OK, a few warnings before you dive into this:
If there are any problems/objections/ quesitons/complements my e-mail is empressleonine@hotmail.com
Otherwise, sit back and enjoy. Hope you have as much fun reading as I did writing...


915#
The Play's the thing

(9th season theme song, then all 6 theater doors closing)

(Bots and mike are in a line for something, all are in terry-cloth bathrobes, holding various shower soaps. The bots have tub toys)

TOM: Try again mike...

MIKE: OK... (pounding on something just offstage) Carmen? Are you done yet?

Carmen:(offstage) Yeah, almost... just let me brush my teeth!

CROW: Geez, she takes forever!

MIKE: Yeah well... (noticing Cambot) Oh, hi everyone and welcome to the satellite of Love. Um.. you'll have to excuse us but we're running a little behind today...

TOM: (interrupting) Yeah, SOMEone's hogging the shower...

CROW: Mike, ask her again!

MIKE: OK.. Uh Carmen? CARMEN?

Carmen: Yeah?

MIKE: Carmen, the show's started already! We need to get in there!

CARMEN: OK, hang on...

CROW: Mike! She's been in there forever! Can't we just override to door lock?

MIKE: No! Not yet...

(general sound of disappointment)

TOM: You know I thought having a human woman around the ship would be cool!

CROW: Yeah! Y'know we expected her to do... y'know.. the girly stuff women do.. like cleaning out the sludge pan on the e-deck...

TOM: Or making lace doilies for the air-exchangers!

MIKE: In other words, the chores you hate?

CROW: Exactly! But instead of catering to our fantasies, she's thrown the ship into total chaos!

TOM: Mike, you have to stop her!

MIKE: Why? I mean call me silly... but the ship is in the best working order since I've been on board.. (lowering his voice) and she's working on an escape plan to get us out of here! Besides... I'm pretty sure she could kick my butt in a fair fight...

CROW: And who said you have to fight fair?!

MIKE: Well I... hey!

TOM: (reasonably) OK, Mike... SURE our standard of living has changed for the better... SURE she's working on a plan to get us out of the weekly torture that we've suffered under for nearly ten years... But she won't stop hogging the TV! I had to miss 'She's the Sheriff' TWICE this week!

CROW: Yeah!

TOM: And she gets up at nine every day and jogs loudly around the ship!

MIKE: Well I'm sure she doesn't mean...

CROW: And what about the showers mike? Just think of the hair clog that is lying on the drain in there! You know she never cleans the trap!

TOM: Yeah! You're the man on this ship.. by default anyway... and what you say should go!

CROW: No matter how stupid it is!

MIKE: Yeah... Yeah!

TOM: Now knock on that door and show her who’s the boss!

MIKE: Yeah! (He knocks) Carmen! Either you come out of there now, or.. I'm gonna have to ask you again!

CARMEN: Mike. Did you know at ACME I learned how to throw a man twenty feet using only three fingers?

MIKE: Uh.. no...

(Commercial sign starts blinking)

CARMEN: Just think about that.

TOM: Uh… heh heh… We'll be right back..



/-commercials..-/

(We go back to find Carmen drying her hair on the bridge. Servo and Crow are clean)

TOM: Look, I'm sorry... how were we supposed to know you were adding some new attachments to the shower?

CROW: Yeah, the auto buffer was a nice touch... and I think Mike's enjoying the massage jets...

CARMEN: Well thank you.

CROW: And y'know it was real nice of you to let us use our own shower and all...

TOM: Yeah.. Plan on letting us do it again sometime soon?

CROW: Cause a guy could get used to this 'clean' thing...

(mads light starts flashing)

CARMEN: Guys... bite me. Pearl's calling... (she taps the light)



(THE CASTLE: The Brain guy and Bobo are sitting on the floor alone in the Castle... there are distant sounds of a running faucet. Bobo has a rubber ducky under his arm.)

BOBO: Geez.. is she ever going to get done?

OBSERVER: She'll be done when she's done... (noticing the Camera) Oh! Hello Mike. We're a little behind schedule today... Pearl had to take her shower first and... (looking into the Camera) Say wait a minute.. Where's mike?

(SOL) CARMEN: Uh... Mike's in the shower right now...

CROW: Literally!

CARMEN: ..may I take a message for you?



(castle) OBSERVER: Blast! He's supposed to be here! It's part of the experiment! ...And I so wanted to.. wait! Perhaps you could help me?



(SOL) Carmen: Well I'd be happy to try... What is it exactly you need help on?



(Castle. Camera equipment has sprouted into view)
OBSERVER: Well... in the spirit of hot new independent films, such as the Blair Witch and She's the One, I have decided to create my own independent film! It will fully capture the essence of my message to the World... without being bogged down by corporate pigs and things like scenery, second takes or anyone getting paid..
It's about a young higher level being, played by me, and the trials he goes through with his associates in order to rule the backwater planet he's stumbled on. Now Bobo has agreed to play "Popo" the higher beings furry, yet incredibly dense companion. But Pearl... well when she read the script she though the whole thing was pointless and she refused to participate! Since Mike is as close to another woman as we are going to get, I thought I might ask him before Pearl finished up... Damn, I'm going to have to find a replacement.. probably going to have to actually PAY for an actor.

BOBO: There goes my death scene...

OBSERVER: You wouldn't happen to know anyone would you?



(SOL) CARMEN: Wait a minute... Brain Guy, how about me? I've been a woman all my life, and I'm a pretty good actor. You should see me in court...



(Castle)OBSERVER: (excited) Really? Well! I never knew.. of course we're going to have to give you an audition first... Do you know anything off the top of your head you could use? No! No, of course you wouldn't! I'll send you up something...



(SOL) CARMEN: Actually, Brain Guy.. If I may? I would like to try and read a soliloquy from Macbeth.

TOM: How could you do a reading without a copy of the script?

CARMEN: Cut it out Tom...

TOM: (knows an escape attempt when he sees one) Wha? Oh..



(Castle)
OBSERVER: Oh... Well if you can do it off the top of your head like that... Whenever you're ready?



(SOL. Carmen, tom and crow are suddenly in Elizabethan garb. Tom is playing the flute from 'Deadly Bees')
CARMEN: Glamis thou art, and Cawdor; and shalt be
What thou art promised: yet do I fear thy nature;
It is too full o' the milk of human kindness….
Hie thee hither,
That I may pour my spirits in thine ear;
And chastise with the valour of my tongue
All that impedes thee from the golden round,
Which fate and metaphysical aid doth seem
To have thee crown'd withal.

(she does the speech with flair, good tempo and marvelous acting)



(Castle)
OBSERVER: (overwhelmed) Oh my... That was superb! You've got the job! I'll just beam you down here and.. oh wait.. I shouldn't bring you down here, I mean you'd escape as soon as my back was turned! But... ah what the hell! It's only for one scene, and it's not like Pearls going to know about it.

(Pearl is seen sneaking up behind him during this speech in a bathrobe)
PEARL: I don't THINK so...

BOBO: Yippee! The Bathroom's free! (he goes running off stage)

OBSERVER: Wait! Bobo! Get back here! (suddenly realizes he's alone with pearl)

PEARL: Sooo... You were going to go over my head..

OBSERVER: (Nervous stammering) I...I.. I was doing no such thing! I assure you!

PEARL: (getting a good grip on his ear) I'll deal with you later, hostess snowball.. So, Mike.. Wait a minute.. where's Nelson?

OBSERVER: (weakly) ..he's still in the shower..

PEARL: What?!? Is everyone behind schedule today? ...It's so hard to find good subjects for painful torture nowadays.
(Pearl let's go of Brain Guy's ear, he gets up rubbing it)
Well, as long as I've got your attention, Carmen, I need your input on your first experiment. (pulls out a clipboard) Now this is scientific research, so please be as honest as you can. Now, overall... how much did it hurt watching yourself pull off that incredibly pointless heist?



(SOL: everyone is still in Elizabethan garb)
CARMEN:(with complete honesty) Well.. at first it hurt. And when I say hurt, I mean severe, mind numbing pain. There were moments when I questioned how sane I was during those days.. Especially with the scarf thing... But then I examined it from another view point. I actually saw a few things that I have changed for the better since then. Employee moral, for instance. But I also saw how my overall enjoyment of the heists has drastically declined. So overall the experience gave me foresight on how to conduct my businesses from now on, as well as some things I would like to change when I get back. And I would like to thank you for the opportunity to me, to see that footage again. God knows I wouldn't have seen it on my own.



(CASTLE: OBSERVER and PEARL both are stairing at the camera, open mouthed with disgust/disbelief. After a pause...)

OBSERVER: My god... you've got to be kidding me!

PEARL:(huffy, annoyed) Well...That's just fine... FINE!

OBSERVER: What is she, some kind of sadomasochist?!

PEARL: Well... the pain helps you learn, huh? HUH?! Well stuff this in your throat and choke it!
(brain guy hands her a film canister with "The Play's the thing" labeled across it)
PEARL: Your experiment today, will be a tepid piece of acting with the most airhead character ever to grace the small screen. No small feat, considering the fierce competition by Pauly Shore and Brittany Spears. I give you: "The Plays the thing." Just try and learn something from this!

(both cackle maniacally, until..)

BOBO: (offstage) Help! Help me! The soap's attacking me again!

(both look at each other)

PEARL: It's your turn.

OBSERVER: It is not! I saved him last time! Why can we just get a liquid soap dispenser is beyond me...

PEARL: Well we did, but he...



(SOL: All still in Elizabethan garb. Carmen is stunned; staring straight ahead, motionless. The bots are oblivious to her condition)

CROW: Hey, no sweat!

Tom: If these things don’t phase Carmen, it should be a walk in the park for us!

Crow: This experiment's gonna be smooooth sailing..

Tom: Just sit back and reLAX... Right Carmen?... Carmen?

(they notice her state of motionless)

Tom: Oh no...

CROW: ... this can't be good.

(Mike comes out, dressed in a bathrobe)

MIKE: Hey guys, do we have a second boiler? The hot water's dying and I'm not done yet... Er.. what's with the costumes?

(Movie sign flashes)

All ACCEPT CARMEN: Agh! We got movie sign!

(everyone runs off stage, except for Carmen. Mike comes back)

MIKE: Carmen? Carmen! (he waves a hand in front of her face) Geez... (he picks her up and runs off stage)

5...4....3...2..1...

(Mike, still in his bathrobe, comes in carrying Servo and dragging Carmen. The bots and Carmen are still in Elizabethian dress. When all are seated, Mike starts trying to snap Carmen out of it)

MIKE: Carmen? Carmen! Are you OK?

CARMEN: Mrph.. no....

MIKE: She'll be all right.

TOM: Oh thanks for the insight Nelson!

(The intro starts, the player, the camera going thought the Chief's eye and the C5 corridor)

CROW: Geez! Not this again.. Slow down!

(Zack and Ivy appear in China town)

TOM: (zack) Gee Ivy, weren't we here last week?

(Carmen steals the statue)

MIKE: How many times have you stolen that thing?

CARMEN: I think that was the seventh time...

(Ivy eyes the puzzle piece)

TOM: Y'know Ivy you could read the clues a lot better if you could see them...

(Carmen races across Egypt)

CROW: The fifth or sixth time around this is a really catchy tune!

TOM: Yup!

(Zack and Ivy climb up the statue of liberty)

EVERYONE (with the chorus): Here is Carmen Sandiego. Carmen Sandiego! Can't you see she's right here? CAN'T you see she's.. right.. here? (This with emphasizing points at theater Carmen)

(The show's logo comes up)

CARMEN: Brava! Encore! Lets just see the intro over and over again for 20 minutes!

MIKE: It can't be that bad.. can it?

CARMEN: I'll bet you a Fresca it is.

MIKE: Done.

THE PLAYS THE THING
BOTS: That thing, that thing that thiing

("LA" The spotlights)

MIKE: That's right folks! Come into Crazy Larry’s Used Car Emporium and you'll get a free Carmen episode with every test drive!

Director: People! People! Cooperation! We're making magic here!...

CROW: So mill around like you mean it! That goes for you Johnson!

Director: .. the biggest movie in history IF we can get it in the can...

TOM: I think Titanic beat you to it, ya jerk..

Zack: I still can’t believe we’re on a real Hollywood movie set Ivy!

MIKE: Neither do we!

Zack: Wow… look at all this neat stuff!

CROW: So dealing with real guns bombs and nuclear weapons isn’t as exciting as dealing with fake guns bombs and nuclear weapons?

TOM: There’s no business like show business..

MIKE: Don’t you mean “noh” business?

CROW: Mike, let’s not start discussing your pretend acting styles…

Zack:.. her last film “Blow up everything you see” five times!

CROW: Who was that in the picture?

MIKE: Did we just miss a plot point?

CARMEN: What plot?

Carmen: (placing the bill on the table) Anything else detectives?

CROW: Is that…?

TOM: Hey! Kid geniuses! Turn around!

Ivy: No thanks…
Zack: Great burgers!

CROW: So you’re the greatest Criminal mastermind of all time AND you can cook?

CARMEN: (Shrugs modestly)

Director: When the bombs go off, all my actors, in fear run for cover…

MIKE: James Cameron!

TOM: So this was the first version of Titanic?

CROW: For better movie scripts, just add water..

Director: And… Action! (action sequence)

TOM: (at the extras on screen) No no.. Drive INTO the bombs! And you’re jumping way too soon! Where’s a Pepsi pyrotechnics guy when you really need him?!

Zack: C’mon Ivy lets get a closer look!
Ivy: Zack.. The bill! Carmen Sandiego was the caterer!

MIKE: It finally dawns on them!

Zack: No way we’re leaving a tip, then!

TOM: Hey! The nerve!

CROW: You worked your fingers to the bone!

(a tower bursts into flame and crashes to the ground)

ALL BUT CARMEN: Woo hoo! They’re dead! We’re out of here!

CARMEN: Guys, stop being dark.

Zack: Heh! This is soo cool!

BOTS: Ah.. man!…

Director: And… bring on my star!

MIKE: Kate?

TOM: Leo?

CARMEN: (with audible disgust) Lilly…

MIKE AND BOTS: Huh?

Zack: (as Lilly flies in for her close-up) Look! It’s Lilly Marlane!

TOM: (Hums the Wonder Woman theme song)

(Lilly flies past, but the Camera goes back to Carmen who’s standing on the Hollywood sign)

MIKE: Wait.. wait… little to the left.. there we go!

(Carmen tilts her hat then starts to make off with the Hollywood sign)
Ivy: Carmen’s stealing the Hollywood sign?

CARMEN: Actually I was just “Creatively Borrowing” it…

Lilly: Don’t. Even. TRY. To Steal. My. Scene. Carmen.

CROW: I’ll Open. Up. A Can. Of. WoopAss.

TOM: A rock could steal a scene from this girl.

(Lilly throws her shword, stops the theft and Carmen runs away)

ALL: Bad acting! Run away! Run away!

Zack: Wow! That really was awesome!

CARMEN: (Zack) How did she stop Carmen? I’ve got to try that!

Lilly: No boy upstages Lilly MARlane! Nobody..

(We flash to the players computer)

Carmen: … The Key to good Acting is mystery… and I had your detectives fooled player...

TOM: Oh! I get it! Carmen and Lilly switched places! It wasn’t a pointless, uncharacteristic heist. They just switched places! You can tell at the end when Lily says “Nobody”! Right?….. Right?!

CARMEN: It’s OK honey, just let it go..

TOM: But it hurts!

CARMEN: I know.. believe me, I know…

(we pull out of a shot of the Vanity plate “zaknIvy” to the kids driving)

CROW: Mike, can I have a vanity plate?

MIKE: You need a car, crow.

CROW: Picky, Picky!

Zack: Ivy, Lilly Marlane is the greatest Actress alive!

CARMEN: That’s it. I’m learning how to raise the dead…

Ivy: So? Become her agent, and give it a rest Zack!

TOM: Yeah!

Zack: Well, who do you say is the greatest Actress of all time?
Ivy: Carmen Sandiego?

TOM: Wow! You DO do everything!

Zack: No way.. maybe Carmen has great cheekbones, but…

CROW: So THAT’S what they call them now a days?

CARMEN: Crow….

Ivy: No Zack! Car-men San-die-go!

TOM: (ivy) Do I have to annunciate and point every time?

CROW: (zack) Oh! Carmen SANDIEGO.. I thought you said something else…

(the Henchmen unveil the clue)

 TOM: So you’re selling your clues retail now?

CARMEN: Well, it does cut out the middleman…

(Ivy climbs the rope as the scaffolding shakes)

MIKE: Ivy’s a lot heavier than she looks…

Vile henchman #1: Time for a stuntman’s best friend!

TOM: Blow up Wanda?

VH#1: Instant cloud nine!

MIKE: That’s one hell of a Kilo…

CARMEN: Mike…

Ivy: Hit the deck!

CROW: Just say no!

(Zack and Ivy disappear under the airbag, the henchmen make their get away..)
Zack: That’s Ace Bandage and his partner Stan Din!

TOM: (Zack) Let’s go get... say, they left some good stuff!

(the henchmen get away)
Zack: Ah! Great.. NOW what do we do?

MIKE: Well you do have a sports car, you could go after them..

Ivy: See Carmen Sandiego staring in her next theft.. with goodly eyes?

MIKE: Or… not.

TOM: I see you Ump..

Zack: Player! Infoscan “eyes”!
Chief: Why didn’t you say so, my little optimologist?

TOM: Is he talking dirty?

CARMEN: No!

Chief: Carries the images to your brain.. assuming you’ve got one

CARMEN: (pointing) Sara Bellum!

MIKE: Huh?

Chief: Unt cheese and craxkers! Ve get movies in the head of everything ve see!

MIKE: I think we’ve learned something today.

Ivy: Maybe we’re eyeing this clue all wrong! Carmen’s silhouette “eye” is wearing makeup that looks Egyptian, like Cleopatra famous queen of the Nile...

BOTS: /-hum ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ until Ivy says:-/

Ivy: But what does the clue mean? Shakespeare’s pretty confusing!

CARMEN: And ‘Shakespeare in Love’ was worse!

Zack: Well, yeah, cause that’s the way they spoke back then..

CROW: (at the fashion plates) Ah.. Gwenie’s wardrobe

Zack: But his plays are way cool!

TOM: (Surfer dude) Rhythmic onamonpia verse rules dude!

MIKE: (Beavis) Heh heh.. onamona-pee-a…

Zack: Looks like Carmen’s been bitten by the show biz bug Ive…

CROW: Hope it’s not contagious!

MIKE: Nah, you’re thinking of scabies. If show business was contagious then they’d be trying to act…

Ivy:...And makeup which actors use to play different characters!
Zack: The way Carmen did last night!

TOM: See? See?!

CARMEN: He’s talking about the caterer disguise Tom!

Ivy: (pointing to the box) What do you want to bet that’s an ancient Egyptian makeup kit?

MIKE: You mean we get to put money down on it?

CARMEN: Two bits says it is…

Ivy: The Egyptian eye? The quote from Anthony and Cleopatra?

CARMEN: the smoking gun?

TOM: The guy who shot JR?

CROW: The lace teddy?

Zack: Player, quick! Access museums so we can find a makeup box like the one in the billboard! Egypt…

CARMEN: Professor Plum..

Zack: Cairo Museum…

CARMEN: In the drawing room…

Zack: The makeup box!

CARMEN: With Mrs. White’s leftover fruitcake. I win!

MIKE: Eh, I’m sick of playing clue.. can we play another game?

Zack: Bingo! Player C5 us to Cario!

MIKE: Well… it’s a mouthful, but…

MIKE & BOTS: (singing) There was a farmer, had a dog and “Bingo! Player C5 us to Cairo” was his name-o! “B-I-N-G-O-P-L…”

CARMEN: (Monty Python) Stop that! It’s silly!

Chief: Zack and Ivy c’mon down!

CROW: From that ledge! You have so much to live for!

Chief:…all expense paid trip to Cairo. The capital city of Egypt and the largest city on the continent of Africa!

CARMEN: You’ll be staying courtesy of the 7 plagues hotel and casino. 7 plagues. Where you’ll never see bloodless water or a frogless bed. We’ll keep a bush burning for you.

TOM: And you call US silly?

CROW: (referring to the whales) They’re coming right at us!

Chief:… while you’re clue-busting in Egypt check out the massive pyramids..

Tom: So that’s what they call them…

Chief: …the mysterious sphinx, also massive…

CROW: So that’s what they call it…

Chief: …and the longest river in the world, the incredible Nile!

CARMEN: (As she and Mike cover Servo and Crows mouths respectively): Enough already! We get the joke!

Chief: Makeup fashions haven’t changed in 4000 years..

MIKE: As shown by this informative photo collage.

CROW: (still muffled) Mrph!

Ivy: And back then both women and men wore makeup!

CARMEN: (starts humming “Time Warp”)

Chief: … and ancient Egyptian girls just couldn’t respect a guy who didn’t know how to put on his own mascara!

TOM: (to Mike) Mrph mr mrpff mrrr..

MIKE: Why you little…

CROW: (since mike let go of his jaw, at the makeup materials) Looks deadly… looks to heavy… ew!

Chief: OK, next stop: Egypt. A country so dry, some places go without rain for several years at a time!

TOM:… not even going to try it…

Cairo, Egypt
(Z and I are in the museum, bells and whistles are going off)

MIKE: (Zack) Dang pocket knife always sets off the airport metal detectors…

(we pan over to see Carmen taking the box from a Carmen-Silhouette hole in the display glass)

TOM: The Carmen Sandiego Glass cutter. Cuts glass of any thickness to resemble Carmen Sandiego. While supplies last.

Ivy: Hold it right there Carmen!
Carmen: Glad to see you could make my… opening night detectives…

MIKE: Did you just say…

CARMEN: It's the first season Mike, think Aeon Flux with a God Complex and give me a break...
(Z and I charge.. right into the path of an angry mummy!)

CROW: Run! It’s Billy Zane!

CARMEN: Someone find Brendan Fraiser or Patricia Velazquez!

WHAT DID ANCIENT EGYPTIANS USE TO OUTLINE THEIR EYES?


TOM: Don’t remember, Don’t care.

MIKE: C’mon guys… time for our falafel break..



To Be Continued...