Execution!
by Erin Mills, with votes by the forum members
(Fade in, lively game show music, and a large game show type set with three black
tubes that say 1, 2 & 3 and a big neon sign flashing "EXECUTION!" Erin comes out in
a tuxedo with a wireless microphone.)
Erin: Hello, yes, and welcome once again to 'Execution!' the show that gives it's audience
exactly what they want to see. Our three conteststants have been sealed in these tubes
for the last 72 hours and only been allowed bread and water to live on. Each of them
has committed a variety of unspeakable crimes against today's guest victim, the lovely
Carmen Sandiego!
(Carmen's image appears on an oversized TV monitor.)
Erin: Unfortunately, Carmen could not be with us tonight due to pressing legal concerns
and stating that she is morally opposed to our program and she wonders if our producers
are completely sane. Anyway, each of our three contestants will be judged by our studio
audience (the people in the forum) on the severtiy of their crimes and will be punished
according to how the audience feels they should be punished. This could range from
acquittal, to a pie in the face, to...?
Audience: EXECUTION!
Erin: Correct! Don't touch that dial folks! We'll be right back after this educational
interlude...
(The show returns.)
Erin: And we're back and ready to play Execution! Now let's meet our contestants.
(The first tube slides up, revealing Lee Jordan, he is still enclosed in the tube which is
now transparent.)
Erin: Contestant number one is former Acme detective Lee Jordan. Lee is charge with
forcing Carmen to do his bidding, kidnapping, grand theft, bank robbery, and being an
obnoxious egotistical jerk.
The potential fates that the audience can choose from are:
A blow on the head
A pie in the face
A small nuclear warhead set off in his tube
Being forced to listen to the complete works of Barry Manilow continuously for
the next three weeks
And having a rabid Tasmanian Devil dropped in his trousers.
(The lining in the second tube goes up revealing Maelstrom.)
Erin: Contestant number two is the infamous Dr. Maelstrom. He is charged with destruction
of private and public property, grand theft, escaping from a maximum security prison,
and subjecting Carmen Sandiego to public humliation at the hands of a bunch of
no-neck tourists.
The audience's choices are:
Death by laughing gas
Return to prison in solitary confinement for the rest of his life.
Public Spanking
Being forced to act the part of Dr. Frank N. Furter with the
Paramus NJ floor show cast of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
Being forced to listen to the Chief singing all the works of Barry Manilow
continuously for the next three weeks.
A 16-ton weight being dropped on him.
(The third tube clears to show the obnoxious tourist lady from Retribution Part 2. She is
quite distressed.)
Erin: And finally, contestant number three is Mrs. Wanda Blumdeckler of Queens, New York.
She is charged with being an accessory to the public humiliation of Carmen Sandiego,
and the worst crime of all, stealing Carmen's hat and actually daring to try it on!
Audience: BOO! HISS!
Erin: All right, settle down people. Your choices are:
Being spun around in speeds of excess of 50g until she vomits up all her excess
tonnage
Being locked in the same stocks Carmen was in and being pelted with rancid
tomatoes
Covered with chocolate and tossed into a 17-gallon vat filled with red ants
Being forced to listen to the complete works of Nine Inch Nails at a volume similar to
that of an above ground nuclear testing range
Being electrocuted until she resembles several charcoal briquettes.
And, of course, the audience does have the choice of acquittal, or choosing tonight's
mystery form of Execution!
So stay tuned, we'll be back to see the fates of the three menaces to society when the
voting is complete!
(commercial break, then the show returns)
Erin: And welcome back to "Execution!" Well, the votes have been tabulated and now it's
time to give these three micreats the fate they so richly deserve.
First on the hit parade, Mrs. Wanda Blumdeckler of Queens, New York has been
sentenced to being locked in the stocks and pelted with rancid tomatoes...with a quite
notable addition that the producers REALLY liked. So we go now to Williamsburg,
Virginia and our special correspondent, Laurie LeBlanc. Laurie?
(Cut to Laurie standing with a microphone next to the stocks.)
Laurie: Thank you, Erin. Well, it's a fine afternoon here in Williamsburg, but not for Mrs.
Wanda Blumdeckler of Queens, New York. Mrs. Blumdeckler has been found guilty on
the counts of being an accessory to the humiliation of Carmen Sandiego, stealing
Carmen's hat and trying it on as well as the additional count of continuing to portray
New Yorkers as a bunch of no neck self-absorbed ignoramuses. With the addition of
this charge, the sentence has been altered somewhat. Not only will Mrs. Blumdeckler
be locked into the stocks and pelted with rancid tomatoes, she will also be forced to
listen to a duet between the Chief and Fran Drescher singing a horribly translated
version of Bizet's opera "Carmen."
(Cut to the stocks where Wanda is looking rather unhappy. Off to the side the Chief and
Fran are warming up. Cut to the waiting line of people with huge buckets full of
tomatoes. Cut back to Laurie.)
Laurie: And everything appears to be ready. Okay folks, Ready...Aim...Fire!
(We see Wanda getting mercilessly pelted with the tomatoes and screaming as Fran
and the Chief sing a version of "Carmen" that appears to be all about cat food.)
Laurie: And that's all from Williamsburg, Justice has once again been served, back to
you Erin.
(Cut back to the "Execution!" set.)
Erin: Thank you, Laurie. I think Mrs. Wanda Blumdeckler will think twice before tormenting
those who have no way to defend themselves the next time she's on vacation.
Now we move on to contestant number one, Lee Jordan!
(A curtain opens to reveal Lee suspended by a chain wrapped around his wrists. His
feet are three feet from the ground. He is wearing a pair of spandex trousers.)
Lee: GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! I'LL SUE!
Erin: Now, now, Lee you signed the waiver when you agreed to be on this show.
Lee: IT WAS EITHER THAT OR KEEP THAT PINEAPPLE SHOVED UP MY--
Erin: Thank you, Lee. Now then, Lee, the audience has found you guilty of robbery,
kidnapping, grandtheft, forcing Carmen Sandiego to do your bidding and being an
obnoxious egotistical jerk. By the power vested in me as the host of this show, I
sentence you to have a rabid tazmanian devil dropped into your trousers. Jaci, the
tasmanian devil, please!
(Jaci, dressed in shimmering blue evening gown comes out with a cardboard box with
chains on it.)
Erin: And how is our little friend today, Jaci?
Jaci: Hungry. We haven't fed him in three weeks.
Erin: Well, let's remedy that situation then. Are you ready Lee?
Lee: WHAT DO YOU THINK, YOU PSYCHOPATH?!
Erin: Okay, he's ready. Jaci?
(Jaci takes the chains off the box and brings it over to Lee. She tretches the spandex
and drops a small brown furry object down his pants. Then lets the waistband snap
back. Lee beings to writhe in severe pain.)
Lee: HEY! WAIT A SEC--OW! HEY THAT ARRGH!, STOP IT YOU
LITTLE--YEEEEOWWW! HEY, KNOCK IT--OH MY
GOSHADBDJSFBWJBVJBVEGHDBVKDFJLDNLBNDLHNRIBNENGLEN!!!
(Cut back to Erin)
Erin: Lee Jordan, a smile, some spandex, and a rabid marsupial. And now we come to the
highlight of the evening. Our final contestant, Dr. Maelstrom!
(Erin walks over to the tube where Maelstrom is still imprisoned.)
Erin: Are you ready for your fate, Doctor?
Maelstrom: You're all insane! This is ridiculous!
Erin: True but since your all fictional characters it doesn't matter, right?
Audience: Right!
Erin: Okay then! And now, Dr. Maelstrom, you have been found guilty of assorted violent
crimes too numerous to mention here, as well as the public humiliation and framing of
Carmen Sandiego and so the audience has decided to sentence you to tonight's
mystery form of Execution!
(Wild applause)
Erin: Thank you. Kara, may I have the envelope please?
(Kara walks out in an evening gown similar to Jaci's. She is holding a black envelope
with the word "Execution!" written on it.)
Erin: Do you have tonight's mystery execution, Kara?
Kara: Yes, I do, Erin.
Erin: Well, open it up and let's see what Dr. Maelstrom has won!
Kara: (opening the envelope and reading it.) We, the audience of Execution! have
decided that as punishment for the crimes of Dr. Maelstrom that he be taken from this
place to the prop department of the Moose County Theater Association of
Kalickatcaktkahrthartgca, Minnesota to be used as meat pies in their production of
"Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street."
Erin: So Sayeth the audience, so it shall be done! (He pulls a lever and Maelstrom
drops through the floor, after a moment we hear the sounds of assorted meat
processing machinery as well as Maerlstrom's screams, which are abruptly cut off.)
Good luck to the Moose County Theater Association in their venture and enjoy the pies
complements of "Execution!"
So there's the justice, that's the game, join us next time as three diabolical
miscreants get what they so richly deserve next time on...
Audience: EXECUTION!
Erin: Yes! I'm Erin Mills, goodnight, everybody!
Announcer: "Execution!" is an Irving C. Satlzberg Production. Irving C. Saltzberg
Productions--the people who brought you "Blackmail!"
Join us next week on "Execution!" when our contestants will be the year 2000's
presidential candidates.
---
---Erin 2.5
(
geocities.com/empressleonine5)