMMIT! I was THAT close?!
(SOL)
Tom: If only you knew...
Mike: Shut up, Tom.
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: Well, Sandiego, if you broke once, you'll do it again. Anything once broken and fixed is more likely to break again, and all that.
(SOL)
Carmen: Ha! I laugh at your pathetic "Evil One" fic!
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: If you're refering to the Globie fic, I must warn you of something.
(SOL)
Carmen: And that is?
Tom: Yeah, what?
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: He changes styles from play format to prose in part 7...the next section you'll be viewing. (evil grin) Starting now, the format changes.
(SOL)
Carmen: Do your worst, Pearl. We're ready for you, right guys?
Mike: How bad could-
Tom and Crow: (twitching) 'Frisco not Canada...'frisco not Canada...
Carmen: (glares at the 'bots) You aren't helping, guys.
Crow: Right....ahem....we're fine...really.
Tom: DIE EVIL ONE, DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! Does that help?
Carmen: Yes.
Tom: Oh good! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
(Movie lights flash)
Carmen, Mike and Crow: WE GOT FAN-FIC SIGN!
Tom: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! EVIL ONE, DIIIIIIIIIIIE!
(Carmen, Mike and Crow dash off to the theater)
Tom: DIIIIIIIIIIIIE! (notices everyone has left) AAAAH! (dashes off to the theater, shouting, "DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!")
(Theater doors. As each is shown, you can hear Tom shouting, "DIIIIIIIIIIIE! EVIL ONE, DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!")
(Fade into the theater. Riffers take their seats.)
Tom: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
Mike: Enough Tom.
Tom: Fine...
On Carmen's Grave, Part 1
(The Many Deaths of Carmen. Part 10)
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary
Time: March 11, 2000 - 11:30 AM
Laurie paced around the room, waiting, waiting. Where is that Globie gone? He's never late for work. Just then, a call comes in.
Tom ("Call"): Sorry I'm late guys, any one want coffee?
"Laurie here." It was Zack.
Mike: Ah, so Zack's a female impersonator now...
Crow: And he fills out that bra pretty nicely..
"Laurie, Globie's missing. I think there's something wrong."
Carmen: Wrong? No, it's GREAT News!
"I'll check out his room right away."
Crow: The only way in hell Laurie will EVER say that phrase.
"Roger that. Over."
"Zack, we're not operating an airport here."
Mike: So get that 747 outta here.
Laurie hung up. This is very weird. Globie wasn't in a very good mood yesterday at work. He even snapped at the Chief. The Chief! What in the world is with Globie? Has he lost his mind?
All: Yes!
Then, the Chief, in his old pink screen, appeared on the video monitor.
"Laurie, where in the world is Globie?"
Tom (Mad Sara): Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Crow: Hell no!
"Not a clue, Chief. Where do you think he might be?"
Carmen: (Laurie) You think I give a damn?
"He mentioned something about the death of a friend yesterday night in the cafeteria."
Mike: The menu was MURDER!
Crow: Recipe for DEATH!
Tom: When Souffles KILL!
Carmen: No more Nick at Nite for you three.
"Did he talk to anyone?"
"Not that I know of."
Mike: So, nothing unusual happened, then?
"I was about to C-5 to his house."
"You do that. Call me on the videophone when you find Globie, or a lead to where he might be."
"Yes, Chief."
Crow: He FELL FOR IT!
Laurie reached over for her ACME BCCC 3K. Old Globster she called it.
Tom: Strangely, everytime she mentioned the nickname outloud, the transporter sent her into a sewage plant tank..
In honor of the time Globie caught Carmen, even though he was seriously hurt form a fall in 2135.
Carmen: Nice fragment, putz.
She set the coordinates for Mt. Royal C, and pressed the launch button. The portal appeared, and in a second, Laurie disappeared into the blue portal.
Location: ACME Agent Quarters, Calgary
Time: March 11, 2000 - 12:30 PM
The mailbox was overflowing. Mail was coming in, but none got answered. And there was that birthday gift that she has gotten for Globie, still sitting there, never received.
Crow: The smell of rotting flesh drifted to her nose as she saw flies swarming the crack under the door.
Laurie knocked on the door. And there was no answer. Laurie tried again and there was still no answer. But when she could try a 3rd time, her videophone rang.
"Laurie here"
"Laurie, get back here to HQ A.S.A.P.!"
Mike: We've got a SNAFU that needs to be 86ed ASAP, OK?
"What's the problem, Chief?"
"Globie's resigned."
Tom: Oh, there's no problem then.
"I wonder what made him resign?"
"Chief, was he sent by you to capture Lee Jordan, Maelstrom and Carmen at the OK Corral?"
"That's right. Maelstrom was shanghaied, Carmen died, and Globie beat Lee Jordan almost to death for killing Carmen. What ever the motive, I hope this is NOT the repeat of the Carmen thing."
Carmen: Um...when did all this happen?
"I hope so too, Chief. Over and out."
Location: Arlington National Cemetery, Washington
Time: March 11, 2000 - 3:45 PM
"Ivy, where in the world are you?"
"Over here. Do you see Sara Bellum?"
"Nope, wait! There's someone! Code red! It's...Globie?"
Tom: Gah! Full Red alert! Run away! Run away!
"What in the world is Globie doing here?"
"I dunno. All I know is that Carmen is buried here. Somewhere."
Crow: No offense...but...um...aren't usually war heros and presidents and people like that burried there?
Carmen: (shrugs)
"Why? Carmen's a criminal. Not a national hero."
Carmen: Besides which, I'm planning on being cremated.
"Well, she once saved the US Capitol from the clutches of Dr. Maelstrom."
Mike: Okay...one good deed and you're seen as a hero.
"Let's just go and ask him what in the world is he doing here."
Zack closely approached Globie, careful not to repeat what happened to the Chief the night before. Ivy was behind him, waiting. What's Globie doing on Carmen's grave? Ivy thought.
Tom: And what's he doing with his pants down and an empty case of Bud...
Carmen: Tom...
Zack and Ivy rushed to a hiding spot, and then pulled out the binoculars. Zack took a close look, and what he saw surprised him. What's Globie, Carmen's #1 Enemy, doing on Carmen's grave? He thought.
Carmen: Number one enemy? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mike and the 'bots: (glance at Carmen, confused)
"Look, Zack. He's...crying."
"I wonder what tore into him like this."
"I dunno. I think it might be Lee Jordan killing Carmen."
"What's he holding?"
Tom: His-
Carmen: Tom!
"His ACME BCCC 3K."
Just then, a call comes in from the Chief and Laurie in Calgary.
"Laurie! We've got Globie here in Arlington."
"What on earth is he doing there?"
"I dunno. He's got his BCCC 3K and a dozen roses."
Carmen: For me?
"Give me his coordinates in Washington, and I'll try to get a satellite look."
In a few minutes, the Chief had the answer.
Mike (Chief): 42! The answer is 42! ... Ah hell.. what was the question?
"It seems he's paying respects to Carmen one more time. He's resigned. Look at this letter."
Tom: He seems to really like the song 'Helter Skelter...'
"It's his real neat handwriting too. So, he's not lying. He has resigned."
Crow (Prep voice): Oh, yes, even the Great Globie's handwriting is perfect.
"Then, I'm resigning too."
"No, Zack. Remember what mom and dad said? We're stuck, no matter what!"
Carmen (Ivy) : It's either this or the button factory!
"Forgot about the first time Globie and I resigned?"
All: Yes.
"Oh, I forgot."
"In the letter, he's ordered you not to resign."
"No way. I'm resigning, and that's final."
Mike: Finito, fine.
"Read the letter first, smart boy."
Tom: It reads: "I quit. Sorry for being a pain in the ass!!"
"Chief, I knew in my heart that I shouldn't have taken out Carmen so she could be shot by Lee. I'm sorry, and I won't cause that ever again.
Crow: Well, that would tough to do...
That's why I'm resigning! That's right! I'm resigning. Make Laurie the head sleuth from now on.
Carmen: Well, that won't be a problem...she always was the head sleuth.
Sincerely, Globie."
"P.S. Please order Zack to NOT resign. I can manage alone."
"So that's why. He's blaming himself for Carmen's death at the OK Corral."
"I guess. He must be taking this REAL hard."
"Well, I should go and confront him."
Zack stood up, called Globie's name. Globie looked up, and saw that Zack was walking towards him.
"What do you want? I don't know you."
Crow: (sings) If you don't know me by now...
"Globster! Please, you'll break the Chief's CPU if you won't come back to ACME!"
"No, Zack."
"Please? We had a contract."
"Remember my resignation note? YOU ARE NOT TO FOLLOW ME.
Mike (Zack): So because we no longer have to pretend we like you, we have to still do as you say?
Your sis is more important to you than me."
Tom: Because she's just a woman.
"Globie..."
"End of the problem, Zack. Goodbye."
Crow: Is... is it... did it end?
With that, Globie pressed the LAUNCH button, and he was gone. And in the background, you can her Ivy and the Chief weeping softly.
Carmen: And an English teacher noting the change in tenses.
Location: University C-Train Station, Calgary
Time: March 15, 2000 - 3:30 PM
Globie looked toward the direction of the terminal. Can't that stupid train come faster? He thought to himself. The rain was getting worse, and he didn't bring Laurie's umbrella with him.
Tom: Is EVERY ex-Acme detective a compulsive thief?
Then, the train approached. A huge crowd on the Anderson today, he thought. He got on, and saw Ivy standing near the door, trying to grab Globie by the arm.
"Globie, listen to me."
"I don't know you."
Then, an another voice came on right behind Ivy.
Mike: Turns out it was just one of the voices in his head.
It was Laurie.
"Please? The Chief will flood his pink screen very soon if you don't tell him that the letter wasn't true."
"It's true, Laurie."
Crow: It's ta-wu it ta-wu.
"Please? He won't talk, he won't answer Videophone calls, etc. And now, Zack's getting like that too!"
"And is it supposed to be my problem, sister?"
"Yes! Zack needs you for motivation. He's not the same Zack I know for a brother without Globie! Please? I beseech you!"
Mike: Ivy goes ren faire...
"No, and that's final. Now, push aside. I want to sit down."
Tom: (Globie) Begone, useless women!
And that was that. Laurie, looking depressed, pulled up the Videophone, and told the Chief the bad news.
Meanwhile, in Globie's head, lots of things are going on. He was responsible for a death. Carmen, he though, why didn't I take out Lee first?
Carmen: He though? Don't you mean "thought?"
He flashed back to that fateful night that Carmen was shot. He had taken out Maelstrom already, and was trying to figure out who should he arrest next.
"It's all over, Carmen. Give up. ACME's got this place surrounded."
"You stay out of this, Globe-head.
Tom: Globe-HEAD?!
And I've got Mr. Rifle to make sure it stays that way!"
All: Mr. Rifle?
"I don't care about you, Lee. I just want to arrest Carmen first!"
"You asked for it, Globie. Now you'll get it!"
Lee pulled the trigger. The shot was fired. Globie thought fast. He made his choice. I hope I didn't make a bad choice, he thought. He tackled Carmen.
The shot was well wide of Globie's back, but it hit Carmen. Smack dab into the heart.
Mike: Nice cliched way of putting it.
"CARMEN!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Lee laughed, and then, escaped.
Crow: O...K... How did you save the country by doing this?
Carmen: Hell if I know...
"Medic!"
Globie's mind now drifted into the ER.
Carmen: And my mind is about to drift into memories of ER episodes...
The sounds of medics trying to get Carmen into the OR, sounds of life support equipment, and the smell of blood from Carmen's heart.
While he was waiting, he wanted to call the Chief. But, he didn't want the Chief to cry all over again, so he decided to shut off the Videophone. Soon, the doctor came.
"Doctor! Is there any news?"
Tom: (sings) Doctor, doctor give me the news...
"I'm afraid that Carmen is..."
Crow: Wait for it...
"Well, what is it, man? Comatose?"
"Dead."
All: Again.
Globie slumped into his chair, and cried softly. I knew I killed Carmen, he thought.
Tom: If only I had put my life to SOME good use...
Crow: And we might have done with this fic by now!
It's not worth it anymore. I'll just jump out the highest window, and then, that'll be it.
Mike: I would CERTAINLY hope so.
Carmen: We all do.
But no, I must go after Lee Jordan. He killed Carmen too. It's his fault. He shouldn't get off free. I'll go after him like a cat!
Carmen: Meow!
Crow: Kitty!
I'll strangle him, torture him, and then, hand him over to the police once and for all.
Mike: And then...then, I will RULE THE WORLD!
And Globie did just that. He caught Lee at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C. and he did what he thought at the hospital in Kansas City.
"Anderson, End of Line. Thank you for riding Calgary Transit." Globie suddenly snapped back to his senses. He had slept from University station all the way to Anderson!
Carmen (Rene Russon): Shouldn't be too bad, we're only a few states away from your car...
He got off, and saw no signs of Ivy or Laurie. Classic Laurie behavior. She gives up after a while, but this time, he'll never find out how long she tried. Heritage, perhaps?
Crow: Heritage? What...all LeBlancs are known for giving up? Is that what you're saying?
All I know that she can last longer than City Hall from University, he thought.
Tom: Huh?
He caught the next bus back to the townhouse in the newer communities in the southern corners of the city. It was a nice place. I like this place! He exclaimed back when he was looking at this place 2 days ago.
Just as he got through the door, the Videophone rang.
"Hello, Globie here."
"Globie, this is the Chief. I need to talk to you."
"I'm not with ACME anymore, Chief. So don't bother me. I need to get some work done here."
Crow: (Chief) I know, the Videophone is Acme equipment, so send it back you thief!
Tom: Yeah, and Laurie wants to know where her umbrella is!
"Please, it's about Zack..."
"I know, I know. He's not the same without me, blah, blah, blah. Now can you please get off the phone?"
"Zack want to talk."
"OK, but make it snappy. I need to rest, you know."
"Please, Globie. Come back to ACME. I can't work without you."
"Tough, little buddy.
Mike: Little buddy? Are you the Skipper now?
I made my choice, and I'm living it. Sayonara."
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Carmen: OK, which one of use said THAT?
The Videophone shut off, and the last sound from Zack was the scream of agony.
Tom: Aw...he killed off Zack?
Crow: Nah, they just made him a wuss.
Location: VILE HQ, Buenos Aires
Time: March 18, 2000 - 12:30 PM
Medeva sat in Carmen's chair, worried. Sara was supposed to bring something that she called "a report on ACME". I've been here 10 minutes. I sat here for ten lousy minutes for a stupid little report.
Finally, after 20 minutes, Sara showed up, carrying a projector and a brown manila envelope.
"Well, it's about time, Sara. Time is money!"
"Well, Medeva, it's better late than never!"
Mike: Enough obligatory cliches.
"OK, what's this special report of yours?"
"Right here, Medeva."
"Then show it to me."
Tom (Sara) Show it t- You mean you want to see it? And here I was going to burn it in effegy!
"VILE spies and spy cameras has been showing ACME HQ in a tizzy. It seems some top flatfoot has resigned, and Zack looks like he's been sleeping on the streets for the last week, as shown in this slide show."
Crow: Nah...he's just trying to look the part for the next Survivor.
Sara showed all sorts of pictures from the VILE spy cameras planted at ACME HQ in Calgary. Most were of Globie's empty cell in the office area. Medeva was stunned at what she saw in the last slide.
"Globie is the one!"
Tom: He's Neo?
Carmen: The one who'll break the spell?
Crow: Nah, he's probably Anakin...
Mike: My money is on Kai...
"How do you know?"
"It's simple. First, The "Most Captures of Carmen" award is missing from the trophy case. Second, the empty office cell next to Zack on the top far left. Third, The office area is unusually dim."
Mike: ACME does its best to match agents minds with their surroundings..
"That's wonderful. But why?"
"I think he took Carmen's death onto himself."
Tom (Televangist): And LO Globie did write upon PAPER and CREATE a fic. and it WAS painful!
Mike, Carmen and Crow: A-MEN!
"It was his fault."
"Oh, give him a break, Sara. It's not his fault. It was Lee Jordan!"
"Let's get him!"
"Not so fast, Sara Bellum."
"What's the problem?"
Crow: That there's still more fic left...
"I dunno. I think we should really step out of this matter just for once. We'll be neutral for once this time."
"Seriously, Medeva. I think this leading has finally gone to your head."
"It's not our problem. It's between the ACME flatfoots and Lee Jordan's gang. We have no business in this matter."
"OK, then, so be it. I'll cease all operations until further notice."
"Excellent. I need a vacation."
"So do I."
"OK, then, let's take one of Carmen's choppers and go to the Bahamas!"
"Great idea. Let's start packing. And pack lots of cash."
"We can go shop until we drop!"
"You go, girl!"
Carmen: And suddenly a master mage and a women with multiple PhDs have the collective IQ of two 14 year old girls.
That was the last sounds that Chase Devinaux heard. He was trying to spy on Medeva and Sara's meeting, but he wasn't expecting this.
Crow: It turned him on, and he didn't want to tell Jaci.
"I'd better call the Chief right away."
Tom: Uh... ok! HEY! CHIEF!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! CARMEN 'S STUCK WITH US IN A CRAPPY FIC!!!
"Chief here."
"Chief, this is Chase. I've got some news for you."
"What is it? I was in the middle of crying."
Mike: AGAIN?!
"It's VILE."
Crow: Tell us something we DON'T know.
Carmen: Crow, they're talking about my company...
"What about VILE?"
"They're actually not going to try to go after us for Lee killing Carmen!"
"Well, that's a first."
Tom: Base?
Mike: No, that would be 'Who'.
Carmen: Guys, please don't start that again....
"OK, that's all there is. Over and out."
"Roger that."
"We're not operating an airport here.
Crow: Just a really pointless running gag.
Oh, by the way, how's Zack?"
"Terrible. He's been sick with the flu all week. There's no way to cure him, except, well, maybe...Globie.
Tom: Globie is the cure for the flu?
Crow: Waiter! We'll have some plague all around over here!
But he won't talk to anyone."
"He must be taking it real hard, eh?"
"Yep. But anyway, you'd better hang up."
"OK, Chief. Over and out."
Chase hung up. He knew what to do.
Location: Switzerland Alps
Time: March 16, 2000 - 11:35 AM
The new fallen powder pack snow crunched under the steps of skiers from all over the world. And in the crowd, was Globie. Not too far behind, was Chase Devinaux.
When Chase caught a glimpse of Globie, he tried to call him, but it was to no avail. It seems he's listening to something. I'd better approach him to find out.
Carmen: Who's talking here?
"Globie!"
"Chase!"
Tom: Chief!
Crow: Carmen!
Mike: Zack!
Carmen: Ivy!
Tom: Rocky!
Crow: Janet!
Mike: Dr. Scott?
Carmen: Charmin?
Tom: Silly Rabbit?
Crow: NYPD?
Mike: Sipowitz?
Carmen: Chief?
Tom: McCloud?!
Crow: Hey! How come Tom gets to say it and I don't!
Tom: You can say it.
Crow: Not now! You've tainted it for me!
"What in the world are you doing?"
"What in the world are you tailing me for? Leave me alone for a while, can't you?"
"No, Globie, please let me explain."
"Sorry, Chase. If this is an another lecture on the Chief, forget it. Adieu."
"But..."
"No buts, Chase."
"Please. The Chief needs you. Zack needs you. Laurie needs you. Everyone at ACME needs you."
"NO, NO AND NO AND THAT'S FINAL!"
Mike: Globie throws his 34th tantrum of the day!
Tom: At least he's not speaking in abbreviations anymore...
Carmen: True.
"Very well then, I'll leave just like that."
"Forget it, Chase. I'm not going to fall for that trick again."
"D'OH!"
Mike: Chase's hero- Homer Simpson.
Tom: (Mr. Burns) Simpson, eh?
"Oops! I gotta go. So long."
Crow: Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Gotta pee...
"Wait!"
But there was no response. Chase stood there, dazed, confused, and angry. He wanted to call the Chief, but it'll hurt him a lot if he told him the bad news.
Carmen: Right (Reches under her seat and pulls out a bullhorn) PICK...A...TENSE!!!
Tom: Gah! My ears!
Mike: Tom, you don't have ears!
Tom: Then what's throbbing?
Location: UN Building, Geneva, Switzerland
Time: March 17, 2000 - 3:30 PM
Lee and Cruiser drove up to the UN Building, and pulled out a blue communicator from ACME. He carried it for good luck, but this time, he's actually using it on an operation.
Oh, how I yearn to get my hands on one of those BCCC 3Ks. I can go anywhere in the world in a second! Then, I can steal anything, anywhere, anytime!
Carmen: Boy this sounds familar..."Boyhood's End", anyone?
Suddenly, a blue light appeared from the steps of the UN Building. It looks as if it was an ACME C-5 portal.
"Lee! Give yourself up! You can't win!"
Crow (Futurama): We have you partially surrounded!
"Ivy, baby! Why talk to little old Lee like that? Especially when you're outnumbered."
Tom: Woah... a character in a Globie fic more slimy than Globie!
Then, suddenly, right behind Lee, an another C-5 portal opened. This time, it was Globie.
"Stop right there, Lee. One more move and you're history."
"OK, Globie. Whatever you say...Cruiser!"
Cruiser stepped forward, and pulled out a .45, aimed it at Globie while Lee cowered inside his car, and fired.
Mike: (Cruiser) Globie, we've found a fic author with a sense of quality who'll work for less money and with less ego...
"Globie!"
"Cruiser, now that you've hit me, it's time I hit you!"
Carmen: So there! Nah-nah!
Globie took down Cruiser with a few moves that he has watched Ivy do many times.
Tom: Unfortunately, Globie was white and male and only succeded in embarassing himself.
Then, Zack appeared.
Crow: POOF! Just like that.
"Globie..."
"Zack, watch out!"
Lee had pulled out his gun, and was aiming at Zack. He pulled the trigger, and...
"ZACK!"
Lee escapes, but to no avail. He was arrested, and taken off to the hoosgow. Meanwhile, back at the UN Building...
"Zack?"
"I...I...I've been...hit here..."
And in Zack's chest was a bullet, and a trickle of blood.
Mike: The moon a woman's purse. A video of a newspaper in the wind. And a thousnad miles away, someone was crying...
Then, Zack passed out.
Tom: But just before that, he thought, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
"ZACK!"
Globie, on the other hand, walked slowly to the nearest hospital emergency room before collapsing.
Mike: Despite having NO injuries whatsoever, the big baby.
Carmen: (Globie) I got... a hangnail! Ah! Owie! Fix it! Fix it!
Back at the UN building, Ivy looked everywhere.
"Medic! Globie went that way."
"It looks as if he took the bullet, and still had the power to get up and walk."
Crow: Geez, Globie's still alive? NEXT TIME AIM FOR THE HEAD!!
"I'll go look for him. You guys take Zack to the ER."
Carmen: George Clooney, here I come!
(Mike and 'bots glare at her)
Carmen: Erm...um...ahem.
Tom: We need cold water spigots in the theater, Mike..
"Will do."
Laurie followed the trail of blood from Globie, until finally, it led to the ER that Zack was in.
Mike: Geez, he lost that much blood and STILL is alive?
She hurried to the reception, and asked for Globie.
"Zack and Globie are still in the OR. It's on the 5th floor, on your right."
She sat down on the bench, and waited.
Carmen: Wait...I thought they were in the ER.
Hour after hour, it dragged on, until finally, the doctor came out, looking grim.
"What is it, doc?"
"Zack and Globie..."
"What?"
"Are..."
The 'bots: Say it!
Carmen: ... pation.
Mike: Er. Wrong line...
"Comatose?"
"Yes."
All: DAMN!
Ivy stood there, crying, until her body can't stand any more, and collapsed.
Tom (Ivy): Noo!!! I've got to deal with another CHAPTER!!!!
Carmen: So do we.
Crow: Man...this sucks!
--- To be continued ---
Mike: Yet again...
On Carmen's Grave, Part 2
(Many Deaths of Carmen, Part 11)
Tom: (pastor) Let us now turn to the Book of Carmen, Chapter 8, Verse 11, Row 2.
Location: General Hospital of Geneva
Time: March 17, 2000 - 7:58 PM
Ivy woke up, dazed and confused.
Mike: And hungover.
What in the world is she doing in a hospital bed? And why is the Chief staring straight into her face?
Carmen: Good questions.
"Ivy. Thank goodness you're all right!"
"Wh-what? Chief! Where's Zack and Globie?"
"I guess...I guess..."
"What? Are they OK?"
Crow: Well, considering what happened to the poor chickens...no.
"Well, Zack and Globie aren't out of the woods yet, but Tatyanna and Jasmine is here to see Zack. Lee's (and I don't mean Lee Jordan.) here to see Globie. And I'm here to see you."
"But are they OK?"
Mike: It's a Globie fic...what do you think?
"All I know is that Globie is responding to Lee's words. Well, duh, they're both from Canton anyway; so I don't know what in the world is Lee telling Globie. Oh, how I wish Zack was here."
"You have the ACME Translata-Scan, don't you?"
"Oh, oops. I forgot all about that. Besides, it's a private conversation."
"Shouldn't eavesdrop."
Tom: Why not?
"Too true."
Just then, Lee and Tatyanna appeared.
"Hey, Ivy."
"Hey, Tatiana."
Carmen: Pick a spelling... any spelling.
"Are you OK? The Chief freaked out when he found out that you collapsed."
Crow: (sings) Freak out! Le Freak...
"I did not freak out!"
Carmen: Guys, for the love of all that is holy, NO DISCO!
Tom: Dang...
"You did so, Chief."
"Oh, yeah? Who made you Mr. Know it All, Lee?"
"Well, I did see you freak out."
Carmen (Standing up with the bullhorn) I SAID NO DISCO, DAMMIT!
Mike: Uh Carmen...
Carmen: Sorry, relapse.
Tom: Mike, if she blows again, I am NOT getting her a sandwich!
"Oh, OK. If you can't beat them, agree with them."
"How's Zack, Tatiana?"
"Not good. Jasmine and I tried to talk to him, but he looks like he's deaf or something. He moved his fingers a bit when Jasmine mentioned something mushy."
Tom: Where did he put those fingers? Did he-
Carmen: TOM!
"Well, that's good."
The night progressed, as the hours dragged on, Ivy sat beside Zack, and Lee sat beside Globie. Everyone else went back to HQ.
Crow: The others tried sitting on Zack and Globie but it just didn't work out...
Tom: Yeah, Globie's too lumpy...
At about half past midnight, a familiar shadow was cast over the sleeping Zack and Ivy.
"Zack, I know. I feel your pain."
Carmen: I'm trapped in this crappy fic too.
Then, she approached Lee and Globie, and gently stroked Globie's head.
All: (shudder)
Carmen: (gags)
"Globie, it's all right. I'll get Lee Jordan for you."
She stepped aside, took off her hat, left it and a calling card on the table, and gently closed the door.
Mike: Ivy has calling Cards?
Tom: Ivy does something gently?
Carmen: Wait...I think this is supposed to be me...
The next morning, Ivy and Lee woke up, and noticed something strange on the table.
"It's Carmen! She was here last night!"
"Look! A calling card."
Crow: But it only has 10 minutes left on it.
"It says, "Never you fear, Ivy. Lee Jordan is in the bag.""
Mike: Well..half in the bag...got rather plastered and all and...
"What does it mean?"
"And look! She left her hat too!"
"And Globie's hair looks as if someone had stroked it last night!"
All: (shudder violently and gag)
"I wonder what Carmen's up to this time."
"I dunno, but in my gut, it feels that Carmen's trying to help us."
"I'll call Suhara to see if he knows what this means."
Mike: And who the hell is doing the talking around here?
Just then, Zack started to move around, and opened his eyes just a little bit.
"Sis..."
"Zack?"
"Ivy..."
Tom: Chief? (waits for Crow to say "McCloud", but no reply) Um...Crow?
Crow: I said you tainted it for me, dammit!
"Zack! You're alive"
"What'd...you...expect?"
Mike: You to be dead, of course.
"It's good to see you, Zack."
"Wh-...where...where's..."
"Globie? I dunno. He's in bad shape."
"...Awake?"
Carmen: No, Shania.
Crow: That one went over like a lead balloon...
Ivy lowered her head, and said, "No."
"No..."
"Don't get up, Zack. You're still weak."
"Tell...Chief...resign..."
Tom: Talk...more...like...Shatner...
"No, Zack! Remember what Globie told you? You are not to follow him."
"Must..."
"OK, but don't call me sis ever again!"
Carmen: Wait...she got over that "don't call me sis" phase ages ago!
Ivy stormed out of the room, and activated her BCCC 3K. Meanwhile, Lee sat there, confused and angry.
How could she leave Zack this way, he thought. Then, Globie opened his eyes.
"Chief..."
Crow: McCloud!
Tom: YEA! It's no longer tainted!
Crow: Um...guess not....wow, that was quick...
"Globie! You're OK! It's all right, man. Everything will be all right."
Location: Heathrow International Airport, London
Time: March 21, 2000 - 12:30 PM
Globie looked around. Laurie wasn't there. No ACME agent is tailing him. That's good. So, now, I can concentrate on capturing Lee Jordan, he thought.
Mike: (Globie) Now, if I remember correctly, the correct procedure is to track down some guy named Rosdower...
A few days ago, the doctors in Geneva had advised him to stay for observations for just a few days. Then chattered away, but Globie paid no attention to them. He just stepped out.
Just then, Lee Jordan and Cruiser suddenly appeared, almost like, well, out of nowhere.
Carmen: (valley girl) Like ohmygod....he did not just write that!
Tom: Mike...
Mike: Well, she is from California...
"We meet again, Lee."
"Ready for Round 3?"
All: It's only round three?!?!
"Sure am, Lee."
Lee and Globie stood face to face, motionless, until Lee leaned over to Cruiser and whispered something. Hmm, I think they're gonna try something.
Crow: Oh really?
"Lee, what in the world are you doing?"
"Cruiser, you are NOT to come into this battle, better yet, get lost."
"But, Lee..."
"No "Buts", Cruiser. Scram!"
"OK, whatever you say, bwana."
Tom: Bwana?!
Mike: That's Botswanian for 'Horses ass.'
Tom: Oh yeah...
"Sheesh."
Cruiser stepped away, and Lee charged towards Globie. Globie did the same thing, until they met head on in the middle.
"If I'm gonna die, you're coming with me, Globe head."
Carmen: So kindergarten of you, Lee.
"Big words for a wimp like you."
"Ooh, I'm scared now."
"You should be."
"Don't make me lose my cool, Globe head."
"Now I'm shaking."
"You should be."
"Tell it to the judge."
"Not in this lifetime, Globie."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
Tom: ARRRRRGGGGGHHH! IT'S AN ARMY OF CLICHES!
Carmen: Woah... and I thought I was ready to blow...
Suddenly, the London police arrived on the scene. But unfortunately, Lee was just too quick. He wriggled free, and ran as fast as he can into the subway.
"He went that way!"
"Where?"
"I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning."
"What do you mean, Globie?"
"Why do you have to mock me, Oh Lord?"
Crow: (Charlie Brown) Why me, Lord? Don't answer that.
"What are you talking about?"
Carmen: Wish we knew.
"Oh, shut up."
All: Please!
Location: Tsuiji Fish Market, Tokyo, Japan
Time: March 22, 2000 - 11:45 AM
Laurie looked into her binoculars. There's still no sign of Lee or Cruiser. I might be in the wrong place, she thought. And hiding in this truckload of frozen tuna from home (Boston) was a bad idea.
Carmen: A: Laurie wouldn't hide in Tuna. And B: She's not from Boston, putz. Massachusetts, yes. Boston, no.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, came Lee Jordan and Cruiser.
"Lee, what are you doing?"
"Simple. We're here to one up Carmen by taking the whole Tsuiji Fish Market with us."
Carmen: And that one ups me, HOW?!
"Oh, so that's it."
"It's so simple, even a knock head like you can do it!"
Tom: Knockhead...that's like a combo of blockhead and knucklehead, right?
"You calling me a knock head now?"
"Yeah."
"Let's go now, shall we?"
"Fine with me, Lee."
As Laurie watched Lee and Cruiser bitterly fought between each other, a pair of eyes peeked out of the entrance to the market.
"You're all under arrest! Hands up into the air! Come on, snap to it"
Laurie looked around, but there was no one there. Lee and Cruiser did just what the voice told them.
Crow: Cuz you know, they always do what the voices in my head tell them.
Suddenly, Chase appeared out of nowhere.
"Chase! You startled me there!"
"Whatever. Pass me those cuffs."
"Here."
"Thanks."
"This time you were lucky, but not next time."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Oh, yeah!"
"Shut up, both of you. Laurie, be a lady."
Mike: Yeah, you know, follow Globie's every order unquestioningly, and stay home with the kids.
"Not."
Location: Fresh Kills Landfill, Staten Island, New York
Time: March 25, 2000 - 12:35 PM
Maelstrom stood at the front doors to the Opera House. A voice told him to wait for Mr. X here. So far, this Mr. X is late.
Tom: Ooh...the mystery...who is this Mr. X? Why is he late? Why should we give a flying-
Carmen: Tom, calm down.
And this place stinks!
Crow: As does this fic.
Maelstrom looked behind, and saw Globie.
"Globie!"
"Maelstrom, you're going back to Folsom, no matter what."
"Over my dead body!"
Tom: That can be arranged.
"OK then, then I'll just have to drag your carcass back to Folsom."
"Fine."
"Why did you call me here in the first place?"
"Why, to arrest you with, bwana! You fell into the biggest trap in the book!"
"D'oh! Caught by the Page 345!"
Mike: Dear God, NO! Not THE Page 345!
Carmen: Funny, page 345 was the directions to the Acme HQ cafeteria.
"Take him away, boys."
"I'll be back, I swear!"
"Don't bet on it, Loser."
Mike: He's a loser baby.
Tom: So.. why don't we kill him?
Crow: Good point...
"Well, Globie, you captured Maelstrom and Lee Jordan. What're you planning to do?"
Tom: Oh, write more self aggrandizing fics with bare bones plots and action sequences that make everyone but me look like an idiot.
"I dunno."
"You can always come back to ACME."
Carmen: Mmm hmm...
"No, Chief."
"But, it's not the same...That empty office cell in the top right hand corner..."
Mike: The nightly beatings with the rubber hose and the phone book...
"I know, Chief. But it's time you gave the place to someone else. Laurie, perhaps. Maybe even Chase."
"Chase has a cell already."
Crow: A padded one. He needed it after being in this fic.
"OK, then..."
"Please?"
"No, Chief."
"Come on, ACME needs a man like you."
Tom (Chief) : We won't be able to serve Soylant Green in the cafeteria without you!
"No...OK..."
"So you will?"
"No..."
The Chief turned from happy to sad. "No what?"
Carmen: Way I give a care what happens next.
"I'll have to think about it first. It's an important decision."
"But..."
"I know, I know, It's an easy decision. "Say "Yes", right?""
"How'd you know that?"
"Oh, instinct."
"Not."
"Chief, please."
"OK, fine. Call me in 72 hours."
"2 weeks."
"72 hours."
"2 weeks."
"72 HOURS!"
"2 WEEKS!"
"Calm down, Chief. Good air in, bad air out."
Tom: Yeah..wax on...wax off....
Crow: And all that Utah Jazz....
"OK, Globie. 2 weeks."
"Good."
Globie activated his BCCC, pressed the transport button in the Transport panel, and disappeared.
Location: Lima, Peru
Time: March 27, 2000 - 12:35 PM
Laurie looked around, and there's no sign of any VILE activity. That's good. VILE must be on holiday or something.
Carmen: (Babs from Chicken Run) Oh, they must be on holiday.
"Laurie!"
"Chase!"
"What are you doing here in Peru?"
"Well, I am here for the sights."
"Hey, Laurie. How is it?"
"Ann Tickwitee and Dee Plomassy! I haven't seen you at HQ in ages!"
"Well, I am kind of busy with the TimeNet division, going through time with rank amateurs."
"And I've been working at the UN."
"Oh, that's good. Any good place to stay in Lima?"
"Well, the hotel I was just coming from is really European. Follow me, I'll take you there. Ann, would you mind taking Chase around the city?"
"Yep. See you at dinner, Laurie!"
"Yep, see you later."
"So, Dee, what will we do, now that VILE is taking a permanent vacation, and Lee Jordan and Maelstrom in the hoosgow, what'll ACME do?"
"I dunno. Dissolve, I guess."
"That's not good."
"True."
"But..."
"But what, Laurie?"
"I'm just worrying about Zack and Globie. Zack's still in the hospital, and Globie's running around the world, and wherever he is we don't know."
Tom: Nor care.
"Don't worry about Globie, Laurie. Globie's captured many crooks in his life with ACME."
"And Zack?"
"He'll be OK soon. He's been shot at many times, and survived."
"But now, Ivy is disowning him."
"That's not good to Zack. He's in that stage where he's most likely to rebel."
Carmen: So you are rebelling? What are you rebelling against?
Mike: (Zack) Being forced to work in a Globie fic.
"Too true."
"Well, here we are."
Crow: (sings) Going to the South Side...I pick my friends and we hope we won't die...
"Wow, nice place."
"It's really good."
"Expensive?"
"No, but the shopping will drain your funds."
"I'm going to shop until I drop!"
Tom: Wasn't that a lameass gameshow on Lifetime?
Carmen: I didn't know you watched Lifetime!
Tom: I uh....
"You go, girl!"
"Oh, yeah."
That night, at the dining hall of the hotel...
"Hey Chase, now that we've done all we can, what'll we do?"
"I don't know."
"I don't know either."
"Chase, remember that time you tried to open a restaurant in Vancouver?"
"Yeah, Ann?"
"That was a great idea. Maybe the 4 of us can do that."
"Methinks it's a good idea."
Crow: Methinks thou art not a thespian.
"Not me. I've got ambassadorial jobs to Canada with 17 nations."
"How do you stand that?"
"I work in Ottawa."
"What nations?"
"Well, The US for one, UK, France, Germany, Mexico, Spain, Brazil, Portugal, Belgium, Netherlands, Denmark, and all sorts of others."
Carmen: (Yakko) Norway and Sweden and Iceland and Finland and Germany now all one piece....
"Whoa."
"Isn't it tough?
"No when you know 21 of the world's most used languages."
"Well, that's a must."
"True."
"Oh, look, our food is here."
Tom: Pointless Scene ala Globie!
Crow: Did the food give money to the movie? I mean, they eat so often you gotta wonder...
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Time: April 8, 2000 - Noon
The Chief paced impatiently around his pink screen. Laurie, Ann and Chase were sitting in front of their workstations, eating lunch.
"Chase, is there a call for me?"
"No. Who are you expecting?"
"Oh, no one..."
"Is it Globie?"
"How'd you know?"
"I can read your database with this workstation, Chief."
Mike: (Chase) And frankly, I think you must have the largest internet porn collection in the company.
"That's eavesdropping, you know."
"Hee hee, sorry."
"It's OK. Where's that Globie?"
Just then, the videophones rang.
"Hello, This is the Chief of ACME speaking."
"Chief?"
"Globie?"
"You wanted to talk?"
"Yeah. So, have you decided?"
"Well, yes."
"What is it?"
"I...I..."
Mike: (Richard Belzar) Iowa? Iatola?
"I...I...what?"
Mike: (Richard Belzar) GET TO THE VERB!
"I'm not coming back to ACME."
"WHAT?"
"Sorry, Chief."
"What am I? Chopped liver? I gave you a chance at ACME because you had potential! If I didn't have my eyes on you, you would be on the streets!"
"Chief, I'm sorry. I feel it's time for me to move on."
"Oh, fine. Leave ACME. Don't ever come back here again."
"I'm not dropping out of ACME entirely."
"You're not?"
"Hey Chief, who are you talking to?"
"Globie, Zack."
"Oh, oh, oh, can I talk to him?"
Carmen: (little kid) Oh, oh, oh! I know this one!
"In a minute."
Tom: (Zack) Then can I have a cookie?
"So anyway, I'm not dropping out of ACME entirely."
"What's your plan?"
"I'm just gonna be ACME's Carmen/Lee Jordan/Maelstrom specialist, that's all."
Carmen: So...basically you just want Acme's most wanted and don't want to be bothered with the petty cases...
"We need a person like that, but Carmen's dead."
"She's not."
"How?"
Crow: Chief...you're asking how? Why bother?
"She left a calling card beside my bed at the hospital."
"But that could be Sara Bellum."
"No it's not. The hospital's security camera saw Carmen, and no one else."
"OK, Globie, so be it."
"Thanks, Chief."
"Chief, can I talk to Globie now?"
Mike: (Zack..a la whiny kid) Can I? Can I? PLEASE?!
"Yes, Zack."
"Globie?"
"Zack?"
Tom: Chief?
Crow: MCCLOUD!
"Are you OK?"
"I'm fine."
"Really? Can I come over later?"
Mike: I haven't used the rubber hose in a while...
"Yeah, OK."
"Great. See you then."
"Later."
Zack hug up.
All: Group hug!
"What did he say?"
"Not much."
"Tell me!"
"No way."
"Tell me."
Carmen: (Linus van Pelt) Tell me, tell me, oh please, tell me!
"No!"
"How's about we lock the Chief in a disk?"
Crow: Disks are obsolute...use CD-Rs!
"No! You wouldn't!"
"Just kidding!"
"Oh, OK."
Mike: Yes, with the Globie Leung Random Dialogue Generator you can cut the time you spend writing those pesky fics in half!
Then Ivy appeared
Tom: In a blaze of celestial light!
All: (holy angel choir voice effects)
"Hey sis, what's up."
Carmen: (Ivy) The sky.
"Zack..."
"Yeah, Ivy?"
"I'm sorry that I left you."
"It's OK, Ivy."
"Sorry."
Crow: I'm sorry Carmen, but there's SOMETHING going on here!
Carmen: You know...I'm starting to agree with you.
Then Chase blurts,
Carmen: BLURTED!
"Last one to the cafeteria is a trainee who flunked the test!"
The Chief was, of course, last.
Mike: And thus another pathetic running gag resurfaces.
"Is it just me, or is it that I really gotta get some feet?"
Crow: Maybe..see how fast they get us the hell
out of here?
--- The End ---
Tom: Did that say....
Carmen: Sorry Tom...it's a mirage.
Tom: Damn!
(riffers exit the theater)
Yup, again...a "To be continued" from the Group
of MSTies.