So I looked in your direction, but you paid me no attention did you?


”Lavender?” A hand pushes against my shoulder. “Lavender, are you there? Hello?”

“I’m here.”

“Then talk to me, mate! This isn’t funny, you’re starting to creep me out the way you keep staring out into space so much.”

“Sorry. I must be more worried about exams than I thought.”

Parvati sounded a bit doubtful. “If you say so.”

What am I supposed to say? It’s not as if I’m lying. I won’t lie. It’s not in me, and I hate it when anyone doesn’t tell the truth. Especially me. I am worried about exams...probably more than I think, exactly as I said. And yet I still feel awful...because I’m not telling her everything, and she knows it, and that’s just the same as lying.



I know you don’t listen to me, ‘cause you say you see straight through me don’t you.



“You’re getting skinny,” Padma mentions. Parvati just left to get another book, so it’s just the two of us. “Are you all right? Parvati’s really worried.”

“I’m on a diet. Besides, eating makes me feel sick lately. I guess it’s nerves.”

Padma’s less perceptive than her twin. It must be because she doesn’t see me day and night like Parvati does. After all, she is in another house. “Oh, of course. You’ve been studying hard, haven’t you? I’d better let you alone, then.”

I’m alone for a few minutes, a few precious minutes without everyone telling me I’m looking far too skinny and they’re worried because I’m not sleeping and my school work is suffering and I’m being too quiet and I’m shaking and my eyes are always bright like I’m about to cry. I don’t need them to tell me that-I know it.

Because I am. I’m not eating. I’m not sleeping. I’m too distracted to do well in anything. I won’t talk because I’m afraid of what I’ll say and I’m so strung out that I can’t stop shaking. And I am always about to cry. All because of five words.

“I think I’m in love.”

She wanted me to know-I’m her best friend, I should know first. Who could blame her? Dean is like a fairy tale, already looking like an adult, handsome, funny, sweet...

How could a small, stick straight, weepy eyed, messy haired, squeaky voiced, weak little nothing like me compare?

“I found the book...Lavender?” Parvati sits, and puts a hand on my elbow. “Are you okay?”

I shake it off without thinking, too forcefully, too quickly, and her eyes darken with concern. She leans closer. “Lavender...are you sure you’re all right? Do you want to talk? I’m here for you...”

“Sorry. I just...I just ache, that’s all. I’m getting weird shocks when people touch me. I’m thinking about making body armor from Cheerios.”

She doesn’t laugh, only sits and sighs, brushing her shorter hair from her face. I couldn't believe it when she cut it-I'd never seen her with anything other than long, dark hair, darker than mine and much prettier. Short hair suits her, though. “Lavender...I’m your friend.”

“I know that. We have exams. Let’s get to work, all right?”



On and on, from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep,
I’ll be there by your side, just you try and stop me.
I’ll be waiting in line just to see if you care.



I’m bleeding. Things just won’t happen the way they’re supposed to. Yet another pet of mine died this year. My parents are fighting and taking it all out on me. My younger brother, just entering Hogwarts this year, is having so much trouble, he hates it here and keeps fighting...and it all falls back on me to fix it. I should be able to deal. I was able to deal. I had Parvati.

And then suddenly I didn’t. And then I had no chance. None at all.

So is there a reason in being here any more? Yes. Because Parvati’s still here. And I can’t live without her somewhere. She doesn’t understand it...I barely do myself. Why do I want to spend all my life with someone who doesn’t even notice me, really? Who doesn’t see me? But I’d die without her, I know I would.



Did she want me to change? But I change for good.
And I want you to know, but you always get your way.
I wanted to say, don’t you shiver.
I’ll always be waiting for you.



I told her. She knows. And she said she could feel the same...thought she felt the same...was sure she didn’t except when I was near and then she wasn’t sure at all if she didn’t or did...thought she could love me back...that I turned her all around when I was near...that she didn’t want it any more, but sometimes when I was close to her...and now, nothing. No chance at all.

This summer, I had nightmares. Horrible ones. The few times I got to spend with the Patils were tense, but they helped because I was near her and the nightmares weren’t as bad. And when she stayed with me, when there wasn’t a Padma in the same room, or her over protective and strict parents watching over her, it was better because I could hold her and the nightmares were almost gone. But when I was alone...

That’s one good thing about school. When I start screaming, she comes over and wakes me up. Hermione hears the screams, and there’s no one else there, so it’s all right for me to hug her and cry when I wake up and wish the moment could last forever because Hermione thinks it’s just nightmares and there’s no one else to judge. Sometimes she’ll let me sleep in her bed with her so I don’t have them at all, and Hermione won’t say a word because it means she can sleep a night all the way through, too-but would she still let me stay with her if she knew what I do How I stay awake for hours after she and Hermione are asleep and stare at her, watch her sleep, dream upon her serene face, the happy look that for one minute is all for me? How I pretend that I’m not there because of nightmares, that Dean will never be in the same place I am right now, and stroke her hair under my hand goes numb and she starts to stir? How I’ve whispered time and time again what I can barely say to her when she’s awake-that I’ll love her forever and ever no matter what, that she’s my life, my everything, I love her, I love her, I love her....

Will she still let me if she knew how I wrap my arms around her and press into her body to feel her warmth, how I hold her as tightly as I can without waking her so she won’t get away? How I let my lips dance over her hair, her eyes, her lashes, her cheeks, wishing I dared do the same while she was awake, while others watched, without fear of rejection and ridicule? How before I’ll let myself sleep, every time, I kiss her, and imagine that she’s awake to do the same to me, and savor every moment, every taste of salt sweetness that I’ll never again have?

She’s told me she wishes I weren’t in love with her. Parvati, my dream, my fantasy, my world...and she doesn’t want me to be in love with her. I wonder if she realizes that I’ve tried...and it’s already too late?



So you know how much I need you but you never even see me do you?
And is this my final chance of getting you?



“Lavender, come on! Talk to me!”

“I’m fine.”

“You are not. Look, we really need to talk. Come with me. Please? It’s important?”

She takes me behind to one of the back staircases in our tower, and sits me down. “I’m furious, you know. You’re killing yourself.”

“I’m not-”

“You are. Lavender...please...I care about you. I’m not everything.”

“I’m just tired-”

“You’re sick. Very sick. Everyone can tell. They’ve asked me. I tell them you are, because you are. Lavender, I’m begging you, don’t do this to yourself.”

Through the haze of pain, I feel a spark. A bit of warmth.

“I love you so much. You’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you. So don’t do this. Don’t keep killing yourself by inches. Find something, someone, to live for.”

“I have.”

“Then...find someone other than me. I’d do anything for you-but I can’t do that. It would be a bad thing for both of us.”

The warmth dies. She doesn’t see. There isn’t anything for me to live for but her. She is my life...if someone tore my heart out, could I live?

If I lost her, can I?



And it’s you I see, but you don’t see me
And it’s you I hear, so loud and clear
I sing it loud and clear
And I’ll always be waiting for you.



Even though I smile now, it hurts to breathe. Pieces of my ceramic heart pierce my lungs with every breath, and I’m bleeding inside. It soaks through my skin, into my robes, and no one else can see it, or see the stains on my hands where I press them against my chest in vain to still the pain, to feel the emptiness where my heart used to be.

There’s blood on my hands that no one sees. Everything is going wrong. And Parvati will be there through it all.

She doesn’t realize she’s all that’s keeping me alive. Nor does she realize that, more than anything else going wrong in my life, the knowledge that I’m still going to lose her-

How do you lose something you never had?

-that is killing me more than anything ellse?

And yet...I still go to her. Because I’m dying anyway, and it’ll happen faster without her. With her, there’s a chance to heal, even though I see her and she doesn’t see me-the angel that can only love her own kind, and not a dying creature like me.



So I look in your direction but you paid me no attention
And you know how much I need you but you never even see me...