'A WOEICS Fairytale.' ^-^ By Misty
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Ivy - Ivy...uh, her last name’s not important. Anyway, Princess Ivy was very unhappy, for her only wish was to leave the comfort of her multi-million dollar suburban palace in the Kingdom of San Franciscoville, and make a living as a just-barely-of-age (18 year old) crime-fighting detective and girl’s role model. But alas, her parents kept her trapped in her room, and refused to let her persue her dream.
One night, Ivy knelt at her window sill, and wished upon the first star, just like she did every night, and the whole forest seemed to hush at the princess’s quiet and dignified sorrow.
'HEY! SOMEONE COME AND SAVE ME ALREADY!!!! DO I HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF, OR WHAT?!?!?'
But this night was different. After her, uh, moving plea, a bright light began to glow near her ceiling. With a gentle whoosh, a blue portal opened, and a tall, raven-haired woman wearing fairy wings - and a red, louge singer dress - appeared!
'Who in the he-' Ivy began.
'Ah, ah ah!' the woman said, waving a finger, 'nooo cussing, dear!'
'Err, okay. Who the *heck* are you?'
'Why, I’m your Fairy God-thief.'
'My Fairy God-what?'
'Fairy God-thief!' the fairy exclaimed, started to become annoyed. 'Why else would I be wearing these stupid wings?'
'Wait a minute. So a thief can have a starring role, but I can’t say --'
A loud BLEEP drowned out the repugnant word.
'Yes, that’s right,' the fairy replied, unruffled. 'It’s not my fault the censors don’t think it’s inappropriate for a master criminal to be portrayed as a good-guy.'
'Well, I guess the important thing is that you’re here. So, you’ve taken mercy on my despondent soul?'
'Actually, I was sent by the neighborhood council. Your yelling is really disturbing the cul-de-sac, you know. Since granting you your wish is the only way to shut you up, I was called in.'
'Oh, thank you, Fairy God-thief!' Ivy exclaimed joyfully.
'Call me Carmen, dear.'
'Okay! But Carmen, why are you wearing that awful red dress? Are you moonlighting as lounge singer, or what?'
'Hey! You should have seen what the costume designer intended for me to where! All pink and frilly, and fairyish...' Carmen shuddered with the horror of it all. 'This was the only red thing in the closet.'
'Whatever. So, let’s free me already!'
Carmen shook her head gravely. 'Not that easy. First, I must find one worthy of freeing you.'
'What’s wrong with you?'
'That’s not my job description!' she snapped. 'Now, I will go forth, and find one worthy of rescuing you, and lead him through the Three Tasks.' And the Fairy God-thief was gone before Ivy could even ask what those three tasks were.
* * *
As Carmen zoomed through limbo, she mentally searched her list of candidates. There was Armando Arguella - no he had a last name, that was no good. There was that Marco fellow, but he drove a motorcycle - no the censors wouldn’t want Ivy being rescued by a biker. There was Josha... Yes! He was perfect for the job.
Carmen stopped her inter-dimensional travel and landed on a beach, where a blonde young man watched the waves contentedly. 'Oh that's very good,' she thought to herself, 'the media just loves the 'sensitive man' image.'
The young man noticed her, and stumbled to his feet awkwardly. 'Ma’am?'
'Hello, Josha. This is your lucky day; I’ve picked you to rescue Princess Ivy.'
'A princess? Rescue? Me?'
'That’s right!' Carmen waived her hand, and Josha found himself clad in princely attire, complete with a sword and cape.
'Who are you?' he demanded, awestruck.
'I’m Ivy’s Fairy God-thief. Call me Carmen. I’ll help you pass the Three Tasks.'
'Uh, Three Tasks?'
'Yes, you must conquer three arduous tasks before you can save Ivy. The first one is a trial of distraction. If you do not conquer it, you will never move forward in life. The second is a test of bravery. If you fail, you will...' somewhere in the distance, dramatic orchestral music faded in, 'DIE A THOUSAND PAINFUL DEATHS, AND AFTER AN ETERNITY OF SUFFERING, SIMPLY CEASE TO EXIST.' Carmen’s voice echoed, though there were no mountains or walls to cause such phenomena. 'I love it when I do that!' she chuckled merrily. 'Anyway, the third task is hardest of all. I can’t describe to you this last one, you will simply have to get there and see for yourself. So, ready to start?'
'Ye-ah,' Josha, who had been dead silent all through Carmen's explanation, said slowly.
'Um, I’m gonna put my wallet on this rock over here, okay? I don’t want any trouble. I swear, I don’t have any other valuables...'
'I’ll take that as a 'yes',' the fairy said, shrugging. She grabbed his hand, and they disappeared through what will be called the 'Fairy-5,' as C-5 could not be used for copyright reasons.
To be continued...
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