It’d been a month since the demon attack that rendered Xander empathic, and what a strange ability that was. To know what others are feeling at any given moment? Not just guessing, but actually knowing? Having it confirmed in his own mind and heart as though he was the one feeling it? Very strange indeed.
It didn’t help matters any that the rest of the gang were weirded out by him. Except for Giles. Somehow Giles always managed to take things in stride. But sometimes the strain of keeping his guard up around Xander was evident in the new lines forming around his eyes and the tired set to his jaw. To see those lines always made Xander a little sad. Giles was funny, though. Despite guarding himself against Xander’s ability, to know Giles was to know how he felt. Giles was one of the few people in the world who actually acted the way he felt, and that was very refreshing. Kinda like relaxing in the knowledge that someone is exactly who they portray themselves to be. He might be standoffish, stuffy, and tweedy, but he was honest. And that was all that mattered to Xander.
The reactions that were most distressing to him were the ones from Buffy and Willow. It’s almost as though Buffy shut down completely. Her emotions boiled under the surface, but she seemed to think that if she kept a stoney face and cold eyes, he wouldn’t be burdened with her feelings. He wished he could tell her that was the case, but he was blasted with her need to protect them all, her driving fear that she would die at any moment, and her conflicting emotions concerning Angel. Worst of all was the burning loneliness that infused itself into her soul more with each passing day. That loneliness is what affected him the most. He ached right along with her, but to keep up her façade, he would pretend he didn’t. It was what she needed.
Willow, on the other hand was the exact opposite. She was always cheerful when around him. He supposed she thought that by being always cheerful, she wouldn’t telegraph the deeper, scarier aspects of herself. Like Buffy, her tactics didn’t work. Xander felt Willow’s confusion concerning her new feelings for Tara and her old feelings for Oz, which weren’t as dead as she liked to pretend. He knew, just as she did, that Willow loved Tara, that they were perfect together. Yet, still something was missing. He could tell Willow felt a great discontent. There was something in her that lurked below the surface, itching to get out, that even she was unaware of. And that something terrified him.
Out of all the gang members - and how weird is it that he considered Spike one of the group now? - Spike was the only one that he couldn’t get a handle on. But that might be because the bleached menace was nowhere to be found lately. After he nursed Xander back to health, which seemed to take forever, Spike left. Just up and cruised. Oh, he knew Spike was still in Sunnydale. He’d heard Buffy talk about seeing him about town, in the cemetery on patrol or at the Bronze. Places where Xander refused to go anymore because there were just too damn many people and feelings there, most of which were highly sexual and predatory. Those places gave him the shakes.
So, given the absence of his caretaker, Xander was curious. What was up with Spike that he stayed away from Xander? Only one way to find out.
~~~~~~~~~~
The door to the crypt swung open on a quiet squeak. Had he not been a vampire, Spike would have been surprised by the entrance of one of the Scoobies, so silently did they pass through his door. To maintain the illusion, he continued to sit and watch his show, sip his warm blood from the coffee mug next to his chair, and ignore the person standing in the doorway.
“Ahh, there you are, Spike. I’ve been wondering where you got off to. You never let me say thank you properly for taking care of me.” Xander ignored his knocking knees and stepped cautiously further into the crypt.
“Had better things to do, mate. Telly, blood, mayhem. Not gonna sit around and nurse you all the time, now, am I?”
“Oh right. You’re the big bad.” Xander nodded, getting a little pissed at Spike’s normal flippant attitude. “Got a rep to maintain, right?”
“Yeah.” Spike finally turned to Xander. “What do you want?”
“Want to talk about why you’ve been all avoidy since I got well.” Xander capitalized on the vulnerable, wary look in Spike’s eyes. “Hell, you were around more when you were evil and wanted to kill me - us - Buffy.”
“So?” Defensiveness crept onto Spike’s face and into his tone.
“So, bleachy. What’s up? Afraid of a little demon empathy mojo?” Xander laughed suddenly. “Afraid I might find out you like me?”
“What?!? I do not!” Eyes wide with indignation.
But Xander felt it, finally. His own eyes widened unrealistically. “You like me.” He shook his head. “Holy Moses. Spike. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Oh please.” Spike scoffed, ignoring the knot that was forcing his stomach into all sorts of new positions. “First: don’t like any o’ you people. Second, like you even less than the others. Only saved you because....because..”
Xander grinned evilly as Spike floundered for a reason. “Yeah. Why was that again?”
“Hold on! I’m thinking!”
“Don’t bother, bloodbreath. You’ve been outed.”
“Shut your gob!” Spike rounded on him with a fury that had been absent for almost a year - a year he’d spent working with this lot, helping them fight Adam and other assorted demons on the hellmouth.
“You’re scared. Hurt. Afraid of being hurt.” Xander’s almost trancelike stare startled the vampire out of his rage. He watched warily as Xander paced closer to him. “You’re different from the other vamps. You feel things deeper, with more intensity. You love. You laugh. You enjoy being what you are, even chipped, and you’re really hurt that we don’t get you.”
“Shut it, whelp. Or by God, I’ll risk the fried noggin to shut you up myself.”
“No.” Xander finally looked into Spike’s face. “You won’t. We are your family now, at least to you. With us, you don’t have to be alone. Because alone? Always sucks.” Xander smiled a little. “It’s the same for me. And here’s a shocker, chipboy. I’ve missed you.”
At Spike’s gaping look, Xander grinned. “Yeah. I know. Astounding. One of the Scoobies missed you.” He took a fortifying breath. “Got another piece of info for ya, Spike. I like you too. And, at the risk of sounding entirely like a girl: You don’t have to be alone anymore, if ya don’t want to.”
“I suppose now you’re gonna ask me ta move in with ya?” Spike scoffed, while reaching into is pocket for his cigarettes and lighter. “Well, you can put that on your list of things that Spike will never do. Live with a human? With the food? No. Don’t see that happenin.” Spike’s bravado was almost perfect, but when the hand holding his lighter shook as he lit his cigarette, he knew he was done for. He expelled a smoke filled breath. “Fine. Crypt gets dank when it rains anyway.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three Months Later
Xander woke to the familiar sounds of Johnny Rotten and Spike’s voice in the kitchen. He rolled out of bed, pulled on some sweats, and walked gingerly to the source of the racket. Sliding carefully into the chair at the table – he was proud he didn’t wince or moan out loud – he watched as Spike burned toast and spilled coffee on the counter without bothering to wipe it up. He grinned when he saw the cigarette hanging from the vampire’s mouth.
“You know that’s a health hazard, right, fangless?”
“Mornin, luv. Yeah, but what have I got to be concerned about?”
“How bout killin your roomie with second hand smoke, or ashes in his food?”
Spike laughed as he turned with a plate full of eggs and toast and a cup of coffee in his hand. He set them in front of Xander saying, “Eat up, pet.” Then he took the cigarette in hand and leaned down to kiss his boy full on the lips, quickly pulling away to drink his own breakfast. “You’re gonna need to get your strength back after last night, Xan. Which was stunningly hot, by they way. You, pet, are one kinky bloke. And comin from a vampire? That’s a compliment.”
All Xander could think was thank god for eggs and toast to occupy my mouth. And thank him even more that I went to the crypt that night.