There is no explanation or excuse for this story, other than
it was inspired by Louisa Swanson's Ducks crossover, and it has nothing
to do with my other story. :-) Hope you enjoy ...
"The REAL Reason Ivy Gets so Ticked Off at Carmen"
by Sara Keating
San Francisco
"No!" Ivy said, putting down her tea. She was wearing a v-
neck cream silk tunic, bronze silk skirt, suede boots, and art-
deco gold jewelry and belt. Right now she looked thoroughly
exasperated; it seemed to be impossible to get through dinner
without being interrupted. First it had been someone from
Crimenet about Carmen's last caper, then it had been one of the
other detectives wanting to know about a non-Carmen case she and
Zack had handled a week before, and now Josha.
"But Ivy - "
"No. I refuse. I'm not giving up my date - which I had to
break last week - to test anything. Particularly not that, since
Zack and I landed up to our necks in mud every time with the last
model."
Josha looked at Ivy, pitifully. "But - you promised - "
Ivy's date, hockey player Duke l'Orange, looked at Josha.
"Look, I don't think she promised to go off with you in the
middle of a date with me!" Duke was dressed in a smashing blue
and purple suit, with a few small, tasteful items of jewelry;
Ivy preferred not to think about how he might have acquired them.
"I didn't. I'll test it at work tomorrow. Now go away,
Josha!"
Josha walked off, and Ivy finally got to look at the menu.
"Next time, we should go somewhere Acme doesn't hang out."
"Good idea. And somewhere that none of my teammates hang
out either."
The waitress brought Ivy a second cup of tea and took their
orders; they talked about events since their last date, until
Ivy's communicator went off.
"Carmen just stole the Paris Opera House!" the Chief
exclaimed.
"So? I have the night off!" Ivy retorted. "You promised!"
"Ivy, listen -" the Chief said, cajoling.
Duke put down his coffee, and snapped, annoyed, "You have
an entire agency full of Detectives, and she can't have one night
off?"
"But - "
"Chief, I told you that unless it was an emergency or
something absolutely no one else could handle, to find someone
else," Ivy snapped, shaking her head. "Carmen taking off with
the Paris Opera House isn't an emergency, it's normal. Zack can
handle it. He can work with someone else for one night, it won't
kill him."
The rest of the patrons in the restaurant were ignoring
this; it was a popular place with Acme Detectives, and a
disembodied head was less unusual a sight than a talking duck
with an eyepatch. Actually, Duke wasn't that unusual a sight
either, any more; he and Ivy had been to this restaurant several
times. Once they had even gotten their dinner before someone
interrupted them; unfortunately, the interruption had been
Dragonous planning to blow up a dozen military bases and Carmen
stealing Stonehenge, which had killed the date.
"What is wrong with you? Usually Carmen steals something,
you're yelling at Zack to hurry up," the Chief demanded.
"It's not my fault Carmen has no life," Ivy replied. "Get
someone else, Chief." She hung up just as the entrees - grilled
trout with lemon sauce and baked fennel pudding for her, Moroccan
lamb stew for Duke - arrived.
He shook his head. "If you have to go through all this for
a night off, what happens when you want a vacation?"
"Losing the communicator usually helps," Ivy said. "Sorry
about that, what were you saying?"
They went back to discussing the cuisines of Puckworld and
Earth over dinner, and comparing theater, in anticipation of
actually seeing the show all the way through that night.
Her communicator went off again just as they were
contemplating dessert.
"Chief, what did I just tell you?" Ivy looked as if she'd
have liked to throw something at him.
"Uh, c'mon, Ivy - " he said, looking very nervous.
"Is there a real emergency?"
"Well, no ... but Zack's having trouble with the clue ..."
"So send someone else, who's on the top of the rota."
"But you're his partner!"
"You promised I could have tonight off!" Ivy snapped back.
"But, Ivy!" the Chief protested. "Zack needs you!"
"He'll live for one night!"
"You're worse than Wildwing," Duke commented. "At least he
has the excuse there's only six of us!"
The Chief clicked off, grumbling disappointedly. Duke and
Ivy decided to forgo dessert and get to the theater before anyone
else could try to interrupt.
Paris
"What do you mean she's not coming!" Zack exclaimed.
"Uh, well, she was really mad, I mean it was the second
time in less than forty-five minutes, and she'd already had to
deal with Crimenet and Detective Franklin and Josha. She said it
wasn't her fault Carmen didn't have a life, whatever that means.
At least Carmen has a body."
"I'm insulted," Carmen said dryly from behind them. "And
what would you do with a body if you had one, Chief?"
Zack jumped, yelped and turned around. "You should be.
Why don't you ever take a vacation, Carmen?" he asked, moving
toward her.
"Oh, lots of things," the Chief smirked.
"This is more fun than a vacation," Carmen replied,
backing away, amused. "And what is Ivy doing that's more
important than chasing me?"
"She's on a date with a duck," Zack said, irritably. He
couldn't believe she'd rather watch some dumb musical than help
him catch Carmen Sandiego. He didn't understand what she saw in
a reformed jewel thief anyway, much less one who happened to be a
duck.
Carmen stopped dead in her tracks, a look of total
amazement on her face. "She's WHAT?"
Zack tackled Carmen just as she backflipped out the window;
her glider came out, but it wasn't meant to handle the extra
hundred pounds of Zack.
"Zack, let go!" Carmen shouted. "We're going to crash!"
"We're two hundred feet up! I'd be road pizza!"
The ground was approaching unpleasantly fast. "We're both
going to have a hard landing if you don't let go!"
The ground met them with a shock and a thud.
"Oof! Ow! Carmen, how much do you weigh?!"
"Mind your own business, Zack," Carmen said, disentangling
herself from him and retrieving her hat.
Zack grabbed his handcuffs and went after her; somehow in
the struggle she locked him to the nearest parking meter.
"Did you say Ivy was dating a duck?" Carmen asked, as she
slipped away.
"A hockey-playing alien duck," Zack said, grouchily. "What
do you care?"
Carmen shook her head and disappeared just as the
policeshowed up and Zack found his handcuff keys. He spent the
next twenty minutes explaining the situation to the police,
arguing with the Chief about Carmen's clue, and waiting for
someone on rota to get there, since the Chief was refusing to
call Ivy again.
"Hello, Zack," Jasmine said. "Ivy's got the night off?"
"Yeah," he grumped, and tossed her a dollhouse chandelier,
a figurine of an angel, and a tiny model cable car.
Paris
Carmen looked at the sheet in front of her, explaining
where a mysterious stream of anonymous messages had come from;
they told when one of her favorite detectives was most likely to
be distracted. She'd had Sara Bellum tracing them. "These are
coming from Acme?"
"Yes," Sara said. "I haven't figured out where, exactly,
yet, but someone in Acme is sending them."
Carmen nodded. "Good work. Keep working on it," she said.
Sara disappeared back to her lab, and Carmen went back to musing
about Ivy's taste in men. A hockey-playing alien duck. She
didn't think Ivy even liked hockey. She shook her head,
wondering what in the world the detective had been thinking.
Interspecies dating. It sounded like the next edition of the
Jerry Springer show. She rose to her feet and headed out to
perform the last theft of this caper; she'd always been found of
the theater.
San Francisco
"Now what?!" Ivy said, when sounds of panic emerged from
backstage, a few minutes before the curtain was supposed to rise.
The theater manager emerged, shaken.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight problem. Carmen
Sandiego just stole the orchestra, the music, and our lead
actors!"
"That tears it," Ivy said, standing and shaking out her
skirt.
"Let's go find Carmen Sandiego," Duke replied, getting up.
"I want a few words with her."
They headed backstage and found the manager.
"Acme Detective Ivy, this is special consultant Duke
l'Orange. What precisely happened?" Ivy said, flashing her
badge.
"That was fast," the theater manager said, staring at Duke
for a minute and trying not to let his jaw hang open.
"We were trying to see the show. Again," Duke replied.
"The orchestra was about to enter when she showed up. I
don't know what she did, but she took off with the entire
orchestra and all their music. These men in gray grabbed our
leads and took off with them."
"Did she leave anything behind?"
The manager produced a miniature violin and a box of
Swedish cookies.
"Wasn't the character Christine Daae daughter to a Swedish
violinist?"
"Yes," the manager replied, nonplussed.
"You think she's in Sweden?" Duke asked. "Does she
always do that?"
"Yeah," Ivy said. "It's part of the game for her."
The C-5 corridor opened up behind them.
"I thought you had better things to do than chase Carmen,"
Zack said sulkily.
"Hello, Ivy," Jasmine said, and stared in disbelief at
Duke.
Ivy glared at Zack. "Actually, I do, but Carmen just stole
it." She tossed the cookies and the violin to Zack. "Don't
eat the evidence."
"Chill," Duke said to Zack. "She can have a night off once
in a while, kid."
Zack looked unconvinced and vaguely insulted.
Jasmine shook her head. "Uh, right. Ivy ..."
"What? Oh. Sorry, Jasmine. Duke, this is Jasmine, one of
Acme's finest. Jasmine, this is Duke l'Orange, he's acting as
special consultant." She glared at Zack again and he decided to
shut up.
"Charmed," Duke said, bowing over Jasmine's hand.
"Likewise," Jasmine said, smiling, and determined to have a
long talk with Ivy on the subject of talking ducks soon. Somehow
Ivy had neglected to mention that when she'd said she had a
steady date.
They C-5'd to Sweden.
"You don't like teleporting, and you do that on a regular
basis?" Duke asked, picking himself up. He dusted himself off.
Ivy shrugged. "I'm used to C-5ing."
"I wish they would fix the landing, but Josha keeps getting
distracted with other projects," Jasmine added. "Where's Zack?"
"He was here a minute ago," Duke said, looking. "Wait,
there he goes - "
Zack was headed for a house in the distance. "Zack, wait
up!"
Just as they got there, Zack having already entered, the
house ripped loose from its foundations and flew into the air,
assisted by Carmen's usual crew. Carmen herself climbed onto the
roof.
"Sorry to drag you away, Detective," she called, chuckling,
and threw another clue. "That's a lovely outfit."
"Lady, I want a few words with you," Duke shouted. "I'm
getting tired of you trashing my dates!"
Several of Carmen's henchmen stopped and stared at Duke,
with expressions varying from total disbelief to terror; it made
it easier for Ivy and Jasmine to grab them. Carmen's jaw
dropped; she'd half-convinced herself Zack had just been trying
to shock her into standing still so he could capture her.
"Ivy, I never thought you'd ..."
"Don't say it, Carmen," Ivy warned.
Carmen disappeared into the distance, her reply unheard,
which Jasmine thought was probably all for the better.
"Great. Now Carmen has Zack," Jasmine said.
"Well, she won't kill him and she won't torture him," Ivy
said. "What's the clue?"
The clue turned out to be a picture of Queen Elizabeth,
with a dry note of 'Madame Tussaud's might catch me ... but not
you, Detectives!"
London, outskirts, Office in the Paris Opera House
"He sent those messages?" Carmen asked, astonished.
"I just finished tracking them," Sara Bellum replied,
looking up from her laptop. "They all came from his account."
Zack was trying to wriggle out of Moe's grip, and looking
rather worried.
Carmen shook her head. "Did you try to break up Ivy's
dates when she went out with humans, or just this duck?"
Zack mumbled something that sounded incoherent and probably
incriminating.
"Hmmm ..." Carmen said, smiling. "Moe, just hand him over
to Ivy when she gets here. Make sure you tell her exactly what
he did."
Zack blanched. "Uh, Carmen, don't you have a dungeon or
something? A nice time portal to hurl me through, an experiment
Sara needs a subject for, something?"
"Oh, no," Carmen said, smiling. "I think this is much more
appropriate."
She and Sara both laughed. Zack looked like he was
considering running for his life.
London, Outskirts
Ivy, Duke, and Jasmine arrived outside London, after a
detour to consult with the local Acme office and for Duke to have
Tanya do a search.
"That must be the place," Duke said, pointing to the Paris
Opera House, now fully lit up and glowing. Music was coming from
inside. The smaller house was sitting next to it.
They skulked up to it, knocked out Carmen's henchmen
guarding the door, and were in.
"Uh, Carmen, the redhead's here and she has another
detective and this duck with her!" one of Carmen's grey-clad
henchmen shouted, running into the room.
"A duck? What did she bring a duck for?" Sara asked. "Oh,
her date!"
"I dunno, but he's big, talks, and has a sword and an
eyepatch! Kinda piratical!"
"Carmen, are you sure you wouldn't reconsider a time
portal?" Zack asked, going even paler.
"Yes," Carmen said, still rather amused; a piratical duck.
Maybe Ivy wasn't as straight-laced as she wanted everyone to
think.
Just then Duke, Ivy and Jasmine appeared in the doorway.
"Uh, here - " Moe said, throwing Zack at Ivy. "He's, uh,
been sending messages to the boss when you're on a date."
"You did what?!" Ivy demanded, shoving Zack off and
getting to her feet, as Carmen slipped out the back.
Moe's jaw dropped and he stared at Duke while Sara took off
after Carmen. Zack backed away from Ivy and scrambled to his
feet. "Uh, well, I can explain ..."
"No, you can't," Duke said. "Sheesh, even Nosedive has
better sense."
Zack looked at Duke, looked at Ivy, turned, and ran for his
life, heading in the same direction Carmen had.
Jasmine cuffed Moe; Carmen emerged from a door down the
hall. "Go after her! I'll take care of him!"
Duke and Ivy went charging after Carmen, who apparently was
headed for the auditorium. It was an immense, shadowy room, with
a great stage currently half-filled with old props and scenery,
lit by an enormous crystal chandelier, the sort no one dared to
make in this century. Carmen made for the stage while Zack ran
for the exits at the back. Duke and Ivy followed hard on
Carmen's heels, up onto the stage.
Carmen grabbed a fencing sword from the props; Duke drew
his sword. "En guarde!" They fought up and down the stage,
dancing in and out of old scenery from the Sound of Music.
Ivy decided Duke had the situation well in hand and went
after Zack, who was running for the exits. She ran across the
seats after him, and tackled him when he hit a clear spot in
front of the door.
"Ooof! Ivy! I can explain! Really!" Zack protested,
trying to wriggle out from under her. However, she outweighed
him by a good thirty pounds or so, and sat solidly on his chest.
"Little bro, I am going to get you for that," she said.
"Did you pull that stunt with every guy I dated?"
Zack decided silence was the better part of discretion.
"Uh-huh. I thought so," she said, and dragged him to his
feet and up to the stage.
Duke's sword flashed in a series of rapid movements that
Carmen didn't quite manage to parry. A few seconds later, her
coat, in pieces, slid to the ground, revealing short black skirt
and yellow turtleneck. She shook off the sleeves before they
could tangle up her hands.
"That's for ruining my date," Duke said, and parried an
outraged Carmen's next few blows. He disarmed her, tripped her,
and opted to sit on her until Ivy dragged Zack up.
"What do we do with these snakes in the grass? I could con
Tanya into sending them off to some nice deserted island," Duke
said.
"No, let's leave Tanya out of this. Mallory was trying to
drag her out of the lab to go to a club tonight. Besides, Duke,
there's a perfectly good chandelier up there," Ivy said, digging
a pair of experimental handcuffs out of her pockets, and
collecting Zack's ordinary handcuffs and his keys.
"I like the way you think," Duke said, grabbing Carmen and
hauling her to her feet.
"Ivy, you wouldn't!" Zack said. "Mom'll have a fit."
"She's been doing that as long I've been going out with
Duke," Ivy replied, dragging a resistant Zack toward the stairs.
Duke followed with Carmen, who was as unhappy as Zack.
"Your parents don't like me," Duke commented.
Ivy shrugged. "I think it's the eyepatch."
"Detective, don't you think this is a little extreme?" she
asked, trying to break free of Duke.
"No," Ivy said. "This was the third time we tried to see
Phantom. I am tired of being interrupted."
They reached a balcony next to the chandelier. Ivy
handcuffed Zack to Carmen, then she and Duke forced them both up
onto the railing. They had to grab the chandelier chain to keep
from falling; Ivy locked their free wrists together with the
other set of handcuffs, and shoved them the rest of the way over.
"Ivy, let me down!"
"Detective, this is absurd."
"Carmen, so is stealing buildings. Don't worry, Zack. I'm
sure someone will be along to get you out of this shortly."
Duke grinned and transformed his armor back into a suit.
"Or not. I think that other detective, Jasmine, is a little busy
rounding up henchmen. Well, beautiful, the show's ruined, but we
could always go to that little coffee place and then go dancing
for the rest of the night."
"Terrific, handsome," she replied, as they walked down the
stairs. "Chief, situation under control. Duke and I are
returning to San Francisco." Duke took her arm as they reached
the bottom of the stairs.
"Opening C-5 corridor. Where's Zack?"
"He's, um, tied up at the moment. Jasmine's got things
under control."
They walked through the corridor back to San Francisco,
picked up Ivy's car, and drove to their favorite coffeehouse.
Carmen looked murderously at Zack as several giggling Acme
detectives congregated on the balcony, trying to figure out how
to get them off the chandelier.
"This is all your fault."
Zack was reconsidering the offer from a team of Antarctic
scientists to come down there for six months to run their
computers. He was never going to live this down.
Epilogue
"Morning, Danielle," Ivy said, walking into Acme at eight-
thirty; traffic had been bad on the way in, and she hadn't
gotten home until after dawn. She'd changed back into her usual
working clothes. The brown-haired, brown-eyed receptionist
looked up and smiled.
"Morning, Ivy," Danielle said. "The Chief wants to see you
an hour ago."
"That fast, huh?" Ivy said, pouring herself coffee with
cream and sugar. "Anything else?"
"Josha wants you to call him. Something about keys. He's
called several times. Um, did you happen to catch the news?"
"I was out all night," Ivy said, smiling broadly.
"Hot date, huh? Lucky you," Danielle said enviously. "And
I sit home all alone. Some people have all the luck. Anyway,"
she said with a grin, "it seems Carmen and Zack got, um, a little
attached last night. Something about a duck and a redhead."
Ivy laughed. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. If you don't spill it at lunch, I'll tell Libby to
make sure you don't get anything edible."
"Uh, right. Danielle, I don't know if I'll even get to eat
lunch," Ivy said, yawning. She sipped her coffee. "That it?"
"Yep." The phone rang. "Hi, Chief. Yes, she just walked
in. I'll tell her."
"Go directly to Josha's lab, do not pass go, do not collect
$200." Danielle was an inveterate Monopoly player.
Ivy waved and passed her badge through the scanner to get
in to work. She walked through the maze of corridors to get down
to Josha's lab.
"Ivy, where have you been? You shut your communicator off,
you never write, you never call!"
"Chief, it was one night. I can have one night off. You
promised I could have last night off."
"Just where were you?" the Chief demanded.
"You sound like my mother," Ivy complained, confiscating
Josha's chair. Arguing voices came from deeper in the lab. "I
was several places, and none of them are any of your business,
Chief." They'd started out at the coffeehouse, then visited half
a dozen dance clubs, and gone to another coffeehouse for what
remained of the night.
"Yeah, yeah. Did you bring the keys?"
"Keys?"
"Yes, keys. Those things you turn to unlock or lock
things, remember? Such as handcuffs. How could you leave Zack
and Carmen hanging?"
Josha came back, followed shortly by Zack and Carmen,
startlingly close to each other.
Ivy yawned again, mightily. "Sorry. They got down; there
were plenty of people around to get them down. Quite easily,
Chief, I've had it with Zack tipping off Carmen to ruin my dates.
I've had it with Carmen ruining my dates - dammit, that was the
third time we tried to see Phantom, and she steals it! That's
not even counting the half-dozen other dates with Duke she's
ruined, the dates with other people ..."
Josha shook his head, looking confused. "Can I have my
chair back? And don't put the coffee down on my files."
"That's no excuse, Ivy. You abandoned your partner - "
"I did not. Jasmine was there, and there were other
detectives incoming." She sighed and looked at Josha. "All
right, all right," she grumbled, getting up.
Josha sat down, and Ivy realized Zack and Carmen were still
handcuffed together, and apparently had been for the entire night
... some twelve hours or so.
"Did you bring the keys?" the Chief demanded.
Ivy chuckled, then sat down hard on the floor and laughed
heartily.
"Detective, this is undignified, rude and callous."
Ivy laughed harder.
"Sis, come on! Just give Josha the keys!"
"Ivy, you had my experimental handcuffs, and we can't get
them off without the keys," Josha said. "I want them out of my
lab!"
Ivy finally stopped laughing a few minutes later. "Oh,
that was priceless!" She dug the keys from her pockets. "OK,
little bro, what do I get in return for the keys?"
"IVY!" the Chief said. "That's enough. Just hand over
the keys."
"Chief, you have no sense of humor," Ivy said, tossing
Josha the keys. He immediately unlocked Zack and Carmen,
retrieved his handcuffs, and looked like he wanted everyone to
get out of his lab.
Carmen and Zack both glared at her, and stepped well away
from each other.
The Chief answered a call. "Bad influence? He's the bad
infuence, Wildwing! Before she took up with him she was a
good, serious detective! Now she goes around handcuffing people
to chandeliers! What do you mean, he never acted like this
either! He's the reformed thief, isn't he?"
Ivy started laughing again. "I have got to call Mallory
tonight," she commented, staggering to her feet. "This is just
too good."
"And now it took us forever to get her to hand over the
keys because she turned off her communicator. He turned his off
too? What do you mean you can't have that? I can't have one of
my best detectives handcuffing her partner to chandeliers,
either!"
"Sis, I'm going to get you - "
"Detective, this means war."
Ivy chuckled. "Bugs Bunny, Carmen?"
Josha looked at everyone. "The Chief's arguing with a
duck. Carmen and Zack are allying against Ivy, who has flipped
out. I'm the only sane person in the room." He thought about
it. "Carmen, drop that! Everyone get out of my lab!"
Ivy staggered laughing out of his lab back to her own
office.
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