SQUIRREL'S CAGE
The following are the chief characters together with the artists who played in
the original production by the B.B.C. in 1929:
HENRY WILSON Michael Hogan
JOHN, his father Laurence Bascombe
ROSE, his mother Mabel Constanduros
MARY, his aunt Eleanor Eldor
IVY, his wife Billie Sinclair
LEADER OF CHORUS Caleb Porter
Overture and Closing Music were written by OWEN MASE.
There is no "Narration"; scene and interlude follow one another without a
break. After the end of each episode there should be one stroke of a bell,
then the scream of a siren, suggesting a rush through time and space. The
"Scenes" should be played very intimately--in rather a low key; in contrast to
the "Interludes," which are to be bold and reverberating, each one working up
to a thunderous climax.
____________________________________
SCENE 1
JOHN Mary.
MARY Yes.
JOHN What time is it?
MARY Mm?
JOHN What time is it?
MARY About three I think. It'll be dawn soon.
JOHN Dawn. (A pause.)
MARY You might turn the lamp up higher, I can hardly see to read.... Thanks.
JOHN Cold, isn't it?
MARY Mm?
JOHN I said it's cold!
MARY Yes. Why don't you put on some more coal?
JOHN What are you reading?
MARY Robert Elsmere, by Mrs. Humphry Ward.
JOHN That's not a very nice book, is it? ... I don't know what mother would
have said if she knew you were reading a book like that ...
MARY (Absently) What?
JOHN I don't know what mother would think of your reading Robert Elsmere--at
a time like this too.
MARY Oh?
JOHN Mother would have been reading the Bible.
MARY John, it's funny, isn't it, to think that you and I are brother and
sister--we're so different. Shall I make some more tea?
JOHN No thanks. I can't understand you---
MARY Quite evidently not, dear.
JOHN You sit here as cool as you please while Rose is lying upstairs ...
MARY Quiet John. What is the good of getting into a state about nothing. Sit
down and rest.
JOHN Rest!
MARY There's nothing to be done--your getting excited doesn't help Rose.
JOHN I'm going upstairs to see if...
MARY You're doing nothing of the kind. The nurse said she wasn't to be
disturbed.
JOHN But I'm not going to disturb her. I'm only going to ... Oh, very well.
MARY That's right, let's have some more tea. I'll put on the kettle. Do turn
the lamp up again, John. I simply can't see to read.
JOHN What's wrong with you, Mary, is that you're all brain and no heart--
you've no feeling.
MARY And you've no sense of proportion.
JOHN How d'you mean?
MARY You'd think Rose was the first woman to go through this--that no one had
ever had a baby before.
JOHN Well, Rose never has.
MARY I know that. Oh John, I know it's awful for you to think that she is
suffering--but other women go through it too. Think of it--all over the world
at every hour of the day and night new babies arriving. Hundreds of thousands
of little new bodies and souls like--like flowers or--drops of rain. Drops of
rain, that's it--each one crystal clear and fresh and absolutely individual.
JOHN You don't seem to think of Rose.
MARY Rose? Suffering for her now but afterwards what triumph and what joy.
You don't know, John, how I envy Rose. (Pause.)
JOHN Ssh! Listen! Do you hear?
MARY What?
JOHN Listen--that's Rose. She's crying out--oh God!
MARY I can't hear.
JOHN There! There again! I must go to her...
MARY No--no---
JOHN The pain--oh God, make it less hard for her, the pain, (whispers) God
make it easier for Rose--help her--let her get better. (Pause. He is heard to
breathe deeply, quickly.)
MARY How hot it is--I'll open the window. Oh John, come! Come here and look
out. It's lovely--drops of rain tinkling in the leaves. Smell the damp earth.
JOHN Yes, it's good.
MARY Listen to the rain--hundreds of little children whispering--rustling
about.
JOHN It is like that--rather ...
MARY And each one absolutely separate--its own life apart.
JOHN There's the kettle boiling.
MARY So it is. Let's have tea--no, that's my cup; yours is the one with the
blue rim ... The sugar's on the mantelpiece.
JOHN Everything topsy turvy--I wish we could get back to normal--Rose is so
tidy.
MARY Yes. I wonder where the tea is?
JOHN Isn't it in the cupboard?
MARY Oh yes, here it is. (Suddenly) Oh! John!
JOHN What is it?
MARY It's--why it's a--a squirrel.
JOHN Oh that--yes, that's a squirrel--it's a pet you know--somebody gave it
to Rose.
MARY What a dear little thing--what a dear little thing--and what a horrid
cage.
JOHN Oh no, the cage is all right--they always keep them in cages like that.
MARY If it were mine I should set it free.
JOHN It's all right--it's quite nice. When it's asleep it lives in the little
box-place and when it's awake it runs round and round in the wire wheel.
MARY Round and round?
JOHN Yes. Round and round.
MARY How awful.
JOHN It likes it--it thinks it's getting somewhere.
MARY And all the while it's just sending the cage spinning round and round.
(Pause.) It runs fast and works furiously and thinks it's doing splendidly and
all that happens ... Oh John, set it free! Let it out of the cage and set it
free in the garden!
JOHN No! No!
MARY Why not?
JOHN You can never set them free after they've been tamed.
MARY Why can't you?
JOHN They get so used to captivity that freedom makes them afraid.
[Pause.
MARY Poor squirrel. Poor little thing. The kettle will be boiled dry--I'll
make the tea. Your child, John, I wonder if it will be a boy or a girl.
JOHN Girl, I'm sure.
MARY Oh, why?
JOHN I don't know, but I'm certain it'll be a girl--I thought we'd call her
Rosemary after you and Rose.
MARY But how nice. What a lovely "fancy" name--so unlike you, John--I'd have
expected Jane or Lizzie.
JOHN No, Rosemary.
MARY But suppose after all it is a boy.
JOHN It won't be--it's going to be a girl called Rosemary.
MARY Another cup of tea?
JOHN Please. You know those cups always remind me of Rose--they were on the
table at breakfast the day after we'd got back from our honeymoon. It was
sunny, I remember, and Rose had on a pink dress. Sort of frilly it was and I
thought I'd never loved her as much--never.
MARY Yes--go on.
JOHN Well, it wasn't anything really--just the way she held the cup and we
were talking of bacon at the time.
MARY Bacon?
JOHN Yes--Rose said, "Do you like it well fried?" and I said "Yes," and she
said "All right, dear, I'll tell Cook always to make it frizzly," and she
always has--and now ... (He gulps with emotion.)
MARY There, John--don't worry--don't worry, my dear. I'm sure she'll be all
right. John, isn't it funny to think of a new soul arriving into the house--a
perfectly brand new being---
JOHN Is it?
MARY An absolutely empty mind waiting like an empty room to be furnished, or
like snow without footmarks. And the first impression your baby will get,
instead of being pure and noble and lovely will be that awful wallpaper in
Rose's bedroom and that ugly old beast of a nurse with a wart on her chin---
JOHN Mary, she isn't--she hasn't ...
MARY She has--she's as ugly as sin.
[Knock.
JOHN Yes--yes--come in. What is it? Oh, Nurse, it's you--Well?
NURSE Congratulations, sir.
JOHN What? Who? You mean ...
NURSE A lovely biby sir, and both doin' well.
MARY A girl, nurse? Is it a girl?
NURSE A girl! No miss--a boy--a lovely great big biby boy.
MARY (Laughing) Rosemary--that's for remembrance!
____________________________________
INTERLUDE I
MANY DIFFERENT VOICES (Very rapidly) Don't baby ... Baby you're not to ...
Stop it baby ... Baby you're very naughty ... How often have I got to tell you
that you're not to ... Don't baby ... put it down baby ... leave it alone ...
you're not to ... you mustn't ... that's forbidden ... I've told you before
you're not to ... if you do that I shall be very angry ... if you do that I
shall smack you ... There! I told you not to ... don't baby ... Baby you're
not to ... not to ... not to . .. don't baby ... you mustn't... you're not to
... that's forbidden ... forbidden ... (Many voices far off repeat together)
Forbidden, forbidden, forbidden.
ONE DOMINATING VOICE Don't baby.
ALL Don't baby.
THE ONE Baby you're not to.
ALL Not to.
THE ONE Don't go there.
ALL Don't go there.
THE ONE Don't touch that.
ALL Don't touch that.
THE ONE Don't listen to that.
ALL Don't listen to that.
THE ONE Don't smell that.
ALL Don't smell that.
THE ONE Don't taste that.
ALL Don't taste that.
THE ONE Don't look at that.
ALL Don't look at that.
THE ONE Don't baby.
ALL Don't baby.
THE ONE Baby you're not to.
ALL Not to.
THE ONE (Shouting) How many times have I got to tell you that you're not to.
ALL (Shouting) Not to--not to--not to--
[Pause.
ALL (Quietly echo) Not to--not to--not to.
____________________________________
SCENE II
MARY Henry's getting quite a big boy now.
ROSE (Absently) Yes, isn't he ... purl four, plain four and cast on up to
sixty-five ... yes he's getting quite a big boy ... he's nearly seven.
JOHN We're sending him to school next autumn.
MARY Really, John; where?
JOHN Oh just a little day-school.
ROSE Such a nice little school ... quite select really.
MARY Where is it?
JOHN Oh just down the road. Saint Christopher's; it's just at the corner of
Linden Park and Tibbetts Road.
ROSE Such a nice little school ... it's kept by a clergyman.
MARY That is nice.
ROSE Yes, isn't it ... it makes it all ... well ... quite different, doesn't
it ... and Henry's beginning to talk quite common; it's time he went to
school.
MARY Yes, I suppose it is.
JOHN Of course it is. I believe in catching 'em young ... bring a boy up in
the way he should go.
MARY Yes, quite. But which way should he go? There are so many alternatives.
JOHN That's so like you, Mary. Always trying to be clever.
ROSE John dear, don't be cross.
JOHN I'm not, only Mary will be so ...
MARY Well, I only asked a perfectly reasonable question.
JOHN Reasonable question! Reasonable fiddlestick! ... The answer's obvious.
MARY Is it?
JOHN Of course.
MARY Well tell me, John, what good do you think this nice little school is
going to do Henry?
JOHN Well.... Well it'll put some discipline into the boy for one thing ...
that's the great thing school does for a boy ... it teaches him discipline,
teaches him to jump to the word of command.
MARY Well I suppose that has advantages ... yes, I admit it has; and I
suppose perhaps they counterbalance the drawbacks.
JOHN Drawbacks? There aren't any as far as I can see.
MARY Isn't discipline apt to undermine initiative?
JOHN Good Lord no ... why, look at the army.
MARY I am looking at it,
JOHN Well?
MARY Well I think it proves my point.
JOHN Well really!!
ROSE It's just all in the way you look at things, isn't it.... I shall get to
the narrowing by tea-time.
MARY If I had a son I should send him abroad to be educated.
ROSE Would you, dear? Oh, I wouldn't like that.
MARY Why not?
ROSE Well they might bring him up to be a pro-German ... or like those horrid
little French boys at Yarmouth, do you remember John?
JOHN Yes ... effeminate little Muffs! They were boys of ten or eleven if you
please, and wore little white socks.
ROSE And when some of the English boys asked them to play cricket on the
sands the little beasts said they didn't know how.
MARY Oh yes, that's one thing about English schools, the boys learn to play
cricket.
JOHN The playing-fields of Eton--what?--and the battle of Waterloo.
MARY All the same I would send my son abroad.
JOHN But whatever for?
MARY Well ... it might broaden his mind.
JOHN Hm... broaden his mind and loosen his morals. I'm told the "tone"
amongst continental boys is something awful.
MARY Really? How dreadful! What does that mean ... the "tone"?
JOHN Oh well ... sex and all that.
ROSE John dear, I don't think we need discuss that now.... (With a little
laugh) Aren't men awful, Mary? Do you think I should make the crochet border
blue or pink? I'm fonder of blue but I think a nice soft pink would tone in
with the brown.
MARY Good gracious me! It's nearly four. I must fly ...
JOHN Oh, don't go yet.
MARY I must.
ROSE Oh, but you'll stay to tea, I'm expecting you.
MARY My dear I'd love to, but I've promised to go to tea with the Palissers.
JOHN We hardly see anything of you these days ... just an occasional lunch on
a Saturday.
MARY That's the worst of being in business ... no time to be social.
ROSE I don't know how you stand it, dear.
MARY Oh, it's not so bad. I rather enjoy it really ... it's a bit monotonous.
ROSE I think you're awfully plucky ... I do really.
MARY Plucky? There's no pluck about it ... it's just a safe stodgy
respectable way of earning a living. I'd do something more adventurous if I
could, but beggars can't be choosers.
JOHN You and your adventures!
MARY John thinks I'm mad ... perhaps I am. Anyway I must fly. Good-bye, my
dear, thank you for lunch.
ROSE Good-bye, dear, come again soon.
MARY Give my love to the infant. Good-bye, John.
JOHN I'll see you to the door.
MARY (Going) I've an umbrella in the hall. It looked like raining when I was
starting so I ... (Fade out).
ROSE (To herself) Plain four, purl four, cast on up to sixty-five.
JOHN (Far-off) Good-bye. (Door) Well! She's gone. Poor old Mary... it's talk,
talk, talk--I wonder her tongue doesn't go on strike.
ROSE Oh John, how can you be so naughty! You're the naughtiest old thing! Oh
I do love Saturday when you're at home.
JOHN Darling! ... Hallo, hallo, hallo! Where have you been all this time?
HENRY Upstairs.
JOHN What were you doing upstairs?
HENRY Playing trains.
ROSE Did you play with the new lines Aunt Mary brought you?
HENRY No, I like Daddy's lines best.
JOHN (Pleased) Do you old man?
HENRY Mm.
JOHN Why?
HENRY Aunt Mary's lines is all straight bits, but Daddy's lines go round in a
circle.
JOHN Is that nice?
HENRY Mm ... you can make them into a circle and then the trains can go round
and round.
JOHN Round and round.
ROSE Round and round.
HENRY Round and round.
JOHN I say Henry, how'd you like to go to school?
HENRY I don't know.
ROSE School's lovely, Henry.
HENRY Is it?
ROSE Of course it is, isn't it John?
JOHN Of course it is ... all boys go to school.
HENRY Why do they?
JOHN Why to learn things ... stupid.
HENRY Why do they learn things?
JOHN So's they can earn a living.
HENRY Is that what schools are for?
JOHN Of course.
HENRY Oh.
____________________________________
INTERLUDE II
MANY DIFFERENT VOICES The earth moves in a circle round the sun ... How can
you possibly tell he's L.B.W. when you're standing at square-leg.... I say,
heard about Cleaver Major? He's been sacked ... why?
ALL Ssh!!!!
ONE VOICE Don't ask!
ALL (Snigger.)
MANY Coo-er Wilson's got his "colours." ... How's that? ... Not out ... Write
it out, boy, 150 times ... the earth moves in a circle round the sun.... I
say, heard about Cleaver Major? He's been sacked ... why?
ALL Ssh!!!!
ONE VOICE Don't ask!
ALL (Snigger.)
MANY The earth moves in a circle round the sun ... Coo-er Wilson's got his
colours ... Mary, a bigoted catholic she, fifteen hundred and fifty-three.
Elizabeth, never a queen so great, fifteen hundred and fifty-eight.... The
earth moves in a circle round the sun ... don't argue, write it out 150 times
... don't argue.... Don't argue, your business is to obey not argue.... It
hurts me more than it hurts you ... put him on for a couple of overs....
Ireland is a boggy country; the Irish are a merry people and fond of pigs ...
write it out 150 times and don't argue.... I say, heard about Cleaver Major,
he's been sacked ... why?
ALL Ssh!!!!
ONE VOICE Don't ask!
ALL (Snigger.)
ONE DOMINATING VOICE Write it out 150 times.
ALL 150 times.
THE ONE Write it out 200 times.
ALL 200 times.
THE ONE Don't argue.
ALL Don't argue.
THE ONE The earth moves in a circle round the sun.
ALL Circle round the sun.
THE ONE I say, heard about Cleaver Major?
ALL What?
THE ONE He's been sacked.
ALL Why?
THE ONE Don't ask!
ALL Ssh!!!!
THE ONE (Snigger very quietly.)
ALL (Suddenly loud) Don't argue.
THE ONE Your business is to obey not argue.
ALL Obey not argue.
THE ONE Wilson's got his colours.
ALL Don't argue.
THE ONE The Irish are a merry people.
ALL Don't argue.
THE ONE And fond of pigs.
ALL Don't argue.
[A pause. Silence.
THE ONE (Shouting loudly) The earth ...
ALL Yes?
THE ONE The earth moves in a circle round the sun.
ALL Hurray!!!!
____________________________________
SCENE III
MARY (Calling) Henry! Henry!
HENRY (Calling) Yes, Aunt Mary. (HENRY'S voice is breaking--his utterance is
shy, jerky.)
MARY Come out into the garden and talk to me--I'm bored.
HENRY Hullo--good heavens, Aunt Mary, you can't lie there--on the ground.
MARY Why not? It's lovely--the grass is quite clean, isn't it?
HENRY It's not that--it's ...
MARY What then?
HENRY Why not sit in the summer house?
MARY It's full of earwigs--and it smells.
HENRY I'll get chairs then.
MARY But why not lie on the grass?
HENRY Oh, we couldn't do that.
MARY Why on earth not?
HENRY Well--I mean--we never do.
MARY But it's far more comfortable. I like to stretch right out on the
ground. Besides, the grass is so cool and nice.
HENRY I don't think the mater would like it.
MARY But why ever not?
HENRY Well, you see, the people in No. 28 might see us--and No. 24--and the
maid at Kenilworth can see us if she leans out of her bedroom window....
MARY But why shouldn't they see us? We're not doing any harm.
HENRY They might think it odd--our lying on the grass.
MARY Henry, don't be a perfect idiot. If you wish to sit on a chair you may--
but I intend to stay just exactly where I am.
HENRY All right, I'll lie down too.
[MARY laughs.
Were you reading?
MARY Yes.
HENRY Anything exciting?
MARY Yes. It's Bernard Shaw's new play.
HENRY Oh.
MARY Do you like Shaw?
HENRY I don't know--I don't think I've ever read any.
MARY Do you read much?
HENRY Oh yes--a good lot--I mean in a way.
MARY Who's your favourite author?
HENRY Oh, I don't know--I don't think I've got one. I like exciting stories
like--well--like they have in the Scarlet Mag.
MARY I see. I say, Henry, let's do something exciting this afternoon.
HENRY I say--shall we really! Let's go to the Crystal Palace!
MARY (Laughs) The Crystal Palace. All right then, we'll go to the Crystal
Palace.
HENRY I like it when you stay here, Aunt Mary--you're so "go-ey." Are you
going to stay long?
MARY No--I'm going back to work on Monday.
HENRY Do you like your work?
MARY Yes--I do rather--it's interesting as business goes.
HENRY (Surprised) Don't you like business?
MARY No.
HENRY What are you exactly? When I asked the mater, said you were "in
business," but she said it in such a funny way.
MARY Yes. She thinks it's not very nice for a woman to be in public life.
HENRY Public life? What is your business, Aunt Mary?
MARY Oh, it's not as thrilling as all that! I'm secretary in a gramophone
company.
HENRY (Disappointed) Oh--gramophones aren't much good, are they?
MARY Not yet, but they will be. Now you tell me, Henry--what are you going to
do?
HENRY What am I going to be?
MARY No, what are you going to do?
HENRY Same thing. I'm going into Dad's office.
MARY So I heard. Is that what you want to do?
HENRY Oh well, I've got to do something I suppose--it might as well be the
Business as anything else.
MARY Mm--if that's how you feel--but isn't there anything else?
HENRY Well, I'd rather like to have ... there's a chap at school who's going
out to South Africa to grow oranges--but of course, as Dad says, you must have
capital.
MARY Well, you've got capital----
HENRY I haven't. How do you mean?
MARY Two eyes--two arms--two legs--good health--good temper.
HENRY (Laughing) Oh! You're being funny, are you?
MARY No--quite serious. (A pause) So you'd like to see the world, Henry?
HENRY Yes, I would rather--in a way. Only, of course, I realise--I mean--
Dad's right when he says ...
MARY Of course, Dad's right in what he says. Dad's infallible.
HENRY (Angry) What do you mean?
MARY (Hotly) Why don't you face things out for yourself, instead of accepting
what "Dad" says--why don't you go to Africa if you want to? (A pause) Well,
why don't you?
HENRY I--I am not sure that I do want to. I think really I'm very happy here.
MARY But wouldn't you be happier there?
HENRY That's just it. I might be--but then I mightn't. I mean you never know,
do you. It might be awful.
MARY But surely that's just what makes it so romantic--such an adventure--
it's just because it's such a risk.
HENRY I don't think I like risks--and yet ...
MARY Well?
HENRY It would be thrilling--I mean--oh, I don't know. Aunt Mary, I believe I
do want to go there. Ratcliffe would take me, I'm sure.
MARY He's the chap from your school who's going to grow oranges?
HENRY Yes--his uncle has a big place and wants several chaps to go out. Oh,
it's an opening all right.
MARY (With force) Take it, Henry.
HENRY Should I? You think so? Really?
MARY Yes, yes and yes. It's bigger, more scope, more opportunity. This
place--oh, Henry!--it's so poky and restricted and humdrum. The other....
HENRY You're right, Aunt Mary--the other is glorious. I--I think I've always
wanted to go there. Ratcliffe says it's glorious--he showed me pictures. I'd
love to go.
MARY Go, Henry.
HENRY Shall I?
MARY Yes, go.
HENRY I will--Aunt Mary, I'll go. I'll go.
JOHN Hallo, you two, what's all the excitement? Having an argument or
something?
[Pause.
MARY Well--no--not exactly an argument, John.
JOHN You were very excited, then. I thought there must be something up.
MARY There was.
JOHN (Lightly) I thought so. What's it all about? Eh, Henry? (Pause.) Nothing
wrong, is there?
HENRY N-no, Daddy.
JOHN (With slight tension) Well, what was all the excitement about? You were
jumping about like a cat on a hot brick.
HENRY (With a feeble attempt at laughter) Was I, Daddy?
JOHN (Increased tension) Come on--out with it, boy. What on earth's the
matter with the boy? What's the matter with him, Mary?
MARY Nothing's the matter, John. Henry has come to rather an important
decision, that's all.
JOHN Decision? What do you mean?
MARY You'd better explain, Henry.
[Pause.
JOHN Well, Henry?
[Pause.
HENRY I--well--I--I want to go to South Africa, Dad.
JOHN Do you--indeed--really--just for the week-end, eh? Bit expensive, won't
it be?
HENRY No Daddy, I mean I--want to go there for good.
[Pause.
JOHN To South Africa for good? But--what mad idea is this? We've never even
thought of South Africa.
HENRY No, Daddy--at least that is I've thought of it--in a way.
MARY There's a boy at Henry's school--
JOHN Well, what about him?
HENRY Radcliffe, you know, Daddy--
MARY The boy's uncle has a farm in South Africa, and he would take Henry as
an ...
JOHN How do you know? I don't know anything about this. Why have I never been
consulted, eh, Henry?
HENRY I--I don't know, Daddy.
MARY Perhaps you didn't seem very interested, John.
HENRY I--I thought you wanted me to go into the Business, Father.
MARY (Unwisely voluble) Henry isn't keen on the Business, you see, John. He'd
rather try his luck in the colonies--
JOHN Try his luck in the colonies--try his luck.... That's like you, Mary--
try his luck; and who's to pay the piper if he tries his luck and finds he
hasn't any luck? I see what it is. You've been influencing the boy--you've
been going behind my back and putting all these silly wild ideas into his
head.
MARY No, John.
JOHN Oh, yes you have. You needn't try to deny it.
HENRY Father, it was my idea.
JOHN Was it. Well, the sooner you get idiotic, romantical, tom-fool ideas
knocked out of your head, the better. Try his luck in the colonies indeed--I
suppose, Mary, you're trying your luck in these wretched--phonograms or
whatever you call them.
MARY Yes, I am--and they're called gramophones.
JOHN Well, we'll see what happens to you--we'll just see; but meantime let me
tell you that no son of mine is going to try his luck anywhere--he's going see
what steady hard work means--what sticking in and keeping his mouth shut
means--and if he doesn't learn sense by the time he's twenty-one, then he can
go and try his luck somewhere.
MARY John, how can you talk like that. Can't you realise what sentimental
silly nonsense you're talking?
JOHN That's it--that's like you women--argue, argue, argue. But reason? No,
never.
MARY Are you reasonable? You don't know the meaning of the word. You're just
a stupid, well-meaning, stick-in-the-mud mediocrity. You always were, and you
always will be.
JOHN I'll thank you, Mary, not to be abusive to me under my own roof--that
is, in the garden.
MARY Yes, the neighbours might hear. Oh, John, I know you mean well--I know
you want to do the best you can for the boy--
JOHN Of course I do. That's why I don't want you putting all this nonsense
into his head.
MARY But I didn't put it there. It was there already.
JOHN Really, Mary---
MARY Oh John! John! If you'd only realise our heads are all full of
nonsense--and Henry's nonsense is so much more admirable--so much more
sensible than yours.
JOHN All right, Mary, all right, let's leave it at that. I'm sorry I lost my
temper with you, Mary--there! I apologise. Let's say no more about it. The
incident's closed.
MARY I apologise too, John--but we can't say the incident's closed.
JOHN Why not?
MARY The motion hasn't been put to the house. We haven't arrived at any
decision.
JOHN Decision?
MARY (Broadly: this is the crisis) Henry, are you going to South Africa or
are you going to wait until you're twenty-one?
HENRY I--I don't know.
MARY Oh Henry--surely ... You may never have the chance again. It'll be six
years before you're twenty-one. Six years--up in the train, down in the
train--office routine, routine, routine--for six years--- By the time you're
twenty-one you won't want to go to South Africa--you'll be--my God!--you'll be
A City Man.
[Gong--the stroke of Doom.
Well, Henry--which is it to be?
JOHN My dear Mary, I've told you already there isn't any choice. Henry will
come into my office until he's twenty-one.
MARY (Inflexibly) Well, Henry--what do you say?
[Pause.
HENRY I--well I think prob'ly Dad's right. I mean well--South Africa would be
a bit of a risk wouldn't it?
[Gong again.
MARY Yes, I expect you'll find the City is ever so much less--risky.
ROSE (Shouting from afar) John. John. Mary. Where are you all?
JOHN (Calling) We're out here in the garden, Mother.
ROSE Here you are--I've been looking for you everywhere. The dinner'll be
getting cold--the gong's gone twi--- Mary! My dear! Lying on the grass!
Whatever will the neighbours say.
____________________________________
INTERLUDE: III
(The rhythmic puffing of a train accompanies the dialogue.)
MANY DIFFERENT VOICES Tickets please, show your tickets, please. Season, sir?
All right! ... She's late again. I have to run to the office as it is.... Do
you mind if we have the window open? ... Care to see the paper, sir? ... Do
you mind if we have the window shut? ... Tickets please--all tickets ready,
please. Season, sir? All right.... Do you mind if we have the window open?
... It simply means I'll have to go on the 8.10.... I don't know what this
line's coming to ... Do you mind if we have the window shut? ... All tickets
ready please--Season, sir? All right.... Late again. I don't know what this
line's coming to ... Do you mind if we have the window open? ... Simply means
I'll have to go on the 8.10.... Care to see the paper, sir? ... Do you mind
if we have the window shut? ...
ONE VOICE All tickets ready, please!
ALL Tickets, please!
THE ONE She's late again.
ALL Late again.
THE ONE It simply means I'll have to travel on the 8.10.
ALL Travel on the 8.10.
THE ONE I do nothing but travel up and down on these suburban trains.
ALL Suburban trains.
THE ONE Up and down--up and down--
ALL Up and down--up and down. Up and down--up and down.
THE ONE Do you mind if we have the window open?
ALL Up and down--up and down. Up and down--up and down. (Chorus continues
with gathering speed and volume.)
THE ONE Do you mind if we have the window shut?
ALL (Faster still, noisy) Up and down--up and down. Up and down--up and down.
THE ONE (Above the voice of the chorus) Do you mind if we have the window up?
ALL Up and down--up and down. Up and down--up and down.
THE ONE (Yelling) Do you mind if we have the window down?
ALL (Now at full speed) Up and down--up and down. Up and down--up and down.
Up and down--up and down--up and down.
[A whistle blows.
THE ONE (Yelling) All tickets, ready, please!
ALL (Yelling) Tickets please!
THE ONE Season, sir?
ALL All right.
N.B.--The Chorus "up and down" must imitate the rhythmic motion of a train at
speed--"Rum-tum-tum--Rum-tum-tum."
____________________________________
INTERLUDE IV
[Many typewriters are heard far off--click, click, click.
HENRY Take this letter for me please, Miss Nemo.
NEMO Yes, Mr. Wilson.
HENRY Ready, Miss Nemo?
NEMO Yes, Mr. Wilson.
HENRY To-day is the 25th isn't it, Miss Nemo?
NEMO Yes, Mr. Wilson.
HENRY May 25th. Dear Sir,
[A typewriter is heard very close at hand. It stops as he resumes.
With reference to your esteemed enquiry, I beg to state that we have a good
selection of...
(The typewriter resumes, and only an inarticulate hum can be heard of HENRY'S
voice, till after a time the typewriter stops and he says:)
We remain, dear sir, yours faithfully--Gurney, Maxwell and Wilson, per pro
Henry Wilson.
(The typewriter clicks again.)
(This whole dialogue is repeated ad lib., with the alteration only of the
month. May 25th becomes successively June 25th, July 15th, August 25th and so
on.)
(Rapid monotonous utterance for this scene--the repetition is emphatically
pointless.)
(At end NEMO repeats
Yes, Mr. Wilson Yes, Mr. Wilson Yes, Mr. Wilson Yes, Mr. Wilson
again and again and again. The effect to be like taking an anaesthetic. She
fades slowly away.
____________________________________
SCENE IV
[Dance music.
HENRY Ivy, may I have this one with you?
IVY Thanks most awfully, Henry, I'd love to.
HENRY (after a time) Jolly floor.
IVY Heavenly.
HENRY (after some time) Round and round.
IVY Round and round.
HENRY I feel as if we were waltzing on air.
IVY Do you? So do I!
HENRY Do you?
IVY Yes. Henry, don't--don't look at me that way--people might notice.
HENRY Let's go and sit down somewhere. (Music fainter.) Here on the stairs.
IVY I hope I shan't dirty my dress.
HENRY I can't believe this is just the old Town Hall. It seems different--
doesn't it? Don't you think so?
IVY Quite, quite different. It's lovely--ever so much nicer and--oh, well,
it's just quite different.
HENRY You'd never think this was just one of the Subscription Dances--would
you? It's more like a--well, in a way it's like a ball in a fairy tale--kind
of.
IVY (Giggling) Silly! (Suddenly) Don't, Henry!
HENRY Let's go and sit outside somewhere, it's hot here. Come on, it's cooler
outside.
[Music grows fainter.
IVY Oh, Henry--do you think we ought to--out in the park--I don't know what
mother ... I mean it's dark. What would people think?
HENRY I don't care what people think--I don't care what anybody thinks--
except you, Ivy.
IVY (Giggling) Silly! Silly boy!
HENRY Let's sit down.
IVY But that lamp--it's so light. People might ...
HENRY Over here then.
IVY There are lamps by all the seats. They look like moons under the trees.
HENRY We'll lie on the grass then.... Ivy!
IVY Henry, don't-- (squeaky) don't--oh, Henry. (This last with a rapturous
sigh).
HENRY Darling. Darling, little Ivy. (The music grows louder and then dies
away again as if borne on a gust of wind.) Ivy, I love you. Do you--could you
ever--do you think you could ever care for me?
IVY Dear Henry--dear Henry.
[Music again louder and again fades.
HENRY (After a moment) Do you remember that day up at the tennis club when
old Perkins lost his temper?
IVY Yes, and Mabel Pargiter said the ball was out when we saw it hit the
line--why the chalk flew right up. I remember that day--oh ever so well. That
was the day we walked home together.
HENRY Do you remember the Rogers' blackberry picnic?
IVY That was the day we nearly got lost on the common.
HENRY I wanted to get lost.
IVY Did you?
HENRY Did you?
IVY I don't know.
HENRY Do you remember that day on the river at Richmond?
IVY No I don't. You were beastly, Henry, beastly.
[Pause.
HENRY I'm sorry, darling.
IVY Darling! I shouldn't have minded if I'd known that you ... It's all
different now.
HENRY Ivy, I'm getting on at the office. Dad's awfully decent, you know,
about things. It's not a big business or anything--in fact it's only a very
small affair, but it's as safe as houses. I'm making £250 a year now--and I've
saved nearly £300.
IVY Have you really, Henry.
HENRY Yes--and I'll be making a bit more as time goes on. It's enough to ...
Oh, Ivy, I can't do anything for you as I'd like to. I mean I'll never be able
to get you all the things you ought to have--but--could you ... Ivy, will you
marry me? Will you?
[Pause.
IVY Yes, Henry.
HENRY Darling--you've made me so happy--you've made me happier than I've
ever-- Are you happy, darling? Say you're happy.
IVY I'm the happiest, luckiest girl in the world!
HENRY Won't they laugh at us at home!
IVY I don't know what Mother'll say.
HENRY Let's go back and dance.
IVY Young Cis won't half be jealous!
HENRY When shall we get married?
IVY Well, I suppose we'll have to get a house first.
HENRY Ah! I've got my eye on the very place for us. Come on, I'll tell you
while we dance--- (Music louder) It's one of those new houses on the hill
beyond the gasworks----
IVY Those dear little red ones?
HENRY Yes.
IVY They're lovely, so artistic. The windows have stained glass at the tops
and some of them have lovely little beams and gables just like real antique--
HENRY And they all have electric light--- (Music louder still.)
IVY And the most fascinating little windows--all shapes. Round ones--
square ones--oblong--
HENRY First-rate system of drains.
IVY Sweet little crazy pavements.
HENRY Hot and cold water laid on in kitchen sink and bathroom.
IVY Adorable little art porches with the quaintest pillars.
HENRY Waltzing on air--round and round and round.
[Dance music.
A pause. Four seconds.
Organ is heard to play a fragment of Mendelssohn's "Wedding March." It fades
away.
____________________________________
SCENE V
IVY (Calling) All right, Lizzie, we're down now. You can bring breakfast.
HENRY Any letters?
IVY Only two--both for you.
HENRY Mm.
IVY Anything exciting?
HENRY No--only circulars, I say! We'll have to order a daily paper.
IVY I say! What fun!
HENRY Yes. Doesn't that seem--well! kind of established. The Daily Paper.
IVY You can prop it up against the Coffee-pot--the one Uncle Herbert gave us.
HENRY Jolly morning.
IVY Isn't it nice to have it sunny--kind of welcoming us on our first
morning.
HENRY This room gets the morning sun, too.
IVY I hope it doesn't fade the paper--the little rosebuddy pattern's so
sweet.
HENRY The garden's a regular sun-trap--I'll get some penny packets when I'm
in town. There's a place I know not far from the office. I'll pop round there
at the lunch hour.
IVY What fun! And we'll put them in together this evening. Henry, come away
from the window.
HENRY Why?
IVY That horrid woman over in "Helvellyn" is looking at us. I'm sure she
knows we're "Newlyweds"--she keeps staring so--horrid thing! All right,
Lizzie, put it ... No, no, no!!! Not there! You'll take the polish off the
table. You must stand it on one of those little mats--that's right.
HENRY I say, wasn't it thoughtful of Auntie Flo to give us those little mats.
IVY Do you know, I think this is almost the most thrilling thing of all--the
first breakfast in our own darling little dining-room.
HENRY Do you know, I believe you're right. Honeymooning's all right, but it
was kind of... Well it never seemed quite real, somehow. But this--well this
is the real thing--married life.
IVY Married life.
[They both laugh.
HENRY You dear--you know all your honeymoon clothes were ripping--that blue
hat was an absolute stunner--the one with the cornflowers--but I like you best
in that pink dress--I don't think I've ever loved you as much--ever. Kiss me.
What are we having for breakfast?
IVY Guess!
HENRY Kippers.
IVY Wrong.
HENRY My word, what a smart entrée dish.
IVY It's only electro--Cousin Edith sent it. But guess!
HENRY Sausages.
IVY Wrong again. It's bacon. Look!
HENRY By jove, all frizzly. That's how I like it.
IVY Do you? I'll tell Lizzie to do it like that always.
____________________________________
INTERLUDE V
(Fragments of Interludes II and III are repeated.)
[They cross-fade one into the other.
The effect should be a composite image of the "Commuter's" Day--trains fading
into typewriters--railway-lines merging into lines of print--the columns of
bobbing bowlers into columns of pounds, shillings and pence.... Dissolving
views.
____________________________________
SCENE VI
IVY (Calling) All right, Lizzie, we're down now. You can bring breakfast.
Baby, come along--Daddy's waiting. Hurry up! Don't dawdle.
HENRY Any letters?
IVY Yes, I put them by your plate.
HENRY Mm.
IVY There you are, Baby. Say good morning to Daddy.
JOHNNY Morning, Daddy.
HENRY Morning, old man.
IVY Now then--up you get. Where's your bib? That's right. Don't fidget about
so, Baby. Keep still. How can I get your bib on? Anything exciting in the
post, Daddy?
HENRY No--only circulars. Might pass me the paper, dear. Thanks.
IVY Shall I chop the head off for you, darling?
JOHNNY No, I want to pick it, Mummy.
IVY All right, but don't make a mess with the shell.
HENRY Coffee's awful again--tastes of earth.
IVY I'm so sorry, darling. I'll speak to Lizzie.
HENRY You're always speaking to Lizzie, but it doesn't get any better.
Really, I should have thought after five years ...
IVY I know, dear--I'm sorry--but coffee-making's a gift you know, like second
sight. Either one can make coffee or one can't. Lizzie can't.
HENRY Evidently not.
IVY But she has her points.
HENRY Oh she has--she's a nailer at bacon.
IVY Baby, don't point. What is it? Toast? Yes, I'll butter you some.
Carefully now with that milk--drink slowly. Oh Baby, you are making a mess.
Henry, he's got egg on the lobe of his ear. No don't, Baby. Don't touch it.
How do children get themselves into such a mess?
JOHNNY Marmalade, Mummy.
IVY Don't be rude, Baby. Marmalade what?
JOHNNY Marmalade please.
IVY That's better. Don't pick your nose. You can have a little I suppose. A
little marmalade won't hurt him after egg, will it, Henry?
HENRY (Rustling paper) Mm? No.
IVY All right you can have a little. I suppose a big breakfast's healthy.
I'll spread it for you--but don't bolt it. Eat slowly--there.
BABY Fanks, Mummy.
IVY Darling, do you mind moving the paper a second--I want some more coffee.
Sorry to disturb you. There! That's right. Baby, don't! Don't lick the
marmalade off the bread. Why, goodness me, you're getting a big boy now; boys
of four don't do things like that. You must learn to eat nicely. Why when
Daddy was four he never licked his bread, did you, Daddy?
HENRY Mm?
IVY It would never do if you grew up a little pig. It would never do if Baby
grew up a little pig, would it, Daddy?
HENRY Mm?
IVY I said it would never do if Baby grew up a little ... Don't, Baby.
MANY VOICES (Afar) Don't, Baby.
IVY Well you can just go straight out to Lizzie and wash it under the tap. Go
on--you're a perfect little filth. Go on now, or Mummy will be cross. Don't
look like that. Run along. (Calling) Lizzie, help Baby to wash his face, and
you'd better rinse his bib under the tap. Now run along, Baby, don't dawdle.
(Low voice again) Anything in the paper, dear?
HENRY (Rustling the paper as he puts it away) Absolutely nothing at all--
there never is nowadays. Oh Lord, I wish I didn't have to go to town to-day.
It's too fine. It's the time of the year that gets one, I suppose--spring-
time.
IVY Need you go? Can't I 'phone and say you're ill or something?
HENRY Oh, no, that wouldn't do. We couldn't possibly do that. No, no, I'll
just have to go--men must work, you know, and women must weep.
IVY All the same I wish we could have gone a picnic or something. There'll be
primroses up on the common.
HENRY Primroses.
IVY Oh I wish we could go a primrose picnic.
HENRY I wish we could. It's the monotony that gets irksome--the same old
routine day after day--round and round--like a squirrel in a cage.
IVY Round and round. (Pause.) Cheer up, Henry, good times coming.
HENRY That's it--that's just what makes it worth while--the feeling that
we're progressing, not just running round and round--and the feeling that all
the time one's building up something solid--something sound.
IVY You mean ...
HENRY I mean that we shall be able to give our Baby a really good start. He
can go to a thoroughly good school and when he comes to begin his career
there'll be something solid behind him--capital--not much perhaps, but a
certain amount--and a certain social position. He'll be able to meet Decent
People and mix with them on an equal footing. That's what I mean by something
sound and solid.
IVY Sound and solid--they're such lovely safe words--like--like this dear
little house.
HENRY By Jove, it's five to nine--I'll need to fly--
IVY I'll get your coat. Will you have a scarf?
HENRY No thanks--it's getting so warm these days I hardly think I'll take a
coat.
IVY Oh you'd better, darling--those horrid trains are so draughty and you
know you're still coughing a teeny bit. Ah there you are, Baby. Clean again?
Now don't get in the way. Daddy's got to hurry for his train.
HENRY Where the dickens is my hat? Don't touch those letters, Baby.
IVY Here's your coat--now button it up well.... Don't, Baby, you're in the
way. I wish you'd take a scarf, dear. You'll be down on the six?
HENRY Yes.
IVY Sure?
HENRY Yes, yes, yes.
IVY Well, don't forget to call at Wyatts on your way from the station--I must
have that haddock for to-night.
HENRY Where is that confounded hat?
IVY Darling, you're not listening--Wyatts for the fish.
HENRY Yes, yes, I heard, but where is that hat?
IVY Hat, dear?
HENRY Yes, dear, hat. Baby, leave my umbrella alone--you'll smash it. Put it
down, Baby. Where the devil is it?
IVY Isn't it in the hall-stand?
HENRY No.
IVY The porch, perhaps?
HENRY It's not there, either.
IVY I wonder ... Why, of course, Baby had it yesterday. He was playing at
being grown up--
HENRY With my hat?
IVY Yes, dear.
HENRY But why did you let him?
IVY I didn't. He took it when I wasn't looking.
HENRY Well, where is it?
IVY I don't know, dear. (Sharply) Baby, where did you put Daddy's hat--don't
gape, Baby--think!
HENRY Perhaps it's upstairs.
IVY Perhaps Lizzie knows. (Calling) Lizzie, where's the master's hat? Look
under the chest in the hall--don't sniff, Baby--is it there?
HENRY No--sure it's not on the window ledge?
[A bell chimes.
IVY There! It's striking nine. Oh dear! Oh dear!
HENRY Well, I've missed the train now--that's all, that's the result--I've
missed the train and I shall be late at the office.
IVY Oh dear, it's too bad. Baby, you're very, very naughty.
HENRY Baby, haven't I told you before that you're not to touch my things. How
many times have I got to tell you that you're not to--not to--not to,
VOICES (Loudly) Not to--Not to--Not to--Not to--Not to (continuing ad lib.).
(Voices cross-fade with Closing Music.)