Music played in Tory’s head again. Jennifer and Nell were off at dance, and Jasmine had gone off to practice early when they woke up that morning. The cabin was silent, the only sounds the faint whisper of music from the practice rooms, the rustling and chirpings of nature outside.

Still the music played as Tory did her best not to look over at the bed next to her.

Hello, my love, I heard a kiss from you, red magic satin playing near too...All through the morning rain I gaze, the sun doesn’t shine, rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind...

Tory had never much liked music except as entertainment or relaxation before a performance. Now it seemed like it was everywhere, failing to do just that as she did her best to pretend she was normal.

Why me? Why me, why now, why her? Most of all, why her? Me, now, her, this…they’ll kill me if they find out.

The music grew louder and Tory suddenly couldn’t push the memory out of her head any longer.

Pretty music I hear, so happy and loud, blue flower echo from a cherry cloud…

…Lucas raised the axe over Justin’s head. Behind them, Tory, Elizabeth, and Carol stood; Beth with her hands clasped primly, Carol with a long-suffering expression on her pretty face, Tory staring into space absently with a banana peel on her shoulder and no shoes.

“I’ll probably wake up before anything happens. Best get it over with.” Justin lowered his head to the chopping block, squeezed his eyes closed. “Friend…be not afraid of thy office…”

Tory shifted her gaze towards him, smiled absently and wiggled her fingers. “Goodbye Willie!”

“Goodbye Hamlet,” Beth intoned dramatically.

“Goodbye, George.” Carol tossed her hair in exasperation and relief.

Lucas had the most incredible voice, even when he wasn’t trying. When he tried, as he was now, he could stop a person in their tracks. “Goodbye, Sir Thomas.”

Justin didn’t move. “You send me to God.”

The lights cut just before Lucas brought down the axe. Unseen to the audience, Justin scrambled out of the way and lay himself onto the floor facedown, “dead.” The axe slammed into the block with a crack that elicited gasps and cries from the audience. He raised his voice again. “Behold! The head of Sir Thomas Moore!”

Tory sighed, but kept her voice cheerful. “Oh, I wish I weren’t blind and could’ve seen that, Willie. Oh well, no matter! It’s just another happy day, pause, smile, pause, lifts left eyebrow, lifts right eyebrow, picks nit from hair. All in darkness, all in vain, no one can see her. She shrugs. Count three.

“End play.”

The lights went up to thunderous applause. The four “live” actors took their bows, pointedly ignoring the dead Justin, and exited. The curtain closed, and Justin scrambled backstage. He groaned. “I’m so glad that’s the last performance of that for a while!”

“Why?” Carol teased. “You don’t like being onstage in nothing but a skintight unitard?”

“Not in the least. You try it.”

“No way. You’re the only one with the balls,” Lucas joked, putting an arm on Justin’s shoulder.

Justin froze, and moved away from Lucas. “Um, yeah…thanks…ah, I’m going home for a bit, okay?”

He all but ran out. Tory frowned. “What’s his problem?”

Everyone else shrugged. Tory sighed. “Weirdo. Lucas, I need a ride to the cast party.”

“Right. You need to change?” Lucas pulled on his sweater over his bare chest…the executioner had no costume except the hood, so the director had decided to use Lucas’ well muscled body for extra effect and sent him onstage shirtless.

“No, why?”

“But,” Carol cried, eyes wide, “that outfit is filthy!”

“Tory, you’re such a dirty girl,” Lucas joked as they left the building.

The night was metallic and freezing, the sky silvery with the light of coming snow. Tory wrapped her arms around Lucas, shivering. “How fast does your car warm up?”

“Fast enough.” Lucas opened the car doors, and Tory tore around the car, skidding on the icy frost on the street in her haste to get out of the freezing air. Lucas closed the driver side door as he climbed in, and turned on the heat. They shivered, breath puffing out in tiny misty clouds the same pale shade as the sky, silent for a long moment.

“Tor?”

“Hmm? Yeah, Lucas, what?”

“I know why Justin was acting so weird.”

“Oh? You stuck that stick up his butt, then?”

Lucas’ eyes were darker than the shadows he hid his face in. “In a manner of speaking. I haven’t told this to anyone, Tory. But you’d understand, I know.”

Tory held her hands against one of the heaters, mind racing on to her costume for the other play opening this week. Kimonos in this weather…. “Okay, so what it is?”

“I’m gay, Tory. And Justin knows.”

Tory tilted her head. “Is that all?” she asked, perplexed.

“Well…” Lucas turned to her. “Yeah! It’s a big deal, Tory. You saw how he acted!”

“Lucas, Justin’s a misogynistic jackass. Everyone knows that. Why are you telling me?”

“What?”

Tory was still hardly listening, reviewing lines in her head. “Why are you telling me? You said I’d understand.”

Lucas shrugged, radiating embarrassment. “Well, because you’re, you know, the same.”

“I’m what?” Tory looked at him in disbelief, and began laughing. “You think I’m a lesbian?”

“You aren’t?” Lucas frowned. “You never date anyone, though. You don’t crush on everyone like the rest of the girls…don’t laugh! I’m serious!”

Tory made herself stop laughing. “Sorry. Lucas, I went out with Trevor, remember? After that date, I’m not about to risk another with anyone!” She shuddered, not from the cold, and cleared her head. “Besides, I have better things to do with my time. I have a career to think about. Just because the other girls think of this as just fun and games doesn’t mean I do. That’s all there is to it. I don’t have time for love.”

Lucas sighed. “All right, Tory. Just don’t tell anyone what I told you. I hope Justin can keep his mouth shut.”

The car peeled away from the curb, crunching on the ice as Tory replied. “He will, Lucas, and I won’t tell. It’s just not that big of a deal.”

And two weeks later, Lucas was in the hospital. Tory pressed her hands to her eyes, trying to block out the images of the strong actor, lying in the hospital, eyes closed, barely breathing without help. They’d dragged him out of his car one night, sliding him over the ice and hard blocks of snow, slamming him into the sidewalk and car, slashing at him with icicles…as much brutality as possible before throwing him, unconscious, back into the car and leaving him there in the snowy night.

He’d never regained full use of his left leg. It’d been too savaged during the fight, leaving him with a limp, and the night in the car had added the loss of three toes. He grew sick constantly, seemed to never be healthy again. Lucas had left the school at the end of the year.

Even if he’d been brave enough to return, he couldn’t perform any more.

They’ll do it to me, too. Only it’ll be worse. It’ll be an affront to Trevor’s masculinity…he was the only one I ever dated. And if they learn it’s Nell I want, it’ll be even worse…because he wants her…he’s marked her as his…the way I was…

The cabin suddenly seemed too exposed. Tory rolled off the bed and began pacing the length of their cabin. It was long, thin, and divided almost into two unequal parts by the row of wooden lockers two thirds of the way through the cabin. The two thirds away from the door contained the sleeping area: four beds with just enough room between the foot of the beds and the wall to walk by comfortably, a case of shelves beside each, and a storage space underneath. Tory slept in the bed closest to the lockers. Nell slept on the other side, near the bathrooms.

The bathrooms weren’t very impressive, but for a rustic setting, they were palatial. The visible part showed a row of two sinks with a long shelf above where the girls’ toiletries sat. Past part of the wall to the south, there were four half-lockers for towels and such. Invisible, to the north, was a small blocked off room that held the two toilet stalls and two cramped shower stalls. The floors were linoleum, not wooden like the rest of the cabin. Tory stared into the mirrors above the sinks. The sullen-faced, lanky haired girl in the mirror stared back. Tory turned and headed to the western third of the cabin.

Past the lockers and sleeping area was the living area, with a four seater table and chairs, a futon, two tall bookshelves, and a ratty rug. The door was just on the west side of the lockers, so that anyone entering went into the easternmost side of the living space. Jasmine’s instrument rack stood in the corner, and the game of Life that Jennifer and Nell had been playing earlier still lay out on the table.

Right now, the other girls were probably in the rec hut just across the dusty clearing. The cabin was in the center and in front of the other cabins, a straight shot across from the rec huts and the sundeck by the lake. The road to classes and the boy’s side was further down the row. Tory peeked out the dirty windows at the rec hut, and chewed at her lip.

I want to go. I can’t go. I want to go, but I won’t. I don’t want to go. I refuse to want to go join them. I can live without Nell for half a day.

A hand pulled absently at the collar of her shirt, and Tory realized she was chewing the tips of her hair. Spitting them out, she stalked purposefully from the window, and threw herself back onto her bed. Pulling her headphones off the top of the bookcase beside her, she decided to let herself float with the music.

A little sexual frustration, combined with lack of motivation…

Tory yanked the headphones off and slammed them back on top of the shelves. Furious and frightened, she turned onto her stomach and buried her face in her pillow.

God, God, what is wrong with me?

“Oh my God…Tory!”

Tory winced, and willed her friend to stay where she was, to not rush over and bring more attention to her. Jennifer’s own will stubbornly refused.

The dancer ran over to Tory, moving lithely even in her worry. She put a hand to Tory’s cheek. “What happened? Your face…” He eyes moved down. “Your arms! Oh my God, Tory, what happened to you? You’re a mess!”

Shut up, Jennifer. Just shut up. Go back to playing Parcheesi or whatever. Just go away!

Jennifer’s eyes were dark. “Tory, what happened? You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

Tory jerked her chin out of her friend’s fingers. “It’s nothing, Jennifer. I fell out of bed.”

Jennifer’s voice seemed high and loud enough to shatter the entire rec hut with each word. “That is such a load of crap, Tory. What happened?”

“Jennifer…” Tory let a calculated amount of panic enter her voice, hoping her friend would hear it and move outside. “Jenn, it’s nothing! Come on, quit it!”

Jennifer opened her mouth, then snapped it shut, her lips pressed together in a grim line. She grabbed Tory’s arm, carefully avoiding the bruises. “Come on.”

Tory allowed herself to be “dragged” outside, dancing inside with relief as the door swung closed behind them, cutting her off from the surprise and harsh gazes of the rest of the class. There was almost no one outside, where the clouds threatened to open up at any moment, though Tory could feel eyes on the two of them hidden behind limp curtains hanging in the cabin windows. Jennifer pulled her along at a surprisingly fast rate, given the fact that Tory was supposed to be resisting, and Tory obligingly stumbled over the gravel and rocks in the road, and on up the stairs to their cabin.

Jennifer slammed the door behind them and all but threw Tory onto the futon. Tory closed her eyes with relief. She hadn’t wanted to leave the cabin at all, but not putting in an appearance would’ve been even more suspicious than her behavior lately. Being taken back to the cabin was better than she’d hoped for. An obligatory appearance before feigning weariness had been her original plan. This one was better. This way, she was excused, absolved of blame or suspicion, and away from prying eyes and knowing glances that were sure to put in an appearance soon enough. This way, she had an excuse to stay hidden away.

Jennifer coughed, and Tory realized the dancer was standing with her arms crossed and a furious frown on her face. “Tory, what is going on? Who did this to you? What happened? You are telling me this second, or I swear, I’ll…”

She stopped, thoughtful, and Tory saved her from having to come up with something she’d do if Tory didn’t speak. “Jennifer, it’s all right. Really. The arm bruises are from class this afternoon. Liam wanted us to do some tumbling and practice fighting in movement class. I just got banged up in there.”

Jennifer narrowed her eyes. “That badly? In a theater movement class?”

Tory sighed, stood up, and grabbed Jennifer’s arm. “Here. Observe.”

Without further warning, Tory swung a leg around into Jennifer’s knees, knocking her to the floor. As Jennifer crashed to the ground, Tory shifted her grip to pull her up just short of the floor, but close enough that anyone at a distance would think she had actually fallen. Jennifer yelped, wrenched her arm away, and rubbed her shoulder. “Ow! Tory, what the hell was that?”

“One of the things we did today. And you’re a trained dancer, you were already prepared for how to fall correctly. We’re not nearly as well trained yet. See?”

Jennifer frowned, and began massaging her calves. “All right, I get it. Stage movement classes are hard at first. So what about the face, huh?”

Tory absently ran her fingers over the bruise along her jaw line. “I’m not sure. I think I banged it rolling into the bookshelf when I woke up this morning.”

Jennifer’s expression was concerned, but the suspicion and fury were gone from her eyes. “Really?”

Tory shrugged and made a big show of braiding a section of her hair in order to avoid looking in her eyes. “Like I said, I don’t know how I got it. That’s just my guess.”

Jennifer sighed, and went into a stretch right where she sat. “All right, fine. If you say so. You’re just acting so weird lately, Tory. Well, not weird,” she amended, “just a little out of it, I guess. You didn’t join the rest of us looking around the camp this first weekend, and other than class today and that thing in the rec hut, we haven’t seen you at all. You’ve just been in here practicing and listening to music.”

“I always do that, Jenn. I’m the perfectionist drama girl, remember?”

“Yeah, but this is just a teensy bit much, even for you. Do you want the full stay that badly?”

Tory had been expecting Jennifer to guess at something, but this line threw her completely. “Do I what?”

“Don’t answer, it was hypothetical.” Jennifer stood. “We all know you really want that full scholarship spot. Tory…just don’t overdo it. You don’t need to practice till you drop or anything like that. You’re the best here. The drama spot is yours, for sure.”

Her friend wrapped her arms around her, and didn’t seem to notice how Tory pulled back from the other girl’s embrace. “The audition is tomorrow. Don’t overdo it. You’ll see tomorrow. There’s nothing to worry about.”

Tory was more than glad her friend couldn’t see her face right then. There is something to worry about. Not the scholarship, no. I’m worried that I won’t even be around for the rest of the term. There’s plenty to worry about, Jennifer. I’m absolutely terrified of what might happen if any of you find out.

If you think these bruises are bad, just wait. And I put these on my body myself. If I can be this cruel to my own self, imagine what I’ll look like when Trevor and his friends are done with me. There’s plenty to worry about. There’s more than enough here for me to worry about.

Jennifer, my friend…I can’t even tell you why.

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